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Coping Learning to deal with one's emotions and loss.

 
 
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Old 26th February 2002, 7:30 PM   #1
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to everyone, esp. regulars

I've been reading through some of the posts and I've found some very interesting and uplifting words there. I do have a question that probably should be obvious, but you know how people get when they're emotionally distraught

One of the posts dealt with the feeling of being alone and how to deal with it. Over a month ago my ex left me and at first this was extremely difficult for me as she was not only my girlfriend, but she was also my BEST friend. Over time, I began to accept the reality of the situation and a small sense of satisfaction set in at the prospect of being alone after so long, I mean I was totally free to do whatever I wanted. However as recently as yesterday I've begun to feel terribly terribly alone again, and I've been thinking of the ex a LOT. I've tried to meet new friends, new women, do new things. In this time period I have not been able to meet any truly good friends and especially no women. The women thing is ok, I can deal with that, maybe I'm not ready anyway, so screw it, but the friends thing... well that's starting to get to me a little. I find myself alone a LOT nowadays, I enjoy going to work simply for the people that I will see there - none good friends but human beings at the very least

My question is what is the best approach to conquer this sense of lonliness and at the same time get my ex out of my head. It's driving me nuts (I'm almost speaking in a literal sense here) thinking about her, I mean reconciliation is not an option, so why should I even waste time thinking about her! Unfortunately, your mind can tell you one thing while your heart tells you something entirely different as I've found out.
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Old 26th February 2002, 8:00 PM   #2
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Re: to everyone, esp. regulars

Mail me on <e-mail address removed>.

Take care here from you soon

Yours

KV
Quote:
I've been reading through some of the posts and I've found some very interesting and uplifting words there. I do have a question that probably should be obvious, but you know how people get when they're emotionally distraught One of the posts dealt with the feeling of being alone and how to deal with it. Over a month ago my ex left me and at first this was extremely difficult for me as she was not only my girlfriend, but she was also my BEST friend. Over time, I began to accept the reality of the situation and a small sense of satisfaction set in at the prospect of being alone after so long, I mean I was totally free to do whatever I wanted. However as recently as yesterday I've begun to feel terribly terribly alone again, and I've been thinking of the ex a LOT. I've tried to meet new friends, new women, do new things. In this time period I have not been able to meet any truly good friends and especially no women. The women thing is ok, I can deal with that, maybe I'm not ready anyway, so screw it, but the friends thing... well that's starting to get to me a little. I find myself alone a LOT nowadays, I enjoy going to work simply for the people that I will see there - none good friends but human beings at the very least My question is what is the best approach to conquer this sense of lonliness and at the same time get my ex out of my head. It's driving me nuts (I'm almost speaking in a literal sense here) thinking about her, I mean reconciliation is not an option, so why should I even waste time thinking about her! Unfortunately, your mind can tell you one thing while your heart tells you something entirely different as I've found out.
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Old 26th February 2002, 8:05 PM   #3
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Re: to everyone, esp. regulars

Oh dear, I've been exactly where you are. In fact I've only just begun to really put it behind me. In this frame of mind starting a bunch of new activities and deliberately undertaking distractions might seem like the last thing you want to do (such was the case for me) but believe me it's the way to go. Especially since you feel like you lost your best friend. You've got to make new friends, you've got to find new things to do and to look forward to. If you're at peace about the break-up itself then all that's left is to move forward. Chances are you're just thinking about your ex because you haven't got anything else to think about in your downtime.

Cultivate friendships whereever you can. I don't know where you are or how old you are but work is often a good place to start. Do some things with people that you know slightly, and you'll get to know them better. You'll also get to know the people they know. If work isn't really an option for social networking, find something that will allow you to talk to people. How about a class of some kind -- an art class or a language class? You'll meet both men and women there and you'll have an initial point of mutual interest to break the ice with. As you get to know them a little better maybe you'll find there's a movie you'd all like to see or ... you get the idea. You have to be pro-active here, your social life won't re-build itself.

And if you're not at peace about your break-up, the above is still the way to go. There will be plenty of time when you're alone to ponder and dwell on what went wrong, even mope, but why not do some constructive things in the meantime too?

good luck!
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Old 26th February 2002, 8:46 PM   #4
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Re: to everyone, esp. regulars

You need to heal yourself. Mind,body & soul. Let go of the old and in with the new.

That sometimes is hard to do. The key is too take your focus off the pain long enough for the wound to heal? Like a cut. Once it heals, its no longer exposed. Than it simply goes away.

Your accustomed the draw backs, its been apart of your daily life to have this pain,anger,rejection,whatever.

Its hard to brake that routine.

You said you go out, take your mind off of it but that its just been temporary. You have to brake that cycle. You have to tell yourself that you have had ENOUGH. Or have you?

If you tell yourself over & over that your going to be happy and that you dont want to feel this way anymore. Put your foot down! Eventually your mind will accept that subconsciously and consciously.

Stress to yourself that its okay to be alone. Find something that you enjoy doing like reading,education,whatever. Make a regular schedual for these things to help occupy your time for the BEST.

Quote:
Oh dear, I've been exactly where you are. In fact I've only just begun to really put it behind me. In this frame of mind starting a bunch of new activities and deliberately undertaking distractions might seem like the last thing you want to do (such was the case for me) but believe me it's the way to go. Especially since you feel like you lost your best friend. You've got to make new friends, you've got to find new things to do and to look forward to. If you're at peace about the break-up itself then all that's left is to move forward. Chances are you're just thinking about your ex because you haven't got anything else to think about in your downtime. Cultivate friendships whereever you can. I don't know where you are or how old you are but work is often a good place to start. Do some things with people that you know slightly, and you'll get to know them better. You'll also get to know the people they know. If work isn't really an option for social networking, find something that will allow you to talk to people. How about a class of some kind -- an art class or a language class? You'll meet both men and women there and you'll have an initial point of mutual interest to break the ice with. As you get to know them a little better maybe you'll find there's a movie you'd all like to see or ... you get the idea. You have to be pro-active here, your social life won't re-build itself. And if you're not at peace about your break-up, the above is still the way to go. There will be plenty of time when you're alone to ponder and dwell on what went wrong, even mope, but why not do some constructive things in the meantime too?

good luck!
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Old 27th February 2002, 12:42 AM   #5
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Re: to everyone, esp. regulars

It just takes time!

Do get involved. Get involved with anything around you whether it be with people at work or people you meet elsewhere. As time goes on, your mind will become consumed with thoughts of more and more new experiences, new people or better known people. You will soon find that there is less time to think about things from the past.

Hang in there. This time will pass.
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Old 27th February 2002, 10:44 AM   #6
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Okay Confused, this a l-o-n-g one but hopefully sharing my own story with you might help---

After finding myself on my own after a 15 year relationship, I decided this was my time to focus my energies on developing my inner self...to becoming the person I wanted to be. I traveled to all those places I always wanted to go. I got into the 'fitness' craze and began working out extensively. I spent a lot of time making improvements to the house, painting, decorating and landscaping...and I did the work all by myself!

In the fall, I enrolled in some classes at a local college that occupied some of my evenings after work. It was never my intentions to go there to meet people, but I ended up making some very good friends with similar interests. Because cooking is one of my greatest joys I wanted to enhance my skills and, with another friend from work who shared my interest, attended some private gourmet lessons with a well know chef who was one of her acquaintances. This led me to some local wine festivals with yet another friend who was an avid connoisseur.

As an artist there were occasions when I needed to vent my creativity. Through networking, I was offered the opportunity to teach traditional craftwork to the American Indian children at the local cultural center. Several of the kids who I had formed strong bonds with would spend weekends at the house just to escape the city...and their families. Because I had become a surrogate parent for most of these children, the parent or parents than began to telephone me during family crisis. From there, I suddenly found myself a councilor. But because I didn't have the skills to detach myself, I soon began to take the sadness home with me and couldn't sleep at nights. It was dragging me down and I had to step back (another story...)

But because I stayed so busy and active, there was no time left for me to focus on the fact that I didn't have a romantic partner. There were some days when I was so emotionally and physically drained that I actually looked forward to spending a day at home alone vegging on the couch so that I could *recharge*.

This was my own way of utilizing my time and energy, to heal from the wounds of a broken marriage. And it wasn't even a conscious effort for me. An inherent survival skill, I suppose?

I can only recommend, from my own experience, that the best thing for you to do is stay busy, busy, BUSY! And somewhere along the way, when you least expect it, that woman will come along who'll stop you dead in your tracks. And again, your life will shift in another new direction...
Quote:
I've been reading through some of the posts and I've found some very interesting and uplifting words there. I do have a question that probably should be obvious, but you know how people get when they're emotionally distraught One of the posts dealt with the feeling of being alone and how to deal with it. Over a month ago my ex left me and at first this was extremely difficult for me as she was not only my girlfriend, but she was also my BEST friend. Over time, I began to accept the reality of the situation and a small sense of satisfaction set in at the prospect of being alone after so long, I mean I was totally free to do whatever I wanted. However as recently as yesterday I've begun to feel terribly terribly alone again, and I've been thinking of the ex a LOT. I've tried to meet new friends, new women, do new things. In this time period I have not been able to meet any truly good friends and especially no women. The women thing is ok, I can deal with that, maybe I'm not ready anyway, so screw it, but the friends thing... well that's starting to get to me a little. I find myself alone a LOT nowadays, I enjoy going to work simply for the people that I will see there - none good friends but human beings at the very least My question is what is the best approach to conquer this sense of lonliness and at the same time get my ex out of my head. It's driving me nuts (I'm almost speaking in a literal sense here) thinking about her, I mean reconciliation is not an option, so why should I even waste time thinking about her! Unfortunately, your mind can tell you one thing while your heart tells you something entirely different as I've found out.
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Old 27th February 2002, 11:47 AM   #7
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To: Been there

How long was it before you were romantically involved with someone. Also, age please and are you male or female? If you don't mind sharing that info.

Thanks
Quote:
Okay Confused, this a l-o-n-g one but hopefully sharing my own story with you might help--- After finding myself on my own after a 15 year relationship, I decided this was my time to focus my energies on developing my inner self...to becoming the person I wanted to be. I traveled to all those places I always wanted to go. I got into the 'fitness' craze and began working out extensively. I spent a lot of time making improvements to the house, painting, decorating and landscaping...and I did the work all by myself! In the fall, I enrolled in some classes at a local college that occupied some of my evenings after work. It was never my intentions to go there to meet people, but I ended up making some very good friends with similar interests. Because cooking is one of my greatest joys I wanted to enhance my skills and, with another friend from work who shared my interest, attended some private gourmet lessons with a well know chef who was one of her acquaintances. This led me to some local wine festivals with yet another friend who was an avid connoisseur. As an artist there were occasions when I needed to vent my creativity. Through networking, I was offered the opportunity to teach traditional craftwork to the American Indian children at the local cultural center. Several of the kids who I had formed strong bonds with would spend weekends at the house just to escape the city...and their families. Because I had become a surrogate parent for most of these children, the parent or parents than began to telephone me during family crisis. From there, I suddenly found myself a councilor. But because I didn't have the skills to detach myself, I soon began to take the sadness home with me and couldn't sleep at nights. It was dragging me down and I had to step back (another story...)

But because I stayed so busy and active, there was no time left for me to focus on the fact that I didn't have a romantic partner. There were some days when I was so emotionally and physically drained that I actually looked forward to spending a day at home alone vegging on the couch so that I could *recharge*. This was my own way of utilizing my time and energy, to heal from the wounds of a broken marriage. And it wasn't even a conscious effort for me. An inherent survival skill, I suppose?

I can only recommend, from my own experience, that the best thing for you to do is stay busy, busy, BUSY! And somewhere along the way, when you least expect it, that woman will come along who'll stop you dead in your tracks. And again, your life will shift in another new direction...
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Old 27th February 2002, 12:46 PM   #8
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Re: To: Been there

I was 34 when I was divorced. (Married since 19) It was almost two years before I even started dating again. I went out frequently during the third year, but I just wasn't into pursuing anything other than a casual friendship with anyone until I met someone who became my first real 'committed' relationship since my divorce. But 6 months into it, his true colors began to show. I was already a bit *cagey*, so as soon as I realized he was just another jerk, I ended it as quickly as it began. Swearing off intimate relationships FOREVER after that point, I only dated 'casually' for the next few months. Dinner, shows and stuff with a few male 'friends.' Certainly nothing serious. And then, just when I was feeling relaxed and comfortable again, I met Johnny. At the time, I was already in the process of moving to New Mexico and had already found a buyer for my house. I had convinced myself that I could handle our friendship without getting romantically "attached" and continue with my move as planned. But it was already too late for me (damn it)...He **MADE** me fall in love with him!

I didn't wanna do it --- I did't!..I didn't!

Anyway, after we returned from New Mexico, I yanked the "sold" sign out of my front yard and Johnny moved in. We've been together now for a little over a year. And right now, at 38, there is no other place I'd rather be.

And you, Rachel? How are you holding up so far?
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How long was it before you were romantically involved with someone. Also, age please and are you male or female? If you don't mind sharing that info. Thanks
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Old 27th February 2002, 1:33 PM   #9
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Re: To: Been there

YOU WROTE: "He **MADE** me fall in love with him!

I didn't wanna do it --- I did't!..I didn't!"

Sounds like the lyrics of some song I've hear...I think it was an oldies tune in a move or something.
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Old 27th February 2002, 6:19 PM   #10
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Hey Been there!

Thanks for asking how I'm doing.... O.K. I guess. I think right now I really miss my boyfriend and have missed talking to him..... I know that part of that is just that he was in my life for so long.

At the moment, I am doing my best NOT to think about things.... I guess over the next few weeks they will sort themselves out.

We'll see.

The sun is out there. I know.
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Old 27th February 2002, 6:47 PM   #11
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Not trying to pry (okay...maybe just a little) but I was wondering if the two of you were living together prior to his leaving?

I know you said that you were in a long term relationship before, but were you ever married? If so, what is it about the marraige that you feel is missing in your current relationship?...If not, what is it that you feel you might be missing?

Quote:
Hey Been there! Thanks for asking how I'm doing.... O.K. I guess. I think right now I really miss my boyfriend and have missed talking to him..... I know that part of that is just that he was in my life for so long. At the moment, I am doing my best NOT to think about things.... I guess over the next few weeks they will sort themselves out. We'll see. The sun is out there. I know.
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Old 1st March 2002, 5:06 PM   #12
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Re: to everyone, esp. regulars

When there have been times in my life where I have felt alone and unloved I have gone to volunteer at places where I would not feel alone, where I would feel better..I went to places such as the Humane Society and have walked pets and gave them attention and love, I have gone to the Rehabilitation Center where people and children are confined to wheelchairs and that has made me feel wanted and loved.

There was a time when I was so depressed and had nothing to wake up for, so I got a reason to get up in the morning I got a dog

GOod luck
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