Can we start over as friends?

[PuggaGirl]

Hi. To everyone here, thank you: I've been reading here since my life turned upside down 2 months ago and I've laughed and cried with you. Thanks for letting me know I am not alone. I've been emotionally unready to post until now. I'm going to apologize now for this long story:

 

I am 35 and H is 34. We started dating when I was 21 and he was my first boyfriend, first kiss, first love. We moved in with each other 6 months after meeting. We bought a house in 1998 and married in 2000. This May would be our 10th anniversary. We have always enjoyed each other's company. We never fought but now we realize we never really talked. I started Depo Provera in 2002 and, although I don't lay full blame on meds, I think that was the start of a lot of problems. I started putting on weight and became self-conscious. That teamed with physical problems really caused my sex drive to dwindle and our sex life became non-existant. I dropped all meds last year but the damage was already done.

 

Beginning of October 2009,My husband started talking to an ex-girlfriend from high school. She had a baby and was trying to re-connect with old friends. My H happened to be one of these people. They had several conversations about problems in their marriages. Ultimately, he broke off contact with her, but it started him thinking about our own marriage and our problems. Late that month, H and I had long talks about our marriage and problems we were having. I made suggestions: counseling, date nights; anything to try and find the spark that made us fall in love. I came away from those conversations as hopeful that since we'd finally talked, we could heal and get help. I was wrong. November 20th was the last morning my husband woke up in our bed. He found an apartment and moved out. I tried to be brave: this was good - time apart would let us grow and re-discover our own identities. For 14 years, it had always been us. We didn't have a strong family connection and lacked the social network of most people our age. H has since re-gained his social self and has a busy social life. The comment has been made that he is "34 going on 21". I on the other hand have never been social and struggle just to make it through a happy hour with the girls from work.

 

Well, its been 2 months and multiple tantrums on my part. I have done everything I shouldn't have just to try to keep a glimmer of hope alive. Husband says he married me because "that was what he was supposed to do" and has not felt like a husband to me for the entire time we've been married. This hurts me so bad. To think he's been unhappy this entire time breaks my heart and makes me feel so out of touch. I knew we had issues, but... We both admit that the past years have been more of a room-mate relationship. Neither of us wanted to upset the other, so we just kept on with life and never talked about the problems and our unhappiness. After acting like a lunatic last night, I realize there will not be a reconciliation even if I/we work on our issues. Its insane of me to try to hold out hope of re-kindling a one-sided marriage. We are best friends and want to stay that way. I am having a hard time getting used to this new life without him around 24/7. I am so scared, sad, and lonely but it wouldn't have been any easier if he'd waited another year or 10 years to tell me how he felt. Although I'm heart broken, I would not want him to just live a lie and go through the motions just to keep us together.

 

I hit bottom again this week and since I don't have a lot of people to talk to, I felt it was time to at least put my story out there.

[rand0m]

Hey,

I'm really sorry to hear about what you're going through, but yes, there are a lot of us struggling through similar issues.

 

You won't be able to start over as friends until you are over him completely. That means that when you see him, you have no emotional connection to a personal relationship with him. Obviously we are emotionally attached, in some way, so some of our best friends, but not in the "I want to be your one and only" sort of way.

 

I say give it time. If you rush into being friends, you will never be able to let go and will just torture yourself.

 

You'll make it, it's just going to take a while.

[GrayClouds]

Your fears are competly understandable. Your whole adault life has been with this person and now your being asked to walk on your own. Ity is scary but trust me you can do it. In time you will be amazed on how strong and capible of a person you are. Start by foucing on yourself. Do thing s to make yourself stronger; exersize, eat well, journal your thoughts and feeling, start some new hobbies or classes, spent time with people who care about you. It all sounds a bit unimportatn but it will helpo you heal.

 

Good luck and be kind to yourself.

[PuggaGirl]

Thanks for the responses. After posting last night, I have really been thinking about everything that has happened. I still see my H 3 times a week at the gym. It was something we started before the breakup and I'm trying to keep that as our "friendly place" with no talk about us or problems between us. I am going to give it some time before I try to do other things with him like dinner or just having a drink. He's apparently over our 14 years together, but its going to take me some time to get over him.

[PuggaGirl]

I did a bad thing: I snooped on some forums I know H belongs to and found out he's joined a dating site. Actually, he joined shortly after moving out of the house. I guess I am so hurt that he could move on so quickly. I just can't believe that our 14 years together was a complete lie. I feel like such a fool for even wanting him to stay in my life. I'm so confused right now.

[GrayClouds]

It is time to take care of your self. Read the following:

 

The No Contact Guide

So you want a second chance?

 

He is moving on and so should you. It is painful and hard but following the information in the links and it will get you there.

 

Good luck and keep posting. Sorry for your pain.

[PuggaGirl]

Gray: Thanks for the links. I did a lot of thinking of the weekend. I went back to see my therapist on Monday. I sobbed for the entire hour, but I realized that I have been trying to hold on to a glimmer of hope that wasn't there. This hope gave me a reason to go on somedays while others it made life hard to live. I gave up this hope on Monday and took off my wedding rings. I looked at it as a way to break the bond that I was still imagining with my husband.

 

Tuesday, I didn't talk or text him at all. I went out with friends after work and was able to let go and not think about H at all. I also moved my gym days so hopefully I won't have to see him there. Today, I ignored several calls from H, but did have to see him since we work for the same company (different buildings normally). "You didn't say much to me. Is everything okay?" He asked as he left the building. I wanted to respond - "no. things are not okay - you made sure of that. Why don't you go see your girlfriend upstairs (yes, she works in my building for the same company)". I sent him a quick email about some mutual bills, but I am trying to stick to the NC thing to help myself. My anger towards him fueled my day, but now the sadness is creeping back in as I get tired tonight...

[Sadbutrelieved]

That's a hard one, having to still see him at work and know she's there too. I don't know how I would handle that...probably badly. In the evening is when my sadness has been hitting too, and what I've been doing is writing letters to him, getting all my feelings out, all the feelings he wouldn't give a rat's about anyway, then I delete them in the morning. Have a good cry, take a couple tylenol pm and go to bed...that's my routine right now, but it's keeping me from contacting him.

[GrayClouds]

Gray: Thanks for the links. I did a lot of thinking of the weekend. I went back to see my therapist on Monday. I sobbed for the entire hour, but I realized that I have been trying to hold on to a glimmer of hope that wasn't there. This hope gave me a reason to go on somedays while others it made life hard to live. I gave up this hope on Monday and took off my wedding rings. I looked at it as a way to break the bond that I was still imagining with my husband.

 

Tuesday, I didn't talk or text him at all. I went out with friends after work and was able to let go and not think about H at all. I also moved my gym days so hopefully I won't have to see him there. Today, I ignored several calls from H, but did have to see him since we work for the same company (different buildings normally). "You didn't say much to me. Is everything okay?" He asked as he left the building. I wanted to respond - "no. things are not okay - you made sure of that. Why don't you go see your girlfriend upstairs (yes, she works in my building for the same company)". I sent him a quick email about some mutual bills, but I am trying to stick to the NC thing to help myself. My anger towards him fueled my day, but now the sadness is creeping back in as I get tired tonight...

 

Your doing the rigth things. Keep NC going, any conversation you have to have keep it short, polite and to the point. He does not get to know how you are doing, if he was really interested he would still be there. He can not have it both ways. Beside if he see you are doing bad it boost his ego and if your doing well it relieves his guilt. So give him nothing.

 

Regarding the anger, that is a good sign. That is you sticking up for yourself and saying you deserve better. Understand it will cycle between hurt and anger, loniness and depression but you will get through it. Write now keep the focus on you, allow yourself to feel what ever you feel but then let it go.

 

Hang in there you made a big step forward.

[sunrae]

Wow Puggagirl,

I cant relate to your story.... I was with my ex husband for about nine years, we dated for one, lived together for 7 and was married for only one year before I found out about his girlfriend and we divorced. I asked him after we seperated why he married me and he said "everyone excpected us to".. Yep that stung..

He was all I knew for 9 yrs, so I had to go out and find myself. Had to get up everymorning and put on my big girl panties, fake it through the day, and cry my eyes out in the shower at night... It's been a journey, good and bad days.

 

The best present was the judge signed my divorce papers on my birthday six years ago.. If I can make it, you can make it...

[sunrae]

Also, GrayClouds, gives some really good advice, so take it into consideration..

[PuggaGirl]

Sunrae, It helps to know that someone else has made it through this nightmare.

 

I have been up and down all week. Did go out and do some fun things with friends from work. It is so hard to think of him with the new girl doing everything we did together and even things that he wouldn't do with me. I guess he's so infatuated with the new person that he's probably relieved I went NC this week. I am so mad at myself that I encouraged him to be friends with the girl at work because they had a lot in common. Fool me once...

 

I am so ashamed at how I didn't put more effort into our intimacy issues; I didn't put him first and satisfy him even when I didn't want sex. I didn't go the extra step to bring romance and passion back into our life. It was so easy to say "tomorrow night, I'll change". Well, now there is no tomorrow. I keep going round and round: if I had spoken up and told him what made me uncomfortable, would I have been able to change our future? Right now, I really don't blame him for walking away. Because we didn't have a strong sexual bond, maybe there really was no love and we were just friends pretending since the beginning. She is doing more for him right now than I probably ever did in our entire marriage. I just feel so empty.