My Swan Song for all of Love Shack; read! :)

[novack]

This is long but I feel it is insightful for all you broken hearted first loves out there!

I have been with more women than I can remember, been rejected by far more than one could possibly count. BUT I was only in love once in my life and there is one girl who shaped my character forever.

It started ½ way through my first year of university, after going through a entire semester being with anything that moved. I was at the height of my life when I met her, happy inward and outward (maybe this is the trick). Seeing her made me feel butterflies I never had experienced before and the girl was nothing special to my friends, so they simply labelled her “girl”. As in this “girl” will pass and won’t be worth noting about.

The thing about her was that I finally found someone who felt the same way I did about the other at the same time. We didn’t have much in common, nor were we compatible personalities but I grew to quickly love this girl. I was her first but really she was my first love which I think is far more important at least for guys anyways. The end of first semester came and went and my love for this girl was undying, and I truly mean that. The special thing was that she was exactly the same way.

2nd year roles around and we continue our happy tale, with few speed bumps and grew to be very comfortable around each other. She began to isolate herself from her friends and I slowly took her for granted. I would think about other women during intercourse (all humans make mistakes) but I still deeply loved this girl (and truly loved her, I really did). We continued throughout the year with small cracks forming on our perfect picture, there was no fighting but I knew there were red flags; I just didn’t want to acknowledge them.

We did a early summer semester together, but it forced us to make a new group of friends and spend more time without others around. I found a group of people who I liked to spend time with over my girlfriend, so I am not completely innocent. We fought a little (we never fought before this, ever) but managed to patch things up before I said goodbye for 2 months during the summer. After she leaves I realized I had to break up with the girl, not because I didn’t love her, but because I knew it wouldn’t work.

½ through the summer, my best friend convinces me to change my decision as I always believed love was enough. We finally reunited back in our university hometown, in love more than the day I first told her I loved her.

Up to this point I had been LESS THAN PERFECT and not the best bf in the world but her actions were and will always be unjustified. She got drunk and cheated on me, to the extent of which I do not know but at least a couple of make outs, at the very least and it saddens me to think it was probably more. This all occurred in the first week of being back, she went from RED HOT in love with me (it was really weird in retrospect of what happened next) to ICE COLD. I just couldn’t peace together that she had cheated on me and felt guilty. Maybe this was her wake up that we wouldn’t work out.

She calls me over crying telling me she is unsure of how she feels and tries to break up with me. Me having no clue what was happening (those love coloured glasses f uck everything up haha) convinced her to a one week break, NOT BREAK UP (never do this but you gotta make mistakes sometimes I guess).

One day 2 she called me saying how much she missed me yet this would soon change. I remember her coming up to me on day 4 and spoke to me like a robot. The girl, the relationship, the emotion was sucked out of our conversation and she literally destroyed my self esteem with simple small talk. It was never what she said but how she spoke to me. I panicked, texted her and bugged her speeding up the eventual process. She made out with a guy right in front of me resulting in a serious melt-down which my GOODGOOOOODODOOD!!!!! Friends saved me from.

I called her the next day to try and patch things up but there was no talking to her, she had already made her decision, but I had to make my case after 1 year and 8 months together. She told me she needed to be independent on student exchange next semester (we were both going to the same place) which frustrated me because it didn’t make sense until much later. (This was big lie, so please girls/guys reading be up front about the reasons for a break up not mean but truthful)

I wasn’t too bad in begging her to come back, I texted a little bit and made out with her once afterwards but overall was pretty decent after the fact. The girl broke my heart into a million pieces. I shut down, f ucked everything, cried everyday and developed a serious drinking problem. I am 20 years old and aged 50 years in the past 5 months but that’s life. I saw her come home from the bar one night with the guy she made out with in front of me and I fell to my knees trembling.

I later found out she started dating the guy she spent that first week with (different than the one I saw her make out with), and later found out she had cheated on me with during that time (to what extent I hope to never know). I was destroyed; I took out my anger on my work, my studies, my friends and every girl I knew.

But time is a healer, 1 week turns into a month and here I stand 5 months out of a relationship and can’t believe how the time has passed. I don’t miss my girlfriend, I miss what we had not the person and that’s what’s most important.

Every dumpee thinks they miss the person but in fact they miss the connection with the individual that they think cannot be duplicated with others. Have I ever duplicated it, NO WAY, but I now understand how it works and that it does happen again.

My only regret is that my ex gf never admitted to the cheating nor more importantly apologized because that would complete my healing...maybe haha. I was a mess a couple days ago when I by accident stumbled on tagged pics on facebook (delete your ex good move for me did it early) of ex and her bf who she cheated on me with. I was upset but it’s a battle it gets bad then better than bad again then better again.... annoying but it works!

My life is not perfect yet; I do miss my ex, and sometimes feel hopeless that I won’t find love again. I deep down realize that I always knew my ex was not the one for me but I just didn’t have the balls to say it out loud till right now. Things do get better, but you have to be willing to fight with yourself to get out of the gutter.

I lost a life with the end of my relationship, but I also gained one I know will be better for me in the future. I hope to one day to be able to think nicely about my ex with no hard feelings because at one point in my life I truly loved her, and that came from inside of me.

I am going to take a break from LS for awhile, maybe till I’m 100% healed but when you get to the 80-90% range the last bit doesn’t really matter because the butterflies are gone with her and are only a memory in my head.

Good luck everyone and please look at my old posts if you need insight I always did it when I read someone else’s.

Also I’m on exchange in Barcelona (my ex convinced me to come here, she didn’t do exchange suckeeeeeeeer) please message me and we can drink life away (in a good way).

I’m not religious but GOD BLESS and thank you!

[novack]

haha weird timing..just found out she got dumped by a mutual friend today...don't really care ha!

[single]

Good for her don't go back anywhere near her now that she is single.

 

You sound like you are doing fine.