What have I done?

[polyglot girl]

Hi everyone.

 

Ten years ago, I was a student in St Petersburg Russia. I met a boy there. We were both teenagers. He was a local Russian guy...somehow despite the low level of my Russian, we communicated. It was not a sexual relationship, but intense and powerful nonetheless. I got to know his mom very well too...they took me in almost like a family (they are very close). He and I spent a lot of time sitting on the canal edges, enjoying the white nights, smootching a bit, holding hands and talking (well, me mainly listening).

 

I saw him a few more times over the years when I'd come to St Pete. We exchanged letters too. Finally I learned he was in jail, and then I decided not to contact him anymore. I figured that after being in a Russian jail his spirit would have been broken and I just didn't want to see him like that. (incidentally, he was just waiting for a court date for 3 years, and when he finally went to court they let him free saying he was the wrong guy).

 

Well, I was back in St Pete in 1999, and one of his friends saw me on the street and told him I was in town. The next day, as I was walking past the place where we'd met back in 1992 I heard my name being called out. I turned back...and there he was.

 

He just *knew*, he said, that I'd walk past. He took me to his home and his mom, as usual, cooked us lunch. He was extremely hurt that I had not tried to call him. It was a brief visit, and at the end when I asked "may I take your pic?" he said, "Just remember me the way I was", kissed my cheek, and took off. Like a movie or smth.

 

Now I was back in St Pete last week. I did not keep in touch with him at all since 1999. I still remembered his number, and I called him. His mom was sooooo happy to hear from me. "he's not married, are you? call back in an hour, he just went out for a bit!"

 

We ended up spending 24 hours together. Same stuff...walking, talking, picking up a couple of beers and strolling around the canals holding hands. Both of us commented that it felt like no time had passed at all, that it was perfectly natural for us to be there together...a closeness and a connection I rarely feel with people speaking my own language from my own country...oh! terrible! I can't push him out of my mind now. He doesn't even have a college education and works in some semi-illegal stuff and has scars all over the place from getting in various scuffles.

 

Now I'm home. It's been three days. I am avoiding everyone trying to come to terms with these feelings. Meanwhile the guy I'm seeing (it's only been a couple of months) has asked me to fly home with him and meet his parents. I just wasn't ready to even talk to him (a great guy, a professional with a normal job, but doesn't make my palms sweat and certainly doesn't have me sitting for days staring out a window).

 

I sent my mom the very long version of the Russian guy saga and she called me up (after having a good cry) and was like "call him, write to him...who knows? It sounds like he needs a friend at the very least". Somehow attaching my life to a Russian criminal (admittedly one who says he wants to change) seems to be setting me up for a life of pain. I don't live all that far from him and we talked about visiting again in a couple of months.

 

I don't know what to do...was it a huge mistake to even look him up? I feel like I'm being torn between following my head and my heart.

[Tony T]

1. YOU WRITE: "Somehow attaching my life to a Russian criminal (admittedly one who says he wants to change) seems to be setting me up for a life of pain."

 

I think you are very correct in what you wrote. Though you have an incredible physical and psychological attraction, that will not count for much once the chemistry diminishes. Right now, your thoughts of him are still on a romantic, chemical level. The reality of it is that on a day to day basis, he would be highly incompatible with your lifestyle.

 

You are being very practical for considering these factors.

 

2. YOU WRITE: "I don't know what to do...was it a huge mistake to even look him up? I feel like I'm being torn between following my head and my heart."

 

No, looking him up was a good thing. If you had not done that, you would be thinking about him for the rest of your life and wondering how things would have been. Now that you have seen him and seen how he lives, you can fully understand that his illegal means of making a living is not something you want to expose yourself to and not something you would want to be in the lives of children the two of you might have in the future.

 

Looking him up and discovering this important fact about him will now be a part of your getting over him and forgetting him forever. You have found he is NOT the right person for you, regardless of the feelings you have.

 

However, I really don't think the guy you are with is the one for you either. Ideally, you need to find someone who makes your heart beat quickly, makes your palms sweat, has you sitting by the window gazing out for days and is compatible with you in important ways.

 

Don't waste your time in relationships if you find the important elements are not there.

 

Good luck.

[jimthzz]

the russian gangster guy has that danger thing that a lot of women are attracted to and the other guy is a safe and boring guy guaranteed friday night meal and movie thing is working either.

 

The problem is you are unsatisfied in this life and want an adventure more than a stable relationship.

 

I suggest that you move on from friday night meal and a movie guy, give up the russian ganster guy and figure out what it is you want out of life before enmeshing anymore boyfriends in your life.

 

the movie and a meal guyy deserves a meal and a movie gal, the russian ganster guy deserves some kind of moll who can share in his criminal lifestyle.

 

You? I'm not sure what it is you want, but think on it and look for it.

[polyglot girl]

You know, I never really sat down and thought about what it is that I want from a guy or a relationship. I know more or less what I like and don't like....and I have some vague thoughts about settling down and just being with one person...

But maybe this requires some more concrete thought.

It's true, I do go in for adventures.

 

Hm. Well, thanks.

[Ally Boo]

Originally posted by polyglot girl

It's true, I do go in for adventures.

 

I've been known for being that way too...the problem with that is that you end up getting hurt. Either they won't ever come around....or they will, and you'll get bored because you "won" and you'll hurt them. This is a really dangerous and bad behavior. Please take the time to think about what you want, and if you ever get bored, just remember how bad it feels having like 5 guys with broken hearts that YOU hurt. It sucks...and it's sick...and SO not worth it.

[polyglot girl]

LOL! No, I didn't mean adventures with guys....I meant just adventures in general, referring to what the other post said. I didn't even think that it mean adventures with men. I have a weird life - I moved abroad in my early 20s have lived in four countries. Yes, I do have guys in just about every country...not necessarily boyfriends or ex-boyfriends, just...I dunno. Admirers maybe?

Having said that, I probably have broken a heart or two. But I've had my heart broken a time or two, too.

I really thought, and hoped, I would start to like the "dinner and movie guy" (I like that, an apt description). It's more to it than him being a dinner and movie guy (which is FINE), he's just a bit too stuck in his ways, and lot of his ways are eccentric (to me) and he seems totally oblivious to it. After St. Pete, I just started to realize that this isn't going to work for me.

As for the criminal dude...I hate the fact that he was in jail. I'm not attracted to that at all. I could handle it if he had a normal job that paid crap, even manual labor. But a cheap (and apparently not even very good) criminal? nah.

I guess I actually do know what I like and what I am looking for. It just seems that when I do find them, they don't like me back. Or maybe I have issues with intimacy. I dunno.

[BeReal]

Maybe you just need to find a dinner and a movie guy who also likes adventures.

[Jenny]

You could look at what type of things you like to do in your own life and look more to meet someone who has thoughs interests. I travel abroad my whole life so I know what you are saying. I have dated (whatever) with men from all over the world and it is very exciting. When I am in the states, I tend to date immagrents to this country because they have a more global view of life that I really like. I just don't find American men of interest. I did finally get married though.....He is Canadian and works for Docter's without Borders....so I have the best of both worlds. Anyway, try to look for others that have your sense of adventure and build on that. That see the world in the same framework that you do or that can teach you something about their world. It is a great situation to be in.....Eventually, you may decide you want to settle down in life, but think of all the fun you will have had, places you can visit and exciting way of life. Youth should be enjoyed while you are young. Good luck.

[polyglot girl]

Hi Jenny,

 

Ah, a fellow traveler. Thanks for your message. I guess there's hope for me yet.

 

Yes, I guess I am looking for someone who's lived all over the world yet still has the desire to settle down - or at least move around with a companion. Not easy. At the moment I live in a smallish east european capital and I do have trouble meeting people I find suitable for various reasons (no interest in the locals and the foreign men are often here b/c they are interested in the local women).

 

Anyway, looks like I may be about to move again (after three years here) so we'll see...a much bigger city with a much larger expat community than here...in the meantime I'm about to move on from date and movie guy (once I work up the nerve), and the criminal is someone I'd help (if he asked for it) but am not interested in pursuing.

 

PS no offense to any American guys, they do definitely have their good points...but I know what you mean, Jenny.

[jimthzz]

If what yo want is adventure you definitely have to take a pass on the movie and a meal guys. That might be every friggin' american man you meet outside of the military and foreign service or the airlines.

 

Not only that, eventually, most men want to settle down with a woman who'll stay put, stay faithful, and have a couple kids.

 

The problem you face is that if you go for the endless string of adventure guys all you'll have to talk about can be wrapped up in a half-hour episode of a PBS travel show.

 

Just how deep a relationship can you have discussing yet again that fabulous cove near Split?

 

That movie and a meal guy might not be able to spend the time, one, knowing where that cove near Split is (or Split for that matter) or two, be interested because he's too busy making a living and he's not rich so he needs to work on getting a house, a career, etc.

 

So his free time is limited and he's tired from working. what he needs is a partner who understands that and is ready for the journey of many years, a life.

 

I guess what I'm trying to say is that if you want adventure, stay out of the movie and meal zone and stick withthe adventurists.

 

If you want a stable life and a journey with one person, go with a movie and a meal guy. You might find that type of adventure challenging in a different way.

[poly]

Dear Jimthzz

 

Men who work on airlines are usually gay (at least the airlines I frequent!) so they're kind of out of the question.

 

I want to settle down and all that too, but I want to do it with someone who has common interests and -- especially important for me -- someone who shares my sense of humor. Movie guy and I have some things in common, in that we are both here in this country and are not from here, and both like it here very much. But I don't feel any sort of rush of anticipation at seeing him, and it's only been a couple of months. I want to feel something, and I'm not right now.

 

Maybe I'm scared of intimacy; I don't know. This is something I've been struggling with for the past couple of months. But for the time being, I'm going to have to let this guy go so that he can find his dinner and movie girl...anyhow, if it were with the right guy, I'd be delighted to go to a dinner and movie every night...I guess he's just not it...

 

I have no problem with being faithful, and I've had a couple of fulfilling longterm relationships (that ended, sadly, because the other decided to pursue a career in a different country...). Such is this lifestyle. Or...maybe I'm the problem. Sigh.

[jimthzz]

Hmmm, you may be onto something here.

 

Do you think it possible that the travel, the moving from country to country is a way to avoid true intimacy?

 

I have a brother who went into the marines out of high school, then worked at various club meds after that. So he spent a good 15 years in a very exotic way by my standards.

 

But once he was done with all that he hasn't found a woman for the long haul.

 

He's 46 now and alone. And to be honest, the best of his looks are behind him now too.

 

So the dashing exotic thing doesn't work like it used to work.

 

And most of the movie and a meal gals are taken.

 

He isn't rich enough for the adventure gals since he can't afford the constant stimulation of travel to Bulgaria, Botswana, and Brazil.

 

I sure envied him in my 20s, less so in my 30s , and not at all now in my 40s.

 

Just a little food for thought.