Made Mistakes and got Dumped

[leafsfan1967]

Hi all,

 

I'm 33 and my ex is 31. We dated for 7-8 months and for the first 6 months it was great and we were both falling for each other. I've dealt with mental illness my whole life (mainly depression and some BPD), but it is under control and I'm on medication and it generally doesn't impact my mood. What has been a problem for me is I have in the past 4-5 years been addicted to gambling and in the past 1-2 years my drinking has picked up and I started to use THC pills. When I combine all 3, I feel amazing. But when I crash, and especially when I lose all my money gambling, I feel sick and horrible and just become a dark, very depressed person. Sometime crying, unable to get out of bed for a day. She saw two episodes of this kind of cycle where I became very depressed. But I did bounce back. I never did anything crazy other than just being really sad, and blamed it on the things going on in my life. She dumped me a few weeks ago, and I could feel her drifting after the first episode. Her reasoning is sound - she is scared and while she was falling for me and thinks I'm amazing, and she saw a future with me, she isn't sure anymore. And she is too scared to go back into something when those moods show up again and I become debilitated.

 

I feel absolutely heartbroken. I wasn't being honest during our relationship and was gambling a lot and drinking and that definitely made me less attentive to her and more distant - I just wanted to escape. I know I have to do the hard work to fix this, and have been clean for a few weeks now and while I've been getting help for years, her leaving combined with basically ruining my financial life and being in debt after winning so much, and pushing other people in my family away over the years, has left me at a breaking point. The positive is I've never felt more certain in my life that these activities need to stop and are the sole reason for the destruction of my relationships.

 

No matter how much I apologized to her, and said it wouldn't happen again, and pointed to actions I was taking to deal with my issues, she said she's unlikely to change her mind. It's been over 3 weeks now and I've sent a note basically apologizing and leaving the door open if she changes her mind.

 

I've thought about coming clean and telling her the truth - but I know that if I did that, she would run for the hills. Nobody, especially somebody looking to settle down, wants to get into something serious with an addict or a guy who doesn't have his sh*t together. I so badly want to be that guy, and I can be without these vices. I know how awesome I am and how loving and kind I am. I showed her that side of me 90% of the time.

 

While I totally shoulder the blame for pushing her away, I wish she could have communicated how she was feeling the first time it happened, instead of just bolting and not giving me a second chance. She admits she has issues in communicating her emotions - she's been told she has a good "poker face" and so this must have been brewing inside her for at least a couple of months. She's also not sure what she really wants in a partner (she works with a therapist to figure this out) and has had many intense short term relationships. She relies on her friends and family for input about who to date, whether to go back to someone, etc... I'm sure her family/friends told her to stay away when they found out about my behaviour.

 

I haven't "begged" for a second chance, but told her the work I was doing an assuring her these episodes wouldn't happen again. I've explained it as me having a hard time coping with emotions, but the reality is, it was my gambling losses that got me so down. Admitting that to her, while honest, doesn't at all help my chances of getting her back. I'm sort of being honest in admitting it's related to mental health issues and she knew I had debts that were stressing me out, and other issues (like my mom getting cancer), but didn't know about the gambling.

 

I've talked at length with people about this. I am so sick that I pushed somebody so great away. I don't blame her. I'm so sad. I think I hit rock bottom though and realized what gambling and drinking were doing to me and how destructive they are and how they push away people I love.

 

I'm getting the help I need. But she's back on dating sites/apps and looking for others and it makes me so sad. She's a very special person.

 

My goal is to keep getting better, but of course I long for her and want her back. My fear is, if I give her space, time and go no contact, she will find somebody else and move on. Or not change her mind. So I feel this pressure her to make her come back.

 

I feel like there's nothing I can do and I'm so heartbroken about it. I wish I could go back in time and realize if I kept that stuff up, it would drive her away and trust me I would have gotten it under control.

 

Like I said, I can't blame her for leaving, but desperately want a second chance as I am doing the work to get better and come to this sudden realization that this can't go on. I've never felt more in control of not pursuing these behaviours. Combined with my therapy and awareness of everything, I know this wouldn't happen again. But no amount of convincing has worked.

 

I am looking for advice and help on how to get her back, and how to cope with the loss. I know I have a lot of work to do on myself, and never meant to hurt her or bring her into a relationship being addicted - at the time I thought I had the thing beat and for the first 5-6 months wasn't even touching it.

 

Thank you. I'm a very sensitive guy so feel things intensely. Maybe being vulnerable and emotional scared her away too.

[d0nnivain]

Perhaps you need to get your gambling under control first. Have you tried attending GA meetings?

 

Words aren't gonna cut. She needs to see real change & that is going to take years. If she at least sees you attending the meetings & truly making the effort to address your issues maybe she will find it in her heart to give you a 2nd chance but you are going to have to prove yourself.

 

All of the 12 step programs suggest that unless you are married or already in a LTR you take a hiatus from relationships while you get yourself in order.

 

Best wishes.

[brownygoldy]

Sorry to hear everything you’re going through, it sounds like a lot.

 

I know it’ll be the last thing you want to hear but you need to shift your focus away from her and onto you.

 

With or without her you sound like you have serious issues you need to work on to get yourself to a stable place.

 

Think of it this way, if you were with her you’d have less of an opportunity to do that and you’d be hiding things.

 

I know she’s important to you and you have feelings for her but you’re more important to yourself and your feelings about yourself should be stronger.

 

Do you.

 

Go to rehab if you can and resolve your life.

 

Get yourself into a stable position for you and if you’re meant to be together you will be and if you’re not you’ll be ready for whatever is meant to be in your life.