First breakup, managing my emotions is too hard

[Smurf1]

Hi everyone,

 

I decided to write here (once again) beacuse you guys have been so helpful (much more than my friends) in managing my emotions through my breakup.

 

I started dating my ex-girlfirend when we were 17, I really liked the relationship we had.

Last August (we were 21, so we spent 4 year and a half together), she met a guy, she cheated on me (she kissed him, but it's cheating to me anyway), the day after that kissed she came to me and said she wanted to leave me (she did not mention that kiss or anything else, she just said she spoke to a boy and she was not sure of our realtionship anymore, I find out she cheated only several months later).

I couldn't do anything but let her go, I guess that's what you do when you truly love someone.

 

 

She spent about 2 months with this guy (even if she's always refuse to have sex with me, she didn't waste time with her new bf, they had sex right away), but kept reaching out to me once in a while.

During this conversations, she said to me some of the reasons she left:

 

-I don't find you attractive anymore

-I don't love you anymore

-I see you as my best friend, a brother

-It's been a while I wasn't trluy happy

 

Now, since I'm just 22 and have absolutely no experience in relationships, I would love to have as many advices as you can give me.

 

Is it possible saying stuff like those without meaning it?

She came back, but I can't think of someone saying those things and then saying he/she didn't really mean it.

I guess she just misses the warmth and the safety she gained form that old relationship, but again, I'm young and defintely not a relationship expert.

 

I'd love to hear some experiences/advices.

 

Thank you so much

[TheFinalWord]

Sorry friend. It really hurts when you love someone and they betray your trust.

 

I don't think you should take her back. It will never be the same. If she kissed a guy in a moment of weakness, okay, maybe those 4 years would count as something. Or if you had been married for 20 years and had kids together, maybe something would be salvageable with a lot of counseling for the sake of keeping the family together. But she slept with him probably every time they hung out. I doubt she was interested in him for a relationship, she found him sexually attractive. She doesn't feel that with you, which means every time a "hot" guy hits on her, you're going to have to worry if she'll toss you aside and cheat.

 

 

 

Did she end the fling or did her? Did you have something to do with her ending it with this other guy?

 

In either case, at your age, I'd advise you to move on and find someone better. Easier said than done, I know, but it would be better to be single than to deal with someone like this in my opinion.

 

Those cruel things she said, she meant it at that time. You can't trust her words because she's a cheater. All you can trust is her actions. Her actions show that she isn't sexually attracted to you, and will cheat if the opportunity presents itself. Now that her fling is over, she wants to come back to the security of your relationship. But how can you ever trust her to not do that again?

 

Your relationship was probably the first real one she had, I'm guessing the longest, and it was comfortable, secure, and probably really predictable. A new guy came along that got her juices flowing and she was sexually attracted to him. You haven't told us much about him, but she felt that newness again that you feel at the beginning of meeting someone new.

 

She said really hurtful things to you, and maybe she has since regretted saying those things. But when she thought it was over, she told you what she really thought. And she confirmed her words with actions: she cheated. Once someone has cheated, I don't know how you can overcome that. She also said she isn't sexually attracted to you (sees you as a brother, doesn't love you, etc.), so she will probably do it again under the right circumstances. You'll never really be able to trust her again.

 

I'd advise you to date other women. Find someone that won't cheat or say cruel things to you.

 

Please don't blame yourself for her cheating. She gave you all these reasons, but at the end of the day, the healthy thing for her to do would be to come to you and talk about her issues. And if they couldn't be resolved, to break up with you. Instead, she cheated. That's her moral failure, nothing you did wrong. Don't let her put it into your head that it's your fault that she cheated.

Edited April 30, 2019 by TheFinalWord

[Smurf1]

Well, I didn't say anything about the new guy because I know just a little about him and I don't really care.

I think you're right, she felt the newness again.

Moreover, this was my first relationship, and this is the reason, I guess, I find hard to let it completely go.

 

 

In the end yes, she said those things, and I was pretty comfortable with her not feeling attracted by me.

She messed up when, coming back, she said she felt attracted by me. How could you change your mind about something like that, considered she's never wanted to sleep with me?

 

I mean, I think you can change your mind about sleeping with someone, but I strongly believe you don't have to date sleep with someone else to find your boyfriend attractive, am I wrong?

Edited April 30, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[TheFinalWord]

You're welcome friend. You show a lot of maturity for your age. You're a lot better of a person than she is in my opinion.

 

I do understand how hard it is to let go of the first love of your life. But I think you should do your best to let her go. It will take time to completely heal, but you'll be better for it in the long run.

 

I agree with you. Her words and actions are not aligned. When it comes to matters of the heart, I find it best to look at a person's actions, and put little weight on words. Especially if they were busted cheating.

 

The reason I ask about the guy is to find out if he ended it or she ended it. You don't have to answer here or anything, but just some outcomes for you to think about.

 

--If she ended it, she might have done so because she felt bad for the way she cheated you and found out that the grass is not greener on the other side and she was stupid for what she did to you. She found out a faithful guy like you is a rare gem in today's dating world.

 

--If the guy just pumped and dumped her, she may just be coming back to you for emotional support. She needs that emotional validation that she is loved and once this guy tossed her she came back to you because you can give her that validation.

 

Either way, I don't think you can ever really trust her again.

 

Instead of coming to you and telling you her issues, she cheated on you.

 

What she should have done was come to you and told you her issues. You could then try to work through it. I mean, with four years together she at least owed you that much. Just as an example, if you gained weight, you could try to lose it. Or if there was no way to fix it, she should have broken up with you. Instead, she cheated and said cruel things to you in the process. I don't know her at all, but if the roles were reversed, would she forgive if you said those things to her and cheated on her? Not something you have to answer here. But my guess is, no she wouldn't.

 

Edited April 30, 2019 by TheFinalWord
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[Smurf1]

Thank you again!

 

First of all, I don't really know what she would have done, if it was me cheating on her, I just don't know.

 

I definitely agree, she owed me a conversation, just one, to explain her issues.

On the other hand, I do know her, and she is not a bad person at all, that's one of the reasons her cheating broke me down.

I really didn't see it coming, I thought we would be together kinda forever (I am well aware it's a must for first relationships), and now I don't know how to act to remove this future from my mind

Edited April 30, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[TheFinalWord]

Welcome friend. I'm in a lab, running data and it takes the program hours to do the analysis. I have the extra time, and I hope my ramblings provide you some insight lol

 

 

Well, cheating would break anyone down if they loved the person that did the cheating. So, that's nothing to be ashamed of.

 

She may not be a bad person, generally speaking, but she did the one action that is pretty much the worst thing you can do in a relationship: she cheated. And said some really raw things in the process. When she had the security of another guy in her life, she told you what she really thought. I would have a difficult time believing she changed her mind too. And, no, cheating doesn't provide anything enlightening to the one that did the cheating. Other than maybe guilt if she has a conscience. But it provides the person that was cheated on a lot of information.

 

That you didn't see it coming is probably what really stings. Most men don't, so you're not alone there. As long as you've known her, there's a side to her you don't know at all. Even with all this time, she didn't feel a need to talk to you about any of it. How can you know she hasn't done this before, but this is the first time she got caught. You can never know. This is the type of anxiety a cheater leaves in their wake. That innocence of trusting the person completely is shattered forever. It's kind of like what they say about a person's reputation. It takes a lifetime to earn it and a second to lose it.

 

But the harsh reality is the only thing that will remove that future is to remove her from your life. Our brains release chemicals when we are bonded to someone (epinephrine, vasopression, oxytocin). As she is removed from your life, eventually those neural pathways will re-write themselves. But it takes time and separation. That's one reason people advise no contact after a break up. So those pathways can re-wire themselves. In short, time heals all wounds. As you begin to separate your identity from hers, you will begin to see a new future.

 

I know it sounds so easy to type out.

 

I'm sure it will be difficult as you've known her since you were a teenager. I wouldn't feel embarrassed if you need to talk to a therapist either. That's a long time to be together and at such a young age. The way that all went down, you may need some professional help to regain your identify as a single guy. A therapist can help to guide you in the right direction and help you heal faster and in a more healthy way.

 

 

All the best to you friend.

Edited April 30, 2019 by TheFinalWord

[Smurf1]

Thank you so so much, you've been very helpful!

Edited April 30, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[stillafool]

Yes definitely move on. I'm a woman so I can tell you that your ex gf would have never said those things to you if she didn't mean them and was telling you the truth so you would leave her alone. TFW is correct that this other guy got her juices flowing and she was sexually attracted to him. You saw how fast she jumped into sex with him but after 4 years, not you. I can tell you when a girl loves her bf she cannot wait 4 years to have sex with him. She seems to have liked you like a brother and enjoyed your companionship. I agree if you do make the mistake of taking her back she will cheat on you with the next hot guy who looks her way. This guy probably broke her heart because she could probably not get him to commit and he's seeing other girls too. Her self esteem took a hit so she wants to go back to what was safe, for now. Don't be her crutch. You now have relationship experience. You should be dating many girls to get to know what you want and don't want from a gf. You will meet a beautiful girl who wants you the way you want her. Don't waste your youth.

[Smurf1]

stillafool, i really appreciated your reply.

 

Since I have just a few female opinions, I'd ask you something more.

When she came back, she said she slept with her new guy due to some circumstances (i.e. he had a more physical approach to her).

I think this can't be right, I mean, you don't end up sleeping with someone due to circumstances (again, I have no experience, I may be wrong). Circumstances can help, but if I don't want to, the I don't.

 

I forgot, she dumped him, she says because she had me in her mind all the time

Edited April 30, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[stillafool]

The only circumstance I can see is that he set her panties on fire and she couldn't help but have sex with him. She probably dumped him because he wouldn't commit to her, she found out he's also seeing other girls, and now she realizes that she wants to be treated the way you treated her. But, you have to ask yourself do you want to be treated the way she treated you?

 

Look, I know getting over a first love is hard as hell. We've all been where you are but I can tell you this is just the beginning chapter of your love life. You have many more women to date and get to know. You haven't even started yet.

[d0nnivain]

You were her first love too, just like she was yours.

 

At some point she developed a wandering eye, probably out of some sort of FOMO thinking. She cased that pipe dream (the other guy) to see if she was missing out on anything. She said what she to you because she may have thought she meant it at the time; she was after new & different. It was a bit of GIGS.

 

After a few months with him she realized that he may have been a shiny new toy but you were a better person & a better fit for her so she naively thought you'd just forgive & forget. She didn't want to think about the emotional damage she caused. She just assumed that you would take her back no Qs asked & you two would carry on the way you had always been. She doesn't want to deal with the fact that she broke your heart & shattered your trust. At a minimum she would need to earn that trust back over time. For now the freshest evidence you have is that she's willing to cavalierly throw you away.

 

You can try a reconciliation but I don't think enough time has passed. Of the two couples I know who made something like what you are experiencing work, they were apart for 2-4 years before trying again. It gave them both time to grow up independently.

[TheFinalWord]

I forgot, she dumped him, she says because she had me in her mind all the time

 

How convenient. She didn't think of you before she cheated though; before the damage was done.

[Smurf1]

How convenient. She didn't think of you before she cheated though; before the damage was done.

Of course it's convenient, but it's what I focus on when doubts show up.

She cheated on me, she was aware of she were doing and what of what troubles it would have caused to me. She was definitely aware, you don't end u with a guy randomly.

 

She's been on a retreat with her gym group for a week, and said she cheated just on the last night. I believe her, I truly do, but I guess she and the other guy flirted a bit, don't you think.

 

I'd thank you so much, TheFinalWord, your words have been very helpful to me.

Thank you

[d0nnivain]

It was a classic case of GIGs & FOMO.

[Marc878]

She's been on a retreat with her gym group for a week, and said she cheated just on the last night. I believe her, I truly do, but I guess she and the other guy flirted a bit, don't you think.

 

Just about everyone in these situations want to believe because not to is unthinkable. She wouldn't lie to me!!!!

 

Sadly they do lie. A lot and all the time.

 

So the reality is you want to believe but you just don't know.

 

Sorry

[Marc878]

You handled it better than most.

 

Usually they cry, beg and plead. Write stupid letters pouring their heart out, etc.

 

All that does is lower your status and destroys your self respect. Chasing always pushes them further away.

 

You can never make someone love or want you. You let them go.

 

If/when they should come back there is no guarantee they won't do it again. The capability is there.

 

You're better off to cut the contact. It may seem like the end of the world but it's far from it. Young first loves almost never last. It's part of life. It makes you wiser, smarter and better prepared for your next relationship.

 

You'll be fine. Time and distance will fix this.

 

There is no one and only. There are many who could fill that.