Undecided emotions/situation

[rizcat]

Hello ,

 

Im gonna try and make this as short as possible i have been dating this girl which i believe has BPD i read a lot about it and it matched out a lot of the behaviour , long story short we have been dating for a year and a month and i have been trying so hard been there for her all the time when no one else was, always showed up , showed interest in her personal life , fixed all the things i did that annoyed her etc.

 

After she kept pushing it and just wanted more and more i just was emotionally drained to a point where i was being more negative then positive i had enough, even after all i did i was being blammed and told that i am cold/emotionless/dont have empathy and everything, i kind of got manipulated to a point where i belived i was the problem i was convinced.

 

After another huge fight and repeating same behaviour i had to stop seeing her it felt to damaging and toxic , 3 weeks after NC we had to exchange stuff etc it felt kinda good seeing her and i know it was going to damage us both but things had to be transfered in a way we both wanted this to happen , after a long talk and being open and honest since we knew we were not going to see each other she tryed to act it all though like she had learned something from her mistakes and she was admitting that now she realized that she was the problem and blamed me for it all the time , also mentioned that thank god it happened atleast because now she knows the problem and she can work on it.

 

I kind of saw her regret in her eyes and how hard she hugged me and repeated that she feels so guilty she had to **** it up and the lesson will be of loosing me , in general i have no guilt because i know i tryed a lot and i never stopped trying until i had enough and i realize that its not possible for us to be together because changing behavior takes a lot of time and people say what they need at that moment to get what they want i know that much , and i know if we had to try again it would be good for a month or two and probably go back to previous behaviour.

 

I am just so attracted to her that i dont even imagine myself being with some one else i had a lot of attention with other woman i keep comparing her beauty to other people , my problem is my attraction to her if it will ever fade away i never looked at another woman the same way i did to her and i had other attractive woman by my side but this i can't understand why i know the situation would never work even tho she said she will wait for me and just wants me by her side i know its pointless , but why am i loosing my **** and just focusing on her looks, is this normal behaviour after a breakup?

[SumGuy]

Kind of normal if you fear you may never find someone as attractive again.

If you attracted someone attractive once you will do so again. People with BPD can be just as picky about looks as anyone, maybe more so if they are attractive.

 

 

If you've read about BPD then you know the mirroring and love bombing that can occur to suck you in and make you think they are the one.

 

 

You have already seen the mask slip. You may have already read that they can be so convincing because they believe their own lies, or they are not lies in the moment, but next week, next day, next hour, all bets are off.

 

 

You have probably read about the gas lighting and the goal post moving. You may have already read that the closer or more entwined your relationship is the worse it will get until they split you black, which is inevitable.

 

 

You may have also read that BPD is one of those disorders some consider untreatable (insurance companies included) primarily because people with BPD don't think they have a problem. Sure they will cop to certain "problems" but therapy can be for them seeking justification, and they are notorious for not being reliable reporters of their experience.

 

 

Or forget all that, if the behavior is toxic you don't need a label to break it off. Never let looks override how you are treated.

[Fekenaws]

"fixed all the things i did that annoyed her etc."

 

^This is the biggest red flag in the whole post. You NEVER change your personality for an S/O. Ever. Period. They accept you for who you are, flaws and all, or the relationship was never going to work. You can take solace in knowing this, you're relationship was structurally unsound from the get-go. Now you can find someone who blends with your personality more.

[rizcat1]

Kind of normal if you fear you may never find someone as attractive again.

If you attracted someone attractive once you will do so again. People with BPD can be just as picky about looks as anyone, maybe more so if they are attractive.

 

 

If you've read about BPD then you know the mirroring and love bombing that can occur to suck you in and make you think they are the one.

 

 

You have already seen the mask slip. You may have already read that they can be so convincing because they believe their own lies, or they are not lies in the moment, but next week, next day, next hour, all bets are off.

 

 

You have probably read about the gas lighting and the goal post moving. You may have already read that the closer or more entwined your relationship is the worse it will get until they split you black, which is inevitable.

 

 

You may have also read that BPD is one of those disorders some consider untreatable (insurance companies included) primarily because people with BPD don't think they have a problem. Sure they will cop to certain "problems" but therapy can be for them seeking justification, and they are notorious for not being reliable reporters of their experience.

 

 

Or forget all that, if the behavior is toxic you don't need a label to break it off. Never let looks override how you are treated.

 

That is all very true deep down i just know that we will go back to the same fights, and i believe that she means what she is saying, but as mentioned it just seems there is no way out , at a point she even used to say "Why can't i just be normal" and "Why am i so stupid" after an argument, i just can't swallow it down that something seems so simple that if you want some one dont do everything to push them away, just feels like im in a big cloud.

[rizcat1]

"fixed all the things i did that annoyed her etc."

 

^This is the biggest red flag in the whole post. You NEVER change your personality for an S/O. Ever. Period. They accept you for who you are, flaws and all, or the relationship was never going to work. You can take solace in knowing this, you're relationship was structurally unsound from the get-go. Now you can find someone who blends with your personality more.

 

Thinking about it it's true , i just never had a lot of relationships , i was just trying to take a step back everytime to lessen the arguments , i hear a lot of people saying that its normal to argue etc, and coming from a background where being misstreted is acceptable i always backed out when it happens to avoid the drama , and i know this is really bad and i feel actually disgusted by myself for even staying for this reason , but i stayed this long because sex with her was too damn good , its funny how i think i have self-control over this stuff but then i let someone mistreat me and shatter me just because i get to have sex with them .....