Scaredtoleave777 Posted July 17, 2019 Share Posted July 17, 2019 I have learned that the treatment my bf has been giving me is considered emotional abuse. I've called the hotline and spoke to some professionals and there is no doubt in their minds. They said when you leave is the most dangerous time. They had a few suggestions but none of them are practical for me. Has anyone out there been through this? I don't think he will hit me but I can't put that past him either. Help. Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted July 17, 2019 Share Posted July 17, 2019 You need to assume it will get physical. He's abusive. You need to start sneaking your stuff out and do what the hotline told you and not tell anyone where you are for awhile. He'll show up at your work, so not sure what the hotline said about that, but you'll need to take some time off or at minimum be sure isn't following you home and call police if he tries it. You'll need an escort in and out of the parking lot. Link to post Share on other sites
Silver_star Posted July 17, 2019 Share Posted July 17, 2019 I haven't personally. I have had friends that did. What were the unpractical solutions that the hotline gave you? We may just start giving you the same information... I am not sure of the extent of the abuse you are dealing with to know if he would be dangerous, but if it is possible you need help exiting, and you need to hold strong that you are leaving. It may be dangerous, but it is dangerous to stay as well. Are you living together ? Do you have any friends you can stay with? Can you contact the police to help get your things out of the apartment? If you are afraid he will physically hurt you then make sure you are with at least one friend, and or police to escort you to get your items and leave the area. The police will likely tell him of the repercussions any further contact. You will need to be willing to disengage with your abuser. You need to remove him from contacting you. This is not a loving relationship. It is your responsibility now to protect yourself. Block his phone number, delete any social media contact, and be VERY clear that if he shows up unannounced around you that you will be calling the police and filing an order of protection. Depending on your situation you may need to already be able to file an order of protection. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Scaredtoleave777 Posted July 17, 2019 Author Share Posted July 17, 2019 thankfully, we don't live together. as for the loving part, he comes off as very loving but the "other side" also comes out every now and then and that's where the emotional abuse exists. It doesn't happen often, but often enough to make me anxious and depressed. I've broken it off with him a few times over the years so I'm expecting the same which didn't involve any type of physical violence but you don't know according to what I've been told. I'm also uncertain on timing. While I prefer to do it right now, I need to be in the right state of mind to do it since it will take a lot of strength. Link to post Share on other sites
Silver_star Posted July 17, 2019 Share Posted July 17, 2019 its a blessing you don't live together. That complicates things quite a bit. The best time to do this was yesterday. No matter what your partner is like on a bad day it shouldn't make you feel like you are scared of them. Ever. I would work on building up your self esteem. Don't allow this treatment or to feel that you can not get out, because you can. Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted July 17, 2019 Share Posted July 17, 2019 (edited) Oh, very glad you don't live with him. But if he's going to be hard to get rid of and you think he'll stalk you because he's monitored you in the past, you still need to be sure you get somewhere safe for awhile. Might be a good time to take a vacation, but don't tell him that. Don't tell him anything about where you are or it's just inviting him to keep at it. You need to put it in writing such as an email that you keep the copy of that you have told him you do not want to see or hear from him again. And then if he doesn't cooperate, you keep a log of when he's disrespected that and, time and date and brief description, and then if need be, you can call police and put something on the record and then file a restraining order. It's just a piece of paper, but once you file that and he breaks the terms, he can go to jail. It sounds like you've tried this before and ended up going back, so what are you going to do different this time? Edited July 17, 2019 by preraph 1 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted July 17, 2019 Share Posted July 17, 2019 Also, if he is the type who was real jealous and monitored you, likely he's put a tracking device on your phone or car, so you need to find out about that. You might ask police how to tell or a tech friend. But you can always just ditch your phone and change numbers and buy a new phone. You need to be sure there's not one on your car. I would think police would have one special person who might know how to do that, but not sure. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Scaredtoleave777 Posted July 17, 2019 Author Share Posted July 17, 2019 I went back because: I missed him and he did too and he promised he'd changed (but that had to do with another issue - lying). He seems not to be lying but because he wants to live with me so bad and I've been hesitant (for good reason), he has been more aggressive - ie, emotional abuse for several months. Never been in this situation before. Good points in your emails..Thanks! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted July 17, 2019 Share Posted July 17, 2019 If you have a father or brothers they will protect you. If he threatens physical violence get a restraining order against him. Just break up with him and keep your eyes wide open to your surroundings until he calms down. Whatever you do don't go back this time. If you always come back in the past he will be expecting the same so don't do it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted July 17, 2019 Share Posted July 17, 2019 People can't just change like that. Sure, sometimes they'll try hard for a few weeks, but they are always going to end up being who they have always been. Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted July 17, 2019 Share Posted July 17, 2019 You also need to ask your friends and family NOT to give him any info about you at all because he is likely to try to use them to get info or just get to you. So tell them up front, I am leaving and please do not even talk to him and I can't let him know where i am or my new phone number or anything. If they won't do that for you, they are not your friend -- and I have to say a lot of people, even parents, are stupid about that and think they're harmless and "love sick." But they're not love sick. There's no such thing. They're just sick if they're trying to stalk you or do anything after you've asked to be left alone. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
spiderowl Posted July 19, 2019 Share Posted July 19, 2019 I strongly believe that people do not change fundamentally. If someone has a nasty side, that is not going to go - why would it? If you go back to him again, you will be going back to the same person with all his faults - regardless of what he says. If you want to get out of this relationship, make it clear to him, in an email or text if you feel safer doing that. Tell him you do not want any more contact from him. Keep alert when out and avoid isolated places. If you think he could turn violent or stalk, then warn others who will be with you at work or family and friends, that you have broken up and that you do not want any contact with this guy. If you are afraid of him doing anything to you, let others know that you are afraid of him. I am sure friends and colleagues will have your back once they know. What is your real fear about leaving him? What are you worried he might do? Link to post Share on other sites
CoderPro Posted August 1, 2019 Share Posted August 1, 2019 I've been through that with my first husband - 4 years of it. He used to follow me, track me down... There are women's shelters across the country if you need a safe place to be away from him. Link to post Share on other sites
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