She broke up with me 4 days ago

[Earlybird111]

Hi there, this is my first post here, and I hope you can give me an advice!

 

We had a relatively short relationship, 4 months long (I’m 37 / she’s 39). We had a lot in common. Both were halfway out of a marriage / middle of a divorce, both have a 3 year old daughter on our own. We both met our wife/husband 13 years ago, and got married around the same time.

 

When we first met, we instantly clicked, it was like a dream. Everything went fine. I knew that we were in the same situation, we understood each other well, our family issues, etc. We had limited time to meet (2-3x a week) since we had to deal with our families too. But with time I really fell for her. I didn’t plan this, this is just happened. We planned some getaways together for a couple of days, etc.

 

I'm in the middle of a divorce, we have closed our relationship with my wife months ago, and I'm about to move out in these days. My Ex-GF is in the middle of her divorce, her husband is already moved out, so I thought it’ll be fine. And everything went fine until 2 weeks ago. She got a really bad flu, with high fever, and we could only talk on the phone. After her illness, we met again, and everything was like before, not a single problem. But after a week or so she started to keep distance, suddenly minimized the communication, we met less because she became quite busy. And last Friday she broke up with me.

 

I saw this coming, but I didn’t do anything because I just didn’t believe that this is happening. Since I never give her a reason for this, and we never had any fight! She told me she cannot do this anymore, and the problem was not me. She cannot continue to manage this relationship.

 

She told me that they still have a lot of programs with her Ex-husband because of her little daughter, and they still plan the holidays together etc., and that is a fact that she cannot change. She’s tied. She is doing it for her daughter. I think she’s trying to keep this “family image” alive, no matter that they just divorced. Not to mention that the guy is living literally 2 blocks away, and he’s spending his spare time at HER home (from 5pm to 9pm or so, each and every single day, not to mention the weekends!). Cooking for them, playing with the kid. Come on, it’s like that they were never divorced at all! They have nothing to do with each other, plus the guy’s blocking my way. I’m pretty sure that he knows about me, and try to play this game, not to let my Ex live her life. And it seems like he succeeded…

 

I think that she’s weak, and never really told a guy to move out. Either she’s not prepared for that, or she has a lot of benefit from her husband being there (taking care of child / cooking).

 

The breakup: After she told me this I told her that I love her, and would like to be with her, and I’m prepared to move out from my family, to be with her, and wanted to enter a next level.]She never wanted me to move in with her. Obviously because of the EX-Hb. Half of the time we were kissing and hugging, and she started these! Holding my hand, and she couldn’t let me go, etc. She wanted to take me home by her car, I accepted, but soon I regretted. She was extremely nervous, almost crashed the car! I asked her what does happiness means to her. She replied: “Having a family for my little daughter”. Got myself out of the car mid-way, and she asked me to get back to the car for a kiss + hug. I just leaned in, let her hold my head, but I never kissed back. Then she grabbed my arm, holding me back. Got myself out of her hold, left without a word, never looked back.

 

I really don’t understand this. I think that her rational mind kicked in. Trying to keep this family image alive or so. But does this whole breakup thing with almost not letting me go mean the she still has feelings? I went into NC straight, It was 4 days ago.

 

What shall I do now? I really love her, and would like to be a part of her life. I want to move on, but it’s really hard now. I think the EX-Hb is the key thing here and the timing of this relationship. Should I wait for her? I think NC is my only chance. If she make up her mind and kick the guy not just on paper, maybe she’ll get in touch again?

 

 

Just to make it clear, I didn't cheat on my wife. We have closed the relationship by that time, shaked hands finally, and we started talking about the details of our divorce. I didn't have any physical contact (not even a hug) in the last 2.5 years with my wife, and previously we agreed that we can date others. We live separated in a house, I admit this is not the best situation, and I'm moving out in these days, because I'm not making this mistake again.

 

Thank for your advice in advance! And please try to avoid comments like "you shouldn't date married women" etc. I know these, heard them around 100 times from my friends and relatives. I would really appreciate if you could just focus on how to solve this, or what to do now. And I just wanted to get this off my chest...

Edited February 26, 2019 by Earlybird111

[d0nnivain]

This woman tried dating you. In doing so she found out she can't date because she still has unresolved issues concerning her divorce. You have to let her go. It's not really about anything you did or didn't do but about her ability to juggle her life. You two were also pushing irrationally fast to be talking about love & living together after only 4 months before either of you actually got the decree of divorce. You both need to live alone & independently following your respective splits so you can find out who you are as individual adults.

[assertives]

I think she has already made her choice. Her focus now is her little girl, and she has told you as much. When you walked out after she told you her version of happiness is to maintain a family for her child, it pretty much told her that both of you have very different priorities. Perhaps try to see things from her point of view, she isn't weak, but a divorce can be pretty traumatic for a young child, so it's good that both parents are doing their best to provide some semblance of normalcy for their daughter.

 

While she does have feelings for you, it is not as important to her now as shielding her child from the effects of a divorce. Introducing a strange new person to her daughter's now is just abit too much at this stage. You can choose to give her time to sort this out (which may take years) or just move on.

[ExpatInItaly]

She wants to keep her family together, OP. It's not something you can change, nor should you try.

 

Get moved out of your marital home and initiate divorce proceedings. Unless and until you do those things, you're going to find it difficult to a meet a woman who wants to date you seriously.

[David33]

She is thinking about her daughter. The fact that her ex still comes over to be there at night and, to her daughter, be husband and father is not going to be easy to break. And I agree, don't try. I'm guessing her ex was "there for her" during her illness which probably brought back memories of when they were close.

 

The best you can do is be her friend. It can be months before she's really ready and you'll be there. GL