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I could use a little encouragement...


Coping Learning to deal with one's emotions and loss.

 
 
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Old 14th July 2009, 9:36 PM   #1
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I could use a little encouragement...

It was two years ago this week he dumped me. I have lived one year without any contact at all. Please remind me that I DO NOT need FOR ANY REASON to text him and acknowledge this fact and tell him I still love him.

I know I'd never actually do it, but I'm bummed out over the fact that he really did just walk out the door and disappear two years ago and hasn't been seen since. He REALLY DID cut me totally out of his life, he REALLY DOES want me gone, and there is no indication that I'll ever know the real reason why, or if he went through any pain at all after he left. I will never know if my NC had any effect. I have no choice but to be at peace with the not-knowing.

I'll be really glad when this week is over. I've had getting-back-together dreams the last two nights. I need to come up with something special to do to mark having survived two years, something positive.
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Old 14th July 2009, 9:48 PM   #2
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You do not for any reason need to text him. Congrats on staying in no contact you have done a great job. You know in a way I can relate to you. I had someone that I cared for very deeply just vanish from my life and I'll never have an answer as to why. It hurts and It's confusing. But, you make peace without having closure and just simply continue on with life. Do something special just for YOU. You deserve it.

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Old 14th July 2009, 10:14 PM   #3
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You don't need to text him. You made it the first year, right? And guess what? You made it the second year. And guess what else? You'll make it the next year and the next and the next.

Have you any idea how strong you are? I honestly don't know why you're so hard on yourself. So many people are struggling to do what you have already done. You're an inspiration! You don't need him! You're belly dancing, you're writing books, you're doing activism, and you're helping people here on LS. And what is he doing? Playing bass every other night. What is this, high school?

HE'S not good enough for you, not the other way around.
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Old 14th July 2009, 10:30 PM   #4
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Sedg,

having been here for over a year, and having seen little to no progress in you, I'm just gonna say it:

you're dwelling in a cesspool of self-pity. You don't care to get over this guy, at all. Many users have wasted their time attempting to help you, but the same sob story comes out of your keyboard every day. Your first reaction is anger at the user who says things like this - so I expect to get some anger from you, too. I don't know what anyone can say to help you, b/c you have not changed your thought patterns, you live in hell BY CHOICE, and you don't listen whenever anyone tries to help you, anyway.

If I recall correctly, you are in counseling. Get a new therapist - you are not making the progress you should. I write to you from a place of patience, but it is limited. Other users know exactly what I'm talking about.

Best of luck.
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Honey, I just don't feel like we're Facebooking enough. You never comment on my status updates. I just don't think it's working out. I am going to have to unfriend you. We can still be friends on MySpace, though. I'm really sorry. Maybe I'll send you an Evite someday.
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Old 14th July 2009, 10:54 PM   #5
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Hello,

First I'd like to say please don't take this personal or get upset at what I am about to say..I speak from experience because i KNOW how much losing the one you love hurts, believe me...but I read your stories and I honestly can say that although you can't help for how long you love someone...sometimes the person you loved may remain in your heart forever..HOWEVER you need to go on with your life. It has been 2 years. I still think about my ex and I guess you could say haven't forgotten about him but I don't dwell on him all the time...By choice..you CAN move on..please listen to me and dont think its just cliche talk..people REALLY DO have bigger problems than losing someone you love..you only have one life..look your prettiest...try your hardest to make you happy..find people whos companies you enjoy..i have read your stories..you're a bellydancer and that is sexy..i'm pretty sure many guys think the same thing...stop beating yourself up about "im not a musician"...stop it..right this very second...yeah im pretty sure MANY OF US here and in the whole world have had a love of their life walk out, have went through so much pain and it takes a LONG time to get someone out of your system if you truly loved them..but why should you live in misery?? again dont think i dont understand...its because i do that i am writing to you because i dont want u to keep going through this...
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Old 14th July 2009, 10:54 PM   #6
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Quote:
Originally Posted by kizik View Post
Many users have wasted their time attempting to help you
I strongly disagree with this.
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Old 14th July 2009, 11:14 PM   #7
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You've been here a month, bro. Go look at her backlog.
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Old 14th July 2009, 11:14 PM   #8
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I would have to agree...

Quote:
Originally Posted by kizik View Post
Sedg,

having been here for over a year, and having seen little to no progress in you, I'm just gonna say it:

you're dwelling in a cesspool of self-pity. You don't care to get over this guy, at all. Many users have wasted their time attempting to help you, but the same sob story comes out of your keyboard every day. Your first reaction is anger at the user who says things like this - so I expect to get some anger from you, too. I don't know what anyone can say to help you, b/c you have not changed your thought patterns, you live in hell BY CHOICE, and you don't listen whenever anyone tries to help you, anyway.

If I recall correctly, you are in counseling. Get a new therapist - you are not making the progress you should. I write to you from a place of patience, but it is limited. Other users know exactly what I'm talking about.

Best of luck.
Come on, Sedg.

Enough is ENOUGH.

LET IT GO.

We have but one life to live and you are wasting precious seconds, days, weeks, months, and now, years for NO REASON.

He is gone. It is over.

We have all lost (or will lose) someone that we love. Loss is a part of life. Not one of us can escape it. Either by death, divorce, or a breakup....we all must learn how to cope when it happens to us.

And it is hard. We know that pain. Those of us who have endured it know that pain. But, we must learn to persevere through it. Even though our relationships may be over, our LIVES aren't.

Pick yourself up and move on.

Once you do, you will find your joy.

(And I say this with patience, also...)
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Last edited by Freedom Now; 14th July 2009 at 11:29 PM..
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Old 15th July 2009, 12:26 AM   #9
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Quote:
Originally Posted by kizik View Post
You've been here a month, bro. Go look at her backlog.
I know, I have. I just don't think anything said to her was time wasted or anything along those lines. I'm sure it helped her out in some way, whether big or small.
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Old 15th July 2009, 12:41 AM   #10
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Two years?! I feel bad for thinking about my ex six months on. Why are you still in love with him after two years? I hope this isn't what fate has in store for me but I have recently accepted that he will always be in my heart somehow.
It's weird the amount of people on here whose ex's get back in contact-I always knew mine wouldn't and would find happiness as my life became worse. I was right. Your ex has won if you NEVER move on , go on a date or meet up with someone. Sometimes the best you can do is to force yourself . unless you want to end up like Miss Haversham covered in cobwebs and missing him decades on.
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Old 15th July 2009, 12:50 AM   #11
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I'm a big fan of celebrating success, and your breakup has been so painful that I would encourage you to do something positive to commemorate:

You've survived 2 years.

You're feeling better than you were 2 years ago, 1 year ago, whatever.

You've been strong enough to maintain strict NC.

You still have a life; an interesting and impressive life.

These are victories.

Find something that will remind you of your survival. Buy something cool that supports one of your passions. Get a piercing, a tattoo, a new silver ring. Do something physically challenging or scary. Plant a tree. Go to a beach and write something positive in the sand. Get a goldfish. Name her Gloria Gaynor.

There are a lot of rituals for letting go. Now's the time for you to look at what remains, and celebrate every bit of that!
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Old 15th July 2009, 1:20 AM   #12
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Ha, PinkToes, I think a goldfish named Gloria Gaynor is EXACTLY what I need.

Again, everyone, thank you for your support. I appreciate it. Yes I am better than I was two years ago, and I hope two years from now I'll be even better. Maybe even dating again!

Kizik, I'm sorry you feel that way! I don't know how you force yourself to get over someone -- if I knew how to let go, I would. I did indeed recently start seeing a new therapist and have been posting updates about that here. I'm sorry you didn't see those, I always appreciate your input! Peace.
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Old 15th July 2009, 1:39 AM   #13
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Quote:
Originally Posted by sedgwick View Post
Ha, PinkToes, I think a goldfish named Gloria Gaynor is EXACTLY what I need.

Again, everyone, thank you for your support. I appreciate it. Yes I am better than I was two years ago, and I hope two years from now I'll be even better. Maybe even dating again!

Kizik, I'm sorry you feel that way! I don't know how you force yourself to get over someone -- if I knew how to let go, I would. I did indeed recently start seeing a new therapist and have been posting updates about that here. I'm sorry you didn't see those, I always appreciate your input! Peace.
SEDG -- I have to agree with Kizik. I find it really sad to read your posts because there's such a strain of hopelessness/fatalism running through them. In many ways you remind me of the user ARIADNE. You both seem stuck in some bizarre fantasy world revolving around the men you lost. It's like you're in a coma and people keep trying to shake you out of it but your eyes won't open. There's an unwillingness to let go and move on. You're incredibly stubborn. Do you see that?

The first step is accepting that HE'S NOT the love of your life, that he's not the one. If you can't accept that, you can't move on. I get the sense you're afraid to believe that, because then you'll have to come to terms with the fact that you lost two years of your life over somebody who wasn't worth it. Let me say it again, you just wasted two precious years of your life because you decided to. Scary, but it's the truth. Look it in the f*&cking face. Stop being so goddamn stubborn, and just accept the harsh reality for what it is: you have singlehandedly made your own life miserable.

Stop saying "if I could move on I would." That's BULL. You can move on, but actions come before emotions. The only way to move on is to push yourself out of your comfort zone, start getting out of your house more and really living. The emotional response will be delayed. At first these actions will seem empty, but eventually your spirits will catch up.

You're not living. You're a dead shell of a person.

For god sakes, woman, have an ounce of courage and open your eyes.

Last edited by shadowplay; 15th July 2009 at 1:50 AM..
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Old 15th July 2009, 9:07 AM   #14
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Quote:
Originally Posted by kizik View Post
Sedg,

having been here for over a year, and having seen little to no progress in you, I'm just gonna say it:

you're dwelling in a cesspool of self-pity. You don't care to get over this guy, at all. Many users have wasted their time attempting to help you, but the same sob story comes out of your keyboard every day. Your first reaction is anger at the user who says things like this - so I expect to get some anger from you, too. I don't know what anyone can say to help you, b/c you have not changed your thought patterns, you live in hell BY CHOICE, and you don't listen whenever anyone tries to help you, anyway.

If I recall correctly, you are in counseling. Get a new therapist - you are not making the progress you should. I write to you from a place of patience, but it is limited. Other users know exactly what I'm talking about.

Best of luck.
I have to agree... it's been a looooong time since i been here, but i do check back now and again to see if there's still anyone around i remember.
I can't believe you're still here (both of you )

Sedgewick:
I have no idea why you can't let go of this - 2 years is a long time, and a huge part of your life you have more or less thrown away. I don't think there is anything anyone can say or do to help you really... it's almost like you don't want to give this up - perhaps because the pain/heartache is really all you have left of him? No matter how much it hurts i think you still see it as a connection to him - do you find yourself talking to people about him just because it's a way of holding on? You seem to like reminding yourself. By filling your life with other things (and i know you have) with time the pain and the memories of this person do fade away.. and yes that hurts that you are losing them and letting go - but it's how you heal. The conversations you had or the things you did that are so vivid - one day you try and remember them and you forget the date, what they were wearing, the spng that was playing or whatever little details that were so vivid in your mind. They go.

Anyways, i'm not putting you down - we all know these things are seriously tough to get through... but it can be done - you two are the only names i remember from here (does anyone remember XYZ ? That guy made me laugh )- the rest have moved on it would seem - i really hope you can!
Good luck... i'll check back in another couple of months and i hope (neither !) of you are here.
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Old 15th July 2009, 10:02 AM   #15
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You're not living. You're a dead shell of a person.
I'm sorry you feel that way! I feel as though I'm doing a lot of really fun and exciting stuff. I just can't seem to stop thinking about this person.

I'm getting so much "get over it," and no real advice on how to do so. It's sort of like when I had an eating disorder and I'd be told to "just eat." I'd love it if it were that simple! Any concrete suggestions as opposed to "tough love" would be greatly appreciated. Thank you!
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