crazy_grl Posted January 24, 2008 Share Posted January 24, 2008 One of my childhood friends died yesterday. He was born with an illness and wasn't expected to live even the 27 years that he did. There aren't a lot of things or people I have pleasant memories of from my childhood. He was one of them. I hadn't talked to him much lately, just a little bit on myspace a few months ago. I want to go to his funeral, but it's this Sat in my hometown. I have a concert I'm supposed to go to on Fri night. It might be the only chance I'll ever have to see this musician, who is also one of the few pleasant things I remember from childhood. I've wanted to see him my entire life. I was hoping I could get a plane ticket back to my home state on Sat morning, but none of the flights will arrive in time for me to get to the funeral. I'm thinking I'll have to just send flowers. It would be nice to say goodbye though. I feel bad about not going. Is it completely awful of me not to go? Link to post Share on other sites
swansong519 Posted January 24, 2008 Share Posted January 24, 2008 I have a dear friend who's attitude about funerals is...."why bother going? It's not like they're coming to mine." I don't mean to make light of your situation...but the truth is, your friend won't be there anyway. You can say goodbye to your friend anywhere, anytime you like. Are you near anyone else that knew your friend? If so, you can even have a private, "service" right in your home...friends sitting around reminiscing. If you have something you want/need to say...say it. Hopefully the message will get through. Although, your friend is probably discussing philosophy with Plato...or poetry with Jim Morrison so you may have to leave a message:) Link to post Share on other sites
jdeedee Posted January 24, 2008 Share Posted January 24, 2008 You can always visit his grave at a later date? Link to post Share on other sites
SoleMate Posted January 24, 2008 Share Posted January 24, 2008 It depends on a few things. If his parents or other family will be there, then I think you should go. You can comfort and show them your affection for your friend. This is important even if you do not know them. If for some reason there are no bereaved survivors at the funeral, and you are sure it has not meaning for you, then you can skip it. The musician is still around, and you may have another chance to catch him/her, but you will never have another chance to condole with his extended family and circle of friends at his funeral. I would go if I were you. Link to post Share on other sites
quankanne Posted January 24, 2008 Share Posted January 24, 2008 his family will be very touched that you're there, should you decide to attend, but if you really are having a problem deciding, and end up not going, seriously consider calling or writing his family to let them know they're in your thoughts. And share special memories you have of their son – from personal experience, the days leading up to the funeral and the funeral itself are going to be a huge blur, and they're going to feel very overwhelmed by their desire to be "hosts" in the midst of their grieving. A well-timed call/letter gives them a chance to savor what you may want to share with them because they can focus on it, and not the million and one things they feel they have to do to ensure everything goes smoothly for their son's send off. my condolences on the loss of your buddy ... Link to post Share on other sites
Ocean-Blue Posted January 24, 2008 Share Posted January 24, 2008 One of my childhood friends died yesterday. He was born with an illness and wasn't expected to live even the 27 years that he did. There aren't a lot of things or people I have pleasant memories of from my childhood. He was one of them. I hadn't talked to him much lately, just a little bit on myspace a few months ago. I want to go to his funeral, but it's this Sat in my hometown. I have a concert I'm supposed to go to on Fri night. It might be the only chance I'll ever have to see this musician, who is also one of the few pleasant things I remember from childhood. I've wanted to see him my entire life. I was hoping I could get a plane ticket back to my home state on Sat morning, but none of the flights will arrive in time for me to get to the funeral. I'm thinking I'll have to just send flowers. It would be nice to say goodbye though. I feel bad about not going. Is it completely awful of me not to go? Which will you regret missing more? The concert or going to your friend's funeral? We all have our ways of saying goodbye. For some people, it's going to the funeral... For others, it's visiting the family. And then some just sit there, in their room and remember and shed a few tears. Will you be able to go to the concert and enjoy it? Or will your mind be elsewhere. Make the decision you'll least regret. Link to post Share on other sites
Ronni_W Posted January 24, 2008 Share Posted January 24, 2008 I want to go to his funeral, but it's this Sat in my hometown. I have a concert I'm supposed to go to on Fri night. ...but none of the flights will arrive in time for me to get to the funeral. Is it completely awful of me not to go? My sympathies on the loss of your friend. Whether or not it ends up being "awful" that you don't attend his funeral is kinda up to you... Are you going to beat yourself up with guilt and remorse for months or years to come? -- that would be "awful", IMO. But if you take along your good memories of your friend to the concert, and "share" with him that way -- that could be really "nice and special", I think. So...it kind of depends on what you are going to do to yourself, after you make whatever decision you make. (I would make the choice based on what will leave me feeling, in the long run, "better for having done it".) I suspect that his family will understand your absence simply by the fact that you're out of town. In their grief, they may not even be fully aware of everyone who is or isn't there on Saturday. And, of course, you need not mention about any concert when you explain that your thoughts were with them, but you had trouble getting a flight. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted January 24, 2008 Share Posted January 24, 2008 It might be the only chance I'll ever have to see this musician, who is also one of the few pleasant things I remember from childhood. I've wanted to see him my entire life I'm sure this musician will make another appearance somewhere else in another City in the future. If you go to the concert, will you feel guilty and regret not going to your friend's funeral? Ask yourself what your friend would think - Would he want to see you happy and enjoying yourself? Was your friend a fan of this musician as well? If so, then go to the concert with him in your mind. Link to post Share on other sites
stevessvt Posted January 24, 2008 Share Posted January 24, 2008 You know there will be only one funeral for your friend. You think you wont get another chance to see this person in concert. If that reasoning helps at all. Link to post Share on other sites
Always Wrong Posted January 24, 2008 Share Posted January 24, 2008 How inconvenient! Some people really have a lot of nerve dying when they do! How thoughtless of them! I'd go to my friends funeral. Link to post Share on other sites
carrotgirl Posted January 24, 2008 Share Posted January 24, 2008 Which will you regret missing more? The concert or going to your friend's funeral? We all have our ways of saying goodbye. For some people, it's going to the funeral... For others, it's visiting the family. And then some just sit there, in their room and remember and shed a few tears. Will you be able to go to the concert and enjoy it? Or will your mind be elsewhere. Make the decision you'll least regret. I'm with Ocean-Blue. It's nice to be at the funeral for the remaining loved ones. It can be as nice or nicer to visit and be supportive 2 months and 4 months from now when their need is still there but most of the other people who were around for the funeral aren't still around to help. Carrot Link to post Share on other sites
Mustang Sally Posted January 24, 2008 Share Posted January 24, 2008 I agree with all of the good advice already posted about different ways of grieving and showing support of remaining family members, etc. Lots of good ideas. But for me, I'd have to say that there is no funeral that I've gone to that I regretted taking the time out of my life to attend. There have been plenty of opportunities to spend time with people that I care about that I've missed that I have regretted. And continue to regret. Significantly. And I've missed plenty of entertainment venues that I thought would be a big deal....but in the long run? It really didn't matter that much to my life, in the grand scheme of things. Just my opinion. YMMV. Link to post Share on other sites
Always Wrong Posted January 25, 2008 Share Posted January 25, 2008 Well said MS. AW Link to post Share on other sites
spookie Posted January 25, 2008 Share Posted January 25, 2008 (edited) I've always wished I got to attend my grandparents' funerals. They were half a month apart and I had to stay home to watch my infant brother, whom my mom didn't trust with any other babysitter. That said... those were the only grandparents I had ever known and I was really close to them (they lived with us my whole life). I think it'd be different for me with a childhood friend, whom I knew, at the time of his death, only in my memories. People regard funerals in different ways, so IMO you can take the advice given here, but in the end it is up to you whether to attend. For some people, saying goodbye doens't happen in the socially-alloted 2 hour time slot of the funeral. It happens at your own pace, perhaps years later, when you're alone; perhaps somewhere special where the memory of your loved one is strong. For other people, there's no goodbye at all; they carry their loved ones around, in their hearts, through everything that happens; letting their memories lead them, shape them. Where familial support is concerned, that's different person to person too. For my family, in the case of these grandparents that I mentioned, it wouldn't have mattered at all who came. We all loved them, no question about it, and their leaving grieves us still, years later; but even for my mom (the only remaining daughter) the funeral meant almost nothing. She didn't view it as an occasion whereby people offered their support, because in her mind, support is something you give by being a friend; and at the time, all she wanted was to be alone. For her, the funeral was something she felt compelled to throw together, at her family's cost, for no particular reason other than because when someone dies, that's what you do. Edited January 25, 2008 by spookie Link to post Share on other sites
Author crazy_grl Posted January 27, 2008 Author Share Posted January 27, 2008 (edited) Thanks for all the responses. I had time before today to read some of them, but not to respond. One thing that you all mentioned that I had never thought of was going there to offer emotional support to his family. The reason this never occurred to me is that providing emotional support is not something I'd ever consider to be within my ability. I'm horrible at dealing with emotional situations. I do sympathize and feel other people's pain, but I lack the capacity to do anything helpful about it. I bring more confusion and frustration to people than comfort. It also never occurred to me that they would want any. When my grandma died, I didn't want to be around anyone or to have their emotional support. I didn't speak to anyone. I just sat and tried not to cry. I couldn't even console my own mother. How could I console people who are practically strangers? It would be nice to be able to provide them with emotional support, but I know I'm unfortunately not the person to provide that. Sending flowers is better than subjecting them to me. I don't say that because I'm proud of it. In fact, I hate it and am trying to change it. I say it because that's the way it is. I decided to go to the concert. The main reason is that it won't benefit my friend at all. The only reason I would have gone was to try to make up for not telling him how important he was to me when I could have and didn't think he'd be gone so soon. It's too late for that now and there's no point pretending it's not. The other reason I felt I should go is because that's what people do. I was worried I'd look like an uncaring jerk if I didn't. But my friend doesn't get anything out of me going. There's a song that this musician sings about telling people how you feel before it's too late. Since I found out he died, the words to that song have been in my head. When it was played, it made me think about him, and I decided that the best way to honor my friend is to try to make sure other people know how important they are to me. If you have something you want/need to say...say it. Hopefully the message will get through. I wasn't so much saying that I wanted to say goodbye to my friend in a way that he'll hear it. Without going into detail, I believe that people who have died currently have no consciousness and no awareness. So I don't think saying goodbye or going to his funeral would benefit him in any way. What I meant was that saying goodbye would allow the fact that he's gone to fully sink in. I don't know if that makes sense to anyone else though. eriously consider calling or writing his family to let them know they're in your thoughts. And share special memories you have of their son – from personal experience That's a nice idea. I may write them a letter if I can find out their address, but a phone call is totally out. my condolences on the loss of your buddy ... Thank you. If you go to the concert, will you feel guilty and regret not going to your friend's funeral?/quote] Whether it's a good thing or not, I'm pretty good at putting things I don't want to think about out of my head. How inconvenient! Some people really have a lot of nerve dying when they do! How thoughtless of them! I'd go to my friends funeral. Your advice might have had more influence on me if it hadn't been delivered so obnoxiously and sarcastically. There have been plenty of opportunities to spend time with people that I care about that I've missed that I have regretted. And continue to regret. Significantly. I agree with your points, but I think I've already missed the opportunity to spend time with him, and for most people at the funeral, I either won't know them or they'll be people from school that I don't have much interest in talking to. The only person who I both know and want to speak to lives nearby and I see regularly. She didn't view it as an occasion whereby people offered their support, because in her mind, support is something you give by being a friend; and at the time, all she wanted was to be alone. For her, the funeral was something she felt compelled to throw together, at her family's cost, for no particular reason other than because when someone dies, that's what you do. That's pretty close to my thoughts. Thanks for sharing. Edited January 27, 2008 by crazy_grl Link to post Share on other sites
quankanne Posted January 27, 2008 Share Posted January 27, 2008 I may write them a letter if I can find out their address the absolute best thing about a letter is that the family can take it out from time to time and read it, because it provides an endless supply of support – I still have the card a dear friend of my sent when my brother died, and it still warms my heart to read it. And when you're grieving, that's what you need the most, and often at the most unexpected times. you can probably contact the funeral home that arranged the services and see if they have a current address, or if they'd be willing to forward your letter. Another option is to see if said funeral home has a cyber guestbook that you can sign, that's always a lovely way to give tribute to someone you cared about. And, at the point of sounding tacky, a way to help you get your own thoughts together about what you'd like to say to the family ... Link to post Share on other sites
Always Wrong Posted January 27, 2008 Share Posted January 27, 2008 (edited) I didn't mean to offend you crazy grl! If you knew me, you wouldn't have been. I would have gone to the concert when I was your age too. I am twice your age now, I'm one of the last, younger, Hippies from the late sixties. I was at Woodstock with my oldest brother if that says anything. I humbly appologize for any distress I caused you... it was not my intent. AW PS... please tell me you forgive me. Edited January 27, 2008 by Always Wrong Link to post Share on other sites
Author crazy_grl Posted January 28, 2008 Author Share Posted January 28, 2008 (edited) PS... please tell me you forgive me. I was a bit offended, but no worries. Maybe I took it wrong, and I don't hold a grudge. Edited January 28, 2008 by crazy_grl Link to post Share on other sites
Always Wrong Posted January 28, 2008 Share Posted January 28, 2008 I was a bit offended, but no worries. Maybe I took it wrong, and I don't hold a grudge. Thank you sweetie! Link to post Share on other sites
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