Was led on for an entire year by a good friend, what do I do next?

[jessicalee123]

Hi everyone,

 

I met this guy about a year ago - we met at a party hosted by a mutual friend and I instantly took a liking to him. I was headed off to college in the fall, and he was a year younger, so he had a year left of high school ahead of him. This guy, we'll call him B for convenience, and I became very good friends over that summer before I went off to school. We were always just friends, but there was an air of sexual tension between us that no one could deny. When I went off to school, we slowly stopped talking and I was okay with this because my feelings for him were not that intense so I felt comfortable letting him go.

 

When I came back home for Thanksgiving break, the sexual tension had intensified tenfold and I found myself questioning if I had real feelings for him. I ended up asking him if our relationship was ever going to be more than friends, and he said no. I wasn't too upset, but I broke our Snapchat streak anyway and didn't talk to him again until I was home for Christmas break. I posted that I was giving a talk at a community event, and he responded to my post that he was going to be there, and he asked me to come say hi. I saw him there that afternoon, and everything was as it had been. I didn't break contact with him this time, and we ended up talking pretty much all day, everyday from Christmas until this May. We texted and snapchatted all the time, facetimed for hours on end multiple times a week, and truly started acting like a long distance couple based on the time spent communicating and the topics of our conversations. He promised that as soon as we were back in town we'd immediately start hanging out again, he reminded me how much he missed me, how pretty I looked, etc. We talked about being a couple and putting in the work for a relationship and how easy it'd be considering how we essentially were in one now. And he made it explicitly clear that we were going to develop a more sexual relationship this summer. Ultimately, I felt that I had locked down at least a summer fling with him.

 

I came home about two weeks ago and have since only seen him once. He picked me up from a party and we went to get food together - we were giggling and flirting and everything seemed exactly as I thought it'd be. I assumed the reason nothing further happened from there was because I was drunk and he was sober and obviously that'd be very inappropriate.

 

Yesterday morning, we were texting about things as normal. For context, just that night of the party, only two ago, he had told me how much he missed me and how he can't wait to hang this summer, and we had already formed plans for yesterday evening (pretty much dinner and sex). Essentially, everything was normal and I was excited. Yesterday, he was implying that he would possibly have to cancel because he'd made friends with plans. I was irritated because he'd done this pretty much every time we'd had concrete plans, and I was beginning to think he was only stringing me along for fun. So I decided to ask him point blank: where is this going? He told me that we were just friends and nothing was going to change that. I was so livid, sad, but mainly confused - wtf?

 

That night, when we were supposed to be hanging out but were alas essentially broken up, I made plans with some friends to go to this park that kids in my town hang out in. Guess who was there but none other than B, sitting directly next to his ex-girlfriend with a huge group of his friends that he talks **** about to me all the time. We walked past as we were going to sit further away, and we made extended eye contact, but he said nothing to me - not even a hello.

 

The second he left (not long after we arrived), he texted me to apologize, as I had told him earlier that I was just really shocked that there was nothing more between us. He apologized for leading me on. I was really upset, but I really value our friendship so I asked if we could remain friends and he said yes. I also asked if the reason we weren't getting together was because of his ex-girlfriend, and he immediately got defensive and said no. I believed him, but that almost made me feel worse because otherwise I have no idea how things changed.

 

Now, today, we haven't spoken at all since our awkward little "breakup." I keep going back and forth debating whether or not I should continue our Snapchat streak and keep talking as per usual. I'm worried that continuing to talk to him will make it harder for me to move on from my romantic view of him. Most of all, I'm currently pretty upset, but more at myself. Though he did lead me on for almost an entire year, I am the one that I feel is to blame for falling for it, even though I KNOW I did not read the signs wrong. I am 100% confident that he was implying a summer fling and possibly more, though I still feel dumb for believing it. Part of me wants to end all contact with him because he's flaky when it comes to making plans, I'll have a harder time getting over him, and overall he's got a lot more balls when I'm at school and we're separated by a few states. However, on the other hand, he's really fun to talk to and I've enjoyed becoming such good friends. The thought of possibly never talking to him again makes me so incredibly sad and the thought of never flirting with him and spending time with him in person hurts so bad. I'd also like to end on good terms in case we do reconnect at a later time.

 

My thought is that he's still immature. He hasn't gone out into the real world yet, and he's likely comfortable remaining in his comfy little high school bubble. He really is a catch, though. He'll be a hard one to get over. He's smart, incredibly attractive, kind, hard-working - he's headed to an Ivy League in the fall where he's a walk on for their lacrosse team. The kid has his life together, which is one of my biggest turn ons. I'm going to have a hard time letting go.

 

Essentially, I'm trying to decide what my next move should be. I'm also wondering if there's ever a possibility of us getting together in the future.

 

Thank you in advance for all of your help.

[Redhead14]

. . . cancel because he'd made friends with plans. I was irritated because he'd done this pretty much every time we'd had concrete plans,

 

. . . and I was beginning to think he was only stringing me along

 

. . . He told me that we were just friends and nothing was going to change that.

 

. . . He told me that we were just friends and nothing was going to change that . . . sitting directly next to his ex-girlfriend with a huge group of his friends that he talks **** about to me all the time

 

. . . not even a hello

 

. . . that he's still immature.

 

I'm also wondering if there's ever a possibility of us getting together in the future.

 

C'mon, sweetie . . . You're not a victim of being strung along, you've allowed and supported it by ignoring the poor treatment you'd been getting and your gut. You're complicit if you're still hoping for it to happen. Stop being in touch with him forever.

Edited May 20, 2019 by Redhead14

[FMW]

If he strung you along, and I'm not saying he did, it was with your full cooperation. Doesn't sound like he gave you any real reason to believe there was more than a flirty friendship between you.

 

There isn't any next move for you. It doesn't matter if maybe in the future you might get together (I wouldn't count on that though), right now it's clear he has no intention of changing how things have always been between you. Deal with the here and now, don't waste time dreaming about future possibilities.

[nolanola]

He might have a lot going for him (smart, attractive, etc) but he's really immature at this stage. He couldn't even say hello when he saw you in public? What? It sounds like you're looking for someone that has it together a bit more. You don't have to burn any bridges, but I'd put him in the "friend" box and move on at school. People change a lot in the first few years away from home, so you don't know what might become of him (both good or bad). He might grow up and be more suitable for you.

 

In general, when a man (or anyone for that matter) tells you that they don't see themselves getting into a relationship with you, it's best to take them at their word until their actions prove otherwise. This guy might have talked to you a lot and I am sure he likes you and finds you attractive, but he hasn't made any explicit moves to make you his girlfriend. A lot of times men will get into situations with women that are kind of somewhere in between friend and girlfriend and they have no reason to change this - they get to talk to you and have that closeness while leaving their options open to date other people. And a lot of times women let men get away with this, because as you say - he's a good catch. Or we like them so much and we want them to like us. We don't want to rock the boat or be "that girl". So we wind up in that in between place and the man gets the impression that he can just stay there without having to move anything forward.

 

I'd say stop talking to him (at the very least, stop reaching out to him, if he wants to reach out to you, you can decide if you want to answer), let him go his way, go your way and develop your life. If your paths cross again, then you can reassess.

[stillafool]

No he hasn't led you on. He isn't even jumping at the chance to have sex with you. You keep talking about what great friends you are but I'm not seeing it. I think you would do best to try to find a college bf who you can see in person. This guy is really not interested in a relationship and has voiced it twice.

[preraph]

Don't make anyone tell you twice they don't want you. If he had any notion that you might be someone he'd be interested in having for a romantic girlfriend, he never would have told you no the first time. He's not that attracted. He probably likes having someone after him because it boosts his ego, but if he was attracted, you two would have had sex a looonnnnng time ago. If a man isn't trying to have sex, he isn't attracted to you that way. Now, does this mean you have to feel bad about how you look? No. Something about you is not his type. Don't know whether that's personality or looks or how you dress, but it's something that doesn't say "sexy girlfriend" to him.

[Beachead]

Hey OP,

 

All year, you've made yourself available to this guy. All year he had a chance to lock it in but he didn't. People who are interested don't do this. They don't do things that can risk losing someone they like because they see a future with that person and they want to realize it with them. Therefore, they do anything they can to stay close. Although this guy has stayed close with you, he hasn't committed and for that reason I conclude he isn't serious or interested in comittment with you. It's entirely possible that this can change in the future as you two grow and mature but that isn't a guarantee and not a risk you want to forego your 20's for. In all honesty, I doubt very much you'll care about it down the road and I'll tell you why.

 

Your 20's is going to be a time of immense growth. You're going to meet lots of different people. You're going to catch feelings for others. You'll gain experience about how the world is (You can already see the difference 1 year made in your life). You'll have lots of ups and downs. It's going to change how you see yourself. It's going to change your ideas and the way you view world and with that you will change. You want the freedom to explore that to the fullest. He's going to change too with time. This is one of the pluses you have being young. You can dilute your heartbreak because your future will be bombarded with so many great experiences.

 

I thought I was going to marry a childhood crush long time ago. I kept my feelings to myself for 10 years. I finally got the courage to tell her how I felt one day, having reached a point of being tired of wondering what if. She turned me down and broke my heart. I didn't know what I'd do. It hurt for awhile. Then I discovered something crazy. Life went on, I met new people. And within those people I met, I met someone new whom I caught feelings for. By the time I got into a relationship with her, I was well over my childhood crush. When I saw her again, I just didn't feel the same way about her anymore. It seemed like a lifetime ago. It happens.

 

You're right, if you keep him on snapchat or social media in general, it's going to prolong the time it'll take to get passed him and heal. For that reason, I would take him off of social media altogether. If not, you'll see photos and videos and updates...a lot of which will likely be of him having fun and living his best life. It'll hurt you and generate anxiety and that will bleed into other parts of your life. Instead, put him out of sight and out of mind. Unfriend him or if need be, block him. It doesn't have to be a permanent thing but it should be something you should apply until he isn't your main focus and you find yourself enjoying life without his presence. This isn't to punish him or to manipulate him to see the light and commit to you either..it is entirely for YOU to help you mend your broken heart and get your mind back to a place where you are emotionally ready for a relationship when it does come your way with whoever it is.

 

Focus on your studies. Plot out your career. Spend time with your friends and family and people who make you feel loved and needed. Be open to meeting new people and just generally live. You're going to see what happens next. It'll be beautiful.

 

Cheers. Stay strong

 

- Beach

Edited May 20, 2019 by Beachead