bobbytango Posted August 12, 2019 Share Posted August 12, 2019 Right. So I started dating a female friend last year. We've been close friends for 10 years and always used to have a thing but we've both travelled a lot over the last few years so haven't seen each other much. But we're both back in the same city and last year we ended up fessing up about our feelings and started dating. So it was great for a stretch and I do love her but we ended up arguing about petty stuff, nothing serious, just daft little things. Eventually she admitted she just wasn't up to a serious relationship right now, she's still finishing University and she's not where she wants to be mentally. I understood. She said she wanted to stay friends as before. I've heard and used that before so I figured we'd just end up drifting apart which would be a shame because we've been friends for so long. Funnily enough, she's been hanging out with me as much as when we were dating. She stops at mine most weekends, go for drinks, meals, hang out with our other friends. It's pretty cool. I noticed she wasn't dating or even interested in anyone else, in fact she seems to be getting more and more affectionate towards me. Eventually we ended up sleeping together again. And again every once in a while. We've talked about it and said we just need to get it out of our system but obviously that isn't working. It seems to be every few weeks. I love hanging out with her as friends but I have to admit I still have feelings for her and she's admitted she still feels the same way about me but she still can't commit to a relationship. She doesn't want to be with other people, she doesn't want to date at all but she still wants us to be as close. I get it because I feel the same way but I'm getting worried about how this is going to end. We've joked about the whole "If I'm not married at 30" thing but I think part of both of us actually mean it and I don't know if that's healthy. All of our friends still call us a couple because we're always together and heck we're even planning on going on holiday together twice next year (once with friends, once just the two of us). Everything's natural and easy with her and she supports me in everything I do from work to personal goals and I do the same with her but I'm not sure if that's normal? Do I just let it flow? I'm not expecting anything from this, I love her company. What do you think? Link to post Share on other sites
schlumpy Posted August 12, 2019 Share Posted August 12, 2019 It sounds very ideal if you are not looking for a exclusive forever relationship but if you are, this activity is going to kill any forward momentum. She has drawn you into a life style that she wants and hoping you will be satisfied with it. Is this what you want? Is this where you see yourself five years from now? Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted August 12, 2019 Share Posted August 12, 2019 I think a bit more distance in this friendship would serve you well. Make others see you as separate too. Be kind & courteous when you see each other but maintain that distance. Link to post Share on other sites
Flame Aura Posted August 12, 2019 Share Posted August 12, 2019 This is not going to end well. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Highndry Posted August 12, 2019 Share Posted August 12, 2019 I'm going to disagree with others and say that this may actually be an ideal relationship. There's not a lot of pressure and you two may end up very in love with each other and get married (though I'm anti-marriage these days). Link to post Share on other sites
spiritedaway2003 Posted August 12, 2019 Share Posted August 12, 2019 (edited) You're not friends. You want more, so you can't just be friends. You could let it flow. You should probably talk about where you two might be heading towards because it gets too far with spending too much time with each other. Otherwise, someone will get hurt down the line. On the other hand, that's what love is made of. Sometimes you need to be willing to take a chance for love and see where things go... No one knows. You know that you want more, so you have a higher chance to getting hurt from all this. But as long as you're willing...I hope it works out. Edited August 12, 2019 by spiritedaway2003 Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted August 13, 2019 Share Posted August 13, 2019 This is not going to end well. ^this^ NEVER EVER stay friends with an ex unless you have children together 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Fekenaws Posted August 14, 2019 Share Posted August 14, 2019 It's all good if you WANT to be FRIENDS with her. You don't though, you clearly still have feelings for her and you are lying to yourself. It's plain as day when you start talking about how she isn't seeing anybody. If you TRULY wanted to be her friend, you wouldn't even care about her relationship status, hell, you wouldn't even be posting here. I'm going to sound like an echo chamber for a lot of this site's posters, but being friends with an ex is a BIG no-no if you still have feelings. Being friendly is okay, it's not like she was a jerk to you so there's no reason to hate her, but being friends is different. An unfortunate truth is by the time you'll truly be ready to be just friends with her, you'll be so far over her and it will have been such a long time that there will be no point in doing so Link to post Share on other sites
Blanco Posted August 14, 2019 Share Posted August 14, 2019 You can be friends if the thought of her with someone else, be it a hook up or long-term relationship, doesn't make you wince. If it doesn't, even a bit, it's not going to go well. I've tried this before, and thought I could handle it. But when they start dating someone else and you are suddenly barely a priority, if at all, it hits you differently and you realize you were lying to yourself all along. Link to post Share on other sites
balletomane Posted August 18, 2019 Share Posted August 18, 2019 In some circumstances friendship with an ex can work out. I met my first boyfriend in college and we were together for three years. We lived together for a year after college. Our breakup was mutual - we realised we wanted different things out of life and the relationship just flowed naturally into a friendly housemate situation. Then we both moved to different cities for work. That was eight years ago. We stayed friends and he and his wife invited me to their wedding last year. However, the key thing there was that both of us had outgrown the relationship and we were ready for it to be over. There was no fighting or hard feelings. This is rarely the case with breakups. So unless you both want the same thing out of the friendship, and you aren't secretly feeling hurt/hoping for something more, you will need to be careful. Personally from what you've said I'd keep it courteous, but cautious. My most recent partner broke up with me last month. He wants to stay friends, but recognises it might be too difficult. It definitely is too difficult just now, because I care about him as more than a friend, and I'm not going to be at my ease seeing him with other people while trying to pretend that everything's fine over here. It stings, because we were friends before we got together (and in truth I miss that more than I miss the relationship itself) but I know I can't force it to happen and I'm only going to get hurt if I try. Maybe some day, but not until I can see him with another person and think to myself, "That reminds me - I need to get tomatoes and sweet peppers," as it says in the brilliant guide to NC thread. It's important to be honest and realistic with yourself about what your hopes and expectations are, and to act accordingly. Link to post Share on other sites
Author bobbytango Posted September 9, 2019 Author Share Posted September 9, 2019 (edited) Hey, everyone. Sorry for the extremely late response, been busy with work and everything else. I've read and agree with everyone's responses. I can see where a lot of you are coming from in saying I'm lying to myself about how I feel and I'd say the same if one of my friends were in the same situation. Interestingly, it's actually been her who's been acting more interested in a relationship. So the friend thing was going great and as one of you wise people said above, we were hanging out after I finished work and were having a meal when I realised how much I was enjoying hanging out as friends. We went back to mine, didn't have sex, just watched a movie and fell asleep. It's been pretty cool, we've hung out with our mutual friends who keep making jokes and are confused (but it's actually a running gag that they don't know what's going on). However, there's been at least two instances on a night out when my Ex lost her cool when another girl was talking to me. Another time, a very drunk mutual friend thought it was a good idea to tell her why it was good we aren't together and that it wouldn't have worked. She got very upset and ended up going home without me for a change. She messages me quite a lot and keeps booking things or the two of us to do which is cool but I'm getting a tad concerned at what she thinks this is. We've talked about it a few times and she's admitted she still has feelings but just wants to be friends. She's also admitted she can't help getting jealous every now and then and I've made it clear that I'm not going anywhere and want us to stay close which she seems happy about. As for the sex, it's died down drastically which is good (never thought I'd say that). It's happened occasionally, and the most recent time was pretty intense but she was about to go on holiday for three weeks so that probably explains it. She's away on holiday atm and I miss her but I think it's safe to say I miss her more as my best friend than I miss her as a girlfriend. It's actually pretty nice to have a break which she didn't seem to want but then again, I know she's gone with friends, some of which are boys and thinking about it, the idea of her sleeping with any of them hasn't made me wince one so that's good. Edited September 9, 2019 by bobbytango Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted September 9, 2019 Share Posted September 9, 2019 It's actually pretty nice to have a break which she didn't seem to want but then again, I know she's gone with friends, some of which are boys and thinking about it, the idea of her sleeping with any of them hasn't made me wince one so that's good. Wait until it actually happens. I wager you'll be wincing a lot harder than you anticipate. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted September 9, 2019 Share Posted September 9, 2019 So, by being her friend you don't mind her having sex with other guys? Do you have a problem being in the presence of her and a date? Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted September 9, 2019 Share Posted September 9, 2019 With the new information, here is what's going on. For whatever reason, she isn't interested in a steady sexual relationship with you. Don't know why. She is perfectly happy as things are, apparently, hardly any sex, and just being best friends. The problem is she thinks this is a whole relationship. She gets jealous if you talk to other women. If this mostly no-sex relationship with, as you say, bickering about little things, isn't what you're shooting for, having her around is not going to work while looking for a new woman. She's going to block it and make everyone think (they already do and she lets them) that you are a couple. So unless this is enough for you going forward and you want to commit and raise kids with her (even less sex after kids) then you have a hard decision and will likely have to cut her out of your life in order to have a successful relationship with another woman. Sad to say. Link to post Share on other sites
fromheart Posted September 10, 2019 Share Posted September 10, 2019 Well,its all what she wants right now. What do you want? Because if you're not getting what you want, you need to tell her to give you a call when she's on the same page and get out of there. I'd tread cautiously, she seems dominating and I hope she has had the integrity to check in that you are ok with things, the way they are. Link to post Share on other sites
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