riobikini Posted December 15, 2005 Share Posted December 15, 2005 I first posted this as a reply to someone else but thought someone else might benefit from it. I can only speak from my own experience. My guy says he feels guilty. Why? I think it's because he knows I love him and he can't commit to the least little hint of a longterm partnership with me. He is just afraid. Commitment Phobics already know of their problem....(but YOU won't right away)...they deal with it all the time, in every relationship they form. They can almost tell you how the whole thing will turn out with each girl they date. That's because they have developed very sharp skills in knowing the stages leading up to the breakdown of the whole relationship. They have walked that road before ....and often. They have learned to read the signs of the (ever dreaded) impending "Let's Talk About Us" stage....and have learned to skillfully sidestep or derail any talk of where the relationship is headed. Women want to KNOW where they are in a relationship....whether most of us admit it or not, even the strongest, most independent of us need reassurance that we are not wasting our time with our partner and that our goals are similar. We need that in the back of our mind so that we can go on undistracted and give needed attention to the other aspects of our lives. But Commitment Phobics dole out reassuring gestures and verbalizations only to keep what they know they will eventually lose, for a greater length of time. They postpone the end.....INDEFINATELY. And if you are a 'giver'....look out! The Commitment Phobic will string you along for years! All he wants is his needs met. On his terms. I do believe that there are degrees of commitment phobia....the least description being 'cold feet', like the anxiety you feel before a wedding. That kind of fear normally releases itself and goes away. The dyed-in-the-wool Commitment Phobic, tho, will never make a good partner or husband and really should be getting therapy for his problem. One of the most difficult things I have ever tried to do (doing it now with my own situation) - is try to place exactly where he is at on the scale from 'low' to 'high' commitment phobia characteristics. It takes alot of info about the person to do this. Some display a few signs but are not true Commitment Phobics, by the time you gather all the info. Sometimes, it's just other problems kicking in their two-cents worth on top of a little relationship anxiety....and often, after the problem is dealt with, the commitment phobia symptoms disappear. Commitment Phobics always 'disappear'...in that they will often come to a point where they 'need time to think'...but don't get this confused with someone who is in love but just needs time to talk to him/herself about making certain they can shoulder all the responsibilities that will be forthcoming in a relationship that is deepening and has genuine potential for longterm. We do the 'break/take time thing' sometimes, so that we can be sure we can live up to all we want to do for the person we are in love with...we want to make certain that we can reasonably meet the future expectations. We also take 'breaks' from the routine activity in a relationship because we have come to realize that the person we are with does not meet our OWN expectations (ie character, morals,intelligence, lifestyle, personality, sex, physical appearance, family, health problems, financial, hygiene... etc) ...or the chemistry (spark, excitement) is not there. Taking a 'break' is one of the most dreaded things in a relationship and leaves both partners in a big gray go-nowhere zone til it's over and the envelope arrives. Whatever's in the envelope is survivable....perhaps, the result will be enjoyable...but no matter what is inside, just remember that you are LOVEABLE...now, tomorrow...and always. Link to post Share on other sites
joefin Posted February 12, 2006 Share Posted February 12, 2006 Hi, Im dating a commitment phobia who is taking some time out to think. He has admitted how much he loves me when it came to breaking up point. He is seaking professional help and reading you note was like reading our story: The dyed-in-the-wool Commitment Phobic, tho, will never make a good partner or husband and really should be getting therapy for his problem. ... Commitment Phobics always 'disappear'...in that they will often come to a point where they 'need time to think'...but don't get this confused with someone who is in love but just needs time to talk to him/herself about making certain they can shoulder all the responsibilities that will be forthcoming in a relationship that is deepening and has genuine potential for longterm. We do the 'break/take time thing' sometimes, so that we can be sure we can live up to all we want to do for the person we are in love with...we want to make certain that we can reasonably meet the future expectations. ... what advice would u give a girl in how to best support their partner going through therapy & trying to deal with his situation? He is trying his utmost to make the best decision what we should do break up & let me move on OR get back and develop the relationship further. His thearpy had been going on for about 3 months now and it is pulling us both apart. Im lost as to what is the best way to support him. Now i feel im just putting more pressure on him because i get upset by the thought of loosing my bestfriend & this is only frustration him into trying to overcome his issues faster than is possible i believe. He believes he loves me and has never loved anyone like this before. This is why he is putting himself through thearpy. He believes he wants to eventually marry & have kids but he has never let anyone into his life before and is pushing too hard i think to try resolve everything asap so as not to hurt me in the long run and ruin my chances of meeting someone else if he cant overcome his problems. Do you believe there is any hope for our situation? Am i pushing too hard by being around and wanting to see him - if so how much should i pull back. We talk on the phone at least once a day sometimes even more but how do i help him overcome this without pushing too hard and eventually loosing him? Link to post Share on other sites
notmakingsense Posted February 12, 2006 Share Posted February 12, 2006 My usual advice for dealing with a CP would be to run for the hills! But -- since it seems he is making a concerted effort to work on himself, I would make sure I was keeping a healthy distance so that he truly gets the chance to work on this on his own -- with no pressure -- and with the stark reality that you do have the ability to live a life without him. If you are hanging on too closely, it will serve as a double-dose of damage: 1st because it may be a source of pressure to him, and 2nd because it will be harder for him to comprehend the consequences of you leaving him. Link to post Share on other sites
Author riobikini Posted February 12, 2006 Author Share Posted February 12, 2006 'Ditto' on NMS's answer. -Rio Link to post Share on other sites
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