I am obviously affected by the break up of my ex, since I am here and can't sleep

[00mariposita00]

This is a really long story, and it is really crazy. I hope it does not bore you, but I least it helped me get tired so I have less trouble sleeping.

 

Is 2:09 AM and I can't sleep. I broke up with my b.f on the summer of last year, June 2009. We meet online on 2006, and had a friendship for like two years. Yes I know, online relationships are full of lies, and is a waste of time. I went through that and I will never do that ever again.

 

I sacrificed a lot for this guy. I moved to Miami where he lives to go to a college near him as an excuse to leave my country and be close to him, but really, I did wanted to get a degree in that college and I did, but I could have stayed in my country and studied a better career that would have cost cheaper. I borrowed a 20,000 loan for everything, apartment, tuition, etc.

 

I had a romantic relationship with this guy. He was very sensitive, caring, he payed a lot of attention to me, he cared a lot about me, and even took care of me when I feel sick with bronquitis. He was a very wonderful person with beautiful feelings. He is now 27, I am 23.

 

Here is the most shocking part: He is an illegal immigrant: venezuelan and half italian living for years in Miami, with his brother, mother, and stepfather. He does not look illegal, so that's the reason he has not been deported. At the end his mother and brother got legalized except him, because of some crazy laws I never understood.

 

But I did not cared. I knew this before coming to Miami. I though it was a problem but temporary, because I was so crazy in love with him that I said, I could help him, get married. I am puertorican by the way (american citizen). My parents were really angry and upset with me with all the crazy decisions I made for this guy, but they got tired of my **** and let me do what I wanted. They knew I was blind and not seeing reality, but they wanted me to learn from my mistakes, since I was too stubborn. I wanted to be free, live away from home, have a boyfriend, and live by my own rules.

 

So ok, we had our relationship in person, he managed to get a job, but it was a very crappy car wash job, that payed him a misery. He then got other jobs, but they did not last long. We lived together, and I was paying things with what I earned from work-study and loans, while he just payed for the groceries........which was what he ate too.

 

So, we lived 10 months together, almost a year, we lost our virginities together, he was indeed a virgin. We enjoyed our company very much, we were best friends at the time, he was a normal guy, but his legal status and his lack of $$$$$ was a serious issue. I was so stressed out with college, my family not accepting him, his family pressuring me to get married, he did not had a job and me neither, so things were getting ridiculous. His mother has a lot of loose screws. She is crazy. She conceits his sons too much like they were babies. She always called me to know what I was doing with his son. She irritated me sometimes, because of that, and also because she made this comments that were offensive to me, I immediately saw that she just wanted me to solve his sons papers.

 

My mother and my sister meet him on May and helped me move my things to my aunts house who lived in fort lauderdale. I wanted to stay in florida, and get a job after getting my certification. They did not approve of him, but respected him. Also they meet his family and they dislike them also.

 

So that's when things got more difficult, because he had to move to his home with his mother, and brother, etc, and I had to move to my aunts house cause I could not pay my rent.

 

He started to miss me.......he did not have a car HAHAHAHA, this is another thing that will definitely make you say WHAT??? How did you put up with that?

 

So I had to drive like an hour to go to his house, and I stayed over the weekends at his house, and then came back to my aunts house, to study. All he tough was SEX, and he got so annoying, sending me tons of text messages, wondering what I was doing. It was getting on my nerves.

 

 

Another thing, there was tension between his brother, and him, which made me dislike him. His brother is one yr older than me. He is a player, and a cheater. He has sex with his neighbor, and see other girls too, which I though it was weird. I did not get along with his neighbor also. She was a slut and had no manners.

 

So, I was practically living at my bfs house during the weekends, and that was creating tension with me, him and his family. I disliked being at their house, but we could not do anything else. He was not making any money. His family wanted me to bring money to their home, but that was not going to happen, because I was living at my aunts house, I just visited my bf because I was not allowed to bring him to my aunts house.

 

One day, he and his brother got into an argument, then I started yelling at his brother, because he disrespected me, and things got really violent. I decided to leave, and never come back, and that was the last day I saw my bf and his family.

 

I immediately call my mom and told her I was sorry for hurting them and being so ignorant, and that she was right. My parents bough me the plane tickets immediately to come back home.

 

He was devastated, but the entire time he was selfish, and only though about his needs, not mine. He never stood for me, when his brother disrespected me, and in the end he and his brother ended up friends, and my ex said that I never loved him and that I was a person full of hate. The best thing I did was not marry him, because it would have been a nightmare being with his crazy family and he not having anything to support me.

 

Things changed for the better. I got immediately on my feet, and continued studying to get licensed for my profession. I was soooooooo busy for 8 months studying and doing other things, that I really did not felt depressive, just a bit, but I kept motivated to finish my goals.

 

Now that I am done with all the studying, I am still unemployed looking for a job, going to interviews.....with lots of times in my hands, I have been thinking so much about him. I know this was a toxic and harmful relationship that I did not deserved, but I missed those intimate moments I had with him. I sometimes wonder, how things would be if he could solve his legal issue over there, got educated, and earn a decent salary and come back to me, but I know that if he never did it in the past, he will never do it. He is taking a course right now on computer repair, but is not from an accredited school, so he will just get a piece of paper, with no use. He may have the knowledge but he still needs to do a lot to fix his life, and save all those years lost doing nothing.

 

He is still sitting on his butt, looking for "love" online, chatting with girls. What an idiot. I don't want to do him harm, but........I regret sleeping with that guy. He is like a child, in a body of a man. He needs help. He is so sweet but he has so many physiological issues.

 

And that's the reason why I have been trouble sleeping these days.

 

I really need to get a job to keep myself occupied, and meet new people. I know that if I do I will not think about him, but even though I'll ignore him, I will never get over the fact that he was my first boyfriend, and we lost our virginities together, and went through all that.

 

He has been the same, and I know that if I come back to him which that is the most retarded thing I could do I would still be suffering.

 

He will never change.

 

People tell me to forget him, but is hard to forget a person who you gave so much of yourself and took advantage of you.

 

If only I lived in a fantasy world with him, we would be happy, loving each other, but in the real world you have to work and pay bills.

 

I need a psychologist. People put themselves on stupid situations.