dating others during NC?

[awnoway]

so my ex & i broke-up a week ago, well actually the process began a little earlier than that. she kept changing the terms of our relationship since she met someone else (didn’t take much sleuthing to figure out). she refused to admit that’s what it was & now is acting like i was mistreating her when all that happened was a lot of miscommunication that resulted in fights. it all ****ing hurts bad so after our last civil conversation where she told me she “still cares for me” & that we “have a connection” i went No Contact. i unfollowed her on Facebook but am failing at not checking her page at least once every day or two. we dated 4 1/2 months

 

so, that’s the background. since we broke-up i’ve been out with a few girls but there’s a disconnect at some point & they stop talking to me. the last girl i matched with on Hinge cancelled our first last minute. i do have one old picture of my ex from a month ago still on my Insta because it’s a good picture, a good memory. she deleted all the pics of me off hers but didn’t untag herself from mine. idk if that effects things?

 

it just feels like rejection on top of rejection. are girls sleuthing & care about my past that much?? or can they just feel that part of me is hurting & want nothing to do with me? i feel like i’m ready to at least get to know another person as i ween myself off my ex. also i feel it would make NC WAAYYY easier for me so i’m not home alone tempted to check my ex’s social media or see her on Snapchat with new dude she replaced me with.

 

sorry for the long post i thought context was needed. any advice is appreciated. thank

[ExpatInItaly]

You say you've only been broken up for a week, but you've already been out with a few girls?

 

They more than likely sense that you're hung up on someone else, even if they don't know you've recently broken up with an ex. We ladies read between the lines and tend to be quite perceptive to indications that a guy is just not ready for something.

 

But, as you mentioned, these girls might also be checking out your social media and saw the photo of you with your ex from just a month ago. That would raise a red flag for most. A month is not long enough in the past for a girl to be convinced you're ready to date someone else - it screams that you are on the rebound.

[snowcones]

I've never used snapchat, can you block someone on there?

[Beachead]

Hi awnoway,

 

I don't advise you to date right now. It's an attempt to avoid or run from your grief by jumping into another relationship. You're basically using the relationship as a painkiller. There's no longevity in this.

 

Grief takes time to work through and it's only been a week for you. What's going to happen is the hurricane of emotions that are a part of your grief, will begin to occur IN the new relationship. Whoever you're with, will make you feel great in the beginning and you'll think "What was that Beachead talking about? I feel awesome!" But little by little, you're going to find yourself thinking about ex. At first, it might only be when you're alone. But then, it'll begin to happen while you're out and about with your partner. By the end of it, no matter what they do or say..it just doesn't feel like it's enough. They'll have to do more to keep you happy but ultimately will come up short since the only person who can fix you is you. It'll frustrate an exhaust them and they will face a rollercoaster of ups and downs with you, which will hurt them along with the relationship as well. The drama will likely end it. That'll complicate your life even more via more guilt, regret, pain on top of the existing pain you already feel. You may think you have it under control right now but I assure you..you don't.

 

Takes a couple of weeks just to shed the shock which is likely where you're still at. Once that shock wears off though, there is work that needs to be done and it can only be done by you and by time. Denial/numbness combined with depression/anger will hit you first. It might all of that, some of it, or one but it'll happen. You will eventually get to a point where you realize your ex isn't coming back, you'll hit a hard emotional rock bottom, facing that grim reality and will begin to deal with how to go on without them. You'll feel weak, you'll want to contact them. You might slip up and reach out and realize what a mistake that was but all of it NEEDS to happen because the whole process will allow you to gain clarity about why this person along with the relationship ended in the first place.

 

Again, it takes time and work. I think more a reasonable time to date is around 8 months minimum. Overall, if you want a healthy relationship in the future, face the pain head on today. Otherwise, you delay that process or far worse, the pain will have nowhere to go and will end up manifesting itself into your behaviours, your choices, without your realizing it, causing you to make bad decisions which will only further complicate your life. I've seen this happen to others. I've been a victim of people who've done this. It's destructive.

 

My advice, fly solo for awhile and spend time introspecting. You can use LS, 1 or 2 close friends or a family member to talk it out in the beginning. While you do this, let yourself feel the pain and slowly work on restructuring your routine into something new by choosing activities that can help you turn personal weaknesses into strengths. I also recommend, journaling out your thoughts everyday which will really help you see what's going on with you. You can also use to focus on a plan. A lot of people on here have a lot of good tips and techniques to help cope as many of us have done NC and been through it all.

 

Stay Strong

 

- Beach

Edited April 19, 2019 by Beachead

[loversquarrel]

You should absolutely be out and dating!! You've only been with your ex for 4 months, it should be easy enough to move on.