I am vulnerable to him and he's back...

[D-Lish]

I suspect that all of us has a person or two from our past that resinates with us, who is hard to shake from your brain even after a considerable amount of time has passed.

 

I have one of those guys. Everything about us has been instense.

He's not a relationship guy (too young). But the chemistry makes it hard to resist him.

 

I met him about a year ago this time- and we dated intensely until x-mas... then things fell apart. Since then, he has come in and out of my life on more than a few occasions. The last time being July. He came crawling back and in a moment of weakness- he came by and stayed over. Then we left it at that.

 

This morning I got an e-mail from him- out of the blue. Another sappy "I miss you" (translate: let's have a few weeks of intense sex).

 

I was actually feeling pretty good about things lately- and his e-mail set me back again. I still think about him all the time, but I just resist any urges to reach out.

 

Now- I don't want to go back there with him again. Everytime it happens I get hurt. I am vulnerable where he is concerned- even though I pretend I am not.

 

So I am ignoring for the time. I know him well enough to know he will persist though.

 

Tactics for staying strong?

It's not a debate over his character... the fact that he's a jerk is just plain true. That is why I want to avoid all of this.

 

I ditched my facebook lately (too much drama)- and I have a new e-mail since we last got together. so he e-mailed me on the dating site... and he has my cell number as well.

 

I just don't want to go there- but I hate how the contact has me feeling slightly upset and messed up again.

 

Tactics to stay strong?

[shadowplay]

I am in a similar situation, although the wound of the break is fresher. I don't have any answers, but I hope this thread receives more replies.

[lofi_tokyo]

Walk away from the computer a bit, or if thats not possible, walk away from all the things he uses to contact you?

 

That what I've had to do - which at first sucked because... I felt I was running from him. However, the forms of contact he was sharing with me were things that have kind of set me free anyways (ex. AIM, which I have no one I particularly need to talk to on that I couldn't call) and things like that.

 

It sucks you had to quit your Facebook due to drama - I personally like the sit just for organizing my social life, but you do what you need to do.

 

I'm sure if you just... spend less time on the computer, or at the very least, just use the internet to check up on LS, and other sites you frequent that don't have him on, then you'll be okay. And... maybe you'll find more time to do other things like... go on pretty walks or something? I really don't know ;p

[sumdude]

Tactics for staying strong?

It's not a debate over his character... the fact that he's a jerk is just plain true. That is why I want to avoid all of this.

 

You already know the answer.. unless of course you want some intense sex for a while right now and can let it go ...

[D-Lish]

You already know the answer.. unless of course you want some intense sex for a while right now and can let it go ...

 

I don't think I can handle the drama associated with getting involved with him in any way shape or form- so being aware of that, I would rather just not go there in the first place.

 

He does have my cell number- so he can always bother me through that method. I can't change that number because I have it on all of my resumes at the moment.

 

I know I can use restraint and not see him... but just recieving the messages messes with me and sets me back.

 

I know how toxic being entangled with him is to me. That's why I won't see him. I've just been so full of anxiety since I got the mail message.

 

It's funny- I just met someone new and want to get to know him better- or at least I did until this morning. Now I am back to thinking about toxic guy.

 

I hate it when someone has that effect on you. I suppose I should worry about what I can control in this- and that's ignoring him and not giving in.

He has been cycling in and out of my life for a bout a year now- about every 2-3 months he returns and stirs up things.

 

Telling him to leave me alone, ignoring him don't work. I've even gone so far as to tell him to f-off and let me be... but he persists regardless.

 

uggh. At least I have moved and he doesn't know where I am living now, so he can't just show up at my place. Because seeing him makes it even harder.

[jerbear]

Tactics to stay strong?

Setup a spam filter for his email.

Setup his profile on the dating site as spam

Block his cell #

Have a friend screen phone calls and voicemail

Ditch the phone

Ditch the phone #

plus more

[Yamaha]

He came crawling back and in a moment of weakness- he came by and stayed over. Then we left it at that.

 

This morning I got an e-mail from him- out of the blue. Another sappy "I miss you" (translate: let's have a few weeks of intense sex).

 

My God, how old are you? You know what he's after and yet you have no self control or respect for yourself to say NO. If you get hurt that is your fault because you should know to block him from your phone and from your life.

Yes. Blame it all on chemistry......

[SushiX]

Tell him you have a new bf and in love. Usually when a girl tells me this I'm out for good.

[Chinook]

D, I think to be truthful, Yamaha kinda has it straight (albeit worded a little harshly). I think what you have to understand is, that 'resonance' isn't really a resonance which is working correctly with you... if it were, you guys would be together and all would be good. As it is, things are cyclical and you already know he isn't what you want or need. So knowing that... you simply have to switch yourself off to him. Unfortunately, the only way to do that is to not have any contact with him at all. If I were you, I'd reply to him and lay it out exactly as it is, you don't think he's good for you and you'd rather he stopped contacting you completely (someone says that to me, I don't tend to go against their wishes). Don't enter into a conversation about it, just explain this is what you want and need to move on. Then block all avenues of contact. As for having your cell number... so what..?! Just switch your phone to voicemail for a while, and ignore any sms messages. How does he know the phone number hasn't changed if you dont reply..? He doesn't. Soon as you reply, he'll know. Just get through the initial phase of contact and once he knows you ain't playing along any longer, he'll give up.

[D-Lish]

My God, how old are you? You know what he's after and yet you have no self control or respect for yourself to say NO. If you get hurt that is your fault because you should know to block him from your phone and from your life.

Yes. Blame it all on chemistry......

 

Hey- Mr. Perfect, Did I not say I am not going back there? I think that's exactly what I said. I don't want to go back there. I am using restraint.

 

And WTF does age have to do with the capability of another person to affect you. I have walked away from many guys with chemistry because they were wrong for me.

 

DO you know how to block someone from a cell phone?

I have asked both my carrier and this question on LS before and it doesn't seem possible.

 

Save your criticism please- This thread is not about me going back to him. It's about asking for some support about how people stay strong when you are feeling vulnerable.

 

It's great if nothing makes you feel vulnerable- whether you're 12 or 80.

 

So I am in my 30's and shouldn't let anything or anyone affect me?

 

All you needed to say was "try blocking him from your phone"... the other stuff was just being rude. Being vulnerable has nothing to do with anyone's age or experience.

[D-Lish]

D, I think to be truthful, Yamaha kinda has it straight (albeit worded a little harshly). I think what you have to understand is, that 'resonance' isn't really a resonance which is working correctly with you... if it were, you guys would be together and all would be good. As it is, things are cyclical and you already know he isn't what you want or need. So knowing that... you simply have to switch yourself off to him. Unfortunately, the only way to do that is to not have any contact with him at all. If I were you, I'd reply to him and lay it out exactly as it is, you don't think he's good for you and you'd rather he stopped contacting you completely (someone says that to me, I don't tend to go against their wishes). Don't enter into a conversation about it, just explain this is what you want and need to move on. Then block all avenues of contact. As for having your cell number... so what..?! Just switch your phone to voicemail for a while, and ignore any sms messages. How does he know the phone number hasn't changed if you dont reply..? He doesn't. Soon as you reply, he'll know. Just get through the initial phase of contact and once he knows you ain't playing along any longer, he'll give up.

 

Well, as I said- I have no intention of resuming anything. By my own words, this person is toxic to me. I don't want to see him again or start up anything again.

 

There is no question this guy is bad news- there is no question about the viability of any relationship with him. It's the affecting me part I want to be rid of.

 

I haven't texted back, deleted my facebook, have a new e-mail address he hoesn't know... and I blocked him from talking to my on the dating site he sent me the message on.

 

As expected, he sent me a text to say "hey, I sent u something on POF"...

I have not responded. Despite what Yamarude has said- it's not a question of not being able to restrain myself.

 

He has also been deleted and blocked from my msn for months.

SO- I am taking the measures. And Chinook- I do agree that just not answering the texts may have him wondering if my number has changed.

 

It's just one of those things when you really want to get over someone and they make contact with you. It brings back feelings of pain I want to be done and over with. I still think about him regardless of knowing he is not my soulmate. He somehow found a place in my heart that not many do.

 

There will be no reconciliation- there will be no ONS, there will be no answer from me. I am more caught up in how his e-mail made me feel vulnerable again.

 

That is my issue with Y's approach to advice... that age has anything to do with having feelings. We can't control our feelings, but we can control our behaviour. Controlling my behaviour isn't an issue in this situation. dealing with the vulnerability is.

 

The last two times he has come back... I have eventually crumbled after pressure. That's not an option now.

 

So- the only avenue he has currently is my cell.

But even seeing his number on my phone does hit me.

 

If anyone knows how to block a number from a cell - I'd be happy to know how. I called rogers the last time he did this and they said I could not block.

[jerbear]

If anyone knows how to block a number from a cell - I'd be happy to know how. I called rogers the last time he did this and they said I could not block.

This idea just came to me. Some phones have the ability to have custom rings. Set his ring to be silence.

[sumdude]

No real tactics to staying strong. You know that you don't really want contact with him, ignore him when he contacts you, accept and go through the wave of emotions it brings up and keep movin' on. Just read your last post to find the attitude you alrerady have within you to handle it.

[Chinook]

It's just one of those things when you really want to get over someone and they make contact with you. It brings back feelings of pain I want to be done and over with. I still think about him regardless of knowing he is not my soulmate. He somehow found a place in my heart that not many do.

Yea, I know that feeling. Unfortunately though hon, you can't switch that feeling off. That feeling about someone is part of who you are. It's part of your feelings. But there will come a day when it feels less intense - trust me. I'm in the same situ with one guy from my past who periodically contacts me from four years ago. Now, I just ignore him but his contacting me, still brings the occasional pang of pain. But what's different now is that it's less intense and what used to last for weeks at one time, is now only a few hours.

 

There will be no reconciliation- there will be no ONS, there will be no answer from me. I am more caught up in how his e-mail made me feel vulnerable again.

 

That is my issue with Y's approach to advice... that age has anything to do with having feelings. We can't control our feelings, but we can control our behaviour. Controlling my behaviour isn't an issue in this situation. dealing with the vulnerability is.

 

The last two times he has come back... I have eventually crumbled after pressure. That's not an option now.

Okay so you already know that you can't afford to crumble this time... although I know that's pretty hard to do. I myself crumble with toxic-guy every single time. No matter what a dog I tell myself he is. For some reason he knows how to push the buttons. But like I said, for some reason also, it doesn't affect me as deeply now. I guess it's a cliche but all I can say is it gets better with time.

 

So- the only avenue he has currently is my cell.

But even seeing his number on my phone does hit me.

 

If anyone knows how to block a number from a cell - I'd be happy to know how. I called rogers the last time he did this and they said I could not block.

I think if your phone company can't block it, there should be a feature on your phone or an add-on the company can give you not to accept calls from certain numbers. But that doesn't include text messages. Alternatively you could actually give him a new number - maybe do it in one of those round-robin BCC emails. Let him think you have a new number and never use it. That could be worth a try. If he thinks you have a new number - he's going to be pretty sure that your old one doesn't work... and you can be fairly confident he won't use it.

[lofi_tokyo]

No real tactics to staying strong. You know that you don't really want contact with him, ignore him when he contacts you, accept and go through the wave of emotions it brings up and keep movin' on. Just read your last post to find the attitude you alrerady have within you to handle it.

 

Well thought out. Hold onto things that make you feel strong D-Lish! Ever since I've joined this site, I've always thought you came off as a super strong person. In moments of weakness, just remember how powerful you've been in the past and hold onto that - I think that may be the key to you getting over these pains he causes you when he tries to reconnect.

 

And if that doesnt work well - you're reaching out to us here, thats something. You're being honest about your past with him, and how it has affected you, thats something too. It shows you're moving on when you can be honest and open, and ready for help! So... yeah! I think you're doing well

[Yamaha]

Sorry if I didn't sugar coat my response but I thought you needed a little tough love to see what this guy is going to you. No, I am not perfect and I know that there are people who get to you and, like a bad habit, you just can't leave them alone. Sometimes we need someone to jolt us into reality and that is what I was trying to do to you.

[jerbear]

I think if your phone company can't block it, there should be a feature on your phone or an add-on the company can give you not to accept calls from certain numbers. But that doesn't include text messages. Alternatively you could actually give him a new number - maybe do it in one of those round-robin BCC emails. Let him think you have a new number and never use it. That could be worth a try. If he thinks you have a new number - he's going to be pretty sure that your old one doesn't work... and you can be fairly confident he won't use it.

 

Call forwarding to another number! So when he calls, it goes to VM then delete the VM. Another thing to do is have a guy friend screen calls and call HIM back saying why your ex is calling him.

[D-Lish]

Sorry if I didn't sugar coat my response but I thought you needed a little tough love to see what this guy is going to you. No, I am not perfect and I know that there are people who get to you and, like a bad habit, you just can't leave them alone. Sometimes we need someone to jolt us into reality and that is what I was trying to do to you.

 

I don't want you to sugar coat it Yam... I like straight talk.

I'm not going back- I am not going to participate in this again with him.

 

My question was more about how to distance yourself from someone who makes you feel a certain way that isn't healthy... Ultimately, he always makes me feel bad- and that is why I WON'T return.

 

I felt you had skimmed my post and responded to a notion that I was fighting going back. I am not fighting going back. I am fighting vulnerable feelings. I won't go back.

 

I don't like being vulnerable.... I hate feeling vulnerable! I am capable of restraint. Having feelings sometimes (which happens at all ages).... well, they hurt.

 

My big question is how to overcome being vulnerable to someone.

You will never see another post from me saying I have gotten entangled with this guy again. I promise everyone that.

 

I just want to re-iterate that I am aware he is bad news... but haven't yet reconciled with perhaps, um, maybe loving him. I don't want to love him- I won't get involved again. But how do you stay strong in this scenario?

 

I am not going back Yam... I just want some tools to help me stay away.

Have you ever loved someone that was wrong for you? I think most of us have. I am telling you that MY AGE and experience HAS provided me with the realization that going back is dumb and that's why I won't.

 

The feelings part- not as easy to control.

 

I am cool when he's not around to antagonize. But he's around again, and he's antagonizing. It makes one feel sort of lost. I don't want to be lost- I want to be found... by someone worthy.

 

 

Wouldn't it be great if you could say "I love that person, but they don't deserve it- so I am going to push a button and change my feelings". It doesn't work that way.

 

If someone could recognize someone is bad for them, then just turn off the feelings as an extension of that... we wouldn't have Loveshack, or therapy.

 

He wasn't bad news when I met him.

I would have ran if I thought so.

[SnapCracklePop]

Tactics to stay strong?

 

I had (have? not sure anymore) one femme fatale in my history.

 

Its time for you to take a vacation! Get out of town, go hang with some true friends and have some real fun (stay within your limits of course). That weakness will be the farthest thing from your mind.

[Surfer Girl]

Addiction... This person knows how to push your buttons... and is most likely IMHO very manipulative... My ex had that push pull experience with someone he wanted so much to get away from... He couldn't help but listen to messages, emails that were at times very hurtful... Perhaps Counseling would help to understand why you would want to be with someone so toxic... Sometimes it stems back to some childhood experiences....

 

Just try to keep reminding yourself if you did respond how painful it will be to go thru the hurt over and over again... Try writing something to yourself... about how bad it was ... and how it may have been such a relief to finally have that drama out of your life.... The memories of the bad times may help you move on... With time perhaps you will think back ... what was I thinking?

[SnapCracklePop]

Just try to keep reminding yourself if you did respond how painful it will be to go thru the hurt over and over again... Try writing something to yourself... about how bad it was ... and how it may have been such a relief to finally have that drama out of your life.... The memories of the bad times may help you move on... With time perhaps you will think back ... what was I thinking?

 

+100000 !!!. RE my femme fatale... after I was really over her, I was amazed that at one time I thought of taking her back - despite all the sh*t she put me through, and the little facts that surfaced after the split. Despite all that, those nights I considered calling, I only was thinking about the good times. Had I given a moment to consider the reality of the relationship, no sane person would give a second thought to her.

[D-Lish]

+100000 !!!. RE my femme fatale... after I was really over her, I was amazed that at one time I thought of taking her back - despite all the sh*t she put me through, and the little facts that surfaced after the split. Despite all that, those nights I considered calling, I only was thinking about the good times. Had I given a moment to consider the reality of the relationship, no sane person would give a second thought to her.

 

I'm not going back to him no matter what.

 

So, coping/avoidance tools is what I am hoping for.

 

When u love someone (regardless of knowing they suck) What do you do?

[SnapCracklePop]

I'm not going back to him no matter what.

 

So, coping/avoidance tools is what I am hoping for.

 

When u love someone (regardless of knowing they suck) What do you do?

 

Well you have half the battle solved then! So now you just get your mind off him, by giving your mind other things to do...

 

So go have fun where you know he will not have a chance to run into you. Go on a vacation, or just get out of town for a bit. Leave your computer / cellphone etc behind... set up your phone so nobody can leave voice messages (fill your v-mail box if need be). Just give your head a break from thinking about the guy.

 

It took time to get "her" out of my head, but it did get easier.

 

But I can say that hanging out at home, or doing light activities - its not enough to occupy your brain. Sometimes competitive activities - sports or other things - are really good for this. Your mind will not be on anything else except the activity you are doing. It is a quick fix, but can definitely get you through those difficult moments.

 

Or did you want specific examples of some activities? I've got a few that always make me forget whatever my current hell is...

[sumdude]

I'm not going back to him no matter what.

 

So, coping/avoidance tools is what I am hoping for.

 

When u love someone (regardless of knowing they suck) What do you do?

 

Well, you mentioned there's a new guy you're interested in getting to know. That could help take your mind off the past, look towards the future.

[Dominique]

I don't want you to sugar coat it Yam... I like straight talk.

I'm not going back- I am not going to participate in this again with him.

 

My question was more about how to distance yourself from someone who makes you feel a certain way that isn't healthy... Ultimately, he always makes me feel bad- and that is why I WON'T return.

 

I felt you had skimmed my post and responded to a notion that I was fighting going back. I am not fighting going back. I am fighting vulnerable feelings. I won't go back.

 

I don't like being vulnerable.... I hate feeling vulnerable! I am capable of restraint. Having feelings sometimes (which happens at all ages).... well, they hurt.

 

My big question is how to overcome being vulnerable to someone.

You will never see another post from me saying I have gotten entangled with this guy again. I promise everyone that.

 

I just want to re-iterate that I am aware he is bad news... but haven't yet reconciled with perhaps, um, maybe loving him. I don't want to love him- I won't get involved again. But how do you stay strong in this scenario?

 

I am not going back Yam... I just want some tools to help me stay away.

Have you ever loved someone that was wrong for you? I think most of us have. I am telling you that MY AGE and experience HAS provided me with the realization that going back is dumb and that's why I won't.

 

The feelings part- not as easy to control.

 

I am cool when he's not around to antagonize. But he's around again, and he's antagonizing. It makes one feel sort of lost. I don't want to be lost- I want to be found... by someone worthy.

 

 

Wouldn't it be great if you could say "I love that person, but they don't deserve it- so I am going to push a button and change my feelings". It doesn't work that way.

 

If someone could recognize someone is bad for them, then just turn off the feelings as an extension of that... we wouldn't have Loveshack, or therapy.

 

He wasn't bad news when I met him.

I would have ran if I thought so.

 

 

Hello my dear...

 

I know where you are coming from, have a dated-thread on this in Friends and Lovers...in my case someone older and hot-cold hot-cold in a way to make your head spin...And yet my feelings are/were/are terribly intense and a strong intellectual connection...But he---ultimately bad news, and a hurtful person.

 

Your vulnerability is nothing to be ashamed of. You are human, you are a vooo-man, and the desire for desire, the need for attention, the love of sexual energy are all part of the Grand Plan of nature...so your vulnerability is neither illogical nor irrational...It is a kind of sexual/emotional vulnerability...

 

My tools of coping:

 

1) Always remember the insults. Just when I am about to swoon with memory when the gent in question in my case comes-a-callin', I pull out this cold, gruesome email he wrote to me about a year ago, informing me that he did not feel the same as I did for him (though, damn, his attraction to me on many levels certainly would have left any ol' fly on the wall mighty confused...) But when I re read this email, all the fuzzy wuzzy circuits crash like a Wall Street financal fiasco and that is that! Always remember the insults....The post-amore insecurity, the wondering, the hurt, the last stupid comment....My email helps!

 

2) Life moves forward not backwards...Think of this as a kind of "natural law", that the wiser and stronger and lovelier (yes) you become, you deserve "more". We live life with a view towards the future. Keeping this in mind, "going back" to someone who was truly a problem (versus an epic type love-romance that was meant-to-be) is almost "un-natural". I find that his also helps, as if I were going against the natural flow of life, and it helps me to keep my view on "something better". I don't know if this makes sense to you, but it is a mental constitution which I think will help you...

 

3) Remember always..."This too shall pass". Emotional roller-coasters tend to even out, and you and I both know that the best relationships do not leave us in doubt, they leave us feeling confident. When in doubt, NEVER make a move. Your mind is telling you that something is "off" and this is a case where you go with Reason and not with the hills and valleys of emotion.

 

Just keep an eye on yourself, understand that you are the plaything of your emotions right now, and keep your eye on the true prize: a worthy relationship. All of this will fight back the vulnerabilty...

 

DOM