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Ultimate Breakup (Healing) Guide And No Contact Truth


Breaks and Breaking Up It happens to most everyone at some point in life! Share your experiences!

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Old 12th March 2019, 3:26 PM   #1
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Ultimate Breakup (Healing) Guide And No Contact Truth

Having been in the dating community for a long time, doing pickup and learning every day about myself and others, gaining a lot of reference experience over these last few years, reading tons of books, plus going through a breakup myself right now, here is a detailed breakup guide and why you have less hope of rekindling things with your ex than you think, especially if she is hot. Some of the things written are from various sources.
RSD is one of them, some psychology blogs other.
All backed up by my experience and that is the reason for this thread. RSDMax and his new video inspired this thread, I hope it brings you value.

Now, I know. I am an ******* for trying to destroy your hope by saying you will most likely not get your ex back, but I am also destroying my hope as well, as this last breakup has truly hit me hard. I am sad, angry, and want to reach out to my ex more than ever; but i won't.
And you should not and you WILL not. Not because you have some crazy tactic where you "make" her miss you or anything like that.
No, instead, focus on yourself and try to heal as much as you can, move on. Okay, easier said than done, and I agree.

This thread will tell you why it is really unlikely that you will rekindle things with your ex with no contact or any other method the "get your ex back" coaches teach you.
There are better methods, and even they are not guaranteed to succeed.

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First of all, one thing is for sure. What worked best for me in the past, and for many others is to get through all phases of a breakup.
I will be writing this as the person who was dumped obviously. The phases you go through are pretty much well known.
There are more, however, general ones that lead to healthy healing are:

Denial or apathy (you don't want to do anything, you are depressed and you are not interested in talking to anyone.
This happens right after you were dumped and is different for every person, mostly depending on how long did the relationship last and what kind of a connection you two had).

Anger ("**** her, she was stupid anyway, I hate her" -- This is what your friends tell you when you go out the first time after a breakup -"**** her man, let's **** bitches"
if you are a man and most likely "come on babe, let's put you inside that beautiful dress and all men will flock towards you" if you are a woman.
They do that to move you through the denial phase quickly.)

After you stop blaming her and yourself, you get to truly look back and learn from the experience.
It will still be hard and you are still sensitive about her, but it is much easier than it was.
It is easier for you when you see her in public and you could even possibly talk to her shortly without looking desperate.
You then look back and can honestly, without too many emotions involved, objectively look back at your relationship and realize that it is both of your faults.
You made mistakes, she made mistakes.

Then, you accept the breakup as it is, you become grateful for everything you two had and you finally move on.
At this stage, you are healthy, there is no anger towards your ex, no negative emotions towards your relationship and you get to truly appreciate it as it was.
You become happy and it is an amazing feeling. If you were doing no contact, now is a good time to hit her up because you are in the right frame of mind.
If you see her out, you will be able to talk to her without any problem. This stage, however, will take a while to reach.

To get through a breakup, you will need to hit most of the phases above. And most of us hit all of them.
The worse thing you can do is to suppress them. No matter what anyone says, do NOT do that. That way, it will take you a looong time to get through it. Meaning?
You wanna cry? Cry. And no guys, when you cry, you are not being a "bitch". It is normal.
You spent a lot of time with the other person and you were emotionally involved.
You met her friends and family, you had sex, you had a connection and you bonded. We are humans, not robots. It is normal.
Especially during the Denial phase. If you wanna cry, and trust me, you will want to cry, do it.
Doing what you feel is the best way to get over that phase and a big step forward to getting better.
Do not suppress anything. Feeling angry? Yell in your pillow, etc.
Now, some people go through relapse phases, where everything kind of resets and you are at the beginning.
That is what happens when you do not go through all the phases as you should.
When you try to force it to go by quicker and then it just gets suppressed inside you.
It also happens if you don't go "no contact" and are constantly looking at your exes social media or even seeing her or him in person too soon.
In this phase, you are almost certainly going to send your ex a message because you are missing them so much and you want to hear from them.
The thing is; don't. If you have a need to do it, open up a word document and write your feelings there.
Cry if you need to, call a friend after that, you will feel better.
For me, if I am feeling that usual anxiety in the denial phase, I immediately shoot a text to my friend.
After we talk, I always feel better, and even start to smile.

Another thing; talk to your friends. I know that I said to do what you feel, but this is an exception.
Start going out, when your friends call you to do an activity with them, they are doing it for a reason.
They know you are sad, depressed, and they hate to see you like that.
Turning them down is not a good thing, because when you do an activity with them, you will forget about your breakup, and you will, for those 2 hours, enjoy life as you did before. It will help you go through the denial phase faster. If you are really really sad, feel like **** or just really depressed, then don't go, but at least talk to one of them about what you are feeling, and maybe after you start feeling better, then go.

Now, you might not like what I will say here, but it is important to pick yourself up and go socialize.
Go to a party and start approaching other people and other girls if you are a guy doing pickup.
You will feel like **** and they will see that you are sad and depressed, but at least you are trying to move forward, and who knows, maybe you meet someone.
For me, since I am into pickup, I like going out immediately after the breakup and game, just to get back into the flow and to casually break off that rust.
Plus, being with your friends and talking to other people will most definitely make you happier, even if only for a short period of time, but it is still a good start.
Keep in mind though, after every party or event when you were happy with your friends and forgot about your ex, once you are home inside your dark silent room, you will feel instant depression, at least I do. For a few hours you have suppressed those feelings and were happy, and now they are coming back since you are still in the denial phase. Go to sleep, you will feel better in the morning, cry if you have to.

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I want to talk about why no contact will most likely not work if your ex is a really hot girl or even an average girl (if you are a guy).
No contact is an amazing thing, do not get me wrong. After a breakup, you are to go no contact immediately, that is the most important rule of all.
You are to give your ex what she wants; space and peace. You do not contact her and you forget about her.
If you do, even those slim chances you had are now ruined. But a lot of people get the wrong idea about why they should do no contact.
They think it is to "make" their ex miss them until he or she decides to contact them and wants to rekindle their relationship.
And when the ex doesn't contact them (and they most likely won't), they get even more depressed after few months, which is a period when you should be well on your way of returning to your old self. Instead, you should use no contact to heal yourself. Forget about them, and go through the phases above.
That is the real reason for no contact, not to be manipulative and expect them to message you.
I have seen tons of guys and even my close friends go no contact with the sole purpose of getting the person back.
They go through every day with the hope that their ex will contact them and every time they receive a message, a rush of anxiety runs through them because they think it is their ex. And then when it is not, they are disappointed and sad.
They look at their phone every two minutes in hope of receiving a message from them, a lot of people even stop messaging their friends or don't respond to their friends because they are disappointed it is not the person they had hoped it will be.
If you do that every day, you will never get over that person. Stop stalking them, stop expecting anything, and most importantly STOP HAVING HOPE.
Hope is the worst thing you can have after a breakup because it will never let you move on.
You will always think that your relationship is not truly over and there is a "chance."

Guys and girls, please do not fall into that trap that no contact will definitely work and that it will rekindle your relationship.
First of all, no contact is different for guys and girls, as well as breakup in general. We go through it differently, since men and women are both very different.

Now to kill some more hope guys, mine, as well as yours. If your ex is very beautiful, like a standard 10 or a 9, you will 90% not get her back.
At least not in the near future. Sucks, I know, I am in the same boat as you.
Why will you not get her back? It is really simple actually. Think about it.
She broke up with you, and of course, after that period of relief, she will be a bit sad too, if you went no contact.
However, the difference is that she gets attention all the time, unlike you who are in a downward spiral and rusty since you have not been gaming for quite some time. My girl, for example, has about 10 new guys hit her up every day, and it was like that every day when we were together.
Do you think that she will sit in her room and cry? Probably not, because she gets VALIDATED all day long, and I mean literally the whole day.
From her male friends, from the other orbiters, and finally from new guys that hit her up.
She is literally getting hit up all the time with people calling her beautiful and sexy.
In the denial phase, people want to hear compliments and kind words, that helps them get through it faster, and if you hear those words all the time every day, the denial phase will literally be almost non-existent. She will not miss you like you think she will because of all that.
And then she will go out, and an even bigger number of guys will hit on her and give her validation, and a lot of those guys will be players and her type, and she will move on even quicker. The thing is, she is sad and misses you, but just does not pay too much attention to it, nor does she have time to since everyone is drooling after her. This means that, while you are still in the denial phase, she is most likely to be done with all the phases (if she is really hot).
That's why, when you see your hot ex in a new relationship two weeks after you broke up, it is most likely not a rebound since she is already over you.
Sucks real bad I know.

While she has tons of options and gets tons of validation, you get none and on top of that, you are rusty and depressed.
Your inner self is a mess, and even if you try going out and being happy, it will take you a long time to truly get over her.
It won't help when you see her with a new guy either, it will probably cause a relapse to be honest.
That is why, if you think that you are not ready to see her, it is important to go to places where you are sure you will not see her. Stop looking at her social media also.

Now, I am not saying girls are cold or heartless. She is deep down suffering even more than you probably, but with all that validation and with the help of her female friends, she goes through all the phases very quickly.

No contact can work, but I have found that it mostly works with emotionally unstable people (girls with daddy issues, validation seeking people, insecure people etc.) or if you have been in a relationship for a long time and there is a certain habit formed.
Do not expect no contact to work, because the chances of it working are slim, almost nonexistent if your girl is hot.
Healthy, confident and honest people will never look back once the relationship is over and will continue plowing forward.
If they left you for someone else however, there is a good chance they will return after the breakup, but you should not accept anyone like that again in your life.

Finally, if you do not care about anything I wrote above, and you just want to get your ex back, what do you do?
Well, no contact CAN work, but it is a slim chance and you should do it for your sake, not the other persons.

First, go no contact. Go through all the phases I mentioned above and heal yourself. Go out, enjoy life, start dating again, meet new people.

Second, work on yourself. Go to the gym, read books, meditate, focus on becoming a better person, start making more money etc.
You should always do that, not only when you are single.

Third, re-attract her. The only real way to do this is to go out where she is. To a party or an event.
Let her see you happy, having a good time. And most importantly, let her see you talk to other girls.
Don't be too obvious because that is try hard, but do talk to other hot girls in her proximity.
Even if she does not see you, her friends will tell her, don't worry. Don't let her think that you are suffering because of the breakup.
She does not need to know that. Think about it carefully. She was attracted to you because of certain qualities you presented when you two met.
Then, you ****ed up and she left you. The only real way to attract her back is for her to see that you are the same guy she got attracted to.
Especially on top of that if she sees that same guy talking to hot girls who look like they are having a good time with him.
That will get her curious. Then it will be a lot easier to get her back if she is single of course.
After some time has passed and you think you are ready, when you pass near her, you can lightly tease her or make her laugh, to rekindle that attraction even more.
Do that every time you see her at a party. Also, post cool stuff on social media.
Let her see you enjoying life, even when you are in the denial phase. That is the only real way to get her back, and one that has the most chances of working.

And lastly, what I want to add is: Do not, under any circumstance, be a dick to your ex even if you see her during your denial phase, or let her see you sad or butthurt. That is exactly why you go no contact and heal. If, however, you encounter her when you are still suffering, in the club or an event, or she contacts you during no contact, when she comes and says hi, you say hi back and tell her it is nice to see her.
Smile, be the same person she met, be with her how you would with any of your friends.
Show her that you are happy as it is and that it is her loss. After saying that, tell her it was nice to see her and be on your way.
After some months have passed and you are truly over her, by slowly building attraction in the ways explained above and when you think you are ready, you can then try to hit her up again if you want.

Last edited by Chrys; 12th March 2019 at 3:48 PM..
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