She lost feelings. I left. Can feelings come back?

[pepelillo]

Hi,

I am not newbie to heartbreak. In fact, I am 41. But this time it is hurting the whole world to me. We have been in a serious relationship for 2 and a half years. It was difficult at the beginning because of me but soon I started to feeel more comfortable and left thing flow until I fell in love with here (serious love, not infatuation). She invited me to live with them (she has a boy from her previous marriage, which ended badly) and have been there living happily. I understood my wrong behaviours (due to OCPD issues on myself) and started to work on them. But after a fight (a normal one) she did not back to normal.

 

This was on April-May last year. After noticing her colder for a more than a normal after-fight period, I asked he. She "was not well, the fight had left exhausted, she did not feel the same). Time passed and things seemed to improve. I did my work and living was fantastic. She said it too. But again noticed her colder and asked again. "She had lost romance, and she could not see a future together as I asked about having kids..." It was painful but understood and kept on improving things. In august we took a couple of weeks apart to see it that helped and seemed to. Went together again and everything was much better, she started to say "I love you again from the heart". But fast forward, after the summer everything started to go for bad. I suggested counseling but she refused. She said she had a problem and had to come to terms with it on herself.

 

At the end, I was not received what I needed and she was in constant doubt so she agreed to counseling. After one session, counselour thought it had to do with her work chaanges and relation with her ex (she is really bad on this, despite she does not recognize it). Finally the psychologist said he could not do anything when it has to do with loving feelings. Then I called it quit and had to left. It was easy at firs because all my nightmare months had finished. But as days pass by I am feeling worse and worse. In my mind is always (although I dont want to keep it) the possibility of she coming again in a future (in fact she is still saying this to her friends she does not know I talk to). She said she is more relaxed now but not well and I am a PERFECT man so she cannot say never ever. I had cut all contact with her because it hurts A LOT but she tried to see me and is alwyas asking how I am, "that she had realized on complex she is" (which is strange for someone who has always talked about herself as a very secure and logical person).

 

I don't know. Everything tells me to go on but there is always a tiny piece of faith that she will realize. But, how? She lost feelins (she had them). My therapist told me that what happened to her is the Disney love issue. Everything is good at the beginning but after that, one day a doubt arises and she does not know that love goes up and down and started to overthink, putting feelings deeper and deeper until they almost disappeared (thus the confusion on herself). He believes the possibility of her "reconsidering" feelings is null and that such situations can rekindle just as time goes by and she changes her mind (which, for him is WRONG and she failed on this one, letting go one-of-a-kind person, which she also recognizes but cannot "feel" at the moment).

 

So my question for the group is, do you know of any case wher LOST OF FEELINGS, the lost of PROJECTS together made a break up and then a rekindle happened? How and when did this happen? I am just curious because I cannot find such cases, I just can find cases where they were still in love but a fight or distance made them breakup. never heard of a person who successfully fell in love again after loosing feelings for someone.

 

Any hints?

Edited February 13, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Merge threads into BBU, add paragraphs, fix spacing

[d0nnivain]

Lost feelings do not generally return. In the early infatuation stages, people think everything will always be that lovey dovey. Then real life creeps in. The other person has habits & eccentricities. The first person misses the heady newness of a burgeoning relationship but doesn't want to do the work to keep a relationship strong. When it becomes mundane, they want something new shiny & fun.

 

Sorry.

[pepelillo]

Thanks, that is what I read almost everywere. She said she knows "fireworks" wont return, she meant more the "I want, dont know why, a future with you" ones. My psycho says this is an educational problem. We are not educated to really LOVE. Specially when your life is miserable (like hers is). While she was in love (infatuation) I was just her positive point in the world... but after feelings go back to normal, she did not understand and entered an obsessive cycle (he had a couple of sessions with her and disclosed this to me) that she did not know how to manage. This is a real pity. The only option is that time will teach her (she has just realized she cannot and dont want to change boyfriends each 2-3 years, so at least this is something) and time will tell if we start something new in case she changes.

 

The strange thing is that she keeps saying her friends that, that time will say because she knows I am perfect, the best thing that has happended in her life. But I know all this are just expressions and not necessarily truths. Until the last day she said that deep inside, her gut, told her to stay with me. In fact, after she came with the psycho to that it should end... days passed and she still had no decission made. That she wanted feelings back, that she loved me... nothing really. So I finally quit to protect my own health and I am in NC to keep on going. This is too hurtful

Edited February 13, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Redact quote of prior post

[PRW]

I disagree with the therapist about the Disney thing. But agree with him about her not coming back.

 

I think the OCPD had a big role to play. You need to get to a point in your life where you do not need a therapist, nor feel that you need one. The OCPD needs to be diminished to the point where it just really doesn't matter any longer. I sometime exhibit symptoms of this myself, but it does not own me, I own it, I'm not a victim. The one therapist I knew in my early years ended up asking me to help sort out HIS issues. Women who are emotionally solid do not want a guy that they have to take care of or feel they have to fix. They want someone who can take care of them and make them feel safe/secure.

[pepelillo]

Well, he knows me well and has never hesitated to call my attention when it was my fault. The OCPD things I mention are minimal (I have been under treatment for years and made a lot of progress, in fact, the last two years my visits have been revolving around relationships and how to treat a child that was now my own). The traits I was talking about we're minimal like suffering when I was criticized but never played an important role here (is just that those minor flaws where the only things I could "blmey" myself for when things started to go wrong). At the beginning of the relationship I was quite avoidant due to previous experiences but she agrees I made huge improvements and that I was basically perfect.

 

I suppose the psychologist know me and does know her. Her is by no means stable. Her breakup (her husband left her for her best friend and never treated her well) affected more than she recognizes.

 

All her friends (girls and boys), my therapist and another therapist friend of mine point in the same direction. Perhaps all of them are wrong.

 

I know she is still doubting and that thinks that whenever she wants to come back I will be there. It is not the case, things should change a lot (in the impossible event) for me to gain confidence again. This is why I ask for similar cases. In fact I know one very, very close to me (and her) where she had the same symptoms (lost feelings). After a month she recognized relationships are never perfect and wants to fight for him and just today gone for a first visit with my psychologist and she is very happy. She wants to fight for it and he says it has solution. The same exact case.

 

Anyway, thanks a lot for your insight. You are a strong man!!

Edited February 13, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Redact quote of prior post

[PRW]

All her friends (girls and boys), my therapist and another therapist friend of mine point in the same direction. Perhaps all of them are wrong.

Sounds extreme, but yes they can all be wrong. You are always better off with a therapist who is not a friend and is not invested in you to where they are worried about hurting your feelings. Anyway, doesn't matter,...things are what they are.

 

Anyway, thanks a lot for your insight. You are a strong man!!

Thanks! Although the thermostat in my house still has to be an even number. Cruise control in the car has to always be on an even speed,..."I can't drive 55",...but 56 will work. It makes life fun.

[pepelillo]

Sounds extreme, but yes they can all be wrong. You are always better off with a therapist who is not a friend and is not invested in you to where they are worried about hurting your feelings. Anyway, doesn't matter,...things are what they are.

 

Thanks! Although the thermostat in my house still has to be an even number. Cruise control in the car has to always be on an even speed,..."I can't drive 55",...but 56 will work. It makes life fun.

 

No, my therapist is not my friend and has always been very, very (extremely) crude to me. Never tried to keep my feelings safe. In fact he has used rude words from time to time to call my attention. Anyway, what you say as OCPD traits is more OCD, isn't it? For me it is not like that. I have improved lots. I just have had mental obsessions but no longer have then since three years ago. I was more "logical" and rules centered. But have no problem increasing speed beyond the limits of needing to adhere to rules as I was before. As I said, mine are very minor things that just make my anxiety stay high while others never even realize it. Anxiety is now my only symptom that I cannot fix and it seems to be there without a reason. In fact, I have been the one taking care of her child, his health, education, etc.. and home labours due to her working times.

 

Her friend says she is still sad and hesitant on her decision. Not that feelings are completely lost more better said that they are not as strong as she needs them to be to commit for a full life. In fact she never wanted me to go. I had to go In spite of her. I could not bear feeling not loved enough.

 

Anyway, only time will say. I am building a new life. Today I was seeker but as the day passes so I improve. It seems to be related to my anxiety: worst in the morning, much better in the night.

[PRW]

No, my therapist is not my friend and has always been very, very (extremely) crude to me. Never tried to keep my feelings safe. In fact he has used rude words from time to time to call my attention.

From the position of a therapist you have to cut through the noise and snap the person's focus on to you, attach the focus to strong emotion, keep them off of their distractions. I'm probably not I'm describing that with official terms, but I think you know what I mean.

 

Anyway, what you say as OCPD traits is more OCD, isn't it?

Those things I mentioned, although they actually are true with me, I make a bit of a joke out of them for fun. The OCPD and OCD are very similar. I looked them up and skimmed through the definitions right before my last post. I seem to fit the OCPD a little better, but in any case it would be very mild. Probably not enough to even have any kind of clinical diagnosis, but it is enough to give me a decent understanding of someone who is more severe. I can kind of know where they are coming from.

 

Anyway, only time will say. I am building a new life. Today I was seeker but as the day passes so I improve. It seems to be related to my anxiety: worst in the morning, much better in the night.

I understand. Edited February 13, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[d0nnivain]

She's warring with her head & her heart. She knows you are a good guy but she still has Peter Pan bay-boy syndrome so she's craving excitement that just doesn't exist because it's not sustainable. She will end up miserable & alone but you can't fix that.

 

 

Tet her go. The find a woman who appreciates your good qualities.

[pepelillo]

She's warring with her head & her heart. She knows you are a good guy but she still has Peter Pan bay-boy syndrome so she's craving excitement that just doesn't exist because it's not sustainable. She will end up miserable & alone but you can't fix that.

 

 

Tet her go. The find a woman who appreciates your good qualities.

 

Thanks. That's what my psycho told me. And also stated that if she comes back I wouldnt take her.

 

A shared friend told me she is still sad and still doubting which is quite strange for her who has a history of breaking up and feeling good right after it, alleviated. And says this time is different. Says she believes I will be there when she wants to return. She said to me and has said to some common friends that she needs clarity of mind.

 

The curious thing is that her friend has gone (at the same time) for the same exact situation. She lost feelings for her boy, finally, after months, left him. Being apart she realized she had made a mistake and that knowing that such high feelings fade, she still wants him in her life. She has just started with the same psychologist (this happened yesterday) and he has said "don't worry for feelings now, your problem has a solution, not like 'others' that are still thinking this is Disney" in clear reference to my ex.

 

I know this is always the same, but this case is being extremely strange to me (as I told, I am not new to this). Really, really strange.

[Iamyoungjuan]

My wife of 10 years left me I believe cause lost of feelings Sshe refuse to give me another chance it’s been three months since she left she gave me sex twice but she stop calling and texting the only time I really hear from her is when she want something sound like she is using me

 

I gonna try to go no contact but I still want her back but she is seeing other guys

[pepelillo]

My wife of 10 years left me I believe cause lost of feelings Sshe refuse to give me another chance it’s been three months since she left she gave me sex twice but she stop calling and texting the only time I really hear from her is when she want something sound like she is using me

 

I gonna try to go no contact but I still want her back but she is seeing other guys

 

Sorry to hear that,

What happened in your case? The only thing I cannot regret is that I am who left. Today she seems to be struggling still with her internal debate (which I cannot understand). It would have been harder to me to wait even more to be fired up and see she recover almost I mediately and left me hurting. I know, not a good one, but believe me. It makes a difference, she did not expect me to leave. Thought I would be waiting there like a good dog.

Please, keep me informed of details. Good luck

[elaine567]

How old is she and what was that original fight about?

[pepelillo]

How old is she and what was that original fight about?

 

Me?

 

She is 33 and I am 40. There original fights were to de because I did not have experience regarding breeding child and my only one came from my strict father. So while I adapted, we had some issues with this because she is too overprotective. But I did learn to understand that a mother is a mother and nature plays an important role here. So that was not an issue anymore.

 

She has had a lot of problems at work with a low salary and too many hours there with a boss that put too much pressure under an unhealthy treatment to workers. She manages to improve job but she said to the therapist in front of me "my job was better now but my life kept feeling a **** so I thought, what can I change, and the only thing was me...". So he thinks she has a lot of issues going on from her previous job and relationship (he cheated on her with her best friend and has sued her for custody and not paid tickets for the boy).

 

When she was fully in love with me I still served as a point to hold to but as feelings go to the normal place, her life seems bad again and she "blames" the relationship (which has lost strength) for it. That she is not yet nature and hopes the relationship must keep her high in spite of all other bad things. And there is not human being that will be able to do so so this is why he says this is a case of Disney love issue where she cannot adapt to the new stages in love.

 

She is that kind of girl that needs the permanent "flight". Her friend, in the same exact place has received good news from the same psycho because she is conscious about loving feelings decreasing and wants to work on that. It is so sad .. she will have to realize on her own and there is nothing I can do but keep on living.

Edited February 13, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[Iamyoungjuan]

Her reason was that ai can’t keep her happy but since she left she have been messing with different guys but she said she want something different

 

She only calls or text me when she want something I was helping her out at first but I feel like she was only using me so I’m in no contact I love my wife but I’m not bouta let her get down on me

[pepelillo]

Hi, I explained my situation here:

https://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/second-chances/675669-she-lost-feelings-i-left-can-feelings-come-back

 

Despite her being saying that she had lost feeelings, she did want them back and we tried from May 2018 until I could not cope with it. During that time there were times where she said again "I love you" from heart but things sped up when she agreed to see my psycho to solve such "doubts". To my knowledge she kept doubting after that. Sent me a couple of messages using excuses to see me and see how I was doing.

 

Finally, when I thought she would not do it again, she texted me last week and asked for seeing directly. I asked why? She told me she loves me a lot (in spite of not being in love, I suppose), that I have been very important, and am very important for her even when I don't want it (I don't understand, I had to leave telling I LOVE YOU but cannot cope with you not reciprocating). Anyway. I finally met her on Saturday. In principle it was for a coffee and she delayed until it was dinning time so we went to a bar.

 

She was pretty, her look seemed "in love", not that from a simple friend. We started talking about simple things. She was complimenting me all the time, saying I have changed a lot... and we were happy (I remained cautious). She then talked about the possibility of seeing from time to time because she wants to know about me. And I told her that breaking up is breaking up, you cannot have the good and not the bad when you are in a relationship. That I understood her but cannot do this at this moment. Her face changed and cried (and when not, looking at infinitum and blurred eyes) for the rest of the night. I did not touch her, I did not kiss her, just the goodbye hug. She told me she was not sleeping well, that she thought about me ALL THE DAYS. And them said goodbye with a sad "see you never"

 

I don't understand the situation. She says she cannot be nor wants to be my friend. So, what the hell does she want? Is she really still doubting as her common friend told me? I have been advised to stay firm on my decision because she is the only one who can revert things by clearing up her ideas, but this time is killing me.

 

Any insight on what can be going on? Just misses company, perhaps her feelings are buried and not lost? I don't know. I only know that I love her deadly.

 

Thanks for hearing

Edited February 13, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Merge threads and fix spacing

[d0nnivain]

She wants your attention. You flatter her by letting her jerk your chain.

[pepelillo]

She wants your attention. You flatter her by letting her jerk your chain.

 

Why is this attention for? She has a lot of problems going in in her life (mainly with her ex who left her for her best friend and puts a lot of obstacles with her child) and this seems to be the origin of the problems why she sabotaged our relationship (said by our psycho to me).

[pepelillo]

She wants your attention. You flatter her by letting her jerk your chain.

 

I mean, she supposedly has not enough strong feelings (which my psycho quoted purposely "enough feelings") . Shouldn't her be now free and happier?

[d0nnivain]

No. It's about you feeding her ego. Because you still engage with her she thinks she has you dangling on a hook, that she's still attractive & desirable enough to get men to pine for her.