Need guidance

[OP080294]

Hi,

 

So I was in a relationship with my ex for almost 15 years and loved her a lot. However I got very close to a co worker and ended up sleeping with her thinking I was unhappy with my ex. I realise that it was me thinking with my and not my head, and I know I was being extremely selfish with my actions. So eventually my ex found out about this and split with me straight away. She has met someone else within months of our split and she told me. We've been split almost 8 months and although I am in a much better place, I still think about her a lot and still have feelings for her. I have been in NC mostly through this period and only get in touch when she contact me. I have used the time to evaluate myself, realised what a complete **** bag I have been and learned that I would never put anyone through that again, let alone cheating on them. I just feel like I have now kinda hit a wall with moving on and despite keeping busy with work, gym etc feel like I am constantly thinking about her and shes moved on with the new chap.

 

Sucks but I know I created this situation....

[Maddie82]

You've learned a very hard and painful lesson here. You destroyed a 15 year relationship with someone who meant everything to you. The wall is that realization. I'm not being mean when i say this, but i can't feel any sympathy for you and i honestly don't know how long it'll take you to move passed this, but you've had allot of self reflection and you understand what you did wrong. It's woken you up to the fact that you know that you won't do it again. Who knows if you will stand by this because you know what happens when you think with the wrong brain.

[Jowo]

Alright, you've made a huge mistake and your situation reminds that to you every day and people here will remind that to you as well.

 

Now looking forward :

 

1 - You are not hitting a wall, you are simply not getting what you are wanting. So even if you feel stuck in your emotions the greiving process is still happening slowly, one day at a time and that is simply to slow for people to accept. But you don't really have a choice.

 

2 - You can only be patient. I assume you are here hoping someone will tell you something magic and allow you to make progress but the reality is there is no such thing. You have to do like everyone else here : Grieve, get out of damage control phase (NC), feel good about yourself and then get back to work on your relationship if you still want to.

 

3 - If you still don't know what to do, it means you are not ready yet. Sometimes we get anxious by watching time go by and we are afriad to miss an opportunity and thats where people make mistakes because they are not ready yet and then it's back to square one.

 

4 - Take some time to think about why you did that and how you were feeling in your couple right before all of this happened. It's to simplistic to say I was thinking with my ****. There were emotions/reasons that led you to allow someone else into your head / bed during that stage of the relationship. Dig deep to find that reason and be honest with yourself.

 

5 - If you really love her then make sure she is happy whatever the cost is. If she is genuinely happy with someone else then accept that, it's the greatest demonstration of love. Take the high road and be that man after what you've done.

 

Now if you consider you can make her truely happy again and it's not about your ego (don't lie to yourself), considering what you've done, accept that it will be a very long and difficult process. Nothing will happen tomorrow, neither next week, neither next month. You are starting from below zero. Don't forget, even if you can't see it, she is also on a healing journey, let her take the time she needs to heal. During that time take care of yourself build slowly a simple, respectful, peaceful connection, make sure she is happy and be humble.

 

By the time you get to that point, believe me you'll know exactly what to do.

[schlumpy]

I guess your only hope is if she contacts you. Other than that slight glimmer the hallway is looking pretty dark. Keep working on yourself and trying to move on.

 

It may help you to write a letter of apology but don't send it. Put it away someplace and reread occasionally. If she does contact you ask her to forgive you. If she's able to do that maybe you will be able to move on.

[Beachead]

Hey OP080294,

 

Unfortunately, I don't think there's much you can do about what's already happened. It's up to her to forgive you now.

 

You feel guilt for what you've done and that's what's holding you back atm. Thinking with your d*ck might be the result of deeper issues regarding your relationship and yourself. In general, most people don't allow themselves to drift from their partner if they were happy in their relationship. There were reasons in your mind at the time for why you were unhappy in you relationship and consequently considered another woman. If you haven't done so yet, I suggest focusing on what those reasons were. This may help you forgive yourself.

 

- Beach

Edited September 16, 2019 by Beachead

[OP080294]

Thanks, some really good information and I appreciate you all taking the time to reply.

 

I guess at the time I though the grass was greener and it was fun exciting and exhilarating to be woo'd by someone else. Pathetic and naive I know and something I have learned the hard way. The thing is I know deep in my heart that I was not happy at the time hence I looked elsewhere for affection. However I should have communicated with my ex, taken the time to try to resolve those issues but instead I chose the stupid route and created a bad situation where I lost everything... I've always had to learn the hard way and I dont mind being brutally honest with myself about the situation and I guess I do still feel some guilt about it but I made a mistake and have to move on you say. Its hard as some days I feel ok and then others things seem to set me off. I find myself constantly reminiscing about the past which doesnt help and I have to remind myself to be more present minded. I dont see her ever coming back as I broke her heart and Its not something that would be forgotten. I want her to be happy and I am accepting that its not with me. Just taking each day as it comes I suppose and hope things will get better.

[Maddie82]

There is no excuse for cheating.

[Beachead]

@OP080294

 

I guess at the time I though the grass was greener and it was fun exciting and exhilarating to be woo'd by someone else. Pathetic and naive I know and something I have learned the hard way. The thing is I know deep in my heart that I was not happy at the time hence I looked elsewhere for affection. However I should have communicated with my ex, taken the time to try to resolve those issues but instead I chose the stupid route and created a bad situation where I lost everything... I've always had to learn the hard way and I dont mind being brutally honest with myself about the situation and I guess I do still feel some guilt about it but I made a mistake and have to move on you say.

 

You should keep this passage close to you and remind yourself of it daily when you get weak. Yes, you dealt with it incredibly poorly. That's obvious, so let's put that aside for now and focus on those two contradictory statements you wrote which I've bolded.

 

You said you lost everything correct? My question is, how can that relationship be everything to you, if you weren't happy in it? Unhappiness indicates you were missing out on certain things in the relationship. Why weren't you happy in the relationship? What events, conversations, situations triggered it. What were you thinking at the time?

 

Get deep into it and figure out why you weren't happy. You can write here and work it out.

Edited September 16, 2019 by Beachead

[d0nnivain]

You haven't quite forgiven yourself for cheating. Somehow you have to accept your responsibility for this & move forward. It will be hard because we tend to be tough on ourselves. But until you get there you will remain upset. Somehow you have to work through your guilt.

[ExpatInItaly]

Get deep into it and figure out why you weren't happy. You can write here and work it out.

 

I was about to suggest the same thing.

[Beachead]

@expatInItaly

 

That's all the better for the OP then . If people who respond to his thread share similar solutions, then that'll help him gain some confidence in the advice he's getting..or atleast that there is something worth looking at, in that direction.

[OP080294]

@OP080294

 

 

 

You should keep this passage close to you and remind yourself of it daily when you get weak. Yes, you dealt with it incredibly poorly. That's obvious, so let's put that aside for now and focus on those two contradictory statements you wrote which I've bolded.

 

You said you lost everything correct? My question is, how can that relationship be everything to you, if you weren't happy in it? Unhappiness indicates you were missing out on certain things in the relationship. Why weren't you happy in the relationship? What events, conversations, situations triggered it. What were you thinking at the time?

 

Get deep into it and figure out why you weren't happy. You can write here and work it out.

 

I think for me it had lost some of the spark and some of the fun it once had but after a long time being together is not unusual. So I started to think we were drifting apart and the other girl was new, exciting and into me. This of course was my ego being super inflated, and I thought and at the time I had feelings for this other girl but still loved my ex, as stupid as that sounds. The new girl was to begin with a bit of a distraction with harmless flirting that turned into something else.

 

Why was I not happy with my relationship? I was, I was just extremely selfish and became distracted at the attention I was being shown. My ex and I argued alot and felt more like friends at times. This new person was as I mentioned, a distraction and I thought the grass was greener and so decided to keep flirting and then slept with this girl. Of course my ex discovered my lies and established I had cheated. I dont condone what I have done, most people who I have spoke to can understand why she wants nothing to do with me. I completely understand this and to be honest I havent really forgiven myself for what I have done because it took loosing someone I really did love to realise what I had done not only to her but to myself. The only good to have come out of this is it have completely changed how I look at myself and how I will move forward with my life and future relatioships because I would never do it again. I know alot of people say 'Cheating is no excuse' and so on but I was weak and made a ****ing massive mistake. One that I will regret for the rest of my life but if it meant my ex goes onto meet someone better who makes her life amazing then thats one good thing.

[OP080294]

@OP080294

 

 

 

You should keep this passage close to you and remind yourself of it daily when you get weak. Yes, you dealt with it incredibly poorly. That's obvious, so let's put that aside for now and focus on those two contradictory statements you wrote which I've bolded.

 

You said you lost everything correct? My question is, how can that relationship be everything to you, if you weren't happy in it? Unhappiness indicates you were missing out on certain things in the relationship. Why weren't you happy in the relationship? What events, conversations, situations triggered it. What were you thinking at the time?

 

Get deep into it and figure out why you weren't happy. You can write here and work it out.

 

I think for me it had lost some of the spark and some of the fun it once had but after a long time being together is not unusual. So I started to think we were drifting apart and the other girl was new, exciting and into me. This of course was my ego being super inflated, and I thought and at the time I had feelings for this other girl but still loved my ex, as stupid as that sounds. The new girl was to begin with a bit of a distraction with harmless flirting that turned into something else.

 

Why was I not happy with my relationship? I was, I was just extremely selfish and became distracted at the attention I was being shown. My ex and I argued alot and felt more like friends at times. This new person was as I mentioned, a distraction and I thought the grass was greener and so decided to keep flirting and then slept with this girl. Of course my ex discovered my lies and established I had cheated. I dont condone what I have done, most people who I have spoke to can understand why she wants nothing to do with me. I completely understand this and to be honest I havent really forgiven myself for what I have done because it took loosing someone I really did love to realise what I had done not only to her but to myself. The only good to have come out of this is it have completely changed how I look at myself and how I will move forward with my life and future relatioships because I would never do it again. I know alot of people say 'Cheating is no excuse' and so on but I was weak and made a ****ing massive mistake. One that I will regret for the rest of my life but if it meant my ex goes onto meet someone better who makes her life amazing then thats one good thing.

[preraph]

I'm glad you have insight into why you did it. Relationships do settle down and get dull after some time. You have to want to be in a domestic relationship and have some interests together to keep things moving. I've not met the right person for that for myself, just how I am.

 

Thing is, once a woman has lost trust, she can never feel the same. She can still love you, but not like she once did, with open heart. The doubt will always eat away at her. If she's happy, leave her alone and move on. If she ever leaves the guy, you can suggest counseling for both of you and try to convince her you've realized the full impact of your selfish mistake and see if it's enough for both of you. It can just never be that free open heart giving and trusting there once was though, unless she's none too bright, that is.

[Beachead]

I havent really forgiven myself for what I have done because it took loosing someone I really did love to realise what I had done not only to her but to myself.

 

We're not defined by one action, though this world has a strong attraction to holding people hostage to their past, evaluating who they are today based on their mistakes of yesterday. The irony is, those who judge and point fingers don't realize there isn't one person on this earth that hasn't f*cked up in life, including themselves. Nobody's perfect and it is actually those imperfections, those mistakes, those failures that allow us to learn and grow wise. You might have known cheating was bad, but now you actually feel why it's bad. For temporary benefit, you hurt her and you hurt yourself and you lost a lot.

 

But although you can't change yesterday, you can most certainly do the best you can to learn from that yesterday and become better for the future. To change and grow better, all it takes is the ability to honestly admit your shortcomings, weaknesses and your accountability in what happened..and you clearly possess that ability (Many don't). The rest is just about working hard to correct it. Now if it took a loss like that to get your head straight, then this failure on your part, was not in vain. Make it count for something by becoming better tomorrow. That's how you make it right for yourself.

 

- Beach

Edited September 16, 2019 by Beachead

[OP080294]

Thanks,

 

For me the struggle every day is knowing shes falling for someone else and having to deal with those feelings. I take each day as it comes, some days I am good some days I am not... Seems to come in waves. I focus on trying to remain postive, not let me thoughts get the better of me and remember everything in life I am grateful for.

[preraph]

Console yourself that you are now a better person because you learned a life lesson and you are not lacking a conscience.

[Beachead]

Thanks,

 

For me the struggle every day is knowing shes falling for someone else and having to deal with those feelings. I take each day as it comes, some days I am good some days I am not... Seems to come in waves. I focus on trying to remain postive, not let me thoughts get the better of me and remember everything in life I am grateful for.

 

Sounds like you're grieving for sure. The pain does come in waves. But writing your gratefuls down is a great way to keep your mind focused on the good in your life.

 

My advice is to just take your life one manageable bite at a time. If you stuff your entire plate into your mouth, you'll choke on it.

 

Write out things you want to accomplish by the end of the year and set goals to reach them. 1 week goals, 1 month goals, a 6 month goal etc. The more detailed you get about what you want to accomplish and how you plan to get there, the better. And then, just concentrate on today and focus on how you can make it a good day. How you can get one step closer to your weekly goal. When you do that, you'll become caught up in that pursuit and you'll pay less attention to her and what she's doing.

 

In addition to that, take care of yourself, help people, especially the ones who love you. Read books and articles, explore, experience, learn. It goes a long way for your well-being and will help you heal. Especially when you come to realize 2-3 years down the road, you've become a much better person.

 

You'll continue to grieve but focusing on the things you can change, will give you more control of your own life and that will bring hope and confidence to you.

 

I've found grieving isn't about conquering your pain with strength. It's precisely the opposite. It's about not fighting. Letting it be and just going about your life. Don't try to paddle upstream back to where you used to be. Let the current take you downstream and steer towards the direction you feel is best in that moment when the river branches out. You'll eventually get somewhere and you may just like it. Hope that made sense.

 

- Beach

[Commongoal123]

It's probably worthwhile contemplating why you weren't happy. Maybe it had to do with your ex, the relationship, and/or something in your own life. Whatever it is; that is what you need to work through.

 

Or maybe you're just a selfish person and need to face that and explore why.