When is the latest that it hit you?

[titleking]

Good evening.

 

Short Summary:

My ex-girlfriend (of 3.5 years) and I broke up 75 day ago and today, out of nowhere, it hit me in the worst way.

 

Long Summary:

My ex was going to law school and, though we began dating before she started attending, we both had a good understanding of the time commitment that she would need to allocate and the amount of pressure that comes with it. I thought our relationship was great. We fought once in awhile, mainly over the work-life-school balance, but there were no glaring issues.

 

Out of nowhere, I called my girlfriend on a Monday morning, after we hung out with no issues the night before. She was crying and told me that she was at the doctor's office, taking "tests". She said that "when she gets stressed out, her test levels get elevated and she needs to remove all of the stress from her life". She then told me that she has to break up with me. I was too shocked to understand the logic. I thought she was going to tell me she was quitting law school, but that we had to break up? I couldn't believe it. I told her to have a great life and to never contact me again.

 

Immediately following the breakup, I was quick to go on dating apps. I figured, I was not the one who did anything wrong, so what's the shame of immediately submersing myself into that world? I quickly met some girls and tried to shield any thoughts of my ex-girlfriend via taking my time up with social activities. I would think of all of the negative aspects of the relationship and quickly bury any positive thoughts that I had.

 

Two months after the breakup, I went to Coachella with a girl that I have been seeing casually for a few weeks. All I could think about was how amazing it would have been to be there with my ex-girlfriend and, to be frank, it ruined the entire trip and now my thoughts of any sort of relationship with this new girl. I selfishly turned a shoulder to the girl that I had brought and have been in a rut ever since, thinking about how much I miss my ex.

 

Ever since this trip, I can't get my ex off my mind. I had gone 75 days of NC and hadn't felt like I truly missed her until basically this moment. I realize now how much she meant to me. The anger that I experienced as a result of being broken up with has turned into sadness. Though my ego took a bruising, I no longer have any hate in my heart for getting dumped. I don't blame her for dumping me and I believe that I can identify everything that was the culprit, for which I never did get any closure.

 

I realized that she matters to me more than anything in life and that any issues or baggage that she carries is worth it to me to have her in my world. I sent her a text message 7 hours ago and, when I didn't get a response, I sent an Instagram message pouring out my feelings. I indicated that I was only sending a follow-up message in the event that she blocked my number.

 

Is this at all normal? Has a breakup ever hit you out of absolutely nowhere months later?

Edited April 27, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Beachead]

Hey titleking,

 

It's very normal. I still think about my last relationship which ended nearly 2 years ago. The pain subsides over time though to the point where you can function again. In the beginning where you're at right now..it's terrible.

 

I'll tell you what happened with you.

 

She broke it off. Broke your heart. You subconsciously used anger and dating to block and avoid the devastation this woman caused you and then delved into your first stage of grief which was denial/numbness. Given the fact that you shut off and blocked your pain in the beginning, it doesn't surprise me that you're starting to feel this way 75 days NC post-break. In general, this is usually when the denial wears off. You're simply beginning to realize your ex may have been serious about the breakup and that she's not coming back and that triggers anxiety and unsettling feelings + the fact that you didn't say what you truly felt at the time she ended it which adds regret/guilt the mix. Both are very powerful at keeping us stuck.

 

I'm glad you reached out to her to tell her how you felt because you need that for yourself to help you gain closure for yourself move forward. But if you don't hear from her, I would strongly advise you to leave it alone if you don't hear from her.

 

Decisions to breakup don't come overnight. They burn slowly over months. I guarantee you she was feeling a certain type of way about the relationship for awhile and she was trying to deal with it. Maybe she was in denial for awhile thinking she could work it out but the underlying feeling of knowing that the relationship wasn't right for her kept nagging at her. Eventually at some point, it all became too much and she cracked. So yes, your ex knew what she was doing when she ended it and because of that I doubt very much, you'll receive the response you hope for. You have to remember, making a relationship work and getting back together isn't just up to you. This is up to her as well. And she decided the 3.5 years you two spent together wasn't enough reason to stick it out.

 

Start journaling in a book and focus your thoughts onto why the relationship ended and the negatives about it. You have to get it down onto paper so that everytime you get weak, you read it and it'll remind you. Otherwise, you may be very liable to slip and blow her phone up. If you have her on social media, I also advise you to take her off of it. Instagram, Snapchat, Facebook etc. Seeing updates and pictures will reopen wounds and prevent them from healing. Also box possessions or gifts from her and keep it out of sight. Delete her number off of your phone (Keep it out of sight somewhere as well). You have to start thinking about a future without her because she stopped thinking about one with you and all your energy needs to go into it because it's not easy.

 

Don't think about a friendship with her. You don't want that.

 

- Beach

Edited April 21, 2019 by Beachead

[titleking]

Hey titleking,

 

It's very normal. I still think about my last relationship which ended nearly 2 years ago. The pain subsides over time though to the point where you can function again. In the beginning where you're at right now..it's terrible.

 

 

Hi Beach,

 

Thank you for your words and very insightful analysis. I agree, I think the gravity of the fact that our relationship is actually over has just hit me like a ton of bricks. I hate looking at things in retrospect, because I feel like I know exactly where I erred and where I could have been a better partner to my ex-girlfriend. I think I now realize how important she was to me and how trivial everything else in life was compared to the happiness that she brought me. Getting around that thought is seemingly a really tough proposition.

 

I had already taken her off all social medias when we broke up, but decided to send the IG message last night because Instagram has read receipts and I can see if she actually got my message, unlike over iMessage. She read my Instagram message about 2 hours after I sent it, but has not responded. At this point, part of me is happy that I at least got to say a few things that are on my chest. The other part of me thinks that this is all too little, too late, but I just don't know where to turn. Do I simply compartmentalize this experience and use it to better all future relationships? Realizing that all of my goals and dreams are now shifted without her presence in my life is incredibly daunting, almost as if there is no point in pursuing happiness without her.

 

I'll keep everybody updated if she responds. I would think if she absolutely wanted nothing to do with me, she would block me on Instagram, but I don't think that's happened yet.

Edited April 27, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[preraph]

I am going to give you an unusual possible scenario. She broke up with you because she felt so bad she went to the doctor for tests. I am one of those people who has resisted change, whether it be breakup or quitting a job, and avoided thinking about it until it made me physically ill. At the point of it making me ill, I would finally know I had to deal with it -- NOW.

 

My feeling is that she hadn't been happy or content with the relationship for quite some time but just didn't want to face dissolving it, but she was under so much stress from not dealing with it that she finally just made herself sick. Now, she obviously knew the source of the stress was you, because immediately she broke up with you, not some other thing.

 

You can "get along" with someone long after the feelings are gone. And you admit you fought. I always shake my head on here because so many people think it's normal to have bad fights on an ongoing basis. I don't want to live like that. That's miserable. There's people you can love but not live with or make a life with. Love should make your life easier.

 

Yes, these things creep back and make you hurt every now and then. You should not have written that letter. You broke up for a reason. You may not quite understand what it is, but she does. So even if she answers and tries again, nothing has really changed. Sorry.

[titleking]

I am going to give you an unusual possible scenario. She broke up with you because she felt so bad she went to the doctor for tests. I am one of those people who has resisted change, whether it be breakup or quitting a job, and avoided thinking about it until it made me physically ill. At the point of it making me ill, I would finally know I had to deal with it -- NOW.

 

My feeling is that she hadn't been happy or content with the relationship for quite some time but just didn't want to face dissolving it, but she was under so much stress from not dealing with it that she finally just made herself sick. Now, she obviously knew the source of the stress was you, because immediately she broke up with you, not some other thing.

 

You can "get along" with someone long after the feelings are gone. And you admit you fought. I always shake my head on here because so many people think it's normal to have bad fights on an ongoing basis. I don't want to live like that. That's miserable. There's people you can love but not live with or make a life with. Love should make your life easier.

 

Yes, these things creep back and make you hurt every now and then. You should not have written that letter. You broke up for a reason. You may not quite understand what it is, but she does. So even if she answers and tries again, nothing has really changed. Sorry.

 

Sadly, I don't think you are so far from the truth, though I will just add that our "fights" were never anything serious. We have never had a screaming match or any sort of disagreement that we didn't work out then and there.

 

Unrequited love is hard to wrap my mind around. You spend so much time with somebody and ultimately find that your declaration of love does not have the same affect that it once had. My words, my actions, they mean nothing to her now. Whatever had happened in so many years of dating is now just a story of two people who once shared something special. Nothing more, nothing less. I guess for me, the hardest thing about trying to get back with an ex is realizing that it takes two consenting individuals to try to make it work again. No matter how special I thought our relationship was or no matter how much I think it is worth saving, this means absolutely nothing unless my feelings and emotions are aligned with hers. And they aren’t. I have never been in a position where I wanted an ex-girlfriend back in my life, but something about what we had just makes it very difficult to let go.

 

I sent an Instagram message to show her that I was vulnerable and that I was not in a great space mentally. It wasn’t a cry for help, but a shot in the dark to try to show her what she means to me. She still hasn’t responded to my message. Although I don’t care if I looked stupid or desperate, I think it just makes me sad to see how little I mean to her anymore. She doesn’t even want to respond to me or give me the time of day to tell me that she needs space. She just wants nothing to do with me. Part of me doesn’t blame her. I was in a headspace for awhile where I was hurt and wanted nothing to do with her. As she was the “dumper”, it was easy to paint her out to be the bad guy and shift all the blame of ending the relationship on her. But that isn’t reality. I never considered how hurt she was and how far she had been pushed to get to the point where she decided that we weren’t worth saving.

[Twizzlestick]

Hi OP

 

Questions and my answers

 

Is this at all normal? Yes!

 

Has a breakup ever hit you out of absolutely nowhere months later? Yes!

 

My story, dumped after 11 years. I’m 5 months into it. What you describe thought process I’ve been through and posted on here under my starting thread (“strung along after 11 years” I think it was) and also on the NC is so hard thread under coping.

 

You’re early days, so day 75 isn’t “late”. It really hit me after about the same time as you. After that I actually went straight back into denial for ages. I came out of it then back in and so forth. What I found is when I’m low or hit a trigger like going to a place with work it sends me straight back and in a panic I’m consumed by the loss. Intrusive thoughts race and I feel an urge to reach out as if I’d been wasting time for the last months and that very hour I’m in will make all the difference. It makes no sense at all but that’s how it feels. I just sit on my hands and ride it out in agony.

 

Our minds tell us wonderful things about our exes when we’re in this anxiety loop. They become these all loving victims suffering at our clumsy hands. We berate ourselves over all the imagined reasons for their dumping forced upon them that we, the neglectful and neglegent dumpees, didn’t spot. As if it were solely up to us to rescue them and carry the sinking ship of our rele high above the stormy seas to shore.

 

This is of course utter tripe and not to mention a colossal distortion of reality and such mannerisms within a rele would be very unhealthy and lopsided. It takes two adults for a rele, two adults to keep it floating and two adults to stuff it up (bar things like out if the blue cheating or abuse).

 

What I can say is instead of staring down the barrel of anxiety of waiting for a response, stare down the barrel of no contact. It sounds like a rubbish choice, but the negative energy you’re wasting can be put to good use.

 

If you go no contact you will feel anxious and pain, but unlike waiting on your ex after reaching out every second, every hour, every day in no contact will be working and actually achieving something. In fact many things. Your self esteem will slowly start to climb. In the background you’ll also stop annoying your ex (unless you have my wonky ex in which case no contact seemed to send her mental with annoyance at me). She’ll be left in peace to feel the loss.

 

I’m month 5 and I don’t think this process is linear. I ebb and flow in and out of being in devastation like you are back in day 1, to feeling real chipper. Denial comes and goes. It’s a back and forth with a very slow forward trend. Go no contact, honestly it’s the way forward to start. All roads lead from there.

 

That is your challenge now, psych yourself up for it and get ready. Tomorrow it starts. It’s a bloody tough road but quite novel as will beat the crap out of pacing around the kitchen with clenched hands waiting on a reply after pouring your heart out the latest time. Trust me.

 

Oh, and don’t beat yourself up over “breakup mistakes” like sending that insta message. Post break up mistakes get a little over egged such that you can end up driving yourself further over the edge of the low self worth pit regretting what magical mistakes you achieved. And that’s the last thing you need on top of a breakup! We all fxxx up post break to some degree unless you’re a robot like Corey Wayne. It’s done, in the past. It ain’t important. Trust me. Promise yourself you will not do it again solely for the reason it hurts you when you do. It will seem a distant memory in a month or two anyway. For her too. Time has an astonishing ability to diminish the relevance of what’s gone under the bridge and replace with new thoughts. NC works for both of you.

 

Go NC, get on your grind and set some personal goals. It isn’t going to be an upward slope, I’m living proof. Some days I’m just the same broken soldier I was when I first posted on here about leaving Ireland on a stormy night, but it sure beats the hell out of sitting and waiting on someone’s reply and validation.

 

 

Check out “magnet of success” blog. Some good articles on there to keep you motivated. Also recommend “dating guy” and “love chat” on YouTube.

Edited April 26, 2019 by Twizzlestick

[FMW]

What you're feeling is absolutely normal, it unfortunately takes a long time to come to terms with a breakup. The thoughts and emotions hit with different intensity along the way. You can feel ok for a while and then just fall apart.

 

As far as her not responding to your message, it doesn't mean she doesn't care. It most likely means she simply isn't up for dealing with the emotions that contact with you bring.

[titleking]

Hi OP

 

Questions and my answers

 

Is this at all normal? Yes!

 

Has a breakup ever hit you out of absolutely nowhere months later? Yes!

 

 

Hey everybody, thank you so much for your very well thought out responses. This has all helped a lot.

 

My ex-girlfriend responded to my IG message on Wednesday. Just as everybody here said, her original thought was to not respond because she didn't want to have a discussion, only to have to say goodbye again. She said she thought it would be too painful. Her reasoning for not contacting me over the past 75 days was that she thought I hated her. I told her that this obviously was not the case and that I understood completely what happened between us. She is hurting too, a lot, and feeling a lot of the same things that I feel. She said at first that she doesn't want to try again, but ultimately she agreed to text me after her law school final exams in early May. It was so great to hear from her and at least get some feedback and closure as to what happened but, at the same time, I'm stuck in this endless trap of "what if". Twizzle, your message really resonated with me in that a relationship is a two-way road and that it would have taken both of us to stay on the right track, but I just can't help but feeling like this is all my fault. The warning signs were always there and I know where my shortcomings were as a partner.

 

This really sucks. I think about her basically 24 hours a day now. I have never been thrown through this kind of loop and I feel I cannot shake it. I am miserable without her and I would do virtually everything in the world to show her I have changed. I know that many will argue that you can't change that much in 75ish days, but this has all opened my eyes as to what is truly important to me. I won't contact her before her exams, but man is it tough. Every text I get, every phone call I get, I wish it was her.

Edited April 28, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator