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Feel like I have to break up with my mentally unstable girlfriend, but I still care.


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Old 14th March 2019, 2:52 PM   #1
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Feel like I have to break up with my mentally unstable girlfriend, but I still care.

Hi all,

This is a complicated one and I’ve been keeping it to myself so long that it’s actually making me depressed now.....

I’ve been with my girlfriend for just over a year now, she’s 30 and I’m 43. The beginning of the relationship was great and we fell for each other fast. I’d been single and dating for three years before meeting her and had never clicked with someone until I met her. She also had a 4 year old son who is a great kid, I’ve met him and we bonded pretty quickly too.

A month or so in she revealed to me that she suffered badly with spells of severe anxiety and had been on medication for depression since she was 13. She had an abusive childhood and was frequently beaten and isolated by her strict Catholic mother.

I was very much in love with her so I went about reading and learning how to be the best supportive partner I could be to help her with her bouts of serious anxiety.

Things were going well and I was helping her through her bad times when one evening while we out on a date (4 months in) she started saying that she didn’t think I was ready for a serious relationship and that things were not going to work out. In other words pushing me away out of the blue. I tried my best to not get upset by this and kept insisting that I was ready and I loved her... she wouldn’t take my reassurance on board and we ended up in a huge fight, she stormed off and went home.

The day after she called me and told me she’d been self harming that night when she went home... banging her head against a wall until it was bruised and holding her arm in under hot water until she was scolded. I was in serious shock when she told me this and didn’t know how to respond so I told her to talk to someone professional about it and leave me alone for a few hours to process what she was telling me.

She then started crying and saying I was going to dump her... again I tried to reassure her but she just wouldn’t listen so I asked her to give me time to think.

an hour later she turned up at my door and began being quite verbally abusive towards me, I asked her to leave and she burst into tears, said that her life wasn’t worth living and started banging her head on my kitchen cupboard door... I tried to get oh restriAn her to stop her from hurting herself when she picked up a glass and went to throw it... I felt very threatened and was sure she was going to throw it at me so I grabbed her wrist and the glass smashed on the floor. She then collapsed on the floor crying and saying sorry, telling me how much she loved me and that she wasn’t going to throw the glass at me, just that she wanted to hurt herself.

She stayed with me that night and I comforted her... she told me she’d been self harming for years.

Again, I read up onto how to be supportive and things calmed down. She had bad spells of anxiety and hurt herself by pulling out her own hair... but nothing as violent as before.

Since then we’ve had some really great times together, we make each other laugh a lot and our sex life has been great...

I thought thing were going well until last week when we went on a date and she has a serous panic attack in our local pub... she wouldn’t look at me and too off a ring she always wears and threw it on the floor for no reason. She then told me that my ex girlfriend has been sending her, her family and friends messages sarning her off me, saying that I’m very manipulative and worst of all that I have previously been sectioned and spent time in a psychiatric hospital. NONE of that is true.... I’m not perfect but these things are so far off the mark it’s shocking.

I asked her to show me the messages, but as yet she hasn’t. I’ve been in touch with my ex (we’ve been split up for 4 years now and still get on well as friends... we’ve been friends for over ten years and weee together for 5) my ex told me that she hasn’t ever sent anyone any messages about me.

I was obviously very upset by this and have since asked my girlfriend to screen cap and send me the messages many times... which she said she would but still hasn’t. It’s been three days now and still no proof.

My gut tells me she has made this elaborate lie up for some reason. I’m now at my wits end and completely depleted emotionally... I still care about her but for the most part I’m just numb and disengaged. I don’t think I can go on like this.

I asked her to give me some space, it’s my grans funeral on Monday so I requested she leave me alone until after that.... but she continues to get in touch saying how much she lives me and doesn’t want to lose me.

I’m actually starting to feel like I’m losing my mind, so much so I had to take the day off work today as I just couldn’t find the energy to be around people.

I’m almost sure I want out of the relationship if I’m worried about what she might do. I don’t want her to hurt herself.

ANY advice or suggestions would help so much right now.... I’ve spoken to friends but I don’t want to give them all the details so they just tell me to talk things through with her..... please help... I’m worn out. Thanks all.....

Last edited by LoveShack.org Moderator; 14th March 2019 at 4:10 PM..
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Old 14th March 2019, 4:29 PM   #2
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I think you would be wise to end this relationship.

She has the type of problems you cannot help her with, and her behaviour is destructive - both to herself, and to you. You tried to be supportive but it seems this is far above your pay grade. Anxiety is not the only issue here. I understand your friends say to talk it through, but since they don't know the whole story, I would discount their advice as inadvertently misguided.

Given you have valid concerns about self-harm, I would be gentle when you end it. Do you know of any of her friends or other family members you could discreetly ask to check on her well-being after the fact? If she threatens to hurt herself, or actually does it, call emergency services. Immediately.
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Old 14th March 2019, 5:19 PM   #3
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Honestly you have to save yourself here.

Her problems are bigger than what you can fix.

As crappy as it may sound, loving someone this mentally ill will make YOU lose your sanity.

Can you imagine years of this? How much stress would be added to your life? How much turmoil. How much hurt. How much sorrow, and eventually probably anger?

It would do a serious number on you. I have seen people lose careers, houses, and their mental health being in relationships like this.

It's only been a year, and yet it has already been full of drama. You aren't even living together yet - I can only imagine how crazy it would get sharing a space.

It's going to hurt to break up with her, but a lot less than it will hurt if you try to make a life with her.

The hand she has been delt is a sad one, but you didn't create this, and it's not your responsibility nor in your capability to fix it.
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Old 14th March 2019, 5:47 PM   #4
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She is definitely not stable enough to be in a relationship. I would end this, and I wouldn't go to her house alone to do it. Can you do it over the phone, or have someone wait in the car while you do it? She sounds like she could be violent with you or threaten suicide when you break up with her.
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Old 14th March 2019, 5:49 PM   #5
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Agreeing with the above. I'm not a MH professional, but my belief is that unfortunately your GF needs professional help.

VERY strongly suggest you do your best to see to it that she gets the help she needs (she has a child). Whether or not that's possible, you should back off unless and UNTIL she has the help she needs. Possibly to include medication. Being emotionally attached to this person will be at best a nightmare. At worst you will be arrested and possibly imprisoned on a false assault charge.

Also VERY strongly suggest you buy a VAR and keep it with you when you interact with her, especially during a breakup. If she notices, it will bother her, but this may be needed for you to protect yourself.

I had a college GF who did this (once). She slammed her own head down on a doorknob and ended up with a huge goose egg. So there I was, her BF walking around with her. Other students were looking at me and, from the looks they were giving me, jumping to incorrect conclusions. Some very, very nasty looks. That was enough for me to end it.
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Old 14th March 2019, 5:52 PM   #6
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If you stay with her you better look into finding experienced dry wall contractors in the area because it sounds like you'll be patching a lot of holes.
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Old 14th March 2019, 5:56 PM   #7
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Number 1, you be sure you don't get her pregnant. Last thing she needs.

Number 2, obviously not stable enough to be trying to get in a relationship and needs to work on herself. You can't change her. She has to seek help herself and want to change and be willing to do what it takes, and few are.
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Old 15th March 2019, 8:31 AM   #8
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Get out and dont look back. You could end up with a glass impaled in your face next time.
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