First post, pouring my heart out about coping with break up and my new relationship

[malex]

Sorry if this post comes across a bit scatter-brained but im not really the type to be able to express my emotions to strangers about how i feel, although ive read the advice given on this board and you seem like a good group of people who would be able to offer some good advice so i'll give it a shot:

 

I met my ex-gf through a mutual "friend" i say friend but i wasnt particularly fond of her as she was quite a negative person. But after spending time with the girl i was introduced to (my ex) feelings developed and i decided against my better judgement to date her. I was 20 at the time and she had a kid, something i didn't forsee myself getting deeply involved in but i did because i fell in love.

 

Early in the relationship i felt she was a really sweet girl and i loved her intellect and sense of humor but i saw signs of disrespect and ungratefulness that i knew i shouldnt of put up with. She admitted to me she had tricked her ex into getting her pregnant because she had previously had an abortion and felt extremely guilty and depressed about it. I had a hard time dealing with that, but i had a harder time accepting the kind of loser she chose to have a child with. Then the real shocker for me is when i found out she broke up with the babies father soon after the kid was born and 4-6 months later she was out clubbing and had a one night stand with a guy in a public sauna (yeh one of those saunas).

 

Im not trying to be high and mighty but i feel like i was compromising my values by being with her. I felt insecure and so i googled her screen names for myspace and found her detailing her sex life on random thuggish looking guys blog and leaving dirty comments on her ex's best friends page. I was shocked and hurt, she never came across as anything less than a smart fun girl who had made some mistakes. But i never got over these dissapointing things in my mind and so i changed.

 

I became bitter and angry. I started not to trust her and our relationship became addictive. Amazing sex, and excellent passionate high times and equally extreme down times of cursing and arguing and smashing of windows and doors.

 

I realised this was not best for her child to see, and it wasnt in my best interest to be in a relationship with someone who would make me feel so good and empower my confidence and yet take it all away with disrespect and mind games.

 

I ended up lying about where i was and so did she. We played mind games with each other. But i did truly love her. I showed her passion in love and in anger. I did things for her that showed her how romantic i was and how much i truly cared.

 

But it eventually ended as the arguments became more frequent and intense.

 

Soon after the break up i met this great new girl, she loves and cares for me and is so good natured. Although i always compare her to my ex, I will compare her intellect and humor and never really give her a chance although logically i know this girl is one in a million.

 

My ex came back into my life a few weeks into my new relationship and i crossed the line with her one too many times. In hind sight my ex was using me while she found something new and eventually broke contact with me and left me shattered again.

 

Since then contact had been broken a couple of times and my ex even told me she had a miscarriage which sent me back a hundred steps... but its been about 6 months no contact now and a year and a half into my new relationship but i still think about my ex and lust after her even though we both know it wont work.

 

The very last time i spoke to my ex she said she was dating someone else and was very cold with me about how she will not pursue anything with me again. I initially contacted her because at my young age of 23 i was diagnosed with a tumour which needed removing and i wasnt thinking straight. Im healthy now but my craving for her hasnt stopped. We had such great sexual chemistry and passion that i cant move past as well as enjoying great laughs and discussions. But indeed the bad in the long run did outweigh the good.

 

I want to work on building a connection with my current girlfriend as i truly dont feel connected to her in the way i should because i never moved on from my ex but i do not want to lose her because i feel we could be happy together if i gave it a chance but im not open to a connection because i still "love" my ex...

 

Im sorry for such a long post, i never usually go on like this but its all come flooding out. Ive probably missed details but i think i covered the main points. Thanks for reading (if you got this far)

[DenverBachelor]

I did read that far and I do truly feel for you. Look brother, every relationship we get into is really a multi-faceted reflection of all our greatest hopes, dreams, passions as well as our deepest fears, resentments, anxieties and past torments. We never really know what we're getting into when we forge into a new commitment, but one of the things that we have to prepare ourselves for is the realization that the person we entered that relationship with may not be the right person for us -- DESPITE all of the great times, passionate sex, bedrood talk, talk of the future, etc. Some people might realize this in months, some may take 18 years or more.

 

What I can tell you is that this is an excellent opportunity to reflect back on your own strengths and weaknesses during that relationship and figure out what lessons you learned from your time together.

 

Make no mistake about it -- relationships are the greatest guides to our own personal development. Sometimes, it takes a very painful kick in the ass to realize those deeper faults within ourselves, but that failed relationship isn't a failure for YOU. You're going to learn so much about yourself and life. Just don't get hung up on the person -- but it's ok to grieve the loss of the relationship as a whole.

 

Life does go on. Little by little.

[coltsfan1]

sounds to me like you may have a pretty nice girl right now. So try and give her a chance to be in your life. I am going through a fresh break up now so I know what its like to lose someone you care about. However, your ex IS NOT trust worthy she told you she got pregnant no purpose while lying to the guy. this is easy for me to say but RUN RUN and RUN futher. that is a serious RED flag. But good luck in whatever decision you make.

[malex]

I want to take the opportunity to thank you guys for the replies so far. I will post a propper update soon. I felt a lot better after posting this but slipping back into my similar depressing thought patterns over my ex. I feel that what stops me moving on is a feeling of needing to show her what she lost. Or fantasizing about how great i will come to spite her... Its a secondary feeling of motivation and so perhaps it puts me in a negative mindset and thinking about her more when i need to learn to just forget her, easier said than done. I also notice i treat my current gf worse by being aggravated by thinking about my ex. It's a terrible situation i need to break out of because i find myself having a better relationship once i feel free from this depression over my ex but it comes back to haunt me and i find myself comparing my current and my ex and dwelling over the qualities i lost in my ex instead of the qualities i gained from my current gf.

Edited February 11, 2010 by malex