Younger guy

[daphne]

I recently started dating a guy who's about 8 years younger than me, against my better judgement. We look the same age, but I wasn't completely comfortable with it. We're at different stages in our lives, and I would have a hard time explaining to my friends why I'm dating such a young guy.

 

That being said, we got along really well and I hadn't felt as comfortable and happy with a guy in about 10 years as I did with him. We saw each other almost every day and started getting serious. It wasn't a crazy high school infatution. We got along and we were attracted to each other. He wasn't someone I would have picked out of a crowd to date but he was a nice guy and that gets me more.

 

He fessed up recently that he had been planning on moving since before he met me. It somewhat blind sided me. He outright lied to me and led me on. So I have stopped seeing him. He said he wished he had met me 6 months ago. I know he's hurting because it's rare to meet someone you feel that thing for, but I can't continue dating him when I know he got me involved under false pretenses and is moving. It was a pretty selfish thing that he did and I wouldn't have even dated him had I known. I still miss him though and I didn't expect to since it was early on.

 

Anyone else going through/been through this kind of thing?

[ddd]

Hi. Yes, I have been through something similar, although in my case, I was the one moving away. I did tell him on our second date that I'd be leaving in a few months' time and we still continued to see each other until I left. I guess he was hoping I would stay, and I wanted to, just couldn't manage to find a job and had to leave. Anyway, we continued long distance for a year and I had been planning to move back to where he was, but then suddenly, out of the blue, he broke up with me! This was 6 weeks ago and I am still totaly confused. Have you two talked about continuing long distance? Maybe the future is still open for the two of you. I don't know...its a difficult decision to make coz you want to stay together but you also want to minimise your pain at not being able to be together. Not much help I'm afraid, but really, its in your heart to decide what to do next. A word of warning though - LDR will be very painful and more often than not ends badly.

[daphne]

Hi D,

 

I'm sorry to hear that your guy turned fickle. It sounds like he met someone else to be honest. I know ldr's are painful, and I'm not open to that with this guy even though I see honst potential. The love of my life and I tried to do it for 2 years, together for 3 and we planned to get married. But we started moving in different directions and I realized that I had to let him go even though I loved him. To this day (8 years later) he still calls and I think he still wishes we would get back together.

 

With this guy, he wasn't honest like you were. His excuse was that he didn't know that we would like each other like we do. Copout. The only possibility is if he stays and I think he already knows this. I haven't spoken to him since I found out and I don't plan on it any time soon but somehow I feel we'll see each other again.

 

Did your guy tell you why he was breaking up? I know it hurts but the good thing is that you won't have to worry about running into him and you probably will get over it a lot quicker than if you live3d in the same city.

[helena abadi]

this is really deceitful behaviour. he should have told you, from the beginning, that he was moving. he was hurting you from the beginning. if he is feeling pain now, then...you sow what you reap. and if you are not seeing him, you are protecting your integrity and your heart.

[ddd]

Hi Daphne, yes, I am sure you will see each other. You see, with situations like these, I feel that most of the time people break up not because they are not suited to each other but merely because of the distance. And that's the most crushing thing of all - the fact that you care about each other but still break up, even though there was nothing wrong with the relationship. That's certainly how I felt. My guy broke up with me because he couldn't take the distance and needed me with him. He said that the distance made him feel less for me (although I doubt that - I just think he couldn't handle it - he, too was younger than me and quite immature). I don't think he found somebody else - he is not that type - I've been with cheaters before and can smell them from afar . I am sorry to hear about the love of your life coz I feel my ex is the love of my life and we have lost each other thorugh the distance...Would you not go back to him after all these years? I just think that with LDRs people never quite let go because the distance kills the relationship rather than a problem between the two people. I still believe that my ex and I will meet at some stage in the future. For the moment though, I see no reason why we should stay together, its just too painful...but we shouldn't part in a bad way either - I would like to leave the door open for if and when our lives do cross paths again. But, as he is quite immature, he felt the need to break up in not so nice a way...which I can forgive and will forgive as time goes on. When is your guy moving? I wouldn't give him such a hard time...

[daphne]

Helena,

I agree with you. I told him so as well. He's trying to get back in but he's not getting back in a second time so easily if at all.

 

D,

 

It took me some time to get over the LDR and when I was over it, I was done. He let me go. He lacked foresight to realize that he was never going to experience with anyone else what he had with me and that it was one of those things that doesn't usually come along twice in a lifetime. It's not that I haven't forgiven him, I fell out of love. People change dramatically when they're apart and I was already disillusioned with him so there wasn't much for me to go back to. Plus, although he's admitted he made a mistake, he never put himself on the line to make a big push. Who knows where I'd be now if he had.

 

I don't know when the other guy is moving. He came by when I was out last night and left a fully bloomed rose in my door. That's totally confusing. He's leaving and he knows I'm upset at him for waht he did, but he's sending me this weird mixed message that he loves me? Oy vay.

 

I believe if you go no contact with your ex and walk away with dignity, you'll hear from him again. I wouldn't look for it to happen though. You have to move on as hard as it may be. I didn't move on very quickly (took me about 2-3 years to get over my guy) and I regret lingering over it and wasting all of that time. Men don't come back when you linger. They come back when you realize you don't want them back. Funny how that works.

[ddd]

He obviously cares about you and doesn't want to part on bad terms. Perhaps he is hoping that you will stay in touch after he leaves...or he may not leave at all. Play it cool and see what he does. Let me know what happens.

 

I agree with you with respect to going NC with an ex. The tricky bit in my relationship is that I don't want to part on bad terms. In fact, I would like to leave the door open for when and if we do live in the same city again. I just don't know if that's the wise thing to do? My ex is quite immature and very, very sensitive and feels that I was the one leaving him in the first place (he couldn't get over the fact that I had to move). Perhaps you have some advice based on your previous experience?

[daphne]

Well, playing it cool was kind of tough. He showed up with another rose and we talked. Not really sure what the result was to be honest. He thinks we're ok again and I'm still confuzzled. He apologized for lying and admitted that he knew what he was doing and it was wrong. That he's undecided on leaving. I told him I didn't think I could go into it knowing there was a chance that he's leaving and he said if I decide not to break up that that would influence his decision. Now there's a commitment. Somehow though, I feel that at this point he's not pursuing just to pursue. I think he's afraid of losing something that we both know is pretty good.

 

As far as your ex, he ended it and it sounds like on bad terms. I think NC is the way to go at this point. It's counter intuitive to leave it open and allow them to be comfortable. They miss you when you walk away with dignity and without looking back. I think I fouled up by letting him back in so easily. I know I did because he doesn't get that I'm still undecided. I don't want to put the onus on you, but wasn't there some way you could have stayed and found a mediocre job until you found a good one? I guess from the other end I don't see why he needs to go because where I live there are plenty of jobs. And I can't possibly leave mine now since I have a really high paid job. Was there a reason he couldn't come to where you live?

[penkitten]

sounds like he didnt know at first how close you would become and how much you would like each other and if it would work out.

 

when he realised how well it was working out, and he is fighting some turmoil inside because he cares for you and is falling for you, he had enough respect for you to become honest, knowing you would be upset about it.

 

work thru it if you can, real love doesnt happen everyday.

 

he might not move, or perhaps if he does, you could continue seeing each other for a little while until he can return or you can relocate if it is worth it to you both.

 

i once saw a guy eight years younger, things didnt work out in the end, but thats a different topic.

 

real love doesnt get confined to certain age groups, and it sounds like you are both smittten.

[ddd]

Daphne, I think there's real potential for the two of you and don't worry about the age gap. If he said he would reconsider his decision to move provided you decide not to break up, then I gues he really is smitten with you (and vice versa). Love is very difficult to find these days and I wouldn't give up on it very easily. You being older and more mature are looking at this with a lot more caution than he is - he, on the other hand, seems to be rushing things and following his heart (I don't know how old you both are and how mature he is). I don't think you should hold back on this one too much, and if he stays (sounds like he might) then you'll have a great time and an even firmer foundation for your relationship.

 

As for my ex - he ended on bad terms but only because he is too emotional and too hurt that I left (its a long story but I didn't leave in a very nice way and broke his heart to pieces, which I truly regret). As for finding another job there - it was kind of difficult - my job at the time took me to that country (my country of birth incidentally),which does not present nearly as many career opportunities as the country I am living in now. I was just starting out my career and needed to lay firm foundations for my future and hence had to move back. Now I have a great job, which can take me back to that country again, the difference now being that I have laid those firm foundations and am secure with my career. As for him - he couldn't move countries because he is currently in law enforcement. I know we shouldn't be together long distance because it is just too painful for both of us, but knowing that I can, at some stage, move back to where he is, I just wanted to leave the door open for us in the future - so I sent him a neutral text last nihgt saying I understood him and why he broke up and he replied that in a warm manner, asking me to call him when I am there so that we can meet up (and reminisce about the old times). I know he has feelings for me, so I'm just going to go real slow for a while and until I move back there and then we can start over again if fate will have it.

[daphne]

D,

 

I get it now. It's totally understandable that you had to establish yourself. I'm surprised he didn't get that as well. Oh well. At least you had one final communication that sounds positive. He'll probably remember a lot of the good things now as opposed to being really angry about things. But I do hope that you mitigate your expectations for a possible future with him. Sometimes people really do get back together and it works out that they had time apart to figure out what they wanted. But it seems that more often than not this doesn't happen and disappointment can eat you up. I wouldn't wait around for that possibility. Live your life and move forward and if it's meant to be, he'll be there in the future.

 

The guy is actually pretty mature for his age and I'm somewhat childish for mine so it kind of works out.

 

penkitten & d,

I think you're both right. I'm going to relax and give him a break and see where this will go. I really haven't met anyone that I've clicked with in this way in 10 years and I would probably regret it if I beat a hasty retreat because I'm scared of getting hurt. Honestly, since day one I've tried to find one excuse or another to get out because I knew that I liked him enough that he could hurt me. It was just convenient that he made the mistake. I didn't expect him to come back so when he did I realized I wasn't the only one who realized the potential. I guess it can't hurt to just take it slow and easy and breathe...

[CaliGuy]

Men don't come back when you linger. They come back when you realize you don't want them back. Funny how that works.

 

Explain what you mean by linger, please!

 

Also, do you think women might be inclined to come back when you realize you don't want them back as well?

[daphne]

Hi Cali,

 

I mean that some women (and men) make the mistake of trying to be too nice and leave the door open in case the other person changes their mind. This does not usually work. I've found that what works with both genders is to remain aloof and move on with your life. No contact is the best way to go. It's very difficult if the relationship ended on a bad note and if the emotions are super charged tho. If the ending wasn't too negative, it's likely that your aloofness will provoke some curiosity at some point. This doesn't mean the person will come back to you unless they really like you and feel they made a mistake.