I'm a stalker

[imtrying]

This is a hard thing to admit and I don't know where else to go to talk to people.

 

I am stalking my ex. Not in person but online. I check her emails, facebook, everything every day.

 

I don't know how to stop. I have gone for a few days without checking but eventually I end up doing it again. I know I am being so unfair to her and myself. Where can I begin to find help?

 

Is it a matter of one day at a time? One hour?

 

Help please!

[ElvenPriestess]

I'd block her from all that stuff, delete anything you have connecting to her, take away all things that are of her, pictures, etc., and get professional help. That is my best advice to you. It's a serious matter that needs to be under control asap. As you already know.

[Ronni_W]

This is a hard thing to admit ...

I am stalking my ex. I check her emails, facebook, everything every day.

Congratulations on admitting your problem, and describing it so succinctly!

 

How do you feel about the fact that this is behaviour that your are CHOOSING to participate in with 100% awareness and knowledge that it is damaging at least two people? That it is "only" on line doesn't make it a single bit more acceptable.

 

(I'm not sure, but it may even be criminal activity...in some regions or states or countries. But I really am not sure.)

 

Is there a mutual friend whom you really trust? -- ask that person to "kinda put it out there" to your ex, to change her passwords.

 

Maybe make two lists of the pros and cons [1] of staying with the old habit and [2] developing a new, more productive one to replace it, that will serve your dreams and goals for yourself in healthy, positive ways.

 

It really is a matter of CHOOSING new behaviour, of DECIDING to stop this once and for all; and when you can actually see how the new behaviour will benefit you personally, it sometimes makes the choice easier.

 

EDITED TO ADD: Yes, EP is correct -- it is serious and it must be stopped.

Edited January 8, 2008 by Ronni_W

[Nomad1]

Ask yourself, is she worth all the effort and the mental energy? Probably not. But then again it is about you, not her. Some people like to pursue what they can't have. YOU CAN STOP. think of it like it is an addiction to nicotine. One day you simply refuse to smoke. It is hard at first, but after a few weeks, the craving stops. You later may be tempted to do it, but you tell yourself smoking is harmful to my health.

 

Nomad1

[tinke]

you might want to consider the legal consequence to your actions, should she become aware of your doings.

[Shandy]

I think it's good to have a reward system for yourself. I didn't go as far but I would constantly check my ex's facebook profile. After several days of that, I told myself if I can refrain from checking for a week, then I will give myself a $100 reward to buy anything I want. It's been over a week already, and I have not checked. Then you can extend your reward system to another week, then another, then another, until you no longer feel the need to check it anymore. And in the end, you also end up with quite a few nice presents for yourself... which is good! because you deserve it.

[Phateless]

This is a hard thing to admit and I don't know where else to go to talk to people.

 

I am stalking my ex. Not in person but online. I check her emails, facebook, everything every day.

 

I don't know how to stop. I have gone for a few days without checking but eventually I end up doing it again. I know I am being so unfair to her and myself. Where can I begin to find help?

 

Is it a matter of one day at a time? One hour?

 

Help please!

 

out of sight and out of mind. delete her from your myspace, facebook, buddy list, cell-phone, etc. get everything that reminds you of her out of your sight. you're doing this to yourself. this is mostly a function of having too much free time on your hands.

 

go outside, where you don't have access to the computer. go to the gym, go for a hike, go drinking with your friends (but let someone else hold your phone or you'll end up drunk-dialing her), etc.

 

stay busy. if you're out having a life, you won't have time to be at home in front of the computer, obsessing over what she's up to.

[D-Lish]

I'd describe your behaviour as obsessive- not necessarly stalking.

Don't cross the line though- it's easy to do.

 

Everyone is giving you good advice- delete, delete, remove, do whatever you can to keep yourself away from the checking behaviour.

 

Keep yourself occupied in other ways!

Switch the obsessive behaviour to something positive- ie: get to the gym, take up a new hobby, etc. Replace it with something else and your need to check will gradually diminish because you will be focusing on something else.

[KenzieAbsolutely]

maybe it's just me, but this doesn't sound abnormal to me. i don't do this in a compulsive way, but i've been curious about people and checked them out for no other reason than boredom.

 

i mean, yes, OP, you need to get over your ex, and the frequency with which you check up on her is unhealthy for you, but someone calling it illegal is a pretty big stretch.

 

info on the net that is not properly protected as private is fair game, unless someone hacked into it or otherwise found ways into it.

 

if he hacked into her accounts and stole passwords to read emails and the like, then yes, i can see why the behavior would be harmful to her. but she can make these things private and doesn't, so anyone can see them. looking at peoples' facebooks and myspaces, it's not any different than a stranger being able to see it. not only can she make things private, but she should also be smart enough to change her passwords if she gave them to him. not changing them after the breakup would negate the illegality of it because she had an option she didn't take.

 

don't get me wrong, i think this guy should chill out on the constant checking up on her, but if he isn't stealing this info, then some of the statements i saw here are pretty silly.

 

it's like that guy here who used to post about how he wanted his ex to stop looking at his info online, but refused to utilize the options that would keep her from seeing it. for him, it's like, oh well, then deal with it if you're not doing anything about it. in this situation, she's this guy from that thread.

[Green]

And what every you do dont let this progress into the kind of stalking thats going to get a restraining order put on ur but. Good luck man be strong. Oh and have you broken up with other girls before? well hopefuly you have, use that as a reminder that you are able to get over her

[tinke]

"and i check her e-mails everyday" is what i was addressing.

[sedgwick]

i agree with phateless 100%.

 

that said, i don't get how people can do this...i haven't looked at anything of his online since he dumped me. it would kill me.

[imtrying]

Thank you all for the wonderful advice. I am going to try to take it one day, hour, minute at a time. I've been in AA (though I am not an alcoholic, a codependent for sure) it works for alcohol I'm sure it must work for other things as well.

 

I consider it stalking, she gave me her passwords and she knows mine but neither have changed ours. That said, my other exes also know my passwords and if I knew they were doing this stuff it would tear me apart. It's an invasion of privacy.

 

It makes me so sad that I behave this way

[shockandawed]

Like the others, I don't feel you are a stalker as much as just obsessive and still hung up on your ex. To me, a stalker makes his presence known with either a threat or action to hurt the other person. From what you are doing, the only one you are hurting is yourself.

 

I know what it is like. I never had my ex-fiances email passwords, but early on after our breakup, I did quite a bit of online snooping. I would regularly google her name, scan the small town paper online where she lived, kept her on my IM, check her blank myspace page to see if she ever actually finished it. I even knew her ebay user name so I would check it to read the comments left for her to see what she had been buying. I remember the kick in the nuts I felt around Valentines Day when I saw the mans watch she had bought. I only began to truly heal when I deleted her off my IM and quit snooping her online. It was tough at first but it eventually got easier. As I saw the progress, it got easier and easier.

 

Dude, simply put you are torturing yourself. I think I know why you are doing it, deep inside, you think if you uncover something, it will help you move on. Unfortunately, it doesn't work that way, it only opens up more questions...what if that watch is for her brother?

 

The fact you have never changed your passwords, etc from years back is very risky. Here is my advise..

 

Change all of your passwords.

 

Delete her off of your IM, myspace, etc...but before you delete her email, send her one last one..

 

Dear Ex,

 

I just wanted to drop you a note and let you know I changed all of my personal passwords, etc...Not that I don't trust you, just being cautious.

 

I am writing to simply suggest you doing the same. I don't want you to ever suspect me if any privacy is compromised with your online accounts or email.

 

Best of luck and kindest regards,

 

imtrying

Edited January 9, 2008 by shockandawed

[SunnyLady]

Hi Imtrying,

 

I understand how you feel. I once made it a point of duty to check on my ex's facebook page each time I could. It is perfectly normal following a split. Be rest assured that you are not "stalking" her. I agree with Kenzie some of the comments on here are fallacious in nature if I dare say . I believe stalking is inextricabaly linked with direct/indirect harrasment of some sort, unlawful intentions and feelings of fear on the part of the victim.

 

That said I think you are the one in danger of your actions. It's torture having to monitor every move of our ex partners. Especially when we are still so emotionally unstable. I recommend "shockandawed's" suggestion...If you have access to her emails the only way to restrain yourself from snooping around is to inform her of it FOR YOUR OWN sanity. I never deleted my ex from facebook cos I never had the guts to but I wouldn't recommend that you follow my actions. There was a thin line between sanity and insaity for me. It was emotionally draining and exhausting. Seeing just one thing on his profile would ruin the following week. I would experience a tight knot in my stomach I don't even want to think about the bondage I was being subjected to by my own doing. But It was unbearable.

 

As for her facebook etc the best way to ease yourself of this is to delete her. I never had the will to and I never did and I am OK now. But everyone is different. I suggest you take her off facebook, or block her. Extreme measures but very effective. Most of the healing periods I know of were facilitated by an adoption of these measures. The question is "do you want to move on?". If you do, please adopt the measures suggsted by the posters on this thread.

 

I wish you well. Keep us posted. xx

[serendip]

Thank you all for the wonderful advice. I am going to try to take it one day, hour, minute at a time. I've been in AA (though I am not an alcoholic, a codependent for sure) it works for alcohol I'm sure it must work for other things as well.

 

I consider it stalking, she gave me her passwords and she knows mine but neither have changed ours. That said, my other exes also know my passwords and if I knew they were doing this stuff it would tear me apart. It's an invasion of privacy.

 

It makes me so sad that I behave this way

 

 

You are the only one who can stop your behaviour. Just try not to do it. Continuing to monitor what your ex does only prevents you from moving on.

 

I sort of did the same thing you did...I read my ex's emails(she gave me her password along time ago) when I became suspicious of her cheating on me. It kill me to find out I was right...and I continue to read her emails for a month after we broke up....and I finally told her about it. It was absolutely horrible I did this and it hurt me more then it helped me. It is obsessive behaviour.

[Zapbasket]

I think I understand what you're going through. It's hard and I myself, a year after my breakup, haven't been able to bring myself to stop the online tabs-keeping on my ex. Actually, for me it has gotten worse over the past 3 months as I've been using what I find online as a kind of "thermometer" to determine the likelihood he'll contact me and want to talk things through. Everything I've found has consistently suggested that indeed he is moving / has moved on and I think if I'd not seen that stuff online I'd have still imagined him depressed about our breakup and thinking about me.

 

I remember right at the time of the breakup, I had his apartment keys that he'd given me the month before as I was soon to be moving in. He broke up with me and then was going away for 3 weeks for the holidays. I knew that if I didn't divest myself of those keys, given my shock and desperation and the heightened emotions, I'd very likely find myself letting myself into his apartment. So even though he refused to see me, I came to him and gave him back everything of his that I had...and his keys. I am very, very glad I did that as now I don't have to deal with the memory of whatever undignified thing I may have done had I had those keys. I also feel a certain pride that I didn't have to be degraded by him having to ASK for the keys; he'd forgotten I even had them.

 

Admittedly I don't understand why being in a relationship should ever entail an exchange of e-mail passwords. But now that you know your ex's, you must refrain from checking her account. I don't agree that you should write her and ask her to change her password; that IS stalker-ish and she could see it as threatening. It's hard, but you have to stop or you might slip up one day and somehow leave a trace of your presence and really anger her (and scare her).

 

Anyway, I feel for you. What you're doing is understandable and I'm alongside you on the journey of gradually giving up on online snooping. Every moment we're doing that is a moment robbed from building up our own enviable life that leaves tempting traces on the internet. As I said to my ex the night he told me it's over: "You're going to wake up when you're 50 and see some picture of me somewhere smiling with my husband and two kids and a dog, and you're going to regret this day," and he started to cry and said, "I know." I want to become the woman who will be smiling in that future photo with a beautiful family and happy life, and my wiser self knows that snooping on my ex online isn't going to get me there.

 

Good luck

[Ronni_W]

I consider it stalking, ... It's an invasion of privacy.

It makes me so sad that I behave this way

Regardless of how others perceive your behaviour, the most important thing is how you view it. It is obviously incredibly worrisome for you -- sorry that others are minimizing your beliefs and feelings.

 

Not intending to be unkind here, but obviously these behaviours isn't making you sad ENOUGH yet. I say that because, if it was, you would certainly find inner strength and motivation to drastically curtail the activities.

 

There is a part that is STILL making it okay to invade her privacy and "stalk" her electronically -- what is going on with that part? (The rest of your 'parts' seem like they really want to behave more productively -- who or what is giving this one part so much power???)

 

That you have her password is not helping matters -- obviously she needs to change that herself -- do you have someone you trust (who won't tell her what's going on) to "put it in her ear" that it may be a good idea.

[serendip]

The intimate partner stalker is the person who refuses to believe that the relationship has ended. Intimate partner stalkers are not sympathetic, lonely people who are hopelessly in love, but are emotionally abusive and controlling to those with whom they had intimate relationships.

 

There is no reasoning with intimate partner stalkers. When a victim says, "I don't want a relationship now," the stalker hears, "She/he will want me again tomorrow." When a victim says, "I just need some space," the stalker hears, "If I let her/him go out with friends, she/he will come back." When a victim says, "It's just not working out," the stalker hears, "We can make it work out." The ONLY thing to say to a stalker is "No." Do not offer explanations for your behavior, do not set time limits for encounters, and do not give the stalker any room to maneuver.

 

Say no once and only once, and then never say anything to the stalker again. If a stalker cannot have a victim's love, he/she will settle for the victim's hatred and/or fear. The worst thing for an intimate partner stalker is to be ignored, therefore negative attention is better than no attention. Intimate partner stalkers truly believe "she/he loves me," and any evidence to the contrary is seen as an inconvenience to overcome.

 

Intimate partner stalkers and delusional stalkers can become vengeful stalkers for a variety of reasons including, the victim's procurement of a restraining/protective order, or the victim's marriage.

 

Phases of stalking:

• 
  
• Obsession. The stalker becomes enamored of his/her victim.
  
• Information gathering. The stalker gathers information about his/her victim from family, friends, co-workers, and various surveillance operations.
  
• Harassment. The stalker participates in either positive or negative harassment of the victim. Positive harassment includes sending the victim gifts, such as flowers or candy. Negative harassment includes making threats or killing the victim's pet(s).
  
• Violence (extermination). The stalker commits physical or sexual violence against the victim, which can lead to murder.

 

Stalking in cyberspace

CyberStalking is, according to the US Department of Justice, using the Internet, e-mail, or other electronic communications devices to stalk another person. Harassment via the Internet may seem harmless and less frightening than physical world harassment, but it can become dangerous. The Internet has no boundaries, therefore CyberStalkers can find potential victims, access their personal information, and harass them, while retaining their anonymity and relinquishing responsibility for their actions.

 

Motives of CyberStalkers

In many cases, the cyberstalker and the victim have had a prior relationship and the cyberstalking begins when the victim attempts to end the relationship. However, given the enormous amount of personal information available via the Internet, strangers can easily locate "private" information about a potential victim.

• 
  
• Sexual harassment is the most common form of CyberStalking. Women are more likely than men to be victims. Victims receive unsolicited private messages in any chat forum that, for example, are derogatory toward women in general.
  
• Love obsessions sometimes start in real life and carry over into cyberspace, but they also develop from online romances. Some CyberStalkers enjoy breaking hearts as a pastime, while others are truly interested in love but live in a fantasy world where they become highly possessive. Once they realize the fantasy cannot come true, they begin sending death threats to their victims.
  
• Hate/revenge vendetta CyberStalkers begin their harassment disguised as a flame war, or verbally abusive dialogue. These CyberStalkers are rude, obnoxious, and have no problem hurling their obscene remarks at others. They are empowered by their anonymity and will not let go.
  
• Power/ego CyberStalkers have nothing against you at all. They are just showing off their technological skills at your expense.

Types of CyberStalking

A CyberStalker may send repeated, threatening, or harassing messages with the simple push of a button. More sophisticated CyberStalkers (power/ego) use programs to send messages at regular or random intervals without being physically present at the computer terminal.

• 
  
• E-Mail CyberStalking includes attempts to initiate a relationship, repair a relationship, or threaten and traumatize a person. Unsolicited e-mail is the most common form and includes hate, obscene, or threatening mail, sending the victim computer viruses, or sending high volumes of electronic junk mail. The last two do not alone constitute stalking unless they are sent in a manner designed to intimidate.
  
• Internet CyberStalking is used to slander and endanger victims, taking on a public rather than private dimension. Harassment includes hacking, spoofing, the use of spy ware, and the use of offensive content such as pornographic images and e-mail bombs. A stalker will visit a chat room pretending to be his/her victim or post information about his/her victim on a bulletin board. The information most often contains the victim's name, address, and telephone number, and a message inviting strangers to join in sexual activity. Internet CyberStalkers can follow their victims from place to place on the Internet, and can build and maintain websites dedicated to their victims, encouraging visitors to participate in degrading and harassing her/him. This type of CyberStalking is most likely to become physical world stalking.
  
• Computer CyberStalkers can assume control of their victims' computers. This stalker will be able to communicate directly with his/her victim as soon as the victim connects to the Internet. Changing your Internet address and/or your Internet Service Provider are the only ways to get rid of this type of stalker.

Protecting yourself in cyberspace

Basic precautions on the Internet:

• 
  
• Be very careful to whom you give your personal information.
  
• Be very careful where you post information.
  
• Use a nonsense password that has no reference to you; change your password frequently; never divulge your password.
  
• Use gender and age neutral comments.
  
• Do not post personal information as part of user profiles.
  
• Check websites that provide information about people to see what information is available about you (e.g. http://www.peoplefinders.com ). Request that all entries about you be deleted or edit them to show only a Post Office Box and a bogus telephone number. Visit a Meta search engine ( http://www.google.com ) and search your name for information about you.
  
• Do not give out credit card numbers in a non-secure environment. If you are making a purchase through a website, read the company's security policy before you buy.

If you are being CyberStalked:

• 
  
• Make it clear to the stalker that you do not want any contact. Provide this information only once.
  
• Report the incident to the system administrator of both your Internet Service Provider (ISP) and, if you know, the ISP of the stalker/harasser.
  
• Report the incident to your local law enforcement agency.
  
• Document everything. Make copies of all correspondence sent to you. Do not edit or alter the information in any way.
  
• Consider blocking or filtering messages from the stalker. Chat room contact can be blocked. In situations where threats of violence have been made, save the information and contact law enforcement.
  
• Clear out history information.
  
• Use an alias in chat rooms, as most chat rooms have archives that can be accessed later by anyone.
  
• Change your internet/e-mail address.
  
• Consider changing your ISP.

[imtrying]

This is now starting to scare me. I never got that bad (as above) but some ideas have come in my head, flowers (her birthday is coming soon), etc. :'(

 

I don't want to hurt her I just miss her and am curious if she is every thinking of me.

 

I haven't checked her stuff once since yesterday after noon. It's so hard and the temptation is so great but I've just stopped myself and done other things when it comes up.

 

To those that asked if I had friends who could drop the idea to her, I wish. We don't have any mutual friends I'd trust to be tactful enough. I'm just taking it all one step at a time and trying so hard not to breach her trust.

 

I hate myself for behaving like this and know she'd feel so violated if she ever found out.

[imtrying]

It's day two. I haven't checked up on her at all yesterday and today I almost did, but I didn't.

 

This is so hard but I'm trying. I really really want to know whats going on in her life.

[starlite]

It's day two. I haven't checked up on her at all yesterday and today I almost did, but I didn't.

 

This is so hard but I'm trying. I really really want to know whats going on in her life.

 

imtrying- I dont know if Serendip is implying you are on your way to that behavior.,..but I know what you are going through, and I think a lot of people (even if they dont admit it) go through something like this. I did it to my ex. Not the recent one, but one from like 4 years ago. it almost became a habit and out of boredom. I am not saying what you are doing is ok.

 

Just stop. Dont let yourself do it, you have complete control over this. I dont look at my most recent ex's myspace page. It may cross my mind, but I either sign off, or look at a friends page, or another cute guys page!

[serendip]

It's day two. I haven't checked up on her at all yesterday and today I almost did, but I didn't.

 

This is so hard but I'm trying. I really really want to know whats going on in her life.

 

 

Good....just don't do it

 

Think how she would feel if she found out

[whichwayisup]

Please seek some counselling to help you let go of her. Snooping in her email, and basically wanting to know everything that is going on in her life won't serve you any good, atleast in the long run. Sure, maybe for afew minutes you get satisfaction of knowing, but once you know, you do realize that you are NOT a part of her life?

 

I wish you the best and hope you can work through your pain and the desire of checking up on her.

[jmargel]

Why do you want to know what she is doing all the time? What are you going to get out of it? Are you hoping to find some email saying she misses you, etc?

 

You are just torturing yourself, nothing good will come of it. Until you get past this, there is no way you can move on to something better. Continuing to do this will only make things worse.

 

Give us some detail on your relationship with her and why you two ended it.