LoveShack.org Community Forums

Reload this Page LoveShack.org Community Forums > Breaking Up, Reconciliation & Coping > Coping

What to do?


Coping Learning to deal with one's emotions and loss.

 
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 6th August 2002, 11:34 AM   #1
Bridget E
Guest
 
Posts: n/a
What to do?

I'm living with a guy. Didn't really have anywhere to go, and he's a good guy, I liked him, he liked me, so I moved in.
Problem is, I don't love him like I loved my ex boyfriend. I've never loved anyone as completely as I did my ex boyfriend, and this relationship didn't end very long ago. Is it possible that the longer I live with this guy, the feelings will get as strong? I care about the guy I'm with right now quite a bit. But I am still deeply in love with my ex boyfriend. He wasn't as good to me as my current boyfriend, but I completely loved my ex boyfriend with my entire being. Never loved anyone as much as I loved him. I'm just stuck. Can someone help me?
  Reply With Quote
Old 6th August 2002, 12:09 PM   #2
Established Member
 
quankanne's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2000
Location: texas
Posts: 14,349
rebound boyfriend

why are you wasting your time with the guy you're living with? Or rather, why are you wasting HIS time if you don't feel you love him as strongly as you did your ex? If your feelings for your ex are still important with you, you need to get out of this rebound relationship FAST and work through our feelings. Right now, everyone loses in this scenario -- both you and the guy you're living with.

it's possible that you could develop deeper feelings for him, but until you resolve your past relationship, you really aren't playing fair right now. As far as being "stuck," I think you know what you need to do but refuse to consider it because you don't want to be alone.
quankanne is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 6th August 2002, 12:57 PM   #3
jimthzz
Guest
 
Posts: n/a
did you move in because the rent was cheap?

maybe you don't love him at all but he pays the rent?
  Reply With Quote
Old 6th August 2002, 1:51 PM   #4
Bridget E
Guest
 
Posts: n/a
I dont know

I moved in with him for several reasons. I guess the big reason was because I thought submerging myself in a relationship would make me forget how much I loved my ex boyfriend, and that if I got away from my ex boyfriend I'd forget about him and stuff. It sounds pathetic and stupid, and it is. I wanted to get out of my current stressful living situation, and this seemed to be the answer. But now, I can't go back to the other place, and this situation is pretty stressful, and I have no where to go. I don't know what to do.
  Reply With Quote
Old 6th August 2002, 1:52 PM   #5
jimthzz
Guest
 
Posts: n/a
do you have a job?

if you do, save your money and use it to move out with.

if you can't wait, go home to your parents.

Then save the money and move into a place of your own.
  Reply With Quote
Old 6th August 2002, 1:58 PM   #6
Bridget E
Guest
 
Posts: n/a
that's it...

I just moved out of my parent's house and promised them I wouldn't ask them to take me back if this didn't work.
  Reply With Quote
Old 6th August 2002, 2:44 PM   #7
jimthzz
Guest
 
Posts: n/a
the prodigal daughter

how old are you anyway?

I think if you returned very humbled by your experience you have a shot at returning home for some specific period of time.

Are you working? In school? what?
  Reply With Quote
Old 6th August 2002, 2:55 PM   #8
Bridget E
Guest
 
Posts: n/a
I'm 23. I just moved out of there after doing the humble thing. I couldn't make it on my own because of some finical problems I had, and they agreed for me to stay for 6 months. But it was a hard 6 months, so when I moved out this last time, I think they were kinda glad.
  Reply With Quote
Old 6th August 2002, 3:24 PM   #9
jimthzz
Guest
 
Posts: n/a
then bite the bullet

I presume you have no job since you don't respond.

So here is what yo do:

1. Get a job, one that will pay enough for you to live somewhere.

2. Save enough to move out on. this will mean first and last month's rent. Night consider renting a room in someone's house.

3. Move.

You don't have to ask this guy's permission, you don't ave to exlain why, just move.

Of course, you can explain why, but I wouldn't bother doing that until after i were all set up if you really do not love this guy.
  Reply With Quote
Old 9th August 2002, 1:05 AM   #10
justagirl
Guest
 
Posts: n/a
every heard of getting a job?

You sound like a user. YOu're just using your current guy to give you a free place to live, you used him to get over your ex. Why don't you got off your butt, get a job, get 2 if you have to and be an adult and support yourself instead of leeching off of others. how would you like it if someone used you like this? jeez.
  Reply With Quote
Old 9th August 2002, 4:56 PM   #11
Established Member
 
midori's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2001
Posts: 2,878
take responsibility for your own life

You're not doing right by your current boyfriend, and you're not doing yourself any favors either. You're an adult, and you need to be able to make your own way in the world. Sponging off your boyfriend is irresponsible, and the longer you let it go on, the more dire your situation will become. Don't you think that sooner or later your current boyfriend will begin to realize that you don't return his feelings? And then what do you think will happen?

As people have already suggested, it sounds like you're currently unemployed. Change that immediately, even if it means taking a job that you don't like and/or doesn't seem very promising. Even if it's a minimum wage job at McDonald's. If that's all you can get, that's what you'll have. With whatever wages you earn, find a place to live. Don't think about getting a place on your own if you have no money; you need to find a shared place where you can live as a tenant who pays her share of the rent. Might mean you have to live with strangers (not the end of the world, I did it and it was just fine. There are lots of websites that, for a relatively small one-time fee, will put you in touch with people looking for a roommate). You're not entitled to a nice, comfortable place to live free of charge.

As for your current boyfriend, I think you must tell him upfront that you're planning on finding job, any job for the time being, and getting a place of your own. It doesn't mean that you have to end your relationship with him right now, but tell him you've realized that you need to be an independent person who isn't relying on other people to provide for her basic needs. It sounds to me like you've been very complacent about your responsibilities to yourself. You were living with your parents, in what was meant to be a temporary situation, so why didn't you take care of things so that you'd be able to move out within the expected period of time? Were you waiting for the "right" job to come along? When you're unemployed and depending on other people for food and shelter, the "right" job is any job that will end your reliance on others. Once you're self-sufficient you can worry about finding a job more in line with what you want.

Be realistic about when you're going to move out (don't tell him "right away" unless it really is going to be right away), but be fair to him. I don't think it should take you more than a month to get out. Worst case scenario: line up places to stay for five days to a week at a time, with different friends, family members, etc. Don't wear out your welcome anywhere. You might have to move a few times in the coming months before you'll find a place that will satisfy you long-term. But why should that be his problem? You are, in effect, asking him to put his emotional life on hold until such time comes along that you have the means to move out. Why on earth would you think that's fair? Not only are you keeping his personal life in limbo (when he could be meeting someone who is emotionally available, which you are not), you are actually deceiving him. He thinks he's in a loving relationship!

I don't say all of this thinking that you're a bad person. It sounds to me like you have been complacent, waiting for other people to step in and solve your immediate problems. It's good that you're questioning what you're doing right now. It's impossible to say, but you might find that, once you move out and become self-sufficient, you do care for your current bf after all. Maybe it's too difficult for you to have your love life enmeshed with your living situation. Time to grow up and set out on your own. You'll end up knowing yourself and your own heart much better that way.

Start today.
midori is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 10th August 2002, 11:38 AM   #12
Bridget E
Guest
 
Posts: n/a
Sorry for the confusion

I do have a job. A good job. In fact leaving my current boyfriend will actually hurt HIM financially. But I do not love him. And have left. He will not stop calling or giving up on the fact that we are over. Its hard, but I can not be with him. I just hate seeing men cry.
  Reply With Quote
Old 10th August 2002, 7:24 PM   #13
Established Member
 
Bill's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2001
Location: Diagonally parked in a parallel universe
Posts: 1,105
Quote:
I care about the guy I'm with right now quite a bit.
^ From first post.

Quote:
In fact leaving my current boyfriend will actually hurt HIM financially. But I do not love him. And have left.
^ From last post.

I hope you learn from what you've done. If you don't like someone from the start, don't let them falsely fall in love with you.

The truth will set you free.
__________________
Bill using Occam's razor
Bill is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 12th August 2002, 1:45 PM   #14
Bridget E
Guest
 
Posts: n/a
Update.....

Thanks Bill for your response. I have learned a lot from this.

I left my live in boyfriend, and moved back home with my parents. My goal is to save enough money to get a place to live on my own. The guy I just left is really upset and hurt, and he still believes we'll get back together, even when I tell him that we won't.

I've spent this time away from him working on myself and talking to both of them. I stayed the night I left him with my ex boyfriend because I had no where else to go. We slept in the same bed, cuddled, held each other, fooled around a little, but mostly just held each other, he held my hand in his sleep. It felt like home.

I've come to realize that I've hurt both men greatly. We broke up with each other because I found out he was cheating on me, but I was actually cheating on him too, and I told him this several weeks ago.

I've given my ex a lot of space. I try not to call him, and when I do talk to him, it's real upbeat, and I'm trying to show him that I'm a different person now. This has changed me a lot, and I'm reading a book on relationships, and it's really helping me understand our relationship and what lead us to cheat on each other, and what was wrong with our relationship. I adore him, but I'm not in a hurry to be with him again. I want to give ourselves a fresh start and just try to be a really good friend to him.

Last night he wanted me to come over, and I did. We ended up having wild crazy sex. The first time since our break up. He came inside me (which is something he never does) and it was just really passionate and crazy. But he reminded me that we weren't back together, and tried to prove to me that he is the best lover I've ever had (he said this in not so many words). He also referred to my body being his. He has admitted on another occasion admitted that he still loves me. And I know he does, but I guess he's just taking it slow. And that is fine by me, I just don't want to end up getting used in the end. What does this sound like to you?
  Reply With Quote
Old 13th August 2002, 1:05 AM   #15
Established Member
 
midori's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2001
Posts: 2,878
sounds like you're setting yourself up for serious disappointment. You say that you don't mind your ex wanting to take it slowly, but then you say that you don't want to feel used.

So how will you feel if tomorrow your ex emails you and tells you that he's thought about things and has decided that he doesn't want to get back together? Would you feel used? How about if you carry on with him for another month, and THEN he tells you that, upon reflection, he doesn't want to be with you? Would that leave you feeling used?

I once waited patiently for a guy to make up his mind about whether or not he wanted to be with me. Granted, the stakes were higher (marriage) than just whether or not to have a relationship. And there wasn't any betrayal invovled, as there is in your situation. The point is, this kind of thing needs to be discussed. You're not just incubating an egg that will sooner or later hatch into the thing you were hoping it would. You need to be engaged with him in a mutual, dynamic, on-going, open-ended discussion, in which issues are raised, resentments aired, and hopes shared. If your bf isn't capable of talking to you about what he feels, what he fears, etc., then no matter how much time you give him you probably won't get the answer you want. My ex couldn't/wouldn't talk to me (or anyone else) about the things he was wrestling with. I never even got the chance to address some of the things he had problems with, because he never discussed them with me. He just postponed making a decision until it couldn't be postponed any longer. Then he unilaterally decided that the relationship wasn't right and couldn't continue. Needless to say, I was terribly hurt.

If your ex can't talk to you, the person most involved with and affected by his mindset about the relationship, then there's little hope he'll be able to successfully navigate the things that are tripping him up right now. And you need to be able to talk too. You cheated in that relationship just like he did -- what issues led you to that? Have you addressed them? Have you even identified them?

To be honest it doesn't sound hopeful to me. It's impossible to gloss over past hurts and problems. You might keep them at bay for the short term, but they will undoubtedly resurface sooner or later.
midori is offline   Reply With Quote
 

Bookmarks

Thread Tools
Display Modes

 


All times are GMT -4. The time now is 2:11 PM.

Please note: The suggestions and advice offered on this web site are opinions only and are not to be used in the place of professional psychological counseling or medical advice. If you or someone close to you is currently in crisis or in an emergency situation, contact your local law enforcement agency or emergency number.


Copyright © 1997-2018 LoveShack.org. All Rights Reserved.