Break ups are difficult

[notthatintome]

I was happily married for 13 years. We split because he was an alcoholic and I had an affair. We had a wonderful relationship aside from his drinking and i really admired him as a person. i fought for our marriage for a long time before I gave up and i took the easy way out.

 

 

 

I fell head over heels in love with the guy I had an affair with. Looking back it was the dream i fell in love with and not so much him. I wanted a life that was free from alcohol (the guy i had an affair with did not drink).

 

 

I realised i am not very good with break ups and them being final. I seem to cling on even though it is not good for me.

 

 

I started a new life with this new man in a new town where i did not know anyone and far away from family. I wanted him and my dream that much and nothing could get in my way. But i felt so guilty about my ex husband that i felt i didn't deserve to be happy. After time and several times very heated arguments, me and my affair man split and i moved out. The parting argument was so bad that he became violent and visibly marked me. I moved out the next day. I don't think he ever truly loved me.

 

 

 

I have found that break up to be difficult. I had sacrificed so much to be with him and the dream was over and I was alone; battered and bruised. It has been a difficult six months to say the least and i still have residual feelings which im trying to let go but they are still there.

 

 

 

Since my ex husband has moved on and is happy with his new girlfriend and rightly so. I am that person who regrets leaving but i have to remind myself about how unhappy i was over his drinking. Seeing them together hurts. It made me realised my failings.

 

 

 

As soon as i broke up with my recent ex, I started dating someone new. A rebound relationship who i have become fond of, for whatever reason. I guess i see his broken parts in myself. We have been very on and off and two weeks ago he said he thought 'we were meant to be together' and that I was 'the one'. I knew this wasn't true as he had been seeing another women at the same time. He would break up with me to see her and then vice versa. You see i am now really lonely - in a town where i have no friends, family or a boyfriend and as a result i have accepted sub standard behavior. A couple of days ago this guy messages me asking 'if we are ok?' and that he hasn't seen me. I said yes and he said he was just checking. Since then he had distanced himself a little bit. I called him to see what was wrong and he said there was 'something missing' and that we were like friends. I agreed and i don't feel that obsession that i felt with my recent ex. I am very fond of him though and we both cried over the break up. He said he has been a mess since. I didn't want to split up with him, i was happy as i was, but ultimately we both know its for the best. How can he be such a mess when he thought there was something missing? Was he testing me? or has his insecurity got the better of him again?

 

 

 

It has been a relief to write this down. How can i be grieving over three exes at the same time? It is absurd. I really want to be with someone who treats me well and loves me inside and out. I want to experience love without pain or abuse.

 

 

During this time I have focussed on myself. I have never lost myself. I have hobbies, passions, lots of stuff i do in my spare time. But i am missing connection with loved ones and maybe this shows. I have never felt so lonely and rejected so much in my life. I have well and truly messed up.

 

 

I don't really know how to resolve this. Move closer to loved ones so i don't fall into the arms of the wrong man and accept poor behaviour? Or try to endure the loneliness to come out stronger. What i do know is i can't keep nose diving through life like i have done.

[ExpatInItaly]

I would stay single for a while and get to know yourself again. Work on your self-esteem, and that broken man-picker you seem to have. Getting caught up in the unrealistic dream of an affair is a sign you were avoiding confronting the deeper issues that were causing your unhappiness in the first place. In other words, it was a Band-Aid for more serious problems.

 

Would it be feasible to move closer to your own family and friends?