When bad news is really good news.

[CaliGuy]

Today I received a message from my Ex's mom. My ex got engaged on Christmas Day. Normally I would be upset and well to be honest at first I was.

 

Then came a huge wave of relief. It's finally over.

 

No more wondering about a second chance in the back of my mind. It's always been there, you know. I think we all dream of a second chance. In my mind as long as she was not engaged it kept a tiny bit of hope of alive for a reconcillation. I personally wish I had listened to the advice on Love Shack sooner rather than later. Had I done so I would have been farther along in the healing process. But I am thankful that I did listen because the news did not hurt as bad as I thought it would. I expected it and in my heart I knew it was coming.

 

I'm not here to stomp on your dreams. I just know that we spend so much time and effort on trying to win someone back when we should be focused on us and healing.

 

Another one is coming. Someone better for you. Keep the hope alive. I know I will. I'm not going to wallow around in self-pity or be bitter or angry. Whatever is God's plan for me, I am ready.

[Craig]

So, when are you going to stop being externally directed? That is at the mercy of events and your perception of events beyond your reasonable control?

[Krying]

You know I thought this same situation would help me. It didn't. First it was engagement = ok it's over for good. Then they got married and I was like ok you idiot it's definately over. Then the news came of a potential pregnancy that forced the shotgun wedding so soon after things ended with me. Yet despite all this, my hope of a second chance has only increased. Strange. I love my ex just as must now as I did when with her. I think of her constantly. I still havn't given up on her. I've gotten over breakups in the past in just one day. This one is haunting me. A very dear friend who I have not seen in 5-6 years saw me the other day. He said I looked like **** which I have to admit I probably do. He also confirmed that I basically have and am suffering from depression. I knew this already but I was still shocked to be told this. I guess my trying to keep it all hidden from everyone was obviously a failure lol. He did say it was noble of me to want to wait for my ex though. If you loved someone, and saw them get married to someone else who was a negative influence in their life, you naturally would want to help them. I can't, but I can be there in the end when her marriage falls apart. Clearly this is stupid. Yet it's the only thing that gives me any hope now. I would not turn down a chance with someone else if I happened to meet them, but I have so given up on that idea, waiting for my ex feels more possible even though it's ridiculously close to not going to happen, if ever, or if, years down the line. I mean really bad marriages can last years.

 

I'm happy for you Cali. I hope I wake up one day and have an epiphany and things get better. For now, I am where I am.

 

I want to have hope there is someone out there that is better for me. Yet when hope gets crushed so many times, "hope" ends up just being a fairytale pipe dream. I know God has a plan for everyone. We still are in the drivers seat though.

[Art_Critic]

But I am thankful that I did listen because the news did not hurt as bad as I thought it would.

 

I think that the reason it didn't hurt as bad as you thought it would was because deep down you knew it was over and you were on well on your way to moving on without her..

The news only confirms that she isn't the one for you...

[CaliGuy]

You know I thought this same situation would help me. It didn't. First it was engagement = ok it's over for good. Then they got married and I was like ok you idiot it's definately over. Then the news came of a potential pregnancy that forced the shotgun wedding so soon after things ended with me. Yet despite all this, my hope of a second chance has only increased. Strange. I love my ex just as must now as I did when with her. I think of her constantly. I still havn't given up on her. I've gotten over breakups in the past in just one day. This one is haunting me. A very dear friend who I have not seen in 5-6 years saw me the other day. He said I looked like **** which I have to admit I probably do. He also confirmed that I basically have and am suffering from depression. I knew this already but I was still shocked to be told this. I guess my trying to keep it all hidden from everyone was obviously a failure lol. He did say it was noble of me to want to wait for my ex though. If you loved someone, and saw them get married to someone else who was a negative influence in their life, you naturally would want to help them. I can't, but I can be there in the end when her marriage falls apart. Clearly this is stupid. Yet it's the only thing that gives me any hope now. I would not turn down a chance with someone else if I happened to meet them, but I have so given up on that idea, waiting for my ex feels more possible even though it's ridiculously close to not going to happen, if ever, or if, years down the line. I mean really bad marriages can last years.

 

I'm happy for you Cali. I hope I wake up one day and have an epiphany and things get better. For now, I am where I am.

 

I want to have hope there is someone out there that is better for me. Yet when hope gets crushed so many times, "hope" ends up just being a fairytale pipe dream. I know God has a plan for everyone. We still are in the drivers seat though.

 

Krying, have you thought about seeing a professional to get a diagnosis? I'm not saying it's wrong to hope for a second chance but after an engagement, marriage and pregnancy I'd say it's well past time to move on.

 

I will tell you the something that was told to me which I repeat often. It takes a while to settle in but really makes sense:

 

"Why would you want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with you?"

 

It took a bit for that to sink in with me. Because if you truly love and respect yourself you'll let those go who don't love you back the same way. I had to let my ex go but the hope of a reconcillation, even if it was remote, was always going to be there until she got engaged. Now that she is engaged I can truly move on.

[CaliGuy]

I think that the reason it didn't hurt as bad as you thought it would was because deep down you knew it was over and you were on well on your way to moving on without her..

The news only confirms that she isn't the one for you...

 

 

Yes, it's been over a year and she had been seeing/living with the guy she's been with since she left me so yes, deep down I knew it was over. However, the thought of perhaps a reconcillation was always there and it was that flame, regardless of how tiny, that really kept me from moving on completely and having a good relationship with others.

 

While I am dating now, I do not have a g/f. At least now nothing's going to hold me back from being able to give myself to the right woman when she comes along.

[notmakingsense]

Krying, have you thought about seeing a professional to get a diagnosis? I'm not saying it's wrong to hope for a second chance but after an engagement, marriage and pregnancy I'd say it's well past time to move on.

 

I will tell you the something that was told to me which I repeat often. It takes a while to settle in but really makes sense:

 

"Why would you want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with you?"

 

It took a bit for that to sink in with me. Because if you truly love and respect yourself you'll let those go who don't love you back the same way. I had to let my ex go but the hope of a reconcillation, even if it was remote, was always going to be there until she got engaged. Now that she is engaged I can truly move on.

 

 

Krying -- I thought the same thing when I read your post. I think you are suffering from a pretty deep depression. Explore professional help or even some type of group therapy. Once you can lift yourself out of the fog of depression, moving on becomes possible. I know, I've been there. While I am still sad over my romantic loss, I have a positive outlook on what life has in store for me.

 

Cali -- that's a great quote. I read a similar quote in a book that was phrased only slightly differently: "Choose to be with women who choose to be with you."

[CaliGuy]

Cali -- that's a great quote. I read a similar quote in a book that was phrased only slightly differently: "Choose to be with women who choose to be with you."

 

Yep, definitely. We spend so much of our time lamenting people that don't want to be with us when really if we invested the time in ourselves we'd be much happier. I know it's hard not to have regrets over the one that got away but think about it. The one who loves you as much as you love them is 10x better than the one who got away.

 

If someone really loves you they would never walk away.

[Mz. Pixie]

"Why would you want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with you?"

 

.

 

Exactly. I believe I probably said that!

[fooled]

Cali, my feeling is that you dodged a bullet - because she will cheat on him, too if she already isn't.

[CaliGuy]

Exactly. I believe I probably said that!

 

Actually my counselor mentioned it about a year ago and it's always stuck with me.

[CaliGuy]

Cali, my feeling is that you dodged a bullet - because she will cheat on him, too if she already isn't.

 

Dodged a bullet, definitely. I doubt she will cheat on him. If she'd agree to marry him then she's as into him as he is her. With me, she just wasn't into me and I was too blinded by love/lust to see that.

 

It's my own fault for getting into this situation in the first place. If something goes bad with her marriage then it's because she, much like me, did not pay attention to the red flags.

[Guest]

Why would you want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with you?"

 

i have nightmares about this one - lol

 

speaking of red flags - no fair - i'm colour blind

[notmakingsense]

Actually my counselor mentioned it about a year ago and it's always stuck with me.

 

I for one know that Mz Pixie has said it a long time ago.... to me!

[alphamale]

No more wondering about a second chance in the back of my mind. It's always been there, you know. I think we all dream of a second chance.

the only thing I dream of with ex's is having sex with them. I never dream of being back with them in a relationship. There is usually a reason why I left them.

 

I personally wish I had listened to the advice on Love Shack sooner rather than later. .

no comment

[Krying]

Thanks guys for the encouragement. The first sign of healing is knowing what ails you. The fact I know I'm depressed is good in a way. I'm not denying it, nor claiming it's not as bad as it really is. I'm grieving for a loved one. This will pass in time and I'm sure life will present itself as having a merrier outlook as each day passes. But for now, I’m going through a tough phase. And frankly I don’t need a therapist to tell me I’m depressed and prescribe me something to alter my mind.

 

cali, to answer your question...

"Why would you want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with you?"

 

I can't explain why I’m attracted to someone and love another. I'm not sure if anyone here really can nail it down to specifics. While it doesn't make any sense on the surface for me to want to be with someone who didn't want to be with me, not everything is black & white. This person did want to be with me, even wanting badly to be married. But her attraction and thoughts for her ex, were suppressed. She hid this from me and everyone else. Just like I am still in love with her, she was still in love with her ex, despite her telling me how utterly miserable she was with the guy. She was covered by a cloud of love/lust with this guy and was not able to think straight. For the first time in my life I finally understood why some women can’t leave their abusive husbands. They know that person is not right for them, but the attachment is simply too great to sever.

 

Understanding this, I knew there was nothing I could do to help her. I had no choice but to let her go and not fight for her. She forced it to happen this way as well. Once she dropped the bomb things were over (3 days after us going to shop for wedding bands), she didn’t look back. Any attempts of me to contact her via email, phone etc., where met with a coldness I had not seen in her before. In some ways I don’t think she was truly being coldhearted towards me, but was not mature enough to know that breakups and so on, can be handled nicely. I’m still great friends with many girls who I’ve had relationships with. But this one, felt the only way to get out was to do it this way. I don’t begrudge her for this, but do wish it had gone over nicer.

 

It’s certainly possible her marriage may actually work with this guy. But the signs are there it won't work. She left him to begin with. She was miserable, mentioned she thought of suicide (she may have thought of it, but I don't believe for second she was serious about it), and wanted out of the relationship. She had been interested in me for quite a few years. I knew of her, but didn't know of this interest. In some sense even though she was into me way before she hooked up with this guy, I was most likely the rebound guy. Though it only became clear of this after all the dust settled. I had helped her, her confidence had been restored, she was happy her life was in a better place. Yet, in the end she left me to go back to the "horrible" relationship she so wanted out of. How could I not care for her still knowing that she could possibly be making one of the biggest mistakes in her life. Right now, I can’t do anything about it. But if I’m still single down the line, and she comes knocking, I won’t be casting her out so quickly. In time, I know my attraction will fade. So I can’t say what will happen or how I will feel in the future.

[In Sync]

CaliGuy! You have written many chapters and will continue to write more chapters in your life..hearing the news about the ex's engagement only means that particular chapter is completed.

 

ONLY will someone please explain to me even though logically we know we're not getting back with these ex's WHAT IS IT THAT KEEPS THE POSSIBILITY in the back of our minds! There has to be some clinical or rational explanation. why we are functional human being who don't enjoy self inflicted suffering but this "in the back of the mind" stuff ..what is it? I occassionally think I wonder if I'll receive a message from him..will he someday contact me. Ok I know it sheer nonsense but what is it that keeps that thought there??!

[CaliGuy]

But if I’m still single down the line, and she comes knocking, I won’t be casting her out so quickly. In time, I know my attraction will fade. So I can’t say what will happen or how I will feel in the future.

 

Over time your feelings for her will change and you'll be able to move on, especially when you meet someone new. As long as you remember distinctly all the bad things she did to you and how cold and callous she treated you then you will understand that it just was not meant to be.

 

Just like with my ex. It didn't matter how much I loved her, what mattered is she did not love me the same way. She said and did some pretty mean things to me that really, I brought on myself.

 

I brought it on my trying to force something that wasn't there, by staying well past my welcome and by basically allowing her to do the things to me she did.

 

I only wish I was a strong then as I am now because I would most certainly have walked away from her and not look back. And when I think about how much time I wasted on unrequited love, it makes me angry. I could have been happy and probably married to someone else by now if my own myopia had not prevented me from seeing the truth.

 

The bottom line is God had a hand in this. He knew she was wrong for me yet I still tried to take my destiny in my own hands and without a doubt the abuse inflicted on me make look to be by her hand but in truth it was my own.

 

We do this to ourselves because often times love blinds us to the truth. We don't want to accept it and blindly lead ourselvs into oblivion.

 

As hurt as I am about all of this, I know it's my own fault for not having the confidence and self-respect to walk away when I had many, many chances.

[CaliGuy]

CaliGuy! You have written many chapters and will continue to write more chapters in your life..hearing the news about the ex's engagement only means that particular chapter is completed.

 

I agree. In my mind, I couldn't get to the next chapter of my life because I had left the door open a crack for her to come back. Too hard to move forward when we're still looking behind us, isn't it?

 

Well, at least now I know and I can move on completely. I know her and she is not going to get a divorce. She will marry quickly and that is that.

 

Chapter done!

 

ONLY will someone please explain to me even though logically we know we're not getting back with these ex's WHAT IS IT THAT KEEPS THE POSSIBILITY in the back of our minds! There has to be some clinical or rational explanation. why we are functional human being who don't enjoy self inflicted suffering but this "in the back of the mind" stuff ..what is it? I occassionally think I wonder if I'll receive a message from him..will he someday contact me. Ok I know it sheer nonsense but what is it that keeps that thought there??!

 

We still love them, that is why. They left us while our love for them was still strong. They walked away indifferent towards us. Those who truly love us deep down will not walk away so easily.

 

It is a smidgen of hope that acts as a gentle breeze fanning the flame, no matter how large or small until something drastic comes along and puts the fire out. Either we close the door on them or they close the door on us.

 

And IMHO that happens when either they get married or we find someone need to focus our attention on.

 

Believe me, I would love nothing better than to find someone who loves me as much as I love her. That would take 100% of the focus off my ex for sure. I want and deserve to be happy and well, since I put myself in this position only I can take myself out.

 

Do I sit around and wallow in the quagmire or do I pick myself up by the boot straps and be happy? I'm going to choose the latter of the two, bar none.

[In Sync]

We still love them, that is why. They left us while our love for them was still strong. They walked away indifferent towards us. Those who truly love us deep down will not walk away so easily.

 

It is a smidgen of hope that acts as a gentle breeze fanning the flame, no matter how large or small until something drastic comes along and puts the fire out. Either we close the door on them or they close the door on us.

 

And IMHO that happens when either they get married or we find someone need to focus our attention on.

 

Believe me, I would love nothing better than to find someone who loves me as much as I love her. That would take 100% of the focus off my ex for sure. I want and deserve to be happy and well, since I put myself in this position only I can take myself out.

 

Do I sit around and wallow in the quagmire or do I pick myself up by the boot straps and be happy? I'm going to choose the latter of the two, bar none.

 

You know what, from you and all others and even myself..who have shared your experiences of moving on and exposing your wounds from open raw pain to healing...I realize that it takes enormous time to move on. And I'm talking at least a year+ some. It's not wasted time because we've learned some deep rooted s*it and how to rise above it.. but there is one other thing I have to say. That ability that the ex's had to walk away from us...without sensitivity maybe I need to incorporate a little of tha in my life. Is healthy to be in the position of lingering and holding onto hope (as some have written on this thread to the point of depression or could I have stand to develope that muscle of being a little cut and dry coldness) Looking back over the year of hurting and all that pain I went through could it all have been prevented if I had not been so open with my heart and been a smidgen more sparing. Of course it's poetic to say one loves openlly and fully but, I am getting the impression those who have that cold capacity to cut and run seem to bounce back without all the lingering hurt. they get over broken relationships fast.

[Art_Critic]

Of course it's poetic to say one loves openlly and fully but, I am getting the impression those who have that cold capacity to cut and run seem to bounce back without all the lingering hurt. they get over broken relationships fast.

 

I think it does depend on much you had emotionally invested in that person.

 

I have always been able to move on fairly quickly.. even after a 5 year marriage.. but there was this one ex a couple of years ago..

I was so emotionally invested that it ripped me wide open and took quite a while to finally heal and move on..

It also took me a while to accept that she hurt me and didn't care that she left a wake of pain behind her..

 

It was an enriching experience and up till her I had never experienced that type of breakup emotionally.

I got the chance to learn more about me.. and for the first time since sobering up 19 years ago I had got to delve into myself as deep as when I first sobered up..

[In Sync]

...It was an enriching experience and up till her I had never experienced that type of breakup emotionally.

I got the chance to learn more about me.. and for the first time since sobering up 19 years ago I had got to delve into myself as deep as when I first sobered up..

 

this is the plus side of most of these closing the chapters on the one relationship that had such an impact on us emotionally...to learn about me. Shedding more self awareness and how I got to that point of feeling so emotionally wounded.

on the flip-side maybe because of that experience I don't think I will go that far with being so emotionally invested to the point I am devastated, I take away from my experience how did I get there...could being more "in check" with my feelings help prevent feeling that devastation if something comes to an end. Every emotion we indulge in that we let get out of control is not necessarily a good thing...I control my anger. I can see where when I am all the time sad that will lead to a state of depression. So yeah, I see how just loving blindly was a clear path to being hurt deeply when I ignore all signs around me....it can be just as unhealty that extreme.

[CaliGuy]

You know what, from you and all others and even myself..who have shared your experiences of moving on and exposing your wounds from open raw pain to healing...I realize that it takes enormous time to move on. And I'm talking at least a year+ some. It's not wasted time because we've learned some deep rooted s*it and how to rise above it..

 

I think the people who take at least 6-12 months to heal from being dumped are the ones who have learned the most and will benefit from the next relationship. Being hurt badly does scar us but in a way it's a necessary scar.

 

We're not the first to go through this and though we think we're in a unique position the simple fact is, we're not. Everyone at one time or another is going to experience heartbreak. I wish I had experienced what I have gone through when I was much younger so I would have the knowledge back then that I have now. At 37 I am starting to wonder if I am out of the "pool" of good candidates, haha.

 

 

 

but there is one other thing I have to say. That ability that the ex's had to walk away from us...without sensitivity maybe I need to incorporate a little of tha in my life. Is healthy to be in the position of lingering and holding onto hope (as some have written on this thread to the point of depression or could I have stand to develope that muscle of being a little cut and dry coldness) Looking back over the year of hurting and all that pain I went through could it all have been prevented if I had not been so open with my heart and been a smidgen more sparing. Of course it's poetic to say one loves openlly and fully but, I am getting the impression those who have that cold capacity to cut and run seem to bounce back without all the lingering hurt. they get over broken relationships fast.

 

 

The reason an ex can walk out of a relationship so easily is they actually checked out mentally long before they ended things. Usually they have someone else in mind when they finally end it. Up until then they hang around and feed us just enough to get their own needs met until the next "sucker" comes along. I call them emotional/dating vampires.

 

The red flags are there and we see them, we're just blinded by love/lust to notice. It takes some discipline but those with healthy boundaries will notice the red flags sooner and do something about them.

 

Though I don't always agree with Alpha, it's much better to be the one initiating the breakup than the one on the receiving end. Even if you don't want to do it but know it's best for you. It gives you a sense of empowerment and self-respect that money just can't buy.

[checker]

Oh god, someone please give Caliguy a clue. Don't let him go through the entire of 2006 having learned precisely nothing.

[CaliGuy]

Oh god, someone please give Caliguy a clue. Don't let him go through the entire of 2006 having learned precisely nothing.

 

Umm, Ok "Alpha..."