Could someone explain to me the dangers of....

[KaneNAbel]

Could someone explain to me the dangers of....

 

casual sex (other people other than the ex) as a coping tool?

 

talking to the ex to get answers because you didn't want details at the time of breaking up?

 

going somewhere you really wanted to go, but 99.9% sure your ex is going to be there as well with an outside chance of her being with her ex boyfriend at that event?

[MattNZ]

Kane,

 

I can relate to the last one no one no end! I live in a small town in New Zealand (10,000 pop.) so the chances of running into the ex are pretty good. I guess it depends on what state of mind you are in. If you have moved on and realise that you CAN cope without the ex then I wouldn't see it as dangerous. If, however, like me, you are still grieving and couldn't cope with it - I would stay away! As much as I would just want to get a glimpse of her, it would be way too much to handle I feel.

 

I also can't see a problem with the 2nd scenario, so long as you have both moved on. If you are still emotionally attached, then the conversation might not stay very civil and there is a chance you will lose dignity (if you are the dumpee)

[polywog]

K&A,

 

Casual sex... I tried to have casual escapist sex with a really sexy guy a few weeks ago. My ex has a new gf, maybe this helped inspire it. It just did not work for me (I am female, if that means anything). I mean, I thought about continuing to see where it would go, and thought it would be fun to have a FWB, but decided not to. My reason is mostly because if he started to see other women, even though I don't really care about him, realstically it would just add another blow to my already fragile soul. Not worth it, for me anyway, at this time. Plus I don't like using people.

 

Next question... I did have a heart to heart with my ex about why he broke up with me. I initiated the conversation. Oddly, though I heard some painful things, it actually helped me to heal. It was a nonconfrontational, kind of tender conversation. No fireworks. We'd been pretty much NC/LC for about two months when this conversation happened, so I'd had a little time to heal a bit. But I don't know if this is for everyone.

 

Lastly, you won't know unless you try to go to an event where she'll be. The anticipation might be worse than actually seeing them (though it will be hard and painful to some degree). That way, if you accidentally see them together you'll at least have had a "trial run". You need to live your life, not dictated by avoiding things you want to do because of your ex, at some point.

Trust your gut on this one, too. If you don't feel up to it now, then don't go. You'll be healed enough soon to be able to handle it.

[bchlvr]

Yes. Trust your gut on the third one. I went to an event where I knew my ex would be and at the outset, I was concerned that I couldn't handle it. But I went because I kept telling myself that otherwise I would be giving up my power, thwarting my attempts at moving forward.

 

What a mess. This was not a way to take care of myself. It has been nine months since our break-up. I am doing so much better than in the beginning months. I have had absolutely no contact with her all this time. Nevertheless, I am still too raw to see her, hear her name mentioned, etc. I think it's important to honor that and not try and push through it just to tough it out.