I can't decide what's best for me...

[shadowplay]

I've mulled over this so many times and I still can't figure out what is best for me at present: NC or LC. My therapist believes I should be LC, and I'm not sure if I agree with her.

 

I was NC with my ex for a time. Then, I can't remember exactly when, somewhere between one and two months ago, he sent me all these messages. I responded, mostly because my therapist actually advised me to do so. At the time I was extremely isolated and depressed, and she was worried I'd get even more isolated without him as a temporary connection until I met new people and got footing. I had no friends, no job, was living in a miserable place with a landlady who ignored me. I spent most of my days alone in my room.

 

I told her that I was worried seeing him would make me feel weak, but she said that it was a matter of changing my perception about our interaction. If I just viewed it as a transitional thing that we were both getting something positive out of, and tried not to beat myself up over it, then, she claimed, it wouldn't damage my self esteem. Another reason was that our more recent interactions had been far less tortured and weird for me. I was no longer crying after seeing him. Even though I still felt pain around him, we were actually able to have a good time together. My feelings for him were starting to decline, and I was growing more accepting of the separation. But I was also incredibly lonely without a single connection where I lived.

 

She told me that as long as things continued like this, and they didn't turn sour, she felt it was OK for me to see him as a friend until I met other people.

 

I still felt a bit unsettled, but I came around to seeing her point of view. It was probably good for a time. We rarely saw each other alone. Instead I made a point of trying to see him when he was out with a group of his friends, so I could meet other people and diffuse the focus from us. Hanging out with him made it somewhat easier to make positive changes in my life. It helped me feel less pressured about other things. For example, without him around I think I would have felt a crippling anxiety to make every other aspect of my life work, which could have easily backfired. If I was making my first new friend, I'd feel like everything hung on that one friendship because it was my only connection. That kind of desperation is poisonous to making friends.

 

All along I knew there would be a point where I'd stop hanging out with him for good, when I was ready to do so...because I needed to do that for myself. I'll be civil whenever I see him (which will naturally happen often since we live in the same very small city, less than half a mile away from each other), but I wont hang out with him or call/message him when I make this choice.

 

Anyway, here's the deal now. I'm not sure if this is a good time for me to move on and start the NC. My life has changed a lot recently. I've moved into a great new place, made friends with my housemate, started a new job...and generally been very busy. I've been going out a lot more, sometimes with my housemate, sometimes with him and his friends. Even though I'm definitely less depressed than I was, I still feel depressed a good chunk of the time. Is this because I'm still seeing him? I don't know, because when I feel down it's rarely him that I think about.

 

Instead I focus on fears that I'll be a failure, fears that I won't be able to make friends, fears that I'll be alone forever because I'm not good enough for any guy I might find attractive. I guess the last is the only one indirectly related to him and the loss of that relationship. But maybe on some subconscious level seeing him is bringing me down? It's really hard for me to entangle.

 

At this point my main incentive for hanging out with him is not to be around him but to be around the other people he knows. Part of me hopes that I can make friends with some of his friends, but I know how tricky that transition is from hanging out with them when he's around to hanging out with them alone. Some of his friends are really cool, and actually have more in common with me than I have with him. Is that feasible? Or would it be too awkward?

 

For example, he has this roommate who I like (in a totally, totally non-romantic way. Really.). The guy is fun to talk to and we have a bunch in common. I feel like he'd make a great friend, but is there any non awkward way of me hanging out with this guy without my ex around? And also not sending him the message that I'm interested? I mean I'd probably be hanging out with him and other people. Maybe it's not possible to be just friends with a guy in a non-awkward way. The conversation between us flows really well, so it's a shame.

 

The fact that I can't figure out a way of making this "friend switch" has made me lean more towards doing NC...but maybe there is a way of pulling it off that hasn't occurred to me yet. After all, this girl my ex and his roommate are friends with now is an ex fck buddy of one of their other roommates and now she just hangs out with them without her ex buddy around.

 

My ex's friends are all scattered around. They're not a tight-knit group of friends, which is why I feel like there might be more hope of meeting people. A lot of the people who come to our hang outs are friends of friends he barely knows. Am I totally delusional on this?

 

I guess it's just that I've found the only way to really make a group of friends is to join an already established group, and given my present isolation, I don't have those connections through which to meet other people. I don't know how I'd go about making them either. I'm really trying. I have made friends with my roommate, but like me she's new to town so she doesn't know any people.

 

I should mention that I have a crush on one of my ex's very non-close friends, who isn't part of his group. Once I noticed the feelings, I immediately told my ex to make sure it was cool with him if I wanted to pursue something. He says he's ttotally cool with it. Last night I invited the guy out to a movie with me and my roommate and he came along. My original hope had been that afterward we could all hang out at a bar, and he sent out a kind of feeler saying he was going to the late night coffee shop next door...but I felt all nervous and went along with my roommate when she said wanted to go back home right after we left the theater.

 

Part of me is concerned that hanging out with these people is giving me the illusion of having friends without really having them. Like a kind of bandaid that might allow me to become complacent about making other friends.

 

But I'm also concerned that if I suddenly start NC and stop socializing with these people, I'll fall apart and lose a lot of the progress I've made.

 

I'm genuinely torn. I really want to make the right choice for myself. This has nothing to do with him or hoping he'll change his mind anymore. It's all about what's best for me getting my life together.

[Jilly Bean]

Your therapist sucks ass, Shadow. The fact she would recommend you re-engage with this guy shows she either isn't paying attention, or doesn't have a clue.

 

Continue with NC.

[shadowplay]

Your therapist sucks ass, Shadow. The fact she would recommend you re-engage with this guy shows she either isn't paying attention, or doesn't have a clue.

 

Continue with NC.

 

Heh. Yeah, I'm kind of starting to wonder how good she is...not just in this respect too.

 

But what about the other reasons I mentioned?

[shadowplay]

Anyone?

 

 

-------------------------

[northstar1]

I think you need to start looking at ways to make friends that don't include your ex and his social circle.

[shadowplay]

I think you need to start looking at ways to make friends that don't include your ex and his social circle.

 

What about my therapist's concern that I'll get more isolated and depressed again without doing that?

[Kamille]

Ah! If ever we needed any proof that LS isn't anything like therapy!

 

Shadow, I don't see where the problem is. You sound like you are able to maintain LC, you are meeting new people, who, in your own words, aren't a tight knit group of people, which means it's likely easier to meet a lot of people through that network. The only thing you need to do is start sending out invites to these people:

 

Example:

 

Me: there's a new thai restaurant that opened close to my place

Friend: We should go sometime

Me: how about this weekend?

 

Then follow up on the plans.

 

Also, join activities if you can. My language classes and dance classes are amazing. I haven't really hung out with anyone from the classes yet, but just going to the class is a social activity in itself, and it helps me feel less isolated.

 

You're doing good! Keep going.

[Star Gazer]

Part of me is concerned that hanging out with these people is giving me the illusion of having friends without really having them. Like a kind of bandaid that might allow me to become complacent about making other friends.

 

I think your feelings are right about this.

 

You've made amazing progress in the past couple months, Shadow. I really don't see any need to remain in your ex's social circle at all. You might not believe/see it, but you've built your own social circle. You just need to invest in it now.

[Jilly Bean]

What about my therapist's concern that I'll get more isolated and depressed again without doing that?

 

So, she is saying unless you re-entrench yourself in his world, you will be isolated and depressed?

 

She sucks, Shadow. Seriously. How damaging is this broad? I can't believe this is the advice she is giving you. Truly.

 

Continue NC with him. There is NO reason to ever be friends with him, nor maintain any kind of acquaintanceship. He was crappy to you, so why she encourages you to befriend him is amazing.

 

You live in an area with tens of thousands of people your age, many of whom you will share vast interests. Work that opportunity, and let him and his friends go.

 

Continue to network new opportunites and friendships, and let him, his friends, and your THERAPIST go by the wayside.

[northstar1]

What about my therapist's concern that I'll get more isolated and depressed again without doing that?

 

You are starting to make friends (your houstemate etc).

 

How about joining some social events/groups? A Running clinic? Great way to get in shape and meet new people. Yoga? Pilates? Dance classes?

 

Or a hobby like art class, photography etc.

 

There are usually meetup groups to go hiking/wine tasting etc as well in most cities.

 

You seem like a smart girl who has a lot to add to a friendship, if you start putting yourself into situations to meet people, you will : )

[shadowplay]

Thanks for the responses, guys. I was I hoping you'd knock some sense into me, because my therapist's advice just didn't feel right. You've convinced me. I haven't contacted him in the last couple of days, and don't plan on doing it again.

[GrayClouds]

because my therapist's advice just didn't feel right.

 

The best explanation is you thereapist has a high morgage on a nice McMansion, they are trying to keep you just f#ck up enough so you continue to be a steady income source. It is time to make this therapist your newest EX.