NC question for those with kids

[stillshocked]

Trying to limit contact with ex to help "move on". My daughters birthday is coming up and I have been invited to ex's new place for dinner. My daughter will be 9.

 

I am torn whether I should attend. I want to be there for my daughter, but don't feel comfortable being around my ex, especially in her house, given everything that has happened.

 

I will be planning a family party for her the following weekend, as her grandparents, etc will want to be there. I am thinking I should just maybe leave it at that?

 

I think I need to limit contact as much as possible to heal but don't want to hurt my daughter or come across as "weak" to my ex if I am not strong enough to attend.

 

Anyone have some advice?

[Excellent]

It's a tough one with kids involved. But i would go, don't expect a 9-year old to fully understand what you are going through. I would try to put my best smile on and go there for your kid, and keep the contact with your ex formal and minimal.

 

I don't have kids, so i could only guess. But thats my advice anyway.

[Intricategirl]

Go. It's your daughter. Go, be brave, and curl up in the fetal position once you get home. But your daughter will NOT understand you missing her birthday, even if you have another party later.

[badbrit]

You have to go man. I have more experience of this than I would like and so speak with a sad authority. I have two daughters aged 13 and 11 and have been divorced from their mother for six years (luckily zero bitterness there, she is probably my best friend in life and always has been, we were just not a good husband and wife) and I also have a three year with an ex I am not healed from and been split with for a year.

 

I have to see my ex who I am not healed from about 3/4 times a week due to our son and as we live in a small town see her normally another couple times, in the pub etc and it is HARD. I would probably heal easier from her if I never saw her again but I love my boy more I can describe and so do not have that option.

 

We are adults and have to learn to control our emotions even if we cannot heal them at the moment.

 

Our children do not right now understand the depth of this emotion you are experiencing, heck a lot of adults dont either. The only ones that do are those that have loved (totally and completely) and lost. So the child does not understand how much daddy is hurting that prevented him from being with her.

 

Go, be polite to the ex, play no games, dont say anything stupid, dont get all teary, dont confuse any potential closeness with the ex as having meaning as it wont and will just be emotion of the birthday and memories. Go, be strong, be your normal self, enjoy and leave and go home and kick crap outta the furniture if you have pent up emotion

[Bleeve]

Agreed - go for your daughter.

You can do it and be strong knowing it is just for her.

[blind_otter]

You have to go for your daughter. Regardless of what has happened between you, you are still a family - a modern, strange family indeed, but a unit that must learn to function still in these new and less pleasant circumstances. Your daughter still needs that. And you know, once you have a child - it's all about them, for the time being. Good luck. I wish you well.

[stillshocked]

Thanks for the replies. I agree and will be going. I talked to my daughter last night and she told that she does want me there. I am still going to have a separate party on the weekend for my extended family though.

 

Is the anger, hurt, every going to go away?

 

I mean I know that I need to put my feelings aside and be a Dad for the kids, which means being pleasant to the ex.

 

But for those of you with kids, do you get to a point where it gets easy and is no longer a struggle dealing with your kids because your ex is attached?