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This can't be normal?

Coping Learning to deal with one's emotions and loss.

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Old 28th May 2010, 4:56 PM   #1
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 27
This can't be normal?

She ended it just before thanksgiving 09. Long distance was the catalyst of the breakup but it was more so what she said in the end that has crippled me beyond belief. We were together for a year, everything moved intensely we ended up living together for 8 months before she moved across country for grad school. This was unfortunately my third consecutive relationship that ended as a result of long distance. She was only going to be gone for a years time at which I would move to be with her or she would come home. Two months in things changed overnight, more specifically a day after her midterm I had a hard time getting a hold of her, we barely talked for the week leading into her midterm because she was swamped and I completely understood and wanted to give her space. I know her workload kept her insanely busy and tried to be as accommodating as possible.

That faithful night we finally spoke and to me it was as if she magically transformed overnight, her tone, her attitude towards me, etc. She said she felt different and I asked her to explain. She said I lacked passion in life and what I do for a living and because she is so passionate about what she does she feared I would never achieve such a passionate therefore we could never connect on the level she is on. She went on to say that I have no drive and I never reach for anything. I was stunned that all this was coming out of her mouth at once. I fell for her hard because she was like no other girl I had ever met before, I supported her emotionally(heavily, family issues...) and financially and did so willingly because I knew I genuinely loved her. She ended her rant by telling me our year together was her wanting to try something different while she had a year off from school and I should just go ahead and live my life. I didn't fight, beg or pled, I was stunned and granted her the break she wanted to take. Break=break up. I said I cared about her more then anything and she said maybe thats the problem. In the end, all I was trying to do was save and maintain a relationship that meant the world to me. That phone call lasted 90 minutes and I didn't defend myself or fight her on anything, she pretty much ran wild on me The next time we spoke was on new years after she came to the same party I was going to unannounced and further solidified her poor treatment of me. It was like the girl I fell for, died.

Through all of this I just feel completely humiliated. I lost my job in the process of all of this and just feel like a shell of a person and have lost my confidence completely. I am by no means a irresponsible person I was working hard in my job, I just hadn't found my passion yet. I more then anyone know the pitfalls of long distance and I truly felt that because she would be gone for a year this could work. In the end, break up for not, all I wanted was respect and I didn't even have the ba**s to stand up for myself when she saying such crude and horrible things. Which brings me to my question in the subject header... I have fallen into a deep depression that cause a trip to the ER because I feared for my own safely. There is something psychologically damaging when someone you love, thought you had a future with and respect tells you that your not worth fighting for because you don't have what it takes to be a person rather then judge me on the content of my character. And to say that the year together was something different she wanted to try, like I was a place holder for the rest of her life, WTF!? If these were her reasons, what women is going to want me after this. I know your going to say that i've given her to much control but the pain of losing her has been profound and really done a number on me. As hard as it is to admit, I know she gone for good and never coming back. I am haunted by her memory and just wish I could fix it, but it's broken for a reason. Now more then ever I should be rebuilding my life for me and not caring about anything but I just feel guilty/angry/sad/disturbed beyond reproach and just feel like am empty shell and a worthless being. 6 months later, this ain't normal??
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Old 28th May 2010, 5:17 PM   #2
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Posts: 223
Considering your circumstances, this sounds completely normal to me. There's a lot of people on here who take six months before picking themselves up.

I honestly suggest therapy. I agree, this stuff is psychologically damaging, and therapy mixed with your own desire to get better and move on should really help guide you and move faster than you think. Find a therapist and see her a couple of times a week at first.

This IS normal, don't worry.
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Old 29th May 2010, 1:15 PM   #3
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It'll be one year since my ex and I broke up in a couple of weeks (give or take some)
and just a little over 7.5 months NC.
Though, I am stress-free.. doing amazingly well, I still have lingering thoughts of him. Mostly too because he said things about me to people that really have no grounding and I know he knows it and I want to call his bluff.

Other than that, I don't understand how we get sucked into the 'passionless' position. I, too, suffer from it.. but also because of your circumstance.. I don't know what my passion is! I do this and that. hobby there, hobby here... but lose interest in a lot.. never quite reach a 'really REALLY good at something' level. I have a lot of interests but also no way of really being able to attain some of the 'education' I'd like in them in the immediate timeframe. (A big chunk of my income goes to student loans.. for a degree that's pretty worthless... but that's another ramble)
Just wanted to let you know, someone else is at the same point as you.

It gets easier.. just keep your head up. think positively. and smile and be open when you meet new people.
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