He admires me, but he doesn't feel love for me

[GirlInTrouble]

I've been seeing this guy for 3 months now. He has now admitted that, he can't do a relationship thing with me, at least for now, as his mind is not there - like he doesn't always wanna come and see me, he wants to be alone and stuff. But he truly admires my character and appearance. He said he wished he could feel love for me... but it's just not there. Also, he admits that it's a loss for both of us. He wants to be friends and and still hang out with me. He said maybe one day he would feel love for me.

 

Our sex wan't that good, but he claims it is not because of sex the way he feels and he doesn't really know why he feels like that. But I think one of the reasons sex wasn't that good, was that he really wasn't into me. I felt that his mind wasn't really there and that's why i couldn't reciprocate properly either, sexually and in general. Otherwise, as he said, he has always been more of a independent person. When I asked what happened to his past relationships. He said love just ended. I didn't like that answer - because in my world love doesn't end. If it's a deep love, it just won't end. You want it to go on and on and on and you work to make it even deeper and better. I told him that I suspected he is just a kind of person who hasn't got an elevated sense of love. The way he feels "love" is different ffom mine. He is not able to feel it as deep as I. That's why we can't work it out.

 

Anyway, I'd been feeling this the whole time that he hadn't had enough passion for me. I even told him that after I'd met him 3 or 4 times. But he really wanted to see and kiss me again, I gave him that chance. Now, I'm badly hurt, because I saw a great potential in him, as we got a lot of things in common and it seemed that he was trying - he probably was, but now he's probably worked it out that he's not capable enough and needs to be really honest with me. We didn't have many problems, apart from sex.

 

Please, anyone for comments? Any thoughts? What should I do? Any advice at all? How can someone really like and admire someone and not feel love for her???? When I really like someone, I've got so much love to give them! Why ppl do that?? Has this phenomenon happened to you before? How did you deal with that?

 

If you are not tired of reading yet, then you should read this, to gain some more insight into my situation and help me deal with it:

Personally, I think, he needs to work on his sense of love and giving, as he seems to be too self centered. He's suffered a lot in his life, but with spiritual help he has come to the point of happiness that he has never felt before. He is pretty happy within himself. This might be a problem in relationships as well. If you feel too much fulfilled on your own and he is very much enjoying a new outlook to his life, so it's probably hard for him to deal with things outside his world, as he has worked hard to make himself happy, and he might be too scared subconsciously to get close to someone, as he doesn't wanna become miserable again, might be scared that the other person might bring him down or something...

[Blanco]

I mean, what really is there to say? He's given you plenty of reasons why you shouldn't waste your time/emotions on him, both through his actions and words.

[FallingInLove]

I’ve been there! My boyfriend of 7 months told me he has feelings for me, but isn’t in love with me yet. But his actions are consistent and he’s always there for me, always wants to see me, makes efforts all the time, we’re integrated into each others lifes. I haven’t told him I loved him, but I do feel love for him.

Personally, I decided to continue this relationship because we’re both happy and see a future together. I made the conscious decision to keep going and see if his feelings develop. But that’s my personal decision. I might get hurt, but I’d rather do that then say « What if ».

 

Your guy didn’t do it on purpose. We all have different visions of what love is and how we feel. It’s nothing you did... it happens.

[LivingWaterPlease]

GirlinTrouble, I'm so sorry to read about what you're going through because it sounds as if you're a wonderful person inside and out. But you need to forget about this guy and move on.

 

I have been in the same situation as your bf (or ex bf, not sure which it is). On paper the guy's great! Almost perfect for me. Very accomplished and attractive. But something is missing for me and I can't figure out what it is.

 

The guy wants me to go to counseling because he thinks it's something in me that is resisting a relationship, that I may be afraid of getting close to someone. Truth is, I'm not resisting. I've been comfortable in close relationships with men before that didn't work out for other reasons. There's just something about him that keeps me from being in love with him.

 

That said, there's a whole line of women waiting to date him! So, it's not him. It's just the combination of the two of us doesn't click for me. He would love for me to marry him. But, it wouldn't be fair to him. He deserves someone who can give him everything and be crazy-in-love with him.

 

You deserve that, too!

[Redhead14]

"We didn't have many problems"

 

No, just one giant problem . . . this was not a "relationship", it was two people just existing together.

 

I don't want to be mean, but just reading this says "boring and unfulfilling".

 

"He is not able to feel it as deep as I."

 

How would you even develop a deep relationship with someone who can't do that with you. This was so one-sided and you were doing all the work.

 

He's done the right thing, Sweetie. You need to find someone with whom you can have a relationship and actually relate to and with. If you try to pull him to you or cling to him in any way, he will feel smothered. It's likely the reason he finally ended the relationship anyway. Find somone who wants to be loved and can and will return it.

[preraph]

He's just not attracted to you romantically. Nothing you can do about it but let him go. Why keep him around and torture yourself? It's not ever going to be anything substantive. He wouldn't have said that if there was any chance. Sorry. Unrequited love sucks.

[emeraldgreen]

If a dude tells you he doesn't want a relationship, there's no reason to doubt him.

[ExpatInItaly]

I think he's being honest with you, OP.

 

He just isn't that into you.

[GirlInTrouble]

RedHead14

You are right in everything you said, except I don't think he felt smothered, and even if he did, I wasn't doing much to make him feel this way. Most of the time I was waiting for him to take the initiative, because I noticed right in the beginning that he might be too busy with some things in his life. So, I really wasn't the one to say let's do this and let's do that. I let him say these things, but we ended up doing almost nothing - as most of the things he said he wanted to do with me, never became true. He was just blowing bubbles into my head right from the start. It was probably the best he could do with me.

[d0nnivain]

The only thing you can do is accept that this isn't working for him. You may be right about what he needs to do to improve his own chances for a relationship but you can't make those changes for him and he doesn't want to make them for himself. He doesn't care enough about you to try but he's a nice person & he did his best to sugar coat the bad news for you. Appreciate that small kindness & move forward.

[Redhead14]

It's not about the actions, it's about the "vibe" when you're around him. He can "feel"/sense that you're really attached and caring toward him and more than he is able to return. It's overwhelming to a person like him.

[anika99]

Wow you sure spending a lot of time analyzing this guy who you only dated for 3 months. You are too focused on him and as you have only known him a short time you really have no idea what is going on in his head. You dated the guy for 3 months and you think you know him better than he knows himself.

 

I think he gave the relationship a chance to see if there would be a spark and perhaps the potential for a long term relationship. At 3 months he realized that there just wasn't the connection that he was seeking so he rightfully ended things rather than wasting both his and your time and that there is nothing deeper than that going on.

 

I think you are having a hard time accepting that no matter how wonderful you are, you just are not going to be everyone's cup of tea. That is true for all of us.

I have met wonderful men that are smart, good looking, attentive, etc, yet when it comes to romance they just couldn't start my engine. Absolutely nothing wrong with them, plenty of other women would be overjoyed to date them, but they just weren't right for me. And vice versa. I have dated men who seemed to genuinely like me but more as a friend rather than a romantic partner. They just didn't connect to me that way.

 

I think you are approaching this with the idea that the relationship didn't work out because there was something wrong with you or with him. You think it can't be you so it must be him and now you are going to crazy lengths to analyze him and diagnose him with multiple issues like he's too comfortable on his own, he's too happy being independent, he can't love as deeply as you do, etc. I think you just need to accept that for whatever reason you weren't ticking his boxes. It doesn't mean you aren't a great catch for hundreds of other guys, it just that you weren't right for him.

 

Lastly, it's perfectly possible to respect, like and admire someone, yet not be romantically in love with them. I admire lots of people that I'm never going to fall in love with. Lots of people have great admirable qualities but I can't fall in love with everyone, lol

[GirlInTrouble]

The only thing you can do is accept that this isn't working for him. You may be right about what he needs to do to improve his own chances for a relationship but you can't make those changes for him and he doesn't want to make them for himself. He doesn't care enough about you to try but he's a nice person & he did his best to sugar coat the bad news for you. Appreciate that small kindness & move forward.

 

It's so hard to move on with that sugarcoat on my mind!! I've never had that done to me before! Especially that future chance part! It makes me wanna be a better person and rectify my past mistakes which I think I may have made to stop him loving me. I don't know why, but I'm in a 50/50 situation, whether I should reach out to him and tell him about my thoughts... at least to see how he feels about it. I need more proof to get him out of my head.. what he has already said and acted is not enough for my silly mind to stop thinking about him... and I'm quite sure his mind is thinking about me too...

[GirlInTrouble]

Lastly, it's perfectly possible to respect, like and admire someone, yet not be romantically in love with them. I admire lots of people that I'm never going to fall in love with. Lots of people have great admirable qualities but I can't fall in love with everyone, lol

 

Thanks for the great thoughts, I can understand them!!

But you know what... I am the kind of person to fall in love easily. When someone treats me nice and opens up to me, I'm very likely to fall in love. Most of the time I just have to hold myself back, otherwise I'd go nuts! Even if I'm sexually not interested, I can still feel love for that person and keep thinking about them a little bit too often, even when they are not fully earned my attention. Maybe I'm just a really obsessive person or is it some kind of psychological disorder?

 

Plus, it's hard for me to understand, how can someone have a sexual relationship with the other who he admires and then not feel any feelings... it's totally outside my world view... I'm feeling like an alien now.. Is it just me or anyone else?

[LivingWaterPlease]

Thanks for the great thoughts, I can understand them!!

But you know what... I am the kind of person to fall in love easily. When someone treats me nice and opens up to me, I'm very likely to fall in love. Most of the time I just have to hold myself back, otherwise I'd go nuts! Even if I'm sexually not interested, I can still feel love for that person and keep thinking about them a little bit too often, even when they are not fully earned my attention. Maybe I'm just a really obsessive person or is it some kind of psychological disorder?

Plus, it's hard for me to understand, how can someone have a sexual relationship with the other who he admires and then not feel any feelings... it's totally outside my world view... I'm feeling like an alien now.. Is it just me or anyone else?

 

Not sure if you're still on LS as the above was posted over a week ago.

 

But, in answer to the bolded above: It happens a lot with both males and females. Also, sometimes sex is part of a relationship that includes loving feelings but the "Wow!!!!" factor isn't there for one or both of the participants even when the sex feels physically great.

 

And many want to feel the Wow!!! factor about the person they marry.

 

In a perfect world, (IMO) people wouldn't participate in the sex act without being ready to make a permanent commitment but there are people who take it just because "it's there, it's offered, and it feels good." Folks have different opinions as to how right or wrong this is. So seems to me it's good to find someone whose beliefs about this match your own if you are going to be sexually involved with the person.