He loves someone else, is it okay to still love him?

[Moss_ter]

Okay so be prepared for some back story.

*names have been changed for privacy

 

I’m a sophomore in high school. Earlier this year I started dating a guy named liam, he was a junior had been known as a “f*boy” loved his car and was a sax player in marching band with me. At the time, I had just been broken up with at the end of the year (I stated dating liam in late August) and he had been flirting with me dispite already having a girl, I told him it was her or me, he broke up with her and we starting dating soon after.

 

Fast forward to the beginning of the year, everything had been going great it was like a dream first day of school though when he’s driving me home he tells me about a girl named Emma, a foreign exchange student from Italy. She has a crush on him. I of course immediately don’t like her, but liam kept promising me he’d never leave me for her, she was leaving at the end of the year after all. Now, over time, I could see he was starting to like her, our relationship had gone over some obstacles lately and I was scared he’d leave me, after all a lot of people rumored he was cheating on me with her.

 

I talked to him about it, and he said he could never speak to her again if I wanted him too, I realize now I should have said yes more then anything, but I said no because his last friends moved away and I didn’t want him without someone to talk to other then me. Couple weeks around Christmas (few weeks after he asked) he started getting distant and I got worried, then he texted me day of Christmas break to tell me that he wanted to take a break, that he loved me and I’ve made him happy.

 

I was okay with it because I thought we would get back together, "this is just a pause not a cut, i'll come back" as he said next day however he’s posting in his story about Emma. This happened for a month and a half until he admitted they were dating. Through that time period I had constantly nagged him about what was going on, was he dating emma or not, did he ever love me, I didn’t really understand what was going on, he kept telling me they weren’t dating I need to calm down. Later on after he’d had enough of my temper tantrum he finally sat down with me to talk, admitted that he was taking a break to see who he loved more and that he messed up not telling me straightforwardly, I never got to ask if was really ever going to come back, he said he loved her and wanted to be with her.

 

He drove her to school everyday (he used to drive me but my parents didn’t like it). He always saw her everyday in class, of course he’d fall more ”in love” with her. The “break” was her idea, because of that I guess you could say I’ve always remained hopeful. I still love him, 3 months later I still think of him, I’m still jealous, I still cry over him. I have already received “closure” in a way but I’m not sure if he’d ever want to get back together. I keep trying to move on but it’s like I just can’t every guy isn’t him, I’m waiting until she leaves the country to see what happens.

 

I know I can make the relationship work, but I don’t think he really wants me back. What we had was special, to me at least, he was the first guy to care, I trusted him greatly, and he was always able to keep me calm when I stressed out. Everyone thinks it’s a bad idea, his friends think I’m annoying, but can I really be blamed for acting out looking for answers?

 

What should I do? Do any of you have advice? Did we just meet at the wrong time?

Should I try to get back with him?

Edited March 24, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[darkmoon]

He is young, so unless his sexual history number stays, ludicrously, at 2 forever, there will be you her and whoever else.

 

This means time is on your side. Use it well, make plans, for he is not near to settling down at this time because he is still young. Bide your time.

[d0nnivain]

He's a guy who branches from girl to girl. You were just one more girl to him. Sorry. You thought it was special. He did not share that view. As you hold out hope all you do is keep yourself locked in misery. You have to reframe the narrative from "oh I love him & want him back" to "if he's so stupid as to not see what a great catch I am, who needs him. I'm going to find a new guy who appreciates me."

[stillafool]

Sweetheart we have all been where you are with a first love that happened in high school. HS boys have one thing on their mind and it's sex with as many girls as they can get. Unfortunately this continues through college and then into their 20s. Don't hold out to get him back. Keep dating and try to meet guys who are not in your school as you will probably not be attracted to them. You will be okay.

[preraph]

He's just moved on to the next girl. That's mainly what people your age do, especially boys. They see every woman like a chocolate they'd like to eat. They are not mature enough to want to settle down, and it's really too soon to.

 

You MUST stop waiting for him and here's why. Even if she dumps him tomorrow and he comes crawling to you for sympathy and to pump up his ego that someone still wants him, you would have shown him that no matter how bad he treats you (breaking up, leaving you on hold saying he'll come back and then going off with another girl), you will take that bad treatment, and his treatment will get worse and worst because he'll know you'll put up with anything.

 

So this is the time you sit down with yourself and make some boundaries. Maybe ask your mom or aunt or just someone a little older who seems to do okay and have nice men in her life to help you make a list of rules or boundaries what to put up with and what not to.

 

The first one is, Never give a guy a second chance to tell you he doesn't want you.

[yololin]

Maybe include more paragraphs next time.

[basil67]

Of course you can still love him....but ask yourself if it's a sensible way to spend your time.

[ExpatInItaly]

This is but one of many boys you will date in the coming years, OP.

 

I know it hurts a lot when you're in the midst of it, but by this time next year, you will barely remember his name.

[lolita888]

It is okay to still love. After all... you cannot teach your heart whom to love and what to feel.

BUT then again are you willing to waste your time on a man and love that may never love you in return?

It may be painful right now and you may think that you may not fall for someone else again - but you will. You will get through with it. Fall in love - get hurt, reject and be loved- until you find the right one at the right time.