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Says i'm the love of his life then dumps me?


Breaks and Breaking Up It happens to most everyone at some point in life! Share your experiences!

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Old 11th April 2019, 3:05 PM   #16
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Well at least you know now when a guy starts "love bombing" you again to take it with a grain of salt. Actions always speak louder than words and I mean many months of consistent action. I think you guys were just incompatible sexually and he left. You are right that he is probably back with his ex.
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Old 11th April 2019, 5:31 PM   #17
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Originally Posted by ballycastle View Post
And yes, dating is about revealing your layers one by one and hope things last...
I disagree with this and I think it's one of the things causing problems for you. I'm firmly of the belief that someone should start out (as much as possible given the infatuation going on) being who they are. No pretence, no layers. Thing is, if someone falls for the you which is all hidden, it stands to reason they may not want the final person who is revealed.

To me, a great start is with someone who is WYSIWYG.
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Old 11th April 2019, 9:03 PM   #18
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Oh sorry to hear. He should not be comparing you with his exes. That is not fair.
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Old 11th April 2019, 11:12 PM   #19
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If you haven't experienced it in your own life before, you can read plenty of posts here at LS about people who shower "love" on someone and then disappear. Don't waste time or energy trying to figure out why (it will never make sense), just take it as a good lesson for the future.

The very first negative comment he made about you (about your sexual appetite or anything else) was a warning sign. So was the "love of his life" comment at such an early stage.

Heed those signs in the future and don't continue to emotionally invest in someone who sets off those warnings. You have to safeguard your own heart, don't expect someone else to do it just because you tell them you have attachment issues.

You have a lot of power through how you look at things to determine whether or not you can or will trust again.
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Old 12th April 2019, 3:23 AM   #20
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Originally Posted by basil67 View Post
I disagree with this and I think it's one of the things causing problems for you. I'm firmly of the belief that someone should start out (as much as possible given the infatuation going on) being who they are. No pretence, no layers. Thing is, if someone falls for the you which is all hidden, it stands to reason they may not want the final person who is revealed.

To me, a great start is with someone who is WYSIWYG.
Hi interesting your take on this.

When you meet anyone, it is the journey travelled, conversations and experience that makes up your shared relationship journey and hopefully a great friendship. My girlfriends are the ones who know and trust me, I tell them about my feelings because that has been built up. Just like in a relationship.

I do not shy about who I am. However, telling someone on the first few dates about your terrible childhood, former dating disasters, your anxious preoccupied fears is NOT a way to proceed, and they would run a mile. you need to build that up as the trust grows.

What I mean is that you show who you are in bits and pieces and invite the response from the person. That is what you do on first dates. If the person likes you, you continue. If you allude you have had years of therapy to understand your issues after the first cup of coffee, I suspect they won't be returning.

Over time of listening and talking I gauged what to tell my partner and when. He listened intentally.

What I believe he was doing was to give the illusion he was caring and a great listener, but to later tell me when dumping me, 'We come from different relationships past.' We all do. I have done a lot of work to understand who I am.

I am not perfect, none of us are. He has issues, we all do. But it is the cold, calculating way he ended us, no discussion, not allowing me to respond and attempt to 'fix' what was going on for him, no wanting to work at it that is so blindsiding. 12 hours before, was perfectly loving, then threw a curveball to suggest he wanted an exit. That is what started my anxiety, and I was right to feel that way, a sense of doom as he ended it.

IF YOU SUPPORT TO LOVING A PERSON, YOU TRY TO WORK THINGS THROUGH
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Old 12th April 2019, 3:26 AM   #21
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Oh sorry to hear. He should not be comparing you with his exes. That is not fair.
Agreed! It made me not feel good, like I was never good enough. And I am. Just not with him, clearly.
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Old 12th April 2019, 6:44 AM   #22
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Originally Posted by ballycastle View Post
I am not perfect, none of us are. He has issues, we all do. But it is the cold, calculating way he ended us, no discussion, not allowing me to respond and attempt to 'fix' what was going on for him, no wanting to work at it that is so blindsiding. 12 hours before, was perfectly loving, then threw a curveball to suggest he wanted an exit...
IF YOU SUPPORT TO LOVING A PERSON, YOU TRY TO WORK THINGS THROUGH
Not if a person hits a "deal breaker", and this I guess for him was a deal-breaker, there was no working through, no attempt to "fix" anything, as your issues to him were too great. He knew he was incapable of living with them so he bailed.
He could have led you on and dumped you 3 months later after fights and distance introduced, would that have been any better? No, because there is no good way to dump someone.
Cleanly and quick is usually as good as it gets...
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Old 12th April 2019, 8:36 AM   #23
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Originally Posted by ballycastle View Post
I am not perfect, none of us are. He has issues, we all do. But it is the cold, calculating way he ended us, no discussion, not allowing me to respond and attempt to 'fix' what was going on for him, no wanting to work at it that is so blindsiding. 12 hours before, was perfectly loving, then threw a curveball to suggest he wanted an exit. That is what started my anxiety, and I was right to feel that way, a sense of doom as he ended it.

IF YOU SUPPORT TO LOVING A PERSON, YOU TRY TO WORK THINGS THROUGH
This was because he didn't want to "fix" what he thought was wrong he just wanted to move on. I'm sorry he hurt you. Now you know to not trust "love bombing" when it happens too soon before a man gets to know the real you.
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Old 12th April 2019, 9:46 AM   #24
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This was because he didn't want to "fix" what he thought was wrong he just wanted to move on. I'm sorry he hurt you. Now you know to not trust "love bombing" when it happens too soon before a man gets to know the real you.
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Originally Posted by Finding my way View Post
If you haven't experienced it in your own life before, you can read plenty of posts here at LS about people who shower "love" on someone and then disappear. Don't waste time or energy trying to figure out why (it will never make sense), just take it as a good lesson for the future.

The very first negative comment he made about you (about your sexual appetite or anything else) was a warning sign. So was the "love of his life" comment at such an early stage.

Heed those signs in the future and don't continue to emotionally invest in someone who sets off those warnings. You have to safeguard your own heart, don't expect someone else to do it just because you tell them you have attachment issues.

You have a lot of power through how you look at things to determine whether or not you can or will trust again.
Thank you all for spending time reading and responding to my post.

Interesting I keep a diary and found my comment next to his 'I love you' on the fifth date....'That's way too soon'.

I need to work on trusting my own gut feeling and having the strength to walk away.

Having been on multiple dates, I can with others but still need to work on those I subconsciously know aren't good.

My sense of worth/doubt is something that will take a lifetime to overcome. I always believe, I will either a/not have the chance to ever love again or b/feel lucky to have been chosen.


Neither of them I realise are good. When I am single, I am fine and feel confident about my dating potential. However, when brave enough to date, enter a relationship, when I am in a position and my spidey 'attachment' senses are picking up on something, I am 9 times out of 10 right, but I don't trust myself enough being an anxious person to remove myself. this is common as 'we' don't always like conflict/ending relationships easily even when they aren't good.

A frustrating and tragic paradox.
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Old 14th April 2019, 5:54 AM   #25
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First of all, let me say thank you to you.

I didn't know about attachment styles and by reading your post, I researched about it on Google and OMG! It seems like all was revealed to me about how I am and why I have been in the kind of relationships I have been, especially this last one!

I have an anxious attachment style too. I tend to attract avoidants. Their withdrawal, aloofness, being closed off, etc, just feeds my anxiety and keeps me in this toxic cycle.

I've had a similar experience to you lately.

I've met a guy who seemed sooooo available and open and secure in the beginning and lovebombed me too to an extent.

I didn't know about attachment styles at that time, but now I realise I have been looking for someone with a secure attachment for all my life!

When I met this guy and he seemed so open and available, I thought subconciously this is it! I found him! The secure emotionally available guy is finally here!

So I didn't pay attention to the red flags, and soon after the dynamic started: he revealed his true self: avoidant. And he started to avoid, withdraw, be closed off, etc. And it triggered my anxiety of course.

So he ended up breaking up with me too after saying I was the love of his life.

I understand now what happened. I guess he's also looking for that woman with a secure attachment and thought it was me. When he saw my anxious behaviour, it triggered him and he ran away.

We're now texting each other as friends (his idea), and I don't know what's gonna happen.

But I've just realised I do have to change my attachment style with myself and become secure, even before a secure partner comes up. Because it is the only way for me to be happy with msyelf first and then and to have a healthy relationship with someone else.

So thank you SO much for your post and for helping me on this.

By reading your last post, I don't think it's a question of not trusting yourself or being unworthy. It's more that you're used to a certain pattern of behaviour so you stay and don't listen to your gut instinct. Same here.

I'm definitely going to do something about it, because I AM worthy of a healthy and secure relationship, I've got no question about it. And my identity is NOT anxious. I am much more than that, and you too.

Last edited by missgirl2019; 14th April 2019 at 5:57 AM..
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