Is there anything I could have done differently? **Updated**

[wishyouneverleft]

Good evening,

 

 

After 3 tumultous years of trying, and trying, temporary breaks, and even seeing a therapist at my request, we've finally broken up. However, even though I see all the positives about the break up like no anxiety, focus on my career, no more stress, more confidence (she belittled my accomplishments or didn't support my efforts for us), I still wonder if there's something I could do to work things out. I'm such a mess and I really had feelings for her. She barely apologies for her dramatic behavior, always left our sessions sad or bothered by what she had to work on, and towards the end didn't really enjoy our company because she already wanted to move in. The therapist said because of the way the child is due to what his father does in regards to immature behavior (IE insults her in front of the child, still is in love with her), and the father himself because she doesn't set hard boundaries, she says the whole situation is disfunctional.

 

 

 

Has anyone been in this kind of situation? Can any tell me if there's anything I could have done differently? The first year together we were almost close to taking him to the courts and she changed her mind after the kid's father's parents intervened and pleaded with her that their son will change. It was one of the most devastating times of my life because I really wanted a future with her. Her apologies don't sound sincere either.

[wishyouneverleft]

Anyone? Any advice is greatly appreciated.

[yellowrose2014]

I have not been in your situation exactly. However, if you truly gave it 3 years and therapy and still couldn't work it out, it sounds like moving on is best.

She doesn't sound like she was as committed to making the relationship work.

I'm not sure I understand the situation with her ex. It does sound a bit convoluted and dysfuncytional.

Hang in there. You will get through this.

[bmh]

It sounds like you’ve done the very best you can. That’s really all you can do. You can move on knowing you put effort in and left no stone unturned.

 

As far as the ex goes, that is a situation that is 100% out of your control. You can not control his behavior nor hers. If she lacks boundaries with him well, that’s her mess to sort out. Best of luck to you.

[usa1ah]

Not really sure what to tell you. With out knowing any details.

 

Did she cheat.

 

Did you cheat

 

Did you play the choose me game.

 

Different advice for different reasons for the break up.

[wishyouneverleft]

MY bad, starting new thread.

Edited March 30, 2019 by wishyouneverleft
bad

[wishyouneverleft]

So here's the story more detailed.

 

 

We started going in 2016. She had a 2 year old at the time, and a lot of baby daddy drama. I broke up with her once because she kept letting him take advantage. I missed her and called her and she wanted to make things work.

 

 

 

Things got very serious and the kid was in our lives, I cared for him like he was my own and they stayed at my house whenever they could; even slept over at one point. Initially the kid's father was very negligent and watched the child when he pleased and if he was sick, he wouldn't watch him. So when her son had a virus and it was his week which he refused to take him, I stepped up and took care of him. He caught wind so now he was pissed and lashing out at her and using the child as a pawn. All of a sudden when I'm in the picture, he goes beserk and tries to be a "better dad". The verbal abuse, the threats, the disrespect was just unbearable so I told her when is she going to draw a line? She finally does, he crosses it, she finally agrees to take him to court. I moved my things around so we can go together and we're making progress, then one night while I'm doing a project for a client in the city, she tells me that his (child's father) parents are coming. She proclaimed she was going to stay strong and fight for our happniness, then all of a sudden after everyone intervened, she let him see the child just like that, no courts, no visitation schedule, no monitor. So we broke up again.

 

 

Fast forward to the final time we got back together, I tried everything and told her I need to see change, we even went to a relationship therapist. She was never happy after every session because the therapist pretty much pointed out to her a plethora of flaws that are hurting our relationship. I had my flaws too, but nothing that would break a relationship. My ex was frustrated that we wouldn't move in together even though she hasn't resolved any issues with the child's father. I refused to dive in again without seeing change.

 

 

 

This kept going on and on, and I gave my all, I wasn't the best in voicing my opinions and wasn't the perfect boyfriend. Finally she kept blaming me about cheating for all these years when I never EVER cheated on her. I asked her to stop bringing it up, the therapist even agrees that certain events that happened was not cheating, at all.

 

 

 

The events:

 

 

Before we broke up after the drama with the child's father, I met a woman and got her e-mail. I kept it strictly platonic, and once I felt there was a chance of something happening, I examined our relationship with my ex, broke it off, and THEN courted the new woman. This all happened in 3 days, it was a mistake, but I never cheated. There was only one e-mail that was exchanged before my intuition told me I needed to break it off, so I broke it off the next day. No even 72 hours passed between all of this. I just wanted to be fair to everyone.

 

 

 

 

 

Back to the story:

 

 

So we leave the therapist on a Thursday, I feel great because there's a sh^# load I need to work on, but I'm used to be outside my comfort zone, she again leaves unhappy and tells me, "what you said in there made me think, you don't see supported and I remember this other therapist said that when you feel your the only one giving, you're prone to cheat". At that point the pain hits me, because every time I remember that period, I also get hit with the pain from when she did what she did with the child's father. So I sleep it off and the next morning I text her a good morning, but the pain of last night came back and I told her, she apologized, by this time I was fed up and told her I don't accept her apologize. She calls me at 5 pm and I explain to her I need time to think, I call her at 10 pm and we talk, I tell her I need time to breath and relax. She didn't like it and threatened to break up with me; I asked if that's what she wanted, she said no. So she reluctantly agrees and the next day I wake up in pain missing her like mad, but I was going to stay strong and wait until Friday when we saw the therapist, happy I still feel this unconditional love despite it all. When I look at my social media, I see she blocked me in everything, including WhatsApp. I call her, straight to voicemail. The pain was so hard and I stood there dazed and decided this is best for the both of us. I also block everything and decide to move on. She called me later on, but it was too late. I can't play these games. But I love her and it was super painful

 

 

 

The son:

The son was very fickle. most of the time he resented me, told me that he never wants me living with them. He's bitten skin of my hand, finger when I tried to calm him down when he's thrown tantrums. He's threatened to tell his father on me on false accusations. There were points we got along so well, he loved all of us together, and then when my ex would allow the child's father to influence him more and more without setting boundaries or taking him to court, he was able to turn the son against me. I never wanted the father out of the picture, I just wanted something on paper so we have legal rights in the event he brought drama into our household.

 

 

 

 

 

The question I guess that I'm asking is, has anyone had any success with dating a woman with a child and a very immature child's father in the picture AND ran a successful business and maintained a career?

Edited March 30, 2019 by wishyouneverleft

[wishyouneverleft]

Anything guys?

[preraph]

They're both immature. She won't set boundaries or stick to anything because I guess she's too intimidated by her baby's father or fears making him mad. Her son doesn't actually want you there, well, because what stellar role models he's had.

 

Honestly, I get you're emotionally involved, but it seems to me it would be a giant relief to no longer have to deal with this situation, and in the process, it might be doing her a favor showing her that not setting boundaries is going to run off any and all men.

 

If I were you, I'd run on out of that mess, honestly. I don't see how you can resolve anything if she won't even just get the normal court ordered custody agreements and child support going and go by that to keep the ex from maintaining control over her life, which is what he's successfully doing. She must like it or she'd get it stopped.

 

I just think you don't need this kind of stuff in your life.

[wishyouneverleft]

She tells me she loves me, but tells me she doesn't want to be with me because I broke it off four times. She doesn't understand her mistakes and the fact she was the one that pushed me to cut it off. She would constantly tell me she's evaluating the relationship and see where we are in 3 months, tell me she could have found men that would put up with her situation, tell me she wants to leave me but can't. How can I stay with someone who says that? I could go on, but now she again leaves me in pieces yesterday after she sent me an e-mail she couldn't do this. After I accepted the fact she's gone, I took off work to cope with this pain and went out in the evening to get my mind off this issue, she calls me today in the morning 4 times while I was asleep. I didn't call back, but I'm in pain and don't know what to do. Part of me sees this as a toxic relationship and wants this to let this go.

[stillafool]

I agree with you that the relationship is toxic. I don't blame you for not wanting to get involved with a woman who has another man's child with no clear rules legally documented. You didn't say whether the father pays her child support or not. The child will always want their parents back together so I doubt his father has to do much persuading. It is very much a problem that this lady won't get her business in order regarding her parental rights and it puts you in an insecure position because you really can't be sure she won't end up back with the child's father. Oh my. I couldn't be bothered with all of that.

[preraph]

I'm sorry, but I think you'll be relieved once you get past the hurt. I can't stand people who won't deal with their problems and expect others to support them anyway. I think she'll find men to have sex with her but until she cleans up her own back yard, she won't find one who wants to take that on.

[wishyouneverleft]

This has been so painful. I had to take Friday off from work after she wrote that final e-mail telling me she can't do this (after crying and going back and forth on the subject). We had a session with a relationship therapist we were going to. To make matters worse, she calls me out of the blue yesterday morning (4 missed calls). I don't know what her end game is, but I blocked her.

[wishyouneverleft]

Would any of you date a single mother with a child where:

 

 

1. The child's father is still in love with them (proposed to her while you guys were on a break)?

 

2. Where he tries to manipulate the son to find a way in?

 

3. Where she allows all this behavior and puts little to no boundaries?

 

4. Where she undermines your career and dreams and passions saying your only interested in money rather then supporting you in your dream?

 

5. Where she gets mad at you for not wanting to move in together without making the necessary changes in her situation to be able to have a stable household without the child's father fighting with her at your doorstep like he already does at her house? He also stated he wanted to "talk" to you to tell you all the dark secrets about her.

 

6. Refuses to take him to court unless you are there to support her physically and financially, after you already did before a year ago, had court dates set, and then suddenly she capitulates to pressure from her family and his and lets the kid see his father like normal and doesn't proceed with the court dates. The issue that got to this point was his verbally abusive nature to her and at times the child as well.

 

 

7. Be around a kid that lies and says he's going to tell his dad on you so he can beat you up, also says he doesn't want you living with them?

 

 

8. Doesn't take responsibility for her actions and rarely apologies.

 

 

 

9-20, the list goes on, but we'll leave it at that.

 

 

 

 

In this scenario, you're a 33 year old career professional that's getting a startup off the ground with a promising future and loves life... she's a 30 year old mother to a 5 year old that graduated college a year ago and just started working her first full-time job.

 

 

 

 

 

Please tell me at least how I could have been able to put up with all of this, if there was any hope or I could of done something better. We're over, but I'm trying to figure out what I could of done better.

Edited April 28, 2019 by wishyouneverleft

[Happy Lemming]

Would any of you date a single mother

 

Let's just stop there... No, I would not date a single mother.

 

That is item #1 on deal breaker list.

 

I tried to date a single mother once and it was a complete disaster. I learned my lesson and will NEVER EVER make that mistake again.

 

Let the single fathers date the single mothers. I have no children and will only date women without children.

 

You've listed 8 very compelling reasons why you shouldn't date a single mother, and could list 20 or more. I think you've answered your own question.

 

Time to move on, you've learned a very valuable lesson. No more single mothers!!

[Artdeco]

I am sure you could have done many things "better", just like she could have, too, I guess.

 

I am thinking mostly about the boy, TBH, and as a stepparent (or "mom's boyfriend"), I don't think you'd have the necessary patience and stamina. The little guy is 5, for crying out loud, and you accuse him of lying...... ...... yes, they do that, not only when they are five. There would be more coming along the way. You have seen nothing (in terms of parenting). To put that incident on your bullet list as a justification for leaving his mother tells me everything.

 

As far as the father's involvement is concerned, well, I don't think it's her fault that he still likes her. And honestly, if you have a child together, no matter how much you hate your ex, you just take the high road and stay amicable. There's nothing gained from telling him off. Just ignore. Coparent. Smile. And ignore some more. This does not mean she's encouraging him. She is just trying to get along for their kid.

 

You as the BF should stay out of it completely, especially if you can't be supportive, which seems to be the case here.

 

I think your decision to end it was solid. It would be a complicated relationship. She doesn't support your dream, you don't have respect for her career, you are not supporting her coparenting, the ex bothers you (he will always be around), and I think the child bothers you as well (deep down ......... it's just hard to admit, I get it). So yeah - the question depends on who is asking. YOU apparently are not built for this type of relationship/woman. I am sure others are, and there are other guys who would be able and willing to be more patient and supportive. And they would date her. Does not mean you have to.

[wishyouneverleft]

I was with her for 3 years and I was there for the child, moved my client calls and engagements to drive him to his day care while she went to class, watched him while she was working or also in class, took care of him emotionally and financially, when the father refused to take care of him on this weekend because he was sick, I took care of him and he gave all of us in my house pink eye. I rarely quit at the peak of problems, only when my body and mind is tapped out do I make these hard decisions.

 

 

The father because so abusive before she finally capitulated to take him to court. The kid was suffering as well. They were sleeping at my house at one point to avoid the drama in her house.

Edited April 28, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[snowcones]

Too much drama. You're only 30, can't you find a single childless woman who tickles your fancy?

[Happy Lemming]

... took care of him emotionally and financially, when the father refused to take care of him

 

Why would you take care of another man's seed?? If you want to have children, find a woman (without prior off spring) and make your own.

 

Let bio-Dad take care of his kid, if he refuses let bio-Mom and the courts figure it out. Why do you feel the need to be the "Knight in Shining Armor" to save this woman from her previous actions with bio-Dad??

 

She made her bed, let her lie in it...

[wishyouneverleft]

Too much drama. You're only 30, can't you find a single childless woman who tickles your fancy?

 

 

 

 

To be honest, this was someone I met from OKC when I attempted online dating. This moved fast and I caught feelings.

[snowcones]

To be honest, this was someone I met from OKC when I attempted online dating. This moved fast and I caught feelings.

 

 

Well that's okay. We all make mistakes.

 

You could continue to date single moms, but you need to take things slower with them until you find out what the situation really is. Or, you can ask all your questions upfront. That's the stance I usually take. Anyone who is offended by your questions is probably guilty.

 

 

Or, you can just date childless women. There are filters on dating sites for that. And if you choose that, one rule you should have is to not even talk to single moms (no matter how hot they are). Just ignore ignore ignore.

[wishyouneverleft]

Well that's okay. We all make mistakes.

 

You could continue to date single moms, but you need to take things slower with them until you find out what the situation really is. Or, you can ask all your questions upfront. That's the stance I usually take. Anyone who is offended by your questions is probably guilty.

 

 

Or, you can just date childless women. There are filters on dating sites for that. And if you choose that, one rule you should have is to not even talk to single moms (no matter how hot they are). Just ignore ignore ignore.

 

 

 

 

Unless I have a child of my own, I'm not dating a single mother again.

[preraph]

This woman is just wanting to use you to pay for her messy divorce and custody stuff. This is completely unacceptable. Her husband can pay for it after it's all settled or as the court rules. She isn't taking care of her business.

 

Having you in the picture will influence the court in an adverse way, not a positive way. She's dumb as a box of rocks if she thinks having you there will be a positive for her in court decisions. You will be considered a complication and nothing more by the court.

 

You are nuts to stay here when she won't take care of her own busines and have boundaries and do what it takes on her own to settle this mess with her husband. All she's doing is giving him ammo having you around! And around her kids!

 

If I were you I would have fled long ago.

[todreaminblue]

I feel that you gave it a shot and found out dating a single mum isnt for you...it isnt easy to look after children that aren't your own ...takes a lot more effort because you have to fall in love with the child too and that love isnt there to begin with......it needs to be built.....

 

as far as the boy goes...dont blame him for his behaviours sounds like he has witnessed fights and disagreements and maybe he has overheard you mentioned and not in a good way....you just dont know...maybe it is attention he seeks from his dad and mum(the lying the lashing out at you verbally ), maybe he doesnt understand whats really going on and is finding it hard to deal with ...dont blame him he is too young to know better.....he needs a lot of tlc to go through the break up ....more so than the parents...which brings me to court ....its not your responsibility in any way shape or form or was it your responsibility to pay for court proceedings....

 

a lot of parents avoid court because its a horrible thing to go through especially with children involved and ultimately its better if you can work things out without court sometimes court takes years and a hell of a lot of money.....sounds like this broken family needs counselling more than a courthouse.....if they argue now...court isnt necessarily going to make it better could make it a whole lot worse...especially for the boy....some kids you know have grown up ...in court.....unable to see any resolution between parents.....courts are not family counselling although a lot of the time they offer that as being a solution...after years of money and time.....

 

and honestly i feel by the sounds of it , mum needs to concentrate on her child at the moment and stop the blame game as far as your concerned....

 

dating single mums isnt for every guy......and i feel this single mum in particular has some stuff to work on before dating anyone.....i have been there....and i chose not to date at that time and many times after and im glad i chose not to...i have had some major issues with my kids going through the break up and raising them to adult hood.........and i received the best compliment the other day from my exes mother ....who said to me...deb i just want to say you have done a beautiful job in raising your girls.....and it was the best compliment ever .....because i have sacrificed a lot..and sometimes i feel like such a failure...because i have not raised perfect children....we have had and do have many problems..but i sacrificed to make sure i was there for them and will be there for them when they need me.....raising children is damn hard work.....i have raised kind compassionate giving girls..but its taken blood sweat and tears and i dont expect that blood sweat and tears not to be an ongoing....

 

you have children for life....not just until they are adults....its a huge commitment

 

and if you take it on with a single mum and want to be a role model to any child they have and feel respected...its hard yards ahead...as any parent or parent should know and expect..after a break up...kids can do and often act out....they need a massive amount of help...people say kids adapt...i say not all kids adapt at all...kids get heartbroken more so sometimes than the parents....and they put huge walls up

 

therefore.....you are already on the back foot because you have to love them first....before they can love you.....they need to feel it and trust you before those walls come down...and these are kids from a broken home....expect distrust....and issues.....and you weren't there to accept the issues and acting out...its too much for you to deal with..thats not your fault....

 

being a step parent...is probably not for you..as i said huge commitment..and that's ok that it isnt for you.....i wish you well in dating ......the women that are right for you.....deb

Edited April 28, 2019 by todreaminblue

[wishyouneverleft]

I feel that you gave it a shot and found out dating a single mum isnt for you...it isnt easy to look after children that aren't your own ...takes a lot more effort because you have to fall in love with the child too and that love isnt there to begin with......it needs to be built.....

 

 

I was all in, but every time she would not put up boundaries or basically expected me to handle the problems she created, it took a lot out of me. There was barely any peace in the household. How could I come home to that every night? To a child I can't reprimand and listening to my woman complain about how much of an ass her ex was to her and threatened her with immature epithets like calling immigration on her?

Edited April 30, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator