Difficult break-up - Ghosted by BF

[Genie1108]

I was ghosted 5 weeks ago by my boyfriend (both 31). It was only a short relationship but even so has been my most difficult break up. In my head I know it all, how "actions speak louder than words" and if someone doesn't value you then you shouldn't waste any time or energy on them, I just can't bring myself to accept that this person wanted to end things, due to the things he said and the way he was.

 

He told me from the start he's never felt this way about someone and actually said he feels like he's never been with anyone before me because the connection between us was on a completely different level (not sure if I should roll my eyes). I felt the same. He said he'd never shared things with anyone the way he had with me etc. He also talked about wanting a future together quite a few times. I would check in with him that we were both on the same page with things, all he ever said was how happy he was and that he wasn't going anywhere.

 

He was a bit unreliable from the start but said he was going through a difficult time in his life and said things would improve. I was supportive but made it clear I needed openness. He wasn't great with communication, in terms of texting or any sort of confrontation. I think it was a combination of him being a workaholic, drinking too much, and being anxious, but I don't know for sure. He started a work contract in a country town 6 hrs away and his focus shifted to that, I went days without hearing from him when he first went there. But he said this was unintentional and when we were together it was always wonderful.

 

Then in mid Dec, right before he was due to meet my family and we had lots of plans, he said he couldn't return home as promised and thought it would be easier to cut ties. He said we could talk on the phone later but then I couldn't get hold of him. I was inconsolable, the very night before he had promised he would be home the next day for my work Christmas party. He sent a text that week saying he felt lost, and another saying he had such strong feelings but didn't want to bring me down with him, something about not being ready, or how hard it would be being apart with this new work thing.

 

We saw each other when he was back a week later, we talked all day and he said he'd been scared of how quickly his feelings were developing and scared that I might find someone else when he was away working. He was also scared of letting me down. He couldn't articulate why he would shut down instead of communicate. There were issues from childhood for sure. He told me he wanted things to work so much and he was going to make it a priority, and not do what he'd done again. We spent new years together and that was great. On new years day I suggested giving him some space given everything that happened, he said no he didn't want space from me. We spent that week together and the last time I saw him he proposed a toast to our future together, saying how amazing what we have is. And he just vanished again after that.

 

Spent a week dodging my calls and msgs, told me his Grandma was dying and had died which I found out to be a lie by calling the hospital, she'd gone home a couple of days after he told me she passed. He'd say he would come over so we could talk, then not show up, or say he'd call and not. It was maddening, I just wanted to know what was going on, to have a conversation. At the end of that week he sent a text saying sorry, he wanted to be on his own and wasn't ready for a relationship like he thought. That he felt like sh*t mentally. He was on his way back to the other town and said he would call when he arrived, haven't heard from him since.

 

I know this makes me even sadder but I left a letter at his home a few weeks ago and ended up talking to his sister who works next door and happened to pull in while I was there. She's a Dr and she said he shouldn't be leaving me in the lurch like that and doesn't know why he's behaving this way. She said she thinks he drinks to help his self-esteem and maybe he was drunk when he lied to me (about their Grandma dying). She said if she talked to him she would tell him we need to have a conversation. I'm not proud of still wanting contact with him after what he's done, and I know that I've described the actions of a desperate person who ignored red flags and tried to hold onto someone that wasn't capable of a mature relationship anyway. But the feelings are so strong and even now my mind is fractured. I am seeing someone, a therapist, to try and work through this.

[ExpatInItaly]

I think you have strong feelings for the man you thought he was, and you who hoped he could still be - but not for the man he actually is.

 

There is something very disturbing about a person who can lie about their grandmother dying. You know this, or you wouldn't have bothered calling the hospital to verify it. I think he is much more troubled than you realize, and you will one day be grateful he is not in your life. I have a feeling you have only scratched the surface of what's really up with him. None of this is the behaviour of a mature, healthy adult.

 

It will take time to let go of hope for what you thought you two could be, but you will get there. Remember that you don't know actually know him well and that the reality is probably worse than what you've already seen.

[stillafool]

How long were you two dating?

[Genie1108]

I think you have strong feelings for the man you thought he was, and you who hoped he could still be - but not for the man he actually is.

 

There is something very disturbing about a person who can lie about their grandmother dying. You know this, or you wouldn't have bothered calling the hospital to verify it. I think he is much more troubled than you realize, and you will one day be grateful he is not in your life. I have a feeling you have only scratched the surface of what's really up with him. None of this is the behaviour of a mature, healthy adult.

 

It will take time to let go of hope for what you thought you two could be, but you will get there. Remember that you don't know actually know him well and that the reality is probably worse than what you've already seen.

 

Thank-you so much, I think this is all true. I'd never have thought about calling the hospital because I didn't think he was a liar, but a friend insisted he was hiding things and I should investigate. Even now I think, he was scared and anxious due to trauma from his past, he's a good person and he didn't mean to hurt me. It's like my mind refuses to accept that he may have just been a selfish creep, up to no good. Doesn't matter how many times I tell myself I'm better off.

[Genie1108]

How long were you two dating?

 

We were only together a few months. I know it's really dumb of me to have thought this could really be something, with so much drama in such a short space of time.

[ExpatInItaly]

Even now I think, he was scared and anxious due to trauma from his past, he's a good person and he didn't mean to hurt me. It's like my mind refuses to accept that he may have just been a selfish creep, up to no good. Doesn't matter how many times I tell myself I'm better off.

 

Maybe so, but that does not give him a pass from being accountable for his own behaviour.

 

My own partner suffered great trauma in his childhood, and has not once treated me the way the way this guy treated you. I cannot fathom my man ever lying about a relative dying - this is more than simply being anxious or scared, OP. You are making excuses for him, and I get it because the truth is hard to deal with, but it sounds like your friends were very concerned about that too.

 

With time and space, you will see that this man was not boyfriend material for you.