Had a break up over something I did. Is she over reacting?

[MrWobblyTickle]

Hey all,

 

My ex broke up with me a few weeks back over something I did and I am beating myself up but also being told by friends and family and 3 doctors that she is using it as an excuse and is over reacting and I did nothing wrong. This is a complicated one. Sorry for the long read.

 

I met her online this time last year and we were together 2 months before she ended it telling me she was gay and only wanted to be with women. When I first met her she said she was bi. We didn’t talk for a few months and after that only once in a while. Then she got back in touch properly in February. We arranged to meet up but she went silent when the day came. We picked up talking again a little later on and she invited me out for the night with her friends. She flirted with me that night and told me that later on.

 

We decided to hangout to see how things went and they went well. We had a talk about what happened after we split the first time. She said she had been depressed and cutting herself and that the being gay thing was a lie. She said she wanted to go off and be a hoe. We made amends and agreed to take things slow. She came to mine a few weeks later and we made out. Continued meeting up etc. She was somewhat reluctant to call me her boyfriend but eventually did. The whole time we were talking she expressed little to no interest in men. Was always talking about women and saying how attractive they are and she enjoyed eyeing up females. She also stared at a girl while she was with me. I’m not sure if she was over her ex who was a girl. She got excited after her ex saw a snapchat of me with the caption date night.

 

She made a lot of future plans with me and even mentioned marriage and adopting children as she doesn’t want to give birth. She would also send me pictures on her naked body. She did this last year too when we were together. Lots of naked pics. We discussed sex and she said she wanted it rough with choking and hair pulling. We also used to chat on the phone after she finished work and I enjoyed the phonecalls but she rarely asked about me.

 

I helped her move into her new place over one weekend and that went well and she was very grateful. Said she would reward me next weekend with sex. The following weekend I went round for 3 nights and left on the Monday. We had sex every night and it got more intense each night. She had me choking, scratching, biting, pulling her hair, spanking her etc and on the last night we even had anal sex. We went to have sex on the Monday but I couldn’t get an erection and she got pretty aggressive with me. She hit my penis and said “sort it out!” Which made it worse. I just pleased her with my fingers in the end.

 

Anyway I leave Monday night and everything is fine on Tuesday. Called me after work and was completely normal. She also told me she had been spanking a female co workers ass. Wednesday she is a little quieter than normal. She then messages me saying we need to have a serious talk. She said she woke up in the night and I was touching her vagina and she didn’t appreciate it because she was asleep. I said sorry and what had happened was it was morning and I woke up feeling horny. I put my hand down there to try and initiate intimacy with her to get her in the mood. I did it for a little while but after I got no reaction verbally or physically I stopped.

 

She said I had taken it too far and she now doesn’t trust me or feel comfortable around me. She said an ex did the same and it got worse from there. I apologised again and said now I know she doesn’t like it I won’t do it again. I asked for another chance and she said no. Then she asked me to leave her alone for a bit. I left her alone for 4 days and messaged saying we should talk about it. Hours later I get a message saying that I took advantage of her and she doesn’t trust me or feel comfortable around me. She asked me to leave her be and then said goodbye. Deleted and blocked me on Facebook and deleted on Snapchat. I haven’t been blocked on Whatsapp however. That is how we usually communicate.

 

My dad got fed up with me just lying in bed and not eating so he arranged a face to face meeting with her on her lunch break at work. She works in retail in a public place. She came and sat opposite me but one. Her body language was very off with me. She told me what I had done is the absolute worst thing I could of done to her. She said she had rather I had cheated on her than this. She also said if I had done this in 10 years time

or even if we were married she would have reacted the same. I said to her I think I deserve a second chance as I won’t do it again and that i’m sorry but she said a relationship between us isn’t going to happen. I told her how much I care about her and pleaded with her but still she said no. She said she could not consent to it but she must of been awake to be aware of it. Why not just move my hand away or say no?

 

I asked how her friends and family are with me. She said they want to kill me and her sister wants to smack my head in. Her mum blocked me on Facebook but her two friends haven’t deleted me. That hurt me a lot as I have always gotten on well with her friends and family and they have always spoken highly of me. They said I am disgusting. Only one of her friends apparently said people make mistakes and that I gave her a second chance. Didn’t seem to win her over though.

 

I then asked where do we go from here and she said lets take time away from one another to do our own things and then reach out to one another in the future. She said she forgives me and offered me her friendship. I accepted. She said it may just be the occasional “how are you?” and we will give being friends a go. I can’t remember the next bit word for word but she said something like “I don’t wanna get your hopes up but potentially in the future we could give things another go if the trust is regained.” Definitely something about giving it another go.

 

She then stuck her hand out for me to shake at the end but I wanted a hug. She reluctantly gave me a half hearted hug and then walked off and didn’t look back. I just got up and looked back sadly. Then walked off. Last time I saw her. No contact since. That was Monday 20th May.

 

Thank you to anyone who reads all of this. I know it is a lot but I wanted to get it all out because I do feel bad about what I did but I never did it with bad intent. I just wanted to be intimate.

Edited May 24, 2019 by MrWobblyTickle

[elaine567]

Its called "consent".

 

You over stepped the mark

I highly doubt any doctor would have told you you did nothing wrong...

[preraph]

Having sex with sleeping women isn't nice. It's fine to snuggle and see if you get any reciprocation, but just starting to diddle with someone while they're sleeping is creepy.

 

Sounds like she's pretty all over the place sexually anyway. Probably not the best fit for you anyway.

[ExpatInItaly]

You shouldn't have fondled her while she was sleeping, OP. Don't do that again to any woman. A little middle-of-the-night action can be fun when you are both into it, but that is not the way to initiate.

 

At the same time, I also find it concerning that you weren't troubled by her striking you in the junk when you couldn't perform. That is unacceptable too, by my standards.

 

Having said that, I don't think this relationship had a snowball's chance in hell of surviving anyway. She is clearly a troubled individual and very conflicted about her sexuality. I am quite certain she would have ended it sooner or later even if this bedtime incident had not occurred. It is going to be best for you to move on from her as the future you two fantasized about more than likely never would have happened.

[healing light]

This has got to be one of the oddest things I've ever read.

 

Your girl sounds like she is mostly into women and wants to make the ex jealous. She likes abusive/super rough sex which, while I know there are a lot of people that do, always gives me pause and makes me think there's some deeper pathological issue these people are trying to work out through the bedroom. Sorry, I guess I'm just judgmental like that because I don't see violent sex as normal.

 

So imagine my surprise when she's all up in arms about some fondling in the morning after all that rough sex--yet it's totally fine for her to emasculate you and smack your penis when you can't perform. There are men who fantasize about waking up to a BJ, etc. so I don't think it's too far of a stretch for a man to think that a woman might get in the mood with some fondling. As in, I'm sure you're not the only guy who has ever made this mistake and it would likely depend on the woman whether this was a violation (fondling is one thing in my mind, attempting actual sex while someone is sleeping or unconscious is more universally creepy to me). Honestly, for me, it would depend on how much sleep I had whether it would strike me as annoying or be welcomed. Now you know that it doesn't please this one and it's better to initiate any morning activities when you're positive someone is awake. I agree with preraph that snuggling and seeing if it leads to more is the best approach, but not initiating this way if she's actually asleep.

 

However, I do think this was bound to end like another poster said. This woman was either triggered by the ex like she mentioned or she was using it as her "out" and/or a combination of both. Her reaction strikes me as extreme after your apology, all the rough sex, etc. Also, I think it's telling that she thought it was no big thing to say to you how she was smacking co-worker's asses (completely inappropriate both professionally and to be doing while in a relationship) after this happened and acting normal for a bit.

 

I read this post to my mom and she laughed at the part where she got all offended by being fondled and said that this woman sounded certifiably crazy given all the rough stuff in the days prior for this to have offended her. It wouldn't have struck her as that big of a deal and she thinks she's using it as an excuse to get rid of you. She also feels that this woman was using you to provoke jealousy in the ex and help her with the move. After these things were accomplished, you served no further utility to her.

Edited May 24, 2019 by healing light

[d0nnivain]

While trying to have sex with a sleeping woman was a bad idea, this relationship failed because this woman is GAY, not because you groped her. She tried to be BI for you, but that wasn't working that much for her. After she hurt & humiliated you after your weekend of sex, I have no idea why you even stuck around.

 

Fact remains you broke up once before in part because she really isn't into men. You tried again but this didn't work either.

 

Let her go. Find a new woman who prefers men & likes you, without conflict, reservation or feeling like she's not being true to herself.

[MrWobblyTickle]

@d0nnivain...

 

I do see her side of it that she was sleeping but I was half awake myself and didn’t really think at the time. I have apologised numerous times. She said she forgives me and we might talk in the future but I will let her initiate contact.

 

Yeah I really think she is gay. When she got back with me she said that was a lie and she is now Pansexual. Her sexuality seems to change by the day. Her parents and friends were very encouraging of the relationship and her mum was particually pleased she was with me. I think it is outside pressure.

 

I should of brought that up with her that I didn’t like her hitting my junk but I never got the chance. This relationship was doomed from the start I think. I feel used by her. I accidentally gave her the perfect excuse.

 

Yeah I just need to find someone with no complications. I hope she finds a girlfriend who makes her happy. I’d cheer her on.

Edited May 25, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[MrWobblyTickle]

This has got to be one of the oddest things I've ever read.

 

I agree totally. Given what she is into I thought what I did was very mild by comparison and thought she would appreciate it. Unfortunately it backfired. I meant no harm or to make her feel this upset. I just wanted to be affectionate. I won’t ever do this again though as it can be a very polarising subject. People either call it sexual assualt or say it is ok. I have learned a lesson and shall remember it.

 

Yeah I feel totally used and ironically I was taken advantage of to help with the move and make the ex jealous. Also I think she was with me to keep her friends and family happy. They all really liked me from the last time. So that is why she possibily brought me back to please all of them. Her mum even brought me towels for when I stayed over at her place. I actually remember her saying to me her friends and family are way more into the relationship than she is.

 

Well all her friends and family think I am the bad guy now after I did this. So if she comes back in the future I can’t see myself being reintroduced into the group easily. If I do hear again it should strictly be a friendship. If I find out she has a girlfriend I will be pleased for her.

Edited May 25, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[The Outlaw]

Maybe she'll give you another chance in the future, but for now, just let her go. Don't contact her and start seeing other people. Do what's necessary to get her out of your head.

[preraph]

Honestly, she sounds like being bi is maybe a biproduct of just bigger issues underlying her need for rough sex and may just be an almost accidental part of her bigger picture that is just making her act out sexually.

[MrWobblyTickle]

Maybe she'll give you another chance in the future, but for now, just let her go.

Maybe she will but not sure how she would explain that one to her friends and family as they aren’t happy with me. Time is a healer though. I initially only wanted to be friends with her back when I saw her in March but she started flirting with me and it lead to all this. Yeah i’ve made a promise to myself to not contact her. If she wants to contact me I will respond and hope to have a friendship with her but nothing more.

Edited May 25, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Redhead14]

My strong suspicion is that this girl has a history of childhood sexual abuse. She appears to be exhibiting several affects of that kind of history. And, if she's experienced similar from others this is a very serious thing for her and I understand why she would be so erratic. You should keep moving. Dealing with this, if I am correct about the depth of the harm done to her, would be well outside of your skill set. I can spot childhood sexual abuse from a mile away and even over a keyboard. She may not admit to it, but I'd bet money on it.

Edited May 24, 2019 by Redhead14

[elaine567]

My strong suspicion is that this girl has a history of childhood sexual abuse.

 

Agreed......

Edited May 25, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[healing light]

My strong suspicion is that this girl has a history of childhood sexual abuse.

 

Yes, I also suspected this or a former history of sexual abuse in her adolescence.

 

I just think she has issues and they aren't a result of what you have or haven't done. I hope you don't wait for her because personally I think you can have a healthier relationship almost anywhere else. The dynamics here are all skewed.

[MrWobblyTickle]

My strong suspicion is that this girl has a history of childhood sexual abuse.

 

I really hope that isn’t the case and if it is I feel bad I may of triggered something in her by doing what I did. I was coming from a place of affection. What would you say are the affects? I can understand it too now if this is the case. Explains why she doesn’t feel comfortable around me or trust me anymore but I know myself and I wouldn’t do it again. Yeah I can’t do anything more now really. I best stay well away. She said she forgives me though and said we could be friends in the future so will have to wait and see.

Edited May 25, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[MrWobblyTickle]

I still find it strange how she waited a few days before she said anything. I thought something this bad would initiate an immediate response.

[Redhead14]

I read this post to my mom and she laughed at the part where she got all offended by being fondled

 

I want to say that this statement pissed me off to a spectacular degree. Unwanted and unexpected touch from anyone is never OK, ever! And, it doesn't matter that the "offending" person didn't think it was a big deal. What matters is that the person who was touched thinks it's a big deal. And, that is likely what set her off -- his cavalier attitude about it instead of apologizing and understanding.

 

It is highly likely that this girl experience childhood sexual abuse. That's very sad.

[MrWobblyTickle]

@Redhead14.....

Had I of known her potential history of sexual absuse or how this would affect her I would of never of done it. I came from a place of being naive and wanting to be affectionate. It was a mistake on my part. I have met her in person and apologised profusely and told her I care about her. I never meant any upset.

 

I hope we can be friends in the future but it depends how deeply I have affected her.

Edited May 25, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Redhead14]

@MrWobblyTickle....

 

It's not about you, it's about the experience. It's probably PTSD. If she avoids you and anything that reminds her of it, it will be further evidence that CSA occurred. Don't take it too personally. Under different circumstances, she may have been better about it. But, for the future, it's not really a good idea to do that with a woman. If you want to get things going when a woman is asleep, maybe a whisper in her ear, a kiss, etc., might be a better way to approach it.

Edited May 25, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[MrWobblyTickle]

@Redhead14....

 

Yeah no matter what i said the other day she would not take me back. I did say you’ve known me for almost a year now and you know I meant no harm and she did agree saying she knows I am a nice guy. So yeah I agree it was more the experience. She has blocked and deleted me on Facebook and snapchat but hasn’t blocked me on Whatsapp. I won’t take it too personally. Yeah I have learned my lesson and won’t do it again. It caused me to lose my girlfriend but as other people have said it probably would of ended sooner or later anyway given her complexity.

Edited May 25, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Redhead14]

it probably would of ended sooner or later anyway given her complexity.

 

Rest assured . . .

[emeraldgreen]

She's clearly an abuse victim. She cuts and wants to be choked and roughed up in bed on her own terms to control the way in which she is abused. When you made unwanted advances with your fingers (not cool btw), she linked that to the abuse she had no control over.

[healing light]

I want to say that this statement pissed me off to a spectacular degree. Unwanted and unexpected touch from anyone is never OK, ever! And, it doesn't matter that the "offending" person didn't think it was a big deal. What matters is that the person who was touched thinks it's a big deal. And, that is likely what set her off -- his cavalier attitude about it instead of apologizing and understanding.

 

It is highly likely that this girl experience childhood sexual abuse. That's very sad.

 

I agreed with you earlier that this woman was likely abused sexually and that's what I was alluding to when I said in my initial post that I think there are deeper issues people are trying to work out when they have violent sex.

 

That being said, how is the original poster supposed to know that touching this woman is going to trigger her when she requested a weekend of choking, biting, hair pulling, etc.? There is a bit of irony in it, I think that's why my mom laughed, because there was no way this man could have possibly known so it's a tricky situation. I would venture to say the issue of consent would not even occur to most people who are unaware of the history of this person in this situation (the abuse is speculation, even though I think the chances are high).

 

And while it's up to her to define whether it's a big deal regardless of the OP's intent, I just don't think there's any way he could have known and he can only go forward with that in mind in future relationships in similar situations. I think it would have thrown most men for a loop. He didn't give me the impression he was cavalier about it, either. He apologized multiple times and just didn't know.

 

Butttt, given the oddity of everything else that occurred with her orientation, the work comment, etc. I do think there's also a chance that she used this as her scapegoat to end the relationship whether it was forgivable to her or not.

Edited May 25, 2019 by healing light

[basil67]

The difference is consent. She consented to a weekend of crazy sex. She didn't consent to being fondled when she was asleep. If a man can't possibly know if it's OK or not, he needs to have a discussion about it. "Hey, how do you feel about being woken by me caressing your bits?" It's really not that hard.

[darkmoon]

anybody giving you that bad a time over a misunderstanding is not relationship material