Ex boyfriend is gaslighting and insulting me

[sus93]

Hello everyone, first time posting on this forum for me... Sorry if this is a bit long.

 

My ex and I recently broke up on the 31st of December. He broke up with me. We were long distance and I am actually moving to his part of the world next month (this has been planned for a few months already). Our relationship was really passionate, we were both really into each other, visited each other several times (across the world), I met his family and spent the holidays with them. We were dating for 8 months. He was supposed to come meet my family and see my home a week after he broke up with me. The last month we were together was very tough, he was pushing me away, not being as affectionate as usual and blaming me for being 'controlling', 'pressuring him' etc. Anyway all this led to us arguing a lot, he finally told me "I got pushed into a serious relationship with gnarley labels of 'girlfriends and boyfriends'", saying he was terrified of a relationship (erm, we have been in one for months? It's the first time I hear of these doubts? What?) and I tried breaking up with him because I felt so unhappy, unheard, all of my feelings were disturbing him and HE DID NOT KNOW IF HE WANTED TO BE WITH ME OR NOT.

 

But I wasn't strong enough to end it. I kept coming back. He kept saying he did not want to break up, that he wanted to fix this, he wasn't giving up. But that he did not know if he could or should change, and he thought he would disappoint me. He had never told me he loved me, which was always an issue for me but I pushed it down, but during those arguments one day he said "I have been on the verge of saying I love you back and forth, my feelings for you are higher than the sky and you're an amazing sweet person I'm grateful to have in my life". But kept saying he was terrified of being in a relationship. I was willing to work with that, and help him through it, but he kept pushing me away. Did not include me in his life anymore, did weird things like following a bunch of girls on instagram and liking all their sexy pictures etc.

 

Finally, he broke up with me. By text message. At a festival with his friends. On New Years Eve. Saying he needed a break from this 'bond' which became 'drama filled' . I managed to get him to call me and we spoke 15 minutes on the phone, with his friends in the same room as him (so no privacy whatsoever). After that, he never tried to FaceTime me or call me again to give me a REAL talk, after 8 months of relationship and sharing everything, planning to live in the same city (where I'm still moving to, soon!), planning trips together, planning to buy a van, speaking about our families and... yeah. He just dropped me like that. But here comes the fun part...

 

Obviously I was hurt by this, it was a horrible way to end things. I was an emotional zombie for a while and could barely function on the first week. I tried to come back (I know I know, not good) once and he barely replied to my nice messages. He finally told me he was 'heartbroken' but he had to cancel his trip to my home country. I went off social media, I knew I needed to distance myself from him to heal.

Problem was, he owes me money (almost 1k) and he still has my iPad that I nicely lent him a while ago. At first I was nice about it, asking for it back. He said he would send them soon. He didn't. I kept asking. He kept saying 'soon'. I tried to give deadlines, he wouldn't respect them and never kept me updated. I got more and more annoyed at him, this is so disrespectful, someone mature would have taken care of it fast. I asked if he had issues with cash, we could work out an arrangement over a few payments? I reminded him the story of his friend who owed him money (a LOT of money) and never paid him back. I said he was better than him, I wanted to get a reaction from him. Really all I was, was hurt. I want to move on, I want to put him behind me and start my life again, but this is our last link to each other. I feel disrespected that he won't send my things back. I started being more firm with him, explaining I wanted to stop texting him and get out of his life but he had to be more responsible.

 

That's when all hell broke loose..... He started insulting me, saying I was acting like a "****ing bitch", that he couldn't believe I wasn't patient enough with him or understanding (turning the blame around on me). He said I was "mean, rude, spoiled, entitled", that I was stooping so low and he didn't recognize me. That he was seeing a "gross unattractive side of me". He wished good luck to my next boyfriend. He said I was showing my true colors to him and he was shocked. Blaming ME for things ending badly, saying it was my fault, my choice, to react this way. He was being very very rude using a lot of swear words and being very angry. Started saying "I don't need your little iPad, I have a badass computer and I make tons and tons and tons of money I don't need your stuff". Asked me to stop bringing negative vibes to his life and that I would know when he was paying me back and sending my ipad when I will open my mailbox and see it there. And it goes on and on...

 

The thing that hurt me the most was how he tried to turn everything around on me. I was the one who got dumped, I was the one who got her heart broken, I'm the one who's trying to move on, and he's the one whitholding my iPad and my money, and it's my fault it's ending badly? We broke up 5 weeks ago today. All of his excuses are such bull****, he's just a big procrastinator. The worst thing is, I'm sure he will pay me back, because he is SO scared of looking like the 'bad guy' or being dishonest, I know he will do it. But it's the fact he's not done it already. One excuse was "I've had migraines for a week I'm doing tests today so I can't send it this week", next one was "I'm working in the mountains and I'm stuck up here my truck is broken, I've been dealing with a lot of ****" (making me the bad one for not understanding he's having troubles) and the last one "my bank accounts are frozen for too much activity" (oh yeah probably because of the "tons and tons and tons" of money he's making).

 

I feel so defeated. I loved this man. He is a sweet, caring, loving person, or at least he was. I had amazing times with him and now all of this is tainted by this horrible ending. I can't stop feeling guilty. I know I shouldn't, probably, but he got under my skin. I can't believe he's still making me cry, 5 weeks after our break up.

 

How do you react to this? How do you pick yourself up, and stop blaming yourself, after someone you used to love (still love) speak to you this way?

Edited February 4, 2019 by sus93

[Art_Critic]

Ex's are Ex's for a reason, stop contacting him and this will all go away.

 

 

and BLOCK/UNFRIEND him on all social media...

[sus93]

Ex's are Ex's for a reason, stop contacting him and this will all go away.

 

 

and BLOCK/UNFRIEND him on all social media...

 

I know, I want to be out of his life too. However I actually would like the money and the iPad back. Also he said it was "childish" and "petty" to block each other on social media, and I really do not want to give him the satisfaction. He already feels so superior to me for some reason... But I know I should...

[PegNosePete]

Well, he's clearly NOT going to give you the money or the iPad back voluntarily. I guess that means you have 2 choices:

 

- As Art suggests you could write off the financial loss as a bad investment, and BLOCK him so he can't communicate with you ever again. You get to move on straight away with no more drama. Who gives a damn if he thinks it's childish and petty? Do what is best for YOU. Ignore that he thinks.

 

- Or, assuming you're in the same country, you make a claim with small claims court. Keep the messages he sent you as evidence that the money really was a loan not a gift, and that he has your iPad, and that he admits he has it and that he owes you the money. This way you will get your money and iPad back but you will have to deal with this stress in your life for a long time.

 

Up to you whether the $$$ is worth the aggro!

[d0nnivain]

It's an expensive lesson. But you aren't getting the I-pad or the money. You may be able to get the police involved for the I-pad but unless you have a signed promissory note about the money, he can claim it was a gift.

[sus93]

Well, he's clearly NOT going to give you the money or the iPad back voluntarily. I guess that means you have 2 choices:

 

- As Art suggests you could write off the financial loss as a bad investment, and BLOCK him so he can't communicate with you ever again. You get to move on straight away with no more drama. Who gives a damn if he thinks it's childish and petty? Do what is best for YOU. Ignore that he thinks.

 

- Or, assuming you're in the same country, you make a claim with small claims court. Keep the messages he sent you as evidence that the money really was a loan not a gift, and that he has your iPad, and that he admits he has it and that he owes you the money. This way you will get your money and iPad back but you will have to deal with this stress in your life for a long time.

 

Up to you whether the $$$ is worth the aggro!

 

I think I will just give up, it's not about the money anymore, it's more about my feelings getting hurt. He's acting like a victim, and he almost has me believing him. Saying I 'harass him once or twice a week' with 'crazy messages'. I never once insulted him. The worst thing I said was that he was being dishonest. It's so sad, that things would end this way. But you're right I think I just need to give up on seeing any of my stuff anymore and block him out of my life

[ExpatInItaly]

Kiss the money and ipad goodbye. It's very unlikely you will see either of those things.

 

How did you meet, and how much time had you actually spent with him in person? It sounds like you're discovering that you didn't know him as well as you hoped you did. He's turning it around on you because he's immature and doesn't know how to admit he doesn't have the money, or that he has the money but has no intentions of giving it to you.

[sus93]

Kiss the money and ipad goodbye. It's very unlikely you will see either of those things.

 

How did you meet, and how much time had you actually spent with him in person? It sounds like you're discovering that you didn't know him as well as you hoped you did. He's turning it around on you because he's immature and doesn't know how to admit he doesn't have the money, or that he has the money but has no intentions of giving it to you.

 

We met last May, so I guess it wasn't that long. We actually spent a total of 8-9 weeks together, as we live on two different continents. However like I said, we spoke everyday, all day when we were both awake (9 hours time difference...) at the start, only during the last month before the breakup it changed drastically.

 

Really I'm kind of over the money and the iPad, if I don't see them again then be it. But for him to say all those hurtful things and most importantly trying to turn it all on me, it hurts a lot. I know it shouldn't and I know people will say "just forget about him", but I told this person I loved him, we shared a lot of things, I was a real support to him when he was unemployed and getting messed around by his ex-best friend who borrowed/stole money from him... For him to turn around like this and blame me, saying he's seeing a different side of me.

 

Ugh. I'll get over it though. Just tough.

[ExpatInItaly]

How old is he, and why was he unemployed? For how long? What is the story he told you about his former best friend? It seems a little ironic that he moans about someone stealing from him when he was happy to take your money and give you grief when you asked for it back.

 

I am just wondering if there were other red flags along the way that you didn't see. 8-9 weeks in person is not much, in the grand scheme of things. I realize you spoke a lot but it's still hard to truly know someone when you're not in their physical presence very often.

 

How did you meet, if you're on two different continents?

[sus93]

How old is he, and why was he unemployed? For how long? What is the story he told you about his former best friend? It seems a little ironic that he moans about someone stealing from him when he was happy to take your money and give you grief when you asked for it back.

 

I am just wondering if there were other red flags along the way that you didn't see. 8-9 weeks in person is not much, in the grand scheme of things. I realize you spoke a lot but it's still hard to truly know someone when you're not in their physical presence very often.

 

How did you meet, if you're on two different continents?

 

He's 25, without getting into too much details he's working in a very difficult industry and basically had a lot of job opportunities fall through, because of unreliable people and just the industry being this way. I was with him (like physically, at his house) when he was going through some of it and I did see first hand that his supposed 'partners' were unreliable and making false promises. I helped him by writing him a cover letter, checking his CV, sending him job ads etc. He applied to a lot but not much luck. He was getting very depressed through it all as he really wanted to work.

The money I lent him wasn't related to any of it though, it was because he came to visit me in a foreign country and I offered to use my bank card to pay as I did not have any fees on it. Then he mentioned the money he owed me a few times, wanting to pay me back, but he was having money issues so I just told him to pay me back when he had a steady income (I know, it's my fault here).

 

His friend/housemate was also a handful, honestly. I was also physically there for some of it as I stayed at their house for a few weeks. The guy never tried to find any job, and just let my ex pay for the rent (6 months of rent) and all the utilities. He manipulated him into paying, saying he "will find a job" and that they both did not want to move out of the place. My ex is kind of a people pleaser and it took him a while to say stop and finally move out. On hindsight I'm sure there was more to the story, and there must be some explanation as to why it got so bad... But apparently the now ex-housemate has completely lost touch and has never paid anything back. It ended really badly.

 

That's why I mentioned this story, reminding him how upset he was, and telling him it wasn't cool that he was doing a similar thing to me (on a smaller scale, of course! but still, similar). Someone with maturity would actually have paid back straight away, or at least made some kind of plan to prove he was going to pay back.

 

Oh, and he's still using my iPad up to this day so, I mean...

 

There were a lot of red flags I ignored and that I'm only really seeing now. But I'm too sad, I don't want to make him into a monster in my mind. He's really not. He does have a good heart, I think he's just quite immature, not very empathetic, and has low self-esteem (that might be why he's trying so hard to put me down when I hint at him being dishonest, he's so scared of actually looking inward that he would rather attack me, to defend his fragile ego).

 

[ExpatInItaly]

I don't think he's a monster either, but he does sound very immature and not ready for the type of commitment you were looking for. He therefore decided to jump ship before it got any more serious.

 

If he's out of work, what was the plan going to be once you moved there? Were you meant to move in with him, or? Are you still planning on moving?

 

I've asked a couple times, but perhaps you missed it: how did you two meet?

[preraph]

He sounds like an immature person. He also sounds like he is the one who is spoiled and entitled. I would send him a certified letter saying you want your stuff back and he has 10 days to do it and list the items before you take legal action. Then if he still doesn't (he could mail them or FedEx or anything), you can file in small claims court if you want and he can pay for that and the costs of filing. If he doesn't, he'll have a warrant. He can't admit he's wrong, so he's trying to make you wrong. Oh, well.

 

Wash your hands of him forever once you get your stuff back. And hey, if you have a tough older brother or father who would be willing to drive over to his house and take the items from him, it's less trouble all around. They can be polite about it. He wouldn't dare refuse, especially if there's two of them and one of him.

[stillafool]

This guy treats you like dirt on the bottom of his shoe. You can just forget about getting your money and iPad back unless you take him to small claims court. Why you now care that he's blaming you for the break up is beyond me. He is just saying that as an excuse to get rid of you and not pay back your money. It's too bad you can't see that instead of thinking this actually meant he cared about you at some point. Either take him to court to get back your money and pad or go strict NC and leave him alone.

[sus93]

The “plan” was roughly for him to get a job in the same city as me, or to keep working where he is now, and do part time. No we wouldn’t have lived together, I have a job of my own and I wanted to create my own life there. We just both wanted to be closer to each other to have an actual relationship. I think he got scared when he realized it was really happening (although we both knew for a few months now...) and the fact I met his whole family, stayed for 2 weeks at his mums house etc. It became real and he jumped ship, like you said.

 

We met on a dating app when I was on his side of the world for a couple of months for work. We both weren’t expecting much out of it but really hit it off, spent as much time as possible together while I was there and decided to stay together and give it a shot. He then came to visit me, and I went back a couple more times.

 

Thanks everyone for your answers... I don’t care about the money or iPad that much to actually get any legal action going. If he doesn’t send anything back, it just shows he’s not the guy i thought he was. I just have trouble seeing the bad in people and I usually just turn it around on me, that’s why it’s messing with my head.