5 months NC still not over her

[Darren87]

So it’s been 5 months of NC, which started the second my ex left having dumped me. I haven’t seen or heard from her or cont contacted her since. She said she still loved me etc, but that we got on each other’s nerves & wants that “Disney style relationship”. A lot of female friends have told me that in their opinions she has very unrealistic views on relationships. We didn’t have any big arguments & were planning a holiday a week before the break up. I think all of this has put me in a position where I have yet to stop thinking of her for the majority of everyday & loving her, despite going out on dates with different women (12 to be exact, but none have been right for me), going to the gym far more often & getting in very good shape.

 

I feel like I’ve ‘lost’, that she has completely outdone me & thinks that she is far better than me. Don’t get me wrong, these feelings haven’t manifested in bitterness, but more complete embarrassment. I feel like a total & complete idiot & loser. Also obviously very upset that I’ve lost the person I love.

 

I wondering how in your opinions does it come across when the person being dumped doesn’t make a huge scene during the break up, immediately starts total NC & sticks to it & also posts photos on IG looking good & out having fun with friends (don’t worry I haven’t overdone these pictures, nor am I posting them to specifically attempt to make her jealous or whatever)? Does it look like “oh hey he’s strong, in control of himself, can find happiness wherever & mature” or does it just look like “he’s sulking, angry & having too much of a hard time to contact me”.

 

I just ask because when I tell people about the immediate & complete NC they always seem surprised....but I’ve never actually questioned why.

[preraph]

Why worry about what she thinks at this point? You know, the goal is to stop doing anything just to see what she thinks about it. The best way to do that is to block her from your social media and to stay off hers and block her from your phone and not talk to any mutual friends about anything personal.

 

It's not unusual to still be sad five months later, but you are doing the right thing going on with your life. But the goal is to stop CARING what she would think, and the sooner you move on with life, the sooner that will happen. I mean, why should you care? She dumped you and you've both moved on. It's no longer your concern what she would think. Especially since you yourself inferred she has a very immature view on relationships and friends concurred she's not realistic. She will find out one day that that prince in her head doesn't exist -- but only if she stops watching Disney movies.

[Morello]

I think it would do you great to remove/block her from your social media as suggested by preraph. Then you'll just remove a lot of weight from your shoulders in trying to impress her and you can just be yourself.

 

If there's any chance of reconciliation, she needs to initiate. You only want to get back in touch with her for the right reasons (as in she having a chenge of heart) and not because you initiated ontact after being dumped by her.

[MsJayne]

I speak as an experienced dumper of many, many years. You're doing the right thing all the way. Nothing turned me completely and forever off an ex quicker than knowing they were hovering in the background waiting for me to wake up and realise they were 'The One'.

You sound like you're mature, but....she wanted a 'Disney Style Relationship'? Maybe you should have worn Mickey Mouse ears while you plonked her. I agree with other posters, you should leave it to her to initiate any future contact, and if she does change her mind, don't be a pushover.

[Twizzlestick]

Hey OP

 

I can lend an identifying ear as I’m month 4 after being dumped. I didn’t fare as well as you as didn’t go straight into NC so well done there. I also can highly identify with that feeling low you have.

 

First things first, a lot of your post centres around this feeling of low value in her eyes. Even the questions of how you NC looks to her, are stemming from the same thought process. I’ve been there. My ex strung me out for a long time before the “coups de grace”, finalising with a few cutting remarks that ensured my self esteem took a further hit.

 

Feeling low value is stock in trade for us dumpees. It’s actually impossible to not feel it if you A/loved that person B/ were not an utter psychopath and walked off after a long rele whistling Corey Wayne style like American Psycho

 

It’s normal and part of the abandonment process a normal mind goes through after being ditched.

 

In your case you seem to feel very deeply that you’re validated by this person. That your worth is validated by them. All your questions point to this. It’s a step further from feeling low and you mustn’t allow that thought process to continue. Fight it and challenge it as your recovery will build on that.

 

All I can say is I felt exactly the same for the longest time as you. But it does improve the more you stay NC. I still have periods, sometimes long periods, where I feel low and right back to the day of being dumped and that my value is wrapped up with my ex. It’s at those moments you feel the strongest regret and wish to reach out. It’s as if all the positivity were just some kind of trick you were playing on yourself.

 

Stay NC, keep doing positive stuff and post your positive things online. The reason is it will make YOU feel better. Your feelings of self worth will go up trust me. I was doing all this and my ex has out of the blue blocked me. It hasn’t set me back quite as much as I thought, thanks to advice on here. It’s agony yes, but I refuse to let my validation be tied to a person who kicked me to the kerb and now has the gall to send such a childish message after I was nothing but gracious.

 

For what it’s worth if those were your exe’s sentiments then you were both doomed mate. “A Disney relationship”? WTF ? Honestly better off out. That’s something I could understand a 12 year old might trot out, not a grown woman. It smacks of someone who wants to live in permanent limerance. And that is impossible. She’ll forever be on a merry go round trying to find that. Not to mention the glaring elephant in the room. That is not love!! It’s someone more in love with the idea of a rele than the actual person. People like that to be avoided like the plague.