Stromae Posted May 8, 2019 Share Posted May 8, 2019 (edited) Dated this girl for 5 years. Last few years was on and off as she would find bizarre reasons to break up but then we’d get back together. Not the healthiest thing but I cared about her. Now for the oddities. We are of different religious backgrounds and ethnicities. This never mattered to me but I do believe from the start it bothered her. She’d take me home to see her family and they knew we were dating but she never introduced me as her boyfriend formally through the 5 years. I’d tell her I love her and she’d remain silent or say she cares deeply for me but wouldn’t say she loved me back. New Years comes around and I ask what her resolution is to which she states to sort out her personal life. I found it an odd comment but didn’t press the matter. Now during the relationship she’d be fairly jealous of me talking to other girls as friends, but most of her contacts were males. I’m not the jealous sort and even though she’d tell me they liked her I didn’t make much of it as she was with me. More recently I’ve been 2 hours long distance for work but visited often on weekends. She said it was hard because she knew I’d be leaving st the end of the weekend. However she recently said she loved me (finally)- before soon after saying she doesn’t know why she said that and didn’t love me and if she did would feel more certain about the relationship. Now due to the on/off nature she told her colleagues we broke up but never said we were back together for the last 6 months. One of her coworkers was due to move towns but supposedly stayed at the same job for her - while we were dating. I found this odd and asked her and she said she can’t help what others do. I asked if he even knew we were together and she said she didn’t like talking about personal life at work. Recently she said she was breaking up permanently this time, she wouldn’t say never to getting back but it feels permanent. Said she can’t reciprocate my feelings and she’d be single for awhile while she sorts her life out. Said she would t marry someone unless she felt she couldn’t live without them. During the relationship she’d dote on her family while I would always take care of her. I then find out she’s been dating her coworker while she needed “space” and they now seem quite serious having met each other’s families etc on Facebook. She wouldn’t meet my family for the last 5 years saying I hadn’t brought a girl home before. Her coworker is the same race though different ethnicity if that matters and I’m not sure that it does. I want her to be happy and if she’s happy with him then good for her. Left wondering what went wrong. Many red flags for sure, and my fault for overlooking them. I still love her but feel reaching out to say so would only reinforce her decision in her mind. Tried reaching out casually a couple of times but was met with silence. Guess the only way forward is to no longer contact her and if she chooses to contact me it would be her choice. Can’t wait for something which is unlikely though at this time People have said she can’t just forget 5 years especially if I treated her well but it appears she has. Edited May 8, 2019 by Stromae Link to post Share on other sites
Marc878 Posted May 8, 2019 Share Posted May 8, 2019 She's being nice but this is over. Stop the needless contact. You're projecting your feelings onto her. I love her so she must love me back. Her actions tell you she doesn't. Link to post Share on other sites
Redhead14 Posted May 8, 2019 Share Posted May 8, 2019 Left wondering what went wrong. This relationship was never right . . . 1 Link to post Share on other sites
TheFinalWord Posted May 8, 2019 Share Posted May 8, 2019 (edited) Five years to figure out if she loved you? I have to ask OP, what caused you to want to continue with this relationship for so long? Anyone that says they won't marry unless they feel they can't live without the person is setting themselves up for disaster. A partner should compliment a person's already great life; not fulfill it. No man can "make her happy." She has to have some attraction to you, or why would she keep coming back? However, you allowed her to walk in and out of her life, treat you terrible, and yet you kept taking her back. That had to reduce her attraction to you. It makes you seem like you don't respect yourself. If you don't respect yourself, how can she? One thing I know for sure: a woman can't love you if she doesn't respect you. Edited May 8, 2019 by TheFinalWord 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Redhead14 Posted May 8, 2019 Share Posted May 8, 2019 OP, you need to count your blessings that this has ended now. The only thing that would be worse about the fact that you allowed this to go on for 5 years, would be if it had gone on for 5 years and 1 day. Move forward and start expecting/demanding better for yourself. It's way overdue. Don't be anyone's door mat ever again. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Stromae Posted May 9, 2019 Author Share Posted May 9, 2019 Thanks for everyone’s input Most people I personally know say the same things...she’s unlikely to come back but the question I should ask myself is why I would want her to. Been told by multiple people it’s a blessing The issue is that at the start of the relationship I was far more independent and not at all needy. I’m sure this attracted her but she said her ex boyfriends were different and over time would fight with me over being independent. Over the years i was slowly molded into who she thought she wanted only for her to likely lose attraction once I was no longer the challenge she had at first Will learn my lessons from it. Also think her views are unrealistic. I can not force or expect someone else to love me, but she stated that her feelings evolved into a deep connection and she missed the feeling of falling in love. Well with or without me that’s how normal relationships progress ... the honeymoon period fades and you are then left with the true relationship. Real life isn’t a fairy tale... it’s going to the pharmacy at 3 am because the kids are sick etc. Regardless as was stated better for things to end now than drag it out even more. Will always stay true to myself from now on Link to post Share on other sites
salparadise Posted May 9, 2019 Share Posted May 9, 2019 When you told her you loved her and she didn't reciprocate, even after some amount of time... that was your cue. Calling it quits multiple times, involved with other men; even though you cared and wanted her, you shouldn't allow anyone to create you like that. If the feelings aren't mutual it's better to walk away. I'm sorry for your pain. I hope the next woman in your life will love you as you love her, and will be loyal and trustworthy. You have to assess these things with some objectivity even though it's difficult. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted May 9, 2019 Share Posted May 9, 2019 For her this was a "filler" relationship. It suited her to stick around, but the background/race thing bothered her, she no doubt liked you but did not love you and she saw no future in it. You steamed on ahead, likely knowing in the back of your mind things were not that great, but choosing to ignore as you loved her. Eventually she meets a better prospect and she monkey branched onto him. It was inevitable. People who give off lukewarm signals are not people you give your heart to. Link to post Share on other sites
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