I feel out of control

[Biggie25x]

I have posted on here and most people know my story. If you would like to know more about it let me know or you can find it on the separation and divorce board

 

I have been apart from the STBX for a little over a month and my life seems to be spinning more and more out of control. It seems like everyday it gets worse.

 

I can't talk to friends or family because no one really understands what's happening to me and why I am not moving on.

 

I feel broken inside and nothing I am doing seems to fix it. I feel like I am working at less than whole and that I can't find all of the emotions that I should have. I went out on a few dates and it was just weird. It was like I just couldn't process anything.

 

I seem to be finding it hard to find a place where I "fit" without her. My divorce will be final sometime next week.

 

I guess I just don't know how to process this. My life doesn't seem to be my own anymore and I feel empty inside. I don't relate to people well anymore or anything. It's like I am numb and I just want to hide from my emotions because if they don't they will overwhelm me.

 

Please help.

[BW007]

Keep going. That is the only choice. Try to believe good stuff can happen for you.( I am trying to convince myself too)

My social context is blown out of the water and noone really gets how destructive this has been for me too, so I sympathize completely. Keep going, that is all there is to do.

[Ronni_W]

I seem to be finding it hard to find a place where I "fit"

Biggie,

The identity crisis is real..."Who am I NOW?" type of thoughts and feelings. It can help to recall the topics and activities that you were passionate about when you were just starting your adult life. Sometimes we bury those desires (for whatever reasons) but they are still quite accessible when we go looking, and can help to inspire and motivate.

 

A couple of books which may be worthwhile to check out: 'Rebuilding: When Your Relationship Ends' by Fisher & Alberti; and 'Spiritual Divorce' by Debbie Ford. I'm sure there are others, of course.

You may also want to consider joining a local divorce support group and/or consulting with an individual therapist who specializes in divorce/loss/grief. Stress management classes will also add to your arsenal of healthy coping skills.

 

Hugs, and best of luck.

[Biggie25x]

Thanks for the advice. It helps.

 

Part of the problem is that I haven't lived her for a long time and that I never really lived by myself before I met my STBX. Well I did but all I was interested in was partying and I don't want to do that again.

 

You are right though, it seems like I have lost my identity and I have and empty place inside that used to contain her. I just can't figure out how to fill that space.

 

It's like I am loosing control of things and that it's all spinning out of control. I go through my day with very little emotion and I am just numb inside going through the motions.

 

I don't know. Maybe it will get better with time?

[Ronni_W]

Yes, it does get better with time but that fact does nothing to make 'now' any easier to take...so I try not to say it . More important, though, is that how much better it gets ultimately depends on what you do with the time.

 

The emotional numbness is your psyche's way of protecting itself in the short-term. Your awareness of it is actually a good sign...it's an indicator that you've already had an internal shift (tiny as it may have been.)

 

When I was going through it, I actually just made a decision to be happy. I fought for it every day; sometimes felt like 89 thousand times a day. I was ALSO confused and floundering and "WTF has become of my life?" One gets used to the inner conflict, and eventually "happy" won out over the crap.

 

It sucks. I'm sorry you're going through it.

[Biggie25x]

I keep reminding myself to be happy but I can't seem to find it within myself. Even when I am doing things I should be happy doing something seems to be missing.

 

I try to remind myself to be happy but it's just gone within me. I try to regain my happiness but I am just numb inside.

 

Thanks for posting and trying to help me it just seems like it is really hitting me that I am not married anymore. That she will no longer be in my life anymore. Even though it was not great when we were together I enjoyed being married. I enjoyed sharing my life with someone, even if it wasn't healthy for me at the time.

 

I am scared of the future and of being alone for the rest of my life. I tell myself that I need to heel and I will find someone else but it seems to be hard to convince myself of that and it works sometimes and doesn't work other times.

 

I am so hurt I just have numbed myself from it. I feel my life spinning out of control with no direction and can't figure out how to get it back.

 

Thanks for listening and the advice.

[Ronni_W]

Keep posting...it does help to "release the words from your brain," so to speak.

 

Have you gotten in touch with your anger yet? Cos that is another emotion that will want to express its' opinions and feelings -- do it in sane and safe ways, and all will be well (as far as the anger release part of things.)

 

I would also suggest to be kind to yourself. It's only been about 5 weeks, so it makes more sense that nothing is making any sense right now -- it is a hugely traumatic life and lifestyle change, and it will take a while to adjust and get used to this new reality.

 

Sending Comfort and Guidance.

[Biggie25x]

Thanks Ronni, your kindness helps me realize that there are kind people out there

 

I hear from people that they have anger towards their ex-spouse but I just haven't really felt any yet. I mean I get little feelings every now and than but for the most part I am either numb or just intensely sad and empty inside.

 

Maybe I am just burying my anger and it's there or maybe I'm afraid of letting it out. I don't know. Maybe it's one of those things that will come up behind me and just kick my rear. But for now all I am is empty and sad

 

It just feels out of control. I know I can't let myself wallow in pity but I also need time to grieve. It seems hard to tell that to friends and family. They see me all good on the outside and don't realize what's happening to me on the inside. I am just intensely private and don't normally let people know the pain I am in. I tend to pretend I have no emotions. They see this and think I am okay when I am anything but.

 

I don't really have anyone to talk to about this stuff and that's why it's great to have a resource like this where I can open up a little without feeling like less of a man. Thank you.

[Ronni_W]

Not really anger directed at your spouse. More just anger at the situation in general -- that your dreams have been stolen and your best-laid plans made useless. Anger that YOU are powerless and helpless to change the situation. That's more what I was talking about than being pissed at your ex -- that would just be a big waste of energy and effort, IMO.

 

It is too true that many, many people are afraid of their angry feelings. The theory goes that it's because, in general, we equate anger with violence and we think that we will "lose control" of our angry feelings and do God-knows-what.

But healthy anger release is possible and, as far as I'm concerned, is a necessary life skill.

 

friends and family. They see me all good on the outside and don't realize what's happening to me on the inside.

I know that needing emotional support is seen as a "girl thing". But you now have the solid evidence that sometimes it is a "boy thing", too, so why not just accept your OWN evidence and ask for what you need? (I don't get that part about men, to be honest.)

 

The other part is that your reluctance to be open and honest about your feelings and what you're going through means that the people who care about you the most are powerless and helpless to give you the love, understanding, comfort, hugs and listening ears that they no doubt would appreciate the opportunity to give you.

 

They're treating you as if they think you're okay because that is what YOU are pretending -- they are following your lead, which is the appropriate thing for them to do. You are feeling more isolated and less supported than necessary because of decisions and choices that YOU are making.

 

You can invite a friend or two to meet you for a coffee/beer and you guys can still talk about the NHL, NBA NFL, UFC, MLB and boobs -- it doesn't have to become a whole soul-baring, tear-jerker of a get-together. You can self-manage what you tell people so that YOU stay in control.

 

In any case, I strongly suspect that you'll be pleasantly surprised at the types and sources of support that you will receive, once you give people permission to support you. (That's how it was for me. Even though I am a girl, I also tried to "play strong" for far too long. In hindsight, was just a REALLY silly-girl thing to do.)

No need or reason for YOU to also do a silly-girl thing...is there?

[Biggie25x]

LoL. Your post made me smile and I needed that more than you know.

 

I read your post on anger and I am not really angry yet about the loss of the dreams I had for us and our life together. I am just sad about it. I am powerless to stop it and it makes me sad that the person I loved more than anything in life did this to us. It is a depressing thought.

 

I have trouble leaning on people. I am used to being the rock of my life and of others lives. Of always being there for them, for being the person they look to in times of trial. I don't know if I know how to be something other than that and I'm afraid of what they will think of me if they know.

 

I know it's silly but all I have left is being my own rock. I don't want to trouble them with stupid feelings that they will never understand or know about. I don't really know how to express my feelings to them because I have never had to really do that.

 

I don't think either one is a girl thing but I do know that none of my friends would have any idea what I am talking about if I mentioned it to them. Maybe with my family but doubtful there too. I have tried bringing it up a few times and it has reaffirmed that to me. They just don't get it. They look at me like I am crazy when I bring up some of the emotions that I am feeling, like I am less of a person for letting myself feel the way I do. Even though it was bad I loved that woman and spent 12 years of my life with her. Not having her there is almost like she has died. They think this is strange too. That I should just be able to flip a switch and get on with my life.

 

I know it will be alright with time, you're right there, it's just the path to get there that is the hard part. It's the fire that you have to walk through it's just finding the path through with the fewest burns that is the hard part.

 

I don't know what I'd do without this place. Thank you again for taking the time to respond.

[Ronni_W]

I know it's silly but all I have left is being my own rock.

No, it doesn't sound silly to me. I'd respectfully suggest, though, that it is only what you perceive is all you have left, and our perceptions are subject to errors and distortions.

 

Just cos your 'peeps' don't understand your feelings doesn't make your feelings "stupid" and the better news about that is that emotional fluency is a skill...you CAN learn how to express your feelings in open, clear, kind ways.

 

I know what you mean about people who haven't been through it just not getting it. When I went through my own divorce is when I realized that I had not supported my friend very well, when she went through hers years before.

 

Maybe they do think you are crazy, or maybe that look that you see on their faces is just that they don't know how to help you...maybe they are feeling somewhat useless and inadequate, just about a very different thing?

I can't imagine that they are really seeing you as "less of a person" just because of the feelings that you are experiencing -- is it possible that it's just that THEY are as under-educated as you say you are, when it comes to dealing with and expressing emotions, is all?

 

That I should just be able to flip a switch and get on with my life.

Well, if they are emotionally illiterate, then that would make them more comfortable, is my guess. But you could ask them where to find that switch...then post the details and be hailed the 'Hero of the Century' here at LS!

 

it's just finding the path through with the fewest burns that is the hard part.

Screwitt, I say -- why make things harder on yourself than necessary? Just resolve that it is hell and you are gonna get burned just as bad as the "good" books tell us. (Nah, I don't really believe in christian/biblical hell...but I do believe that divorce may well be as close as we could get to experiencing it, if it did exist. If that makes sense? )

 

It certainly does help to (try to) maintain a sense of humour -- maybe you could sign up for a 'joke a day' email service? That is, do whatever you gotta do to make the many, many burns not burn as bad.

 

And LS is an excellent salve too, as you say. Also feel free to PM me, if/when that might be helpful.

 

BIG hugs.

[PinkToes]

I think Ronnie's advice is spot on, and I can't really add anything. Maybe just a reminder that this is also the time to be exceedingly gentle with yourself. What you're going through is huge, and new. And at the end of every day, when you crawl into bed, please give yourself credit for surviving.... just getting through a few more hours.

 

And don't expect too much of yourself right now. There will be a time -- an hour here or there -- when you feel you can conquer a particular emotion or fear. That will come in time. You don't need to force that on yourself yet.

 

The pain is deep and raw, and I know the frustration of feeling like nothing you do seems to help. But that's OK too; just keep going. Think about how you would treat a sick child, and don't expect any more of yourself than that. Keep breathing, fall back on the most basic comforts you can think of. How long has it been since you built a model airplane? Do they even have model airplanes? Maybe you could build a real one. :-)

 

I know it's hard, I really do. Just know that you're getting there a little at a time, even when you feel stuck. Tomorrow is one day closer to finding yourself again. Take care.