Is it immature and "sad" to cut out an ex from your life? Wonder how the ladies feel?

[onceupona]

Hello everybody.

 

I am going to get right into it. My ex and I dated for 4 years. I am currently 29, and she is 28. We were not friends before we started dating, but were very close during our relationship.

During the last 2 years it kind of got more hectic, a lot more toxic, and we were doing long distance, which kind of took a toll on us.

She did not meet me half way on certain things, she had phases of being "hot", and then "cold", and it grew me to become insecure.

 

Ultimately at the end, I asked her to move in with me as I had a stable job at the time, whilst she had just quit from her job. She refused to do so, which truly lead me to believe that she did not have her heart in it anymore.

 

We had the "talk", and quite frankly, once the emotions were settled, I think it was a blessing in disguise. As much as I did(do) love her, she was not right for me. She often triggered the worst in me, and never cared about how I felt about things. It was always about her, what she wanted, and how she wanted things, and never about how anything made me feel.

 

Fast forward today, roughly 10 months later, I decided to cut contact with her.

The first few months we would still chat from time to time. She is a lovely person, and I wanted to remain mature, however I realized that even while we were not together, she would always say negative things, or make me inadvertently feel bad about things, not caring or thinking twice before she said them. I couldn't move on when I allowed her to still make me feel like crap.

I simply don't indulge in any conversations with her.

It took me a LONG time to stop stalking her, and admittedly I still get tempted to do it, but resist.

I noticed that stalking her made me feel worse, it becomes obsessive, and it kept me from moving on.

I did not "block" her from Instagram, however I have "muted" her. She probably thinks I am just not "liking" her photos, not knowing I am never looking at them in the first place.

I don't ask how she is, I never initiate a conversation, and it is as though she does not exist.

I think about her often, much less than I used to, and I am moving on slowly. It hurts a lot less, I also know I would not get back with her even if she came back (even though I would really love to).

 

I am simply doing it because I don't want to make life harder for myself.

Should I be reaching out once in a while just to make sure she is okay? She did and does mean to me a lot, whether or not she deserves that from me. Or should I continue as I am? I don't want to be immature, but I also want to do whats best for me. She certainly didn't care about what was best for me, and thats her fault. But if I also don't care about whats best for me, that will be on me..

I have some friends that chat and remain buddies with their exes, and I cannot fathom how they do it so quickly after a breakup.

 

Would love your insights. Thank you!

[SevenCity]

You are mature and doing the right thing. Don’t contact, don’t respond if she does.

 

The relationship is over and you owe her nothing.

[Cersei]

Great job. Keep it up. You 100 percent are doing the right thing.

 

No need to keep in touch out of guilt.

[elaine567]

I have some friends that chat and remain buddies with their exes, and I cannot fathom how they do it so quickly after a breakup.

 

People (usually the dumper), who are no longer emotionally invested in their ex can easily be friends. They don't want "more", they are not heartbroken or pining for the "good times" and they don't want to get back into the relationship either.

They don't get hurt as they are essentially "over it".

 

You are not "over it" so being friends is not good for you.

No contact is your best friend

[onceupona]

You are mature and doing the right thing. Don’t contact, don’t respond if she does.

 

The relationship is over and you owe her nothing.

 

Thank you!

[onceupona]

Great job. Keep it up. You 100 percent are doing the right thing.

 

No need to keep in touch out of guilt.

 

Thank you for the reassurance. I am not sure if it is guilt, or just that I feel like the right things to do is to ask about her as she had a very special place in my life at the time.

I do appreciate the assurance, thank you.

[onceupona]

People (usually the dumper), who are no longer emotionally invested in their ex can easily be friends. They don't want "more", they are not heartbroken or pining for the "good times" and they don't want to get back into the relationship either.

They don't get hurt as they are essentially "over it".

 

You are not "over it" so being friends is not good for you.

No contact is your best friend

 

Appreciate the response.

It was quiet confusing as she often came back showing interest, she said that she loved me dearly. I could never tell whether she was confused, or whether she was just a very conflicted person.

She was however someone that was never happy with anything in life, that is for sure. She never saw the bright side in things, and always found an excuse to why she is being negative, or something to blame her negativity on.

 

I was going to block her on instagram, but I really prefer to take the most mature way. I figure "muting" her offers the same, and still keeps me rational. I do not want her to think that I am in love with her, nor that she controls anything in my life. I refuse to let her hurt me like she did, and that's what I keep reminding myself every time I have an urge to stalk her or see what she is up to.

 

No contact continues, and will continue!

[BC1980]

It's not sad or immature. It's just what you do to move on. It seems weird at first because it's hard to go from sharing everything to not talking. So it's natural for people to keep in sporadic contact or follow on social media. It's part of negotiating how to detach from someone. At some point, you realize that keeping in contact with an ex keeps you in the past.

 

You can't move on that way. If it helps, know that you will eventually stop talking to her naturally at some point. You're just speeding up the process, so you can move on faster. It's kind of like the old saying- you can do this the hard way or the easy way. You can draw it out or go ahead and be done with it.

[BC1980]

Appreciate the response.

It was quiet confusing as she often came back showing interest, she said that she loved me dearly. I could never tell whether she was confused, or whether she was just a very conflicted person!

 

I think it's just hard to break up with someone you've been with for a significant amount of time. Dumpers go through their own process, which is why they want to stay in contact, will still say they love you, or say they don't know what could happen in the future. They're trying to come to terms with an ending too. The problem comes when you are both trying to come to terms with the end while in contact.

[preraph]

It's 100% good that you realized you had obsessive tendencies that can get you into trouble and chose to control yourself. It is perfectly fine to end contact with exes as long as you don't have children together. It's perfectly healthy. Contact will only keep you stirred up and focused.

[Art_Critic]

It's perfectly healthy.

 

Yeah.. not sad or immature.. just perfectly healthy

 

You sound like you have your feet on the ground, now it's time to take what you learned and apply it to someone positive in your life.. next

[Blanco]

It's the right move. It hurts now, but that hurt will continue to linger as long as you're in contact with her. You'll feel like you're in this constant state of stasis, never fully detaching emotionally from her.

 

I listened to this podcast the other day that made a great point about this post-breakup dynamic. There's almost always a power differential, meaning one person cares much less than the other. That's usually the dumper. For them, talking/texting, hanging out, maybe even sleeping together once in a while, isn't really that big of a deal, because they aren't interested in more.

 

For the other person who maybe wants to get back together or at least feels a real sense of loss from the breakup, those same interactions mean infinitely more. A simple text message makes your heart flutter. Spending time together feels like a way to maybe make them remember what they're missing. Sleeping together... well, that goes without saying.

 

Bottom line is that this just doesn't work out long-term, because one person continues to feel this sense of hurt and frustration,while the other is content to fill time with these activities until something/someone else comes along, at which point, they're the ones who cut things off.

[d0nnivain]

Should I be reaching out once in a while just to make sure she is okay?

 

Absolutely not. She's your EX. She is out of your life. Leave her there.

 

I do not keep tabs on any of my EXs including one I lived with for 10 years. If I bump into him I am pleasant & we do a quick 10 minute catch up but there is no going out of your way to touch base. Through mutual friends we were each informed when the other's parents died & we sent cards because those parents had been part of our lives too but that was it.

 

All that is required is civil politeness when you bump into the other one. The fact that you have to ability to stay connected to an EX through social media does not make it a good idea to do so.

[Blanco]

An important thing to remember is that if someone doesn't want all of you, they aren't entitled to pick and choose the parts of you they do want.

[onceupona]

Thank you all for reassuring me.

 

An important thing to remember is that if someone doesn't want all of you, they aren't entitled to pick and choose the parts of you they do want.

 

Thank you for this, I did need to hear it.

 

I find it particularly selfish that she would only speak or miss me during times when I felt she was bored really. She wanted the company to fill the void I suppose.

 

I am glad I got the reassurance. I have wasted enough time with a woman that was not nearly as invested in me, as I was in her.

I think the most draining this is being in a relationship with somebody you are certain does not feel as strongly about you, as you do about them. Her words said one thing, and her actions something totally different.

It lead me to find an insecure and horrible side of me I did not know existed.

Truth be told, I should have ended it way before I did.

 

 

There is always a lesson learnt I suppose.

Thank you all!

[Blanco]

I find it particularly selfish that she would only speak or miss me during times when I felt she was bored really. She wanted the company to fill the void I suppose.

 

Sometimes the person who cares less after the breakup isn't just obtuse and doesn't realize how their continued contact with the other person ends up hurting that person. But based on what you've said about how she was during the relationship, it seems safe to say that she's aware of this but is continuing the pattern of putting what she wants first and foremost.

 

I am glad I got the reassurance. I have wasted enough time with a woman that was not nearly as invested in me, as I was in her.

I think the most draining this is being in a relationship with somebody you are certain does not feel as strongly about you, as you do about them. Her words said one thing, and her actions something totally different.

It lead me to find an insecure and horrible side of me I did not know existed.

Truth be told, I should have ended it way before I did.

 

I was in a relationship like this and it's odd how that power dynamic makes the relationship unsustainable but also really difficult to leave and then sever ties with after. But it's absolutely the right move. I found out the hard way that keeping them in your orbit prolongs healing and, in some ways, makes fully recovering impossible.

[darkmoon]

exes who want to stay friends can get in the way when you get somebody new, some are sneaky and/or want him back

 

 

your newbie is put in a sensitive position if the ex does not just go away and so the ex must be told to go

[Trail Blazer]

I was in a relationship like this and it's odd how that power dynamic makes the relationship unsustainable but also really difficult to leave and then sever ties with after. But it's absolutely the right move. I found out the hard way that keeping them in your orbit prolongs healing and, in some ways, makes fully recovering impossible.

I've also been through this and learnt the hard way. It was a painful lesson, but one I've learnt from and won't make the same mistake again.

[BourneWicked]

Historically I've had to cut ex's out. I think if you reach a point where you can get a text from her, or whatever contact, and not overthink it.. then you're good to contact each other regularly. For me, it always takes at least a year to get to a place where I think of that person as just another friend. When your response is at the same place to her contact as any other friend, then you are in a good place to have correspondence. If not, sounds like there are unbalanced feelings and someone will get hurt.

[OatsAndHall]

You've done the adult thing by cutting contact. An ex is an ex for all of the reasons you described and, as such, maintaining consistent contact with them serves no purpose. Yes, it's hard when someone has been such an important part of your life for so long and you severe ties but it's a necessary part of moving on.

[niji]

- female here -

It was absolutely the right thing to do. When I broke up with my ex, I was willing to remain friends, at first. Until I saw it was wrecking him - I took no pleasure in this and felt bad, as if I didn't already feel guilty enough breaking up with him (he hadn't done anything "wrong", it was more just incompatibility and I had been pondering the break up for two years before finally pulling the plug). I told him we couldn't remain friends because he's not ready - he still had feelings for me. In person meeting up was a no no. Since we didn't have social media, he would occasionally email me. I emailed back a few times, being very polite, but eventually I just ceased contacts - it just felt natural to do so. The last email I didn't respond to was when he told me he was bringing a date home to see his parents so I didn't feel bad not responding to it.

 

 

 

So yeah, keeping in touch would just hinder your progress. Just let it fade naturally in your case, since you seem to be doing just fine, cold turkey NC may not be necessary (social media is dangerous though!)

 

 

Another person raised a perfectly valid point. When you have a new SO, having contacts with ex's can make difficult situations. I'm of the opinion that my SO should not be hanging out with ex's unless I'm present. Most of the times, ex's keep in touch because one of the two still has feelings for each other, and hence aren't really platonic "friends". "Friends" means if one person has a new SO, the other will say "Yay, I'm so happy for you!", like how I would do with my best male friend (it'd always been platonic between us since the beginning). If you can't do that (truly from your heart), then you can't be friends with your ex.

Edited May 31, 2019 by niji

[The Outlaw]

I know you said you care about her, but if somebody disrespected me the way she did you, no friendship nor acquaintanceship, would ever be even remotely considered. What you feel is one sided, and it's probably always been that way. And I get that feeling because I've been there. But it's best to cut them out entirely and move on because right now she still isn't doing you any good to even think about her. I know it's easier said than done but you've got to watch after yourself sometimes.

[Highndry]

I never, ever, ever remain friends with exes. Once it's over, they never get to talk to me again. I don't even respond to any communication from them unless it's something that absolutely needs to be addressed. I make it like I don't even exist anymore.

[Fekenaws]

I think you're making the right decision here. The additions of the "mute" and "taking a break" options in Facebook and Instagram are wonderful for breakups, and they should be added in all social media apps imo. Seeing the other people in social media DOES make it harder for you to move on and WILL drive you insane, I learned that the hard way. I think NC is the way to go 100%. You already seem to be checking out of the relationship yourself, and even though you admit that you care for her (as most exes do), the spark seems to be long gone on both sides. The best thing for you two to do for each other is to stay out of each other's lives and move on. I find that meeting up with your ex in the future is rarely helpful and oftentimes more painful than not, but if the time arrives in the future where NC is broken and you two decide to meet up, remember to approach it with extreme caution. Those old emotions will resurface much faster than realize if you haven't fully accepted the death of the relationship, and it will hurt very, very badly.