Incredibly manipulative email just received from ex - AAAAH! He has some nerve!

[Starlight Starbright]

Hi,

 

I would really appreciated some input on this email my ex just sent me!

 

To those of who that haven't read my previous thread, here it is, it will give some good background information.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t120934/

 

To sum up what that thread said, I just found out this week that my ex who broke up with me in January because he just wanted to be single, started dating his new roommate two months later. They met after the breakup (so she was not the cause of the breakup). I found this information out from his roommate/best friend. I think his roommate might have clued him in that I know, because today I received an email from my ex. It is the first contact that he has initiated in 3 months.

 

Before I write about the email, I also want to add that I emailed him one month ago. It was short and sweet, just asking him to send me some stuff of mine that he still had. He responded right away, stating that he wanted to talk because he wanted to know how I was doing. But I replied that the only reason I contacted him was to get my stuff back and then I wished him all the best. So I had showed him I didnt want to communicate.

 

Now, one month later, this is what he sends me (I edited some parts out):

 

Dear _____,

 

I feel that there is a good chance that you will not even read this. However, on the chance that you do not immediately delete it, I will continue writing. Do not feel the need to reply in length to this, but I really need to know something. First and foremost, I still care a great deal about you, so I need to know if your intention is to never ever talk to me again. If this is the case, I will be deeply saddened, but I promise that I will understand and respect your decision. Please know that were I to completely lose you, my life would be forever diminished. If talking to me is too painful at present, you can take as much time as you need, be it months, or years. Trust me, I'm not even sure that I am ready to start talking. But if we are to absolutely part forever, I need to start digesting that reality, because at present I am still clinging to the chance that some day you will at least talk to me again. I have been thinking a lot about things that happened between us, and how I regret so much of how I treated you sometimes in regards to being over protective. I have realized that there is never a complete security in a relationship, no matter how close you try to keep someone. You have to learn to trust and just let life happen. I have so much I want to say to you, but I will refrain from that here, because I already feel as if I am beginning to ramble. I just need to know your intentions.

 

The last thing I am going to tell you is what is going on in my life at present. Again, I imagine there is about a %50 (maybe more like %33.33) chance that you will read this, but even a %33.33 chance of your knowing somehow makes me feel better.

 

- edited out

 

- edited out

 

- I am dating my roommate ____. It is not serious - I have been lonely. The truth is, no one compares.

 

Please do not mistake my intentions. I just want to know what is going on in your life, or that someday I will be able to talk to you again and find out. But if you read this and have decided that this will never happen, I will close by saying that our relationship made me a better human being, and that you are one of the most unique, smart, interesting, and genuinely good people that I have ever met.

 

Goodbye,

_______

 

I think he has SOME NERVE to be dating another girl and to write this to me. He just wants to keep me hooked, and make sure I'll be around for him. I definitely am not going to respond, although I feel sad not to. Its funny that even though HE dumped ME, he almost sounds like the dumpee in the email. Great manipulation tactic. Like I said, he has some nerve...

[JoL]

I think he has SOME NERVE to be dating another girl and to write this to me. He just wants to keep me hooked, and make sure I'll be around for him. I definitely am not going to respond, although I feel sad not to. Its funny that even though HE dumped ME, he almost sounds like the dumpee in the email. Great manipulation tactic. Like I said, he has some nerve...

 

Exactly right! Good on you for realising the signs of a manipulator. He is trying to keep you hanging on by telling you how wonderful you are BUT at the same time he never says he wants you back or wants to try and work things out. Classic signs of someone who can't stand being blamed or being the bad guy and who wants to keep you hoping he will come back.

 

He is having his cake and eating it too. So don't let him. Don't reply. Don't give him the satisfaction of knowing he reeled you back in. He is dating someone else and trying to keep himself in your good books by showering you with praise. Well if he really thought you were so wonderful and amazing as he rambles on in his email, he would still want to be with you.

 

I think 100% NO CONTACT is the best way to cope with this situation.

Be strong, I know it's hard, but it's the best for you.

[SadForever]

Exactly right! Good on you for realising the signs of a manipulator. He is trying to keep you hanging on by telling you how wonderful you are BUT at the same time he never says he wants you back or wants to try and work things out. Classic signs of someone who can't stand being blamed or being the bad guy and who wants to keep you hoping he will come back.

 

He is having his cake and eating it too. So don't let him. Don't reply. Don't give him the satisfaction of knowing he reeled you back in. He is dating someone else and trying to keep himself in your good books by showering you with praise. Well if he really thought you were so wonderful and amazing as he rambles on in his email, he would still want to be with you.

 

I think 100% NO CONTACT is the best way to cope with this situation.

Be strong, I know it's hard, but it's the best for you.

 

I feel I'm being treated similarly. Why would someone do this? Is it good for their ego to keep someone hanging on? Funny how they try to make you the bad guy when really it's them. Can be easy to fall into that guilt trip without realizing it.

[Starlight Starbright]

He is definitely trying to reel me back in. He knows that in the weeks after the breakup, each time he threw me a couple of scraps: "I miss you", "I'm depressed without you", "I can't handle seeing you right now", I'd bite and call him within a week and ask whether or not we could fix things and get back together. Now I've learned not to do that.

 

But I am afraid that while I might not respond and let him know that he got to me . . . he did. This email has renewed the hope inside of me . . . just when I had learned about this new girlfriend and been about to let go of any last hopes for him and I in the future.

 

I mean I don't get. HOW can he write he has a new girlfriend and then say "The truth is, no one can compare"?!?!?!?! Are his hands tied behind his back? It's just soooo mean and selfish to both me and her to write that!

 

I think it just comes down to the fact that he is too immature to commit. He is just about to restart school in the fall (he's doing a 2nd bachelor's program), and eventually plans on going to law school. I think he wants to keep me around while he goes back to school and has his fun, just in case he wants to come back to me when he's done with all of it. I think that's why its SOOOOO important for him to know that I don't hate him enough to never talk to him again. It's not about being friends, because him and I have said that we probably won't ever be able to be friends. It will be too hard.

 

I am soo tempted to write back, I have so many things to say to him, but I won't. I think that me not responding will send a bigger message. But now, after having read his email, I am back to missing him . . . I stayed in bed for that last 16 hours totally bummed out.

 

So . . . . I 100% shouldn't write back . . . right? This sucks. It feels like I am bursting inside with things I want to say.

[JcB228]

This guy sounds like a real jerk playing with your heart. Don't justify his actions by responding. What he really deserves is the cold shoulder you've been giving him. If he really wants to talk, let him comeback crawling, begging, and crying for forgivness.

[SadForever]

I am soo tempted to write back, I have so many things to say to him, but I won't. I think that me not responding will send a bigger message. But now, after having read his email, I am back to missing him . . . I stayed in bed for that last 16 hours totally bummed out.

 

So . . . . I 100% shouldn't write back . . . right? This sucks. It feels like I am bursting inside with things I want to say.

 

I would be so tempted to write back if i were you. i can see my ex doing the same thing to me. maybe the worst part about it is, like you said, it gets to you either way.

 

i have had some success with writing a message, but then not sending it. ultimately, i think you know its better to not respond. good luck.

[Star Gazer]

I don't see this email as a manipulation tactic. Sounds like he genuinely cares about you, and just wants to make sure that you don't carry any ill will towards him.

[crazy_grl]

Don't write back.

 

What would you really get out of it? Seems like you already know. He said some very lovely things, but the most important is what he didn't say. He didn't say he wants you back.

 

Keep reminding yourself of this:

I think that me not responding will send a bigger message.

[SadForever]

Don't write back.

 

What would you really get out of it? Seems like you already know. He said some very lovely things, but the most important is what he didn't say. He didn't say he wants you back.

 

Keep reminding yourself of this:

 

well put crazy grl, that really is the bottom line.

[polywog]

Just have to jump in here to say what the others have said....Don't reply. Don't. Lick your wounds (that he thoughtlessly inflicted) and move on, go do something nice for yourself.

 

It just sucks, and is incredibly selfish of him, that he sent that bloody email. So what if he misses you etc., what kind of guy gets involved with his roommate because he's lonely??? Not fair to her (though she wasn't too bright to go along with him as an obvious rebound), incredibly selfish and unfair to YOU.

 

He broke your heart, he has some nerve to try to reel you back in! Which he is doing!

 

Get your girl posse together and go out and have some fun, making sure that you all trash him while you're hanging out together.

[Starlight Starbright]

Star Gazer: You say that you don't think its manipulative, but I'm just curious, why did he have to tell me that "No one can compare" to me, not even his current girlfriend? All that serves to do is to keep me strung along, waiting for him to come back to the one that no one else can hold a candle to.

 

Also, I think the reason he is so worried that I might have ill will towards him is that the ENTIRE crux of his argument while breaking up with me was "I just want to be single. I don't want to be in a relationship right now." He insisted that he was still in love with me. One month after the breakup (and one month before he started dating this new girl) I asked him, "So, if you were to meet a girl you like two weeks from now, would you get into a relationship with her?" and he replied with a firm "No."

 

Now, I am so confused. Much of this email makes him sound very heartbroken . . . I just don't understand. If he really was so heartbroken, he would do something to fix it . . . not just complacently respect my decision to never talk to him again. I guess once I don't respond, we'll see if he follows through with that.

 

I am just worried that because of this email, now I am once again going to have trouble letting go (I had been getting better the last few months). I have so many things I want to say to him, and like he says in the email, he has so many things he wants to say to me . . I think I'm going to just be waiting for the day when I get more closure.

[Star Gazer]

If simply being honest about one's feelings can result in the label of being "manipulative," well then we're all just bound to be manipulative *********s.

 

He broke up with you not because there was something wrong with YOU, but because he simply didn't want the level of relationship you two had. That doesn't mean he doesn't think you're amazing, gorgeous, smart, blah blah blah. If someone's not capable of being in a serious relationship (him), they should let the awesome person (you) go. He did that.

 

Sure, he's dating someone now, but he's also telling you it's not serious. I think he's telling you this NOT to keep you on a string but to reassure you that his original reasons for breaking up were real. He's not ready for a serious thing, even with the most awesome person in the world (you).

 

Thing is, he didn't want to be in a relationship when he broke up with you, and he didn't want to be in a relationship one month later when you asked him that very loading/leading question. However, just because he finds himself in a relationship later down the road doesn't mean that his original words to you were false. People go through periods where they don't want a relationship, and then find themselves later wanting one. Changing your mind doesn't mean that you're manipulative or an *********.

 

I would take his entire email as one big huge COMPLIMENT, not a manipulation tactic.

 

He's hoping that you'll still be able to talk, be friends, etc., because he thinks you're an awesome person. He knows he can't give you the relationship you deserve, but is hoping you'll still be in each other's lives...either now, or down the road. Yes, perhaps he is still trying to keep the door open. If you are as awesome as he makes you out to be, why wouldn't he want to keep that door open? It's up to you to either close it or entertain his friendship.

[SadForever]

If simply being honest about one's feelings can result in the label of being "manipulative," well then we're all just bound to be manipulative *********s.

 

He broke up with you not because there was something wrong with YOU, but because he simply didn't want the level of relationship you two had. That doesn't mean he doesn't think you're amazing, gorgeous, smart, blah blah blah. If someone's not capable of being in a serious relationship (him), they should let the awesome person (you) go. He did that.

 

Sure, he's dating someone now, but he's also telling you it's not serious. I think he's telling you this NOT to keep you on a string but to reassure you that his original reasons for breaking up were real. He's not ready for a serious thing, even with the most awesome person in the world (you).

 

Thing is, he didn't want to be in a relationship when he broke up with you, and he didn't want to be in a relationship one month later when you asked him that very loading/leading question. However, just because he finds himself in a relationship later down the road doesn't mean that his original words to you were false. People go through periods where they don't want a relationship, and then find themselves later wanting one. Changing your mind doesn't mean that you're manipulative or an *********.

 

I would take his entire email as one big huge COMPLIMENT, not a manipulation tactic.

 

He's hoping that you'll still be able to talk, be friends, etc., because he thinks you're an awesome person. He knows he can't give you the relationship you deserve, but is hoping you'll still be in each other's lives...either now, or down the road. Yes, perhaps he is still trying to keep the door open. If you are as awesome as he makes you out to be, why wouldn't he want to keep that door open? It's up to you to either close it or entertain his friendship.

 

Stargazer, you do a good job of describing his perspective.

 

If you both have so many things left unsaid, then you do not have closure, and that makes the pain just that much worse. Not everyone is fortunate enough to get closure. I think the best way is a conversation, not texting or email which add to the odds of miscommunication.

Maybe you could ask him if he'd be willing to have such a conversation where you both try to be as non emotional as possible while trying to reach some sort of closure. One last hash-it-out conversation to get questions answered and sides stated, rather than months or years of out of the blue jabs.

 

After that you could decide if no contact or not seems right.

 

Good luck to you.

[Starlight Starbright]

Stargazer: Thank you for your insight. I definitely see your point, and I do think I agree. I represented a lifelong commitment to him, and he just wasn't ready for that. He will be moving 1 1/2 hours away to go back to school in September, so I am guessing this new girl is just being "used" to fill up his time until then. I think I am still such an idealist. I can't see how anyone can be content with being with the girl that "doesn't compare." I just figure if you love someone, you stay with them. I suppose I am either dealing with a commitmentphobe, or just someone who is still too immature.

 

SadForever: It is a difficult decision to make. I think I would want to eventually meet up and have a closure talk with him, but I don't think I could handle it while he has another girlfriend. I will be unable to bear the thought that after we hug and say goodbye he will be going home to her. Maybe if he breaks up with her in September...

 

So to everyone that has recommended that I don't reply . . . I suppose that's what I will be doing for now: not responding. I am just so sad. I do feel guilty for not responding to him and I am worried that my ignoring his email is simply my OWN manipulation tactic, geared towards making him miss me even more. If this is the case, I don't see myself healing anytime soon . . .

[SadForever]

So to everyone that has recommended that I don't reply . . . I suppose that's what I will be doing for now: not responding. I am just so sad. I do feel guilty for not responding to him and I am worried that my ignoring his email is simply my OWN manipulation tactic, geared towards making him miss me even more. If this is the case, I don't see myself healing anytime soon . . .

 

do what feels right for you, thats being honest, not manipulative. if he views your lack of response as manipulation, that's his responsiblity. just like you have 2 ways to view the email he sent. dont add to your stress by not trusting your instincts to protect yourself and not reply.

[crazy_grl]

If you both have so many things left unsaid, then you do not have closure, and that makes the pain just that much worse. Not everyone is fortunate enough to get closure.

 

You get closure from within yourself, not from other people. There will always be additional things that can be said. It's useless to say them if doing so isn't going to change anything.

 

I do feel guilty for not responding to him and I am worried that my ignoring his email is simply my OWN manipulation tactic, geared towards making him miss me even more. If this is the case, I don't see myself healing anytime soon . . .

 

Another possibility is to send something along the lines of "It was nice to hear from you, but I'm not at a point where I want to be your friend yet. Take care." That could leave the lines of communication open for the future. But if you send anything, he may not reply or he may send a huge, detailed email. Both could make you feel worse.

[SadForever]

You get closure from within yourself, not from other people. There will always be additional things that can be said. It's useless to say them if doing so isn't going to change anything.

 

 

true, you ultimately have to find final closure within yourself, but that process can be made easier/quicker if you have an ex who's willing to talk maturally to elminate as much confusion as possible.

 

at least that's what i've found.

[InvisibleTouch]

Starlight,

 

Based on your previous post where you outline how he treated you plus his behaviour towards other people in past and current relationships I would suggest that you do not respond.

 

He is trying to hoover you back up because he wants control over you and not because he wants to be with you. If he wanted to be with you, he would be with you. I strongly suspect that he is probably doing the same with other people too. Your function is to make him feel wanted.

 

Dont allow this guys low self esteem and freakish behaviour taint your judgement. There is nothing he has that will enrich your life. Re-read your original thread. If this was an advert promoting the benefits he can bring to someones life I doubt there would be many takers.

 

Keep it in perspective here. This isn't a question about whether you respond or not it is a question of what value this guy will give your life. From what I can see he has absolutely no value what-so-ever. If you respond he will feed off you and move on again. Your part in this dance is to pump up his ego only and nothing else.

 

This discussion is irrational.

 

Get it?

[serial muse]

I went back and read your other thread, and that clinches it for me - I really think you should not respond to this email.

 

I'd say your instincts are dead-on - it is manipulative, he wants to know you're still around and hoping, so he's sending out feelers. Obviously he still cares about you, and from what you said in the other thread, it seems pretty clear that the current gf is a rebound, and is indeed someone he can feel dominant over (as apparently he had a difficult time feeling with you, through no fault of your own). All of those things, however, are his own problems, his issues - he may grow out of them (he's still quite young), he may be able to find some self-worth through the various school/job efforts he's making - or he may not. It's impossible to say right now. The only thing that's clear is that he's not mature at the moment, and he's hurting you by checking to see if you're still out there, dangling. So I advise sticking to NC, including not talking to his friend about him, and just moving forward with your own life.

[whichwayisup]

It seems like he is looking for closure in a way...Which is weird seeing as he's dating someone else and he was the one who broke up with you.

 

Delete the email, block his email address and forget him. If you feel the need to write, just to get things off your chest, write him a letter, but DO NOT SEND IT! This is only for theraputic reasons! Then you either delete the letter or if you wrote it by hand, ya burn it.

[Starlight Starbright]

Yeah I don't know what his deal is. I just think that he is SO accustomed to me being there for him, that he was probably shocked when I was super aloof in the last email exchange we had a month ago about returning stuff. I am a very open an honest person. If I have to get something off my chest, I usually say it. I think that this email is just him trying to get back that open, honest side of me.

 

I have not responded. All of my friends give the same advice, ignore it and move on.

 

So here's when everyone gets frustrated (maybe because everyone but myself realizes that he has nothing to offer me). Do you guys think, if he really DOES love me (which is what he insisted when he was breaking up with me), that even if I do not respond, he will try to contact me again in the future? If at some point he he decides he wants me back (which is not what he is saying in this email, and so thats why I am going to ignore it), would him thinking that I ignored him and never wanted to talk to him again make him give up?

 

Sorry, Invisible Touch, I had to ask . . I know you say it is irrelevent. I guess the fact that he mentioned regretting how he treated me in the past makes me hope that he has been doing some serious self-reflection and has the potential to change. :/

[InvisibleTouch]

Hi Starlight,

 

I think that in situations like this the victim would be prudent to judge the authenticity of the ex's intentions by their actions, not by their words. Sending emails and sms's is cheap and cowardly and very insensitive.

 

I also believe that in your case his actions, past and present dont bode well for the future and therefore dont warrant any response from you.

 

Has he the potential to change? Possibly but still he must show you not tell you. You have the luxury of not having to do anything which brings us neatly to your last question. If he genuinely loves you and wants you it wont matter that you dont answer his emails because he will come and get you - for sure.

[underpants]

It sucks....and for that I am sorry.

 

My objective advice would be to not respond and start moving on with your life as if he will never come back. I batted back and fourth a few emails with an ex and all it really did was prolong my healing. I finally wised up and put a stop to it, and yes, that was very hard to do.

 

I agree with alot of the advice given to you thus far and might just add that. How can he self reflect or learn too much in such a relatively short time and all the while banging another chick? Also, if it's summer, before going off to school somewhere, how serious can he be...really?

 

I know this is bothering you. Do you really ....do you really want him back? Or do you just want him to want you back? What do you think is in your best interest for the long haul?

 

You could do this, again I am not recommending it, but you could do this. You could write one short response to this email. I wouldn't mention how he hurt you or that you are sad and missing him. You could simply state that when and if he should decide that you are who he wants to be with, and if he can be the man you deserve, then to contact you. If you should happen to be available you may consider it. Wish him well and then continue with the NC.

 

I don't know though, this leaves the door ajar so to speak and again, do you really want that?

 

Good luck.