Lostinmyhead Posted June 1, 2019 Share Posted June 1, 2019 Hi all. Just need a spot to vent and any constructive replies welcome. I was with my highschool sweetheart for 14 years. We were engaged, lived together for 13 of those years. I have severe depression and even though i thought he would never leave, here I am. The first 2 months post breakup were a blur. I was catatonic, lethargic, and suicidal. 2 months prior to breakup I had gotten a restraining order against a coworker who was threatening to rape/kill me and another coworker had assaulted me after 2 years of friendship. My ex and I are both nurses. Needless to say, my depression consumed me and I resigned at the beginning of January. About 2 months post breakup, I downloaded tinder to just casually meet people in Hope of forcing myself out of the house and perhaps find someone to be casual with. It's part of my unhealthy coping mechanisms of which I have many. Within a week and a half, I met my current boyfriend who've I've now known for 2 months. We have spent every day together. It gets complicated. He is aware of my ex and my feelings, and has his own baggage. He is in the middle of a nasty divorce and has 2 children. I have none. I never agreed to marry my ex because a part of me knew it wasn't the right fit but...that's life. As for my current bf, he came on very strong. He tried to get me exclusive within 2 weeks, said I love you at 3 (I didnt respond for several weeks) and had me meet his wife so I could be around him and his children as he has 50/50 custody (they were separated longer and the wife has a boyfriend as well.) Thing is, I find myself falling in love with his kids. They love me. I'm nurturing, play with them, encourage them, and am helping my bf learn basic skills that are needed to take care of kids as his wife was a SAHM for the entire relationship. I feel like I'm mostly with him FOR his children.. although I do care about him. I guess I'm just getting worried. He keeps planning so far into the future and includes his kids in some of these conversations and it all was at warp speed. The logical side of me says this isn't "right" but...we are both selfish and don't want to be without each other. His wife assumes we will get married etc and even told their kids I could be there step mom... a month into dating! TL;DR I'm a dysfunctional mess and I'm involved with two dysfunctional parents and their attention starved kids and ... it feels good because it numbs my pain from my breakup but it's way too soon for all this and im wondering wtf is wrong with my current bf and I. Link to post Share on other sites
crispytoast Posted June 1, 2019 Share Posted June 1, 2019 I can't imagine how hard a breakup is after 14 years. My longest was 4.5 years and that took a while to heal from. With that being said... You just got given a chance to rebuild your life to fit whatever you want to do with it. You are around the same age as me and we are still young. There is so much to experience. I urge you not to get involved long term with this guy and his family problems. He is in a much different place in his life and there is not balance in the relationship. Get out now and go experience life!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lostinmyhead Posted June 1, 2019 Author Share Posted June 1, 2019 Definitely agree with filling the huge void... my ex and I were codependent and I see the same patterns. I've been in therapy for 10 years now and on meds and am normally highly functioning but the breakup and assaults left me hollow and hopeless. I know logically this is a bandaid...and current bfs wife is really taking a toll on me. I'm trying to work on my codependency issues in therapy and read a few great books but... we all know it's easier said than done. I wanted to discover who I was because I was always part of a couple...but I'm letting my fear of being alone and anxiety control me. I know what I SHOULD do... I just wish I wasn't so scared to face what I felt a few months ago again. It was deeply terrifying for me and my few family members/friends. thanks for the replies. Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted June 2, 2019 Share Posted June 2, 2019 You need to hit the brakes with this guy. and please realize that he may just be trying to get serious with you in a hurry so he has a babysitter. This is not uncommon. there is literally no reason to be getting serious with a person after 1 month and if he was a very good father you wouldn't have even met the children yet because this is who it is unfair to. You surely know better than this. you can't stay at those kids lives knowing you don't really have that much feeling for the father. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lostinmyhead Posted June 2, 2019 Author Share Posted June 2, 2019 I do know better. I do have feelings for my bf (Let's call him Shawn) but I've told him bluntly that I care for his children "more". They have forced me to not wallow and the days I spend with them we laugh and play etc. I'm attached and unfortunately so are they. They're young, 5 and 7, but they always ask about me, cuddle with me, and as I see them only with their father, I'm not a babysitter but i definitely feel like I adopted a step mom role 2 months into this. They are my concern. They show signs of separation anxiety already, worried when I leave etc. I'm upset with Shawn for pushing for everything so fast, and ultimately myself for not trying to slow it down harder than I did. The whole situation is a clusterf*ck. I rationalized that these kids needed affection and consistency from a role model and I've morphed myself into that. Ultimately, it will break multiple hearts...and I feel so guilty about it. Shawn is legitimately enamored with me and has done everything I could ever ask for. He's an 8 year older, father of 2 version of my ex and that's why I've selfishly held on. I know this isn't healthy and I know the kids deserve better...From their parents, especially. I keep thinking i can make it all ok (fixer/nurse logic) but obviously I can't. Sorry for the rambling. Logically I see all the red flags and issues, and that's not even taking into account Shawn idolizing me. I joked once that my ex was my heroin and the kids were my methadone... but it's closer to the truth than I'd otherwise openly admit. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
crispytoast Posted June 2, 2019 Share Posted June 2, 2019 You know you have to pull the band-aid off because the longer you wait, the more it will hurt everyone involved when you do. Then focus on self-care. Do things that feel good that aren't sex, drugs or alcohol. Keep on going to therapy. Maybe get a massage regularly -- I know this seems like it's missing the point but a good professional masseuse will work wonders. Join a club. Start working out with a private trainer. There's so many small things that you can do that will take up time, improve your life, and clear your energy of everything you've been dealing with. Your internal chemicals are all mixed up. 14 years is a lot to work through and it is just that -- work!! Putting it off by adding other work to the pile is just making it take longer to heal. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lostinmyhead Posted June 2, 2019 Author Share Posted June 2, 2019 Thank you Crispy. Your words motivated me enough to write short term goals for the week that are small but so important. I talked to Shawn. He's willing to be whatever I need him to be...which is unhealthy. I would like to be a friend but I don't see him being able to stop feeling romantically towards me. I need to get basic self care back...and rip the bandaid. Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted June 2, 2019 Share Posted June 2, 2019 You need to free him to find a relationship. what would happen if you stayed together as those kids would get super attached and at some point you and the father would get to know each other and realize you're not right for each other. he is seeking a woman out of desperation for his children and for himself and he is just hoping you are who he hopes you'll be. At some point that's going to break down and just like you realized already that he's not the one for you he'll realize you're not the one for him. meanwhile someone needs to have a serious talk with him and tell him not to introduce the children for at least 6 months or until there's an engagement or a commitment of some sort. It's cruel. and again I wouldn't be a bit surprised if it's not driven by his need to have a free babysitter. Link to post Share on other sites
heatherbliss Posted June 6, 2019 Share Posted June 6, 2019 Hi and thanks for sharing! I can definitely hear some overwhelm as well as a bit of apprehension. However, you seem like a very caring person and I know you have a big heart and a lot of concern for your current boyfriend's children. I do think you do owe it to yourself first to take some time and reflect over the past 14 years and your recent breakup before moving too far ahead or anticipating future plans with him. If and when you do decide to proceed with this relationship and allow it to grow perhaps towards marriage, you might want to consider exploring the benefits and challenges of being in a blended family. Counseling in this area is becoming more and more common and is also highly recommended. You both should be on the same page if you are going to plan a life together and I always feel that quality time spent is the best way to know if the relationship will work over time. Praying for you and wishing you all the best! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lostinmyhead Posted June 6, 2019 Author Share Posted June 6, 2019 Thank you for the positive outlook and reply. I do need to evaluate myself after losing half my identity of 14 years. Figuring out how best to approach the kid aspect...wondering path of least damage. Link to post Share on other sites
snowcones Posted June 6, 2019 Share Posted June 6, 2019 TL;DR I'm a dysfunctional mess and I'm involved with two dysfunctional parents and their attention starved kids and ... it feels good because it numbs my pain from my breakup but it's way too soon for all this and im wondering wtf is wrong with my current bf and I. Oh man. This kind of stuff happens all the time. I foresee you riding this out for a while until you get sick of it, and then you'll break up, and then you'll both realize that it was a largely unhealthy relationship and done all wrong by both of you. My only advice is that when you're done with him, only date men without children. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lostinmyhead Posted June 6, 2019 Author Share Posted June 6, 2019 I thought a hard limit for me was not divorced with kids. I see it as a life choice. I'm also seeing how he's tied down...I'm not. He has to stay in the state for a decade...has to juggle to get time to travel...etc. yet he has offered me a comfortable future...just have to throw everything else I expected away. I don't regret him at all, though. I never knew my heart was capable of love like I've have for kids. It makes me question my previous thoughts on having children. Thank you everyone Link to post Share on other sites
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