Heartbroken

[Sarah1233]

So I’ll try and make it short.

 

My partner and I have been together for 2 years. He is the love of my life. I believe him when he says I am his. He has always seemed obsessed with me which was difficult. He has begged me for marriage and children and more commitment. Having been married before I never wanted to again.

He does have some problems of his own with depression etc and struggles a lot.

The last few months has been difficult. He has basically told me the lack of commitment is a deal breaker. Even so, we were working on things.

 

2 weeks ago he just vanished. No replies to texts, won’t answer the phone, nothing! In desperation I went to see him today. He just wouldn’t talk to me. All he said was he loves me. He text me to say he’s struggling and needs to focus on sorting out his head, then blocked my number.

 

I’m in limbo. I don’t know if it’s over I don’t know if I’ll ever hear from him ever again now. I’ve told him he’s the love of my life and I 100% devote myself to him and will commit right now. But now, I can’t get in contact with him, I don’t know if I should be trying to move on.

But I’m broken. My heart is literally shattered. How do I cope

[FMW]

If he continues to block you, for your own well-being you will need to consider the relationship over. Don't stay on hold in limbo waiting for him to snap out of whatever he is going through.

 

Beyond that, there is plenty here on Loveshack about getting over a broken heart. Read through others' posts, you might pick up something that resonates with your situation.

[Beachead]

So I’ll try and make it short.

 

To keep things in perspective, he cut you off and you don't know what's going on. Like you said, for all you know, you don't know if or when he'll come back or if you two are even still together and that puts you in a state of limbo. What a terrible position to be in. No matter what it is he's going through, he should have talked to you about it and really shouldn't have left you in the dark like this. It means, he's willing to lose you and it also means you are justified to walk away and move on and he can't get mad about it.

 

You love him so I know you'll hold on but that will break you as. At the same time, if you let go too soon, you may wonder if you made a mistake. So taking both into account, what I'd do is wait a few more weeks and see if he messages you. This way, in your conscious and your heart, you can justify you waited for some time and be okay with it. If he doesn't message you by the end of that deadline, you have to assume the relationship is over..at which point you have to handle this as a break up and do NC yourself. If you do, leave one communication channel open. An email, or your number.

 

I'm sorry you're going through this

 

- Beach

Edited May 19, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[preraph]

For all you know, he could be with another woman. That could be the issue he's trying to sort out. If it's depression, he should have told you and if it's this bad, he should be at the psychiatrist or hospital.

[Beachead]

^Unfortunately I have to agree with this. I wish I didn't but, given all the messed up things I've seen in my lifetime, I wouldn't dismiss the possibility.

 

Just to add something to my previous post..if someone can ghost me after 2 years of history, it's likely over for me. I've been put through the grinder by a lot of people in my life and I've come to realize how much time went by grieving them. Yes, we learn lessons and sometimes we can grow from these experiences but, at the end of the day, it's still time we'll never get back and we're only in our best years for so long. Our time matters and so does the love we have to give. When you trust our heart to someone, it's a big deal. You've given them permission to destroy you but you trust in them, that they won't. They therefore have a degree of responsibility and accountability towards you. It's not all on you.

 

This guy has really done one of the worst things a person could do to someone who loves them. The worst part about it is it forces you to now wonder if he might do it again down the road should you ever get back together. If it was me this happened to, I'd always feel unsettled in the relationship thereafter and therefore it would be very difficult for me to continue with them. Can't say for sure what happened with him but I know this much; An act of love on his part would have been to talk to you..to communicate, to seek solutions, because those that love you are committed to a future with you. They don't do this. They would know that ghosting would damage you and the relationship permanently. This guy's move doesn't reflect the long haul. It's extremely shady.

 

Again, for your own conscious and heart, I understand why you'd wait but as the outside perspective..I wouldn't.

 

If he contacts you again, he owes you a huge explanation.

Edited May 19, 2019 by Beachead

[Ruby Slippers]

It sounds like a tough situation.

 

The obsession, the depression, the struggles, then just disappearing...

 

I'm concerned that your response to his rather extreme behavior is to say that now you will commit to him. That just doesn't sound healthy.

[ExpatInItaly]

I'm concerned that your response to his rather extreme behavior is to say that now you will commit to him. That just doesn't sound healthy.

 

That struck me, too. Commitment should not be a fear-based behavior, but one based on true desire and compatibility. If you couldn't commit before, that's your prerogative. But to now say you're all in doesn't seem genuine. I don't believe your intent is malicious, but something tells me you would live to regret this promise if the dust cleared and he came back.

 

A few things could be going on here, none of which bode well. A) He truly is depressed and has reached the point of not being capable of maintaining a relationship, B) He is playing some kind of game to manipulate you into committing, C) He has met another woman and doesn't have the stones to be honest about it.

 

In any event, you do need to step back and ask yourself about the kind of man he really is. To simply disappear after 2 years with no conversation speaks volumes. And not good ones.

[basil67]

He told you that your lack of commitment was a dealbreaker and his behaviour shows that he's true to his word. You say that you were working on things, but it doesn't sound like you were considering committing to him at that time. If our partner wants commitment and we don't, then it's their prerogative to move on.

[d0nnivain]

If you want him back it will have to be on his terms: Marriage & commitment. If you are unwilling to give that security to him, let him go. Trying to hold him under your terms -- as things are with no formal commitment -- hurts him every day. You see your relationship as stable & good. He sees you not moving to marriage as a daily knife in the heart & soul; from his perspective you reject him over & over every day.

[nolanola]

OP, I have to agree with the other posters upthread. I know you're reeling right now and can't figure out which way is up so it's hard to see clearly. This is about choices, both for him and for you. He might not be a bad person, but he made a terrible choice, no matter what his reason is. Unless he's unconscious in a hospital or in jail (which we know he isn't) he should have had an honest discussion with you. Even if it's just to say "I need some space, I'm going to go off on my own for a while". But he chose to be incredibly selfish and to just cut you off. Love is not just something you feel, it's something you do as well. Or it should be anyway. For him to say he loves you is hollow if he can't also act it.

 

I agree with the posters that pointed out that he might be trying to push you into changing your commitment in the relationship, which is really screwed up if that's the case. You've made your position clear and if that's what you feel, he either has to learn to accept that or to gracefully let you go. The fact that you said that he was "obsessed with" you concerns me. This is not healthy behavior on his part.

 

I think, if you want to wait a bit longer to try to get some explanation, so be it, but give yourself a deadline. Whatever you think is appropriate. One week, one month, whatever. But after that, if you hear nothing, be prepared to let him go and accept that he is a coward who couldn't even man up to tell you that he didn't want the relationship anymore. But I also think, for me, I could never trust a man like that again. I would be always having one eye open wondering when he was going to disappear again.

 

I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this. Hugs to you.

[Sarah1233]

He messaged me today saying this -

 

 

Right now nothing is happening with us. I need to work on me. This is the first month I’ve solidly worked on me. Everyday this month I’ve had 2-3 sign ups. Apart from yesterday. Go figure.

 

Whilst I’m doing that, go work on you.

 

Please for now, in the politest way possible.. just leave me alone for a little bit and focus on yourself. You need to.

[ExpatInItaly]

He's trying to tell you that the relationship is over, OP.

[Beachead]

He messaged me today .....

 

I'm glad he messaged you. You needed that.

 

Being the recipient of a similar kind of breakup in my life, I'll tell you what I did, which I shouldn't have done. I held on..and it slowly eroded my well-being into dust until I was broken. I became a moody mess and co-dependant and pissed my ex off because I wasn't listening to what she wanted. She needed me to let go it was pressure for her (She was overseas in med school at the time. 100's of guys around her daily as well.) That pressure choked her and she felt like she wasn't able to do what she wanted to do despite breaking it off with me. It led to a lot of fighting and misery. Don't do what I did.

 

As hard as it is right now, proceed on the basis that it's over. Give him what he wants. Don't chase. Don't beg. It's going to be hard on you if you try to hold on so don't bother. That message is too vague and it would be unreasonable for him to expect you to hold on. But most importantly, it's unreasonable to expect yourself to do that. You therefore should not. Do what you need to do to make it easier on yourself and take this as a breakup. That means NC. It will take every ounce of strength you have to do this so put all your pain into it.

 

It's now on him to contact you should he ever. If he ever gets to a place in his mind where he wishes to, he will respect you for the space and distance you gave him though I can't guarantee this will make him return as a boyfriend. You shouldn't hold onto hope of that either.

 

His request is reasonable but in return for cutting you loose, he will need to understand that you are justified to do what you want as well without considering his feelings. That includes dating someone new should you choose to (Though I wouldn't for awhile). He cannot get angry at you for doing so.

 

You have to look out for your own well-being and interests now because he's looking out only for his now.

 

I know your heartbroken. Use LS to help you get your thoughts out.

 

Stay Strong

 

- Beach

Edited May 19, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator