Will she come back?

[Snickerboy99]

Hey. Would love some advice on what to do now.

 

Me and my first ever gf broke up about 3-4 weeks ago. We met in college when we were 18 and the relationship lasted for a good 1 1/2 years.

 

However, towards the end of the relationship. (last 8 weeks.) She started getting distant, showing signs of losing interest, like changing her phone password and started being less interested in spending time with me.

 

We argued frequently because she was in university and wanted to spend most of the weekends studying. And since I could only see her on the weekends due to work commitments, I was really unhappy that she wanted to spend so much time studying.

 

Eventually, everytime we fought I would make impulsive actions like blocking her on Instagram, WhatsApp and threatening to break up with her. (Which I realised was immature and regret doing so )

 

Initially, 2 weeks before our breakup, I threatened her to part and she came back trying to patch things up. But when she did the next weekend. We fought again and we broke up for real. (She dumped me basically.)

 

I spent the next 3 weeks chasing her and convincing her to come back. Saying that I was sorry and I would not be as controlling as I was. She avoided my calls and lied that she wasn't home when I went to find her or tried to meet up with her. I basically begged and pleaded for her to come back. (Which basically drove her even further away ... She deleted/archived all our photos on Instagram, kept/replaced/threw the gifts I gave her away, changed our FB relationship status to single.)

 

Thing is, she has a major exam coming up which is super important to her which started yesterday 24 Nov and ends about 5th Dec. And she initially agreed to meet up after exams as Friends.

 

I told her I didn't want to be friends. And to meet up after the exams to see how things go. But she ignored me. After the whole breakup, she told me she didn't love me anymore, that I was controlling and impulsive and that she was happier without me. I asked her if I was that unpleasant to be around. And she said sometimes but not all the time. That she did have happy moments but recently she felt she didn't love me anymore and didn't care anymore.

 

After getting advice from my friends, they told me to move on and just block her off everything and never contact her again. And if she did miss you she may find a way to contact me again.

 

So I took their advice. I sent her a parting message. That I've thought about it and I'll disappear from her life forever. That I've already tried my best to make it work. And that I'll carry on. After which I blocked her on all social media and WhatsApp. But not her number tho.

She didn't seem affected by it. But I would never know.

 

Anyways. I'm trying to keep to my word. And move on.

But it's so rough. She was a really good gf. And I know I made a lot of mistakes and that the breakup was mainly my fault.

 

So...

What should I do now.

And do you think she'll ever return.

Any advice?

 

I know it sounds like I have been a horrible boyfriend. But I've really tried my best to treat her well. (Visiting her when she was sick, buying her monthly monthsary gifts etc. Which she did for me too.) Even if it might not sound like it. I was very inexperienced and didn't nderstand relationships well.

 

Ps. Sorry for the long wall of text haha

Edited November 25, 2018 by Snickerboy99

[Garcon1986]

Lessons learned here -

 

- when a girl starts to get distant from you, it usually means she's found another man that satisfies her better. The other possibility is she is reacting emotionally to un-gentlemanly treatment (arguments over little things, etc etc).

 

- chasing is not acceptable. It decreases your attractiveness level. You have to show her you are a rock cliff face, that will not fall and will not fail.

 

- I hope those presents you were buying were cheap. Otherwise you are training her to expect expensive things from you - did you have anything better to offer than your wallet (this is exactly how I was dumped in an earlier relationship). It's the thought that counts.

 

 

She will not come back to you, and if she does, it will not be in any shape or form that is acceptable (i.e. come back partially emotionally committed to other people). Your best bet is to heal and move on, for your own sanity.

[Snickerboy99]

Lessons learned here -

 

- when a girl starts to get distant from you, it usually means she's found another man that satisfies her better. The other possibility is she is reacting emotionally to un-gentlemanly treatment (arguments over little things, etc etc).

 

- chasing is not acceptable. It decreases your attractiveness level. You have to show her you are a rock cliff face, that will not fall and will not fail.

 

- I hope those presents you were buying were cheap. Otherwise you are training her to expect expensive things from you - did you have anything better to offer than your wallet (this is exactly how I was dumped in an earlier relationship). It's the thought that counts.

 

 

She will not come back to you, and if she does, it will not be in any shape or form that is acceptable (i.e. come back partially emotionally committed to other people). Your best bet is to heal and move on, for your own sanity.

 

From what I've seen. The reason why she left was probably because of my behaviour towards her. I was impulsive, controlling and needy.

 

Yeah. I initially didn't take her 'breakup' seriously. I thought that maybe she was just saying it in the heat of the moment. But now I know that she meant it. Which sucks. That's why I've kinda gone NC. Indefinitely perhaps

 

The presents actually we gave to each other and they weren't very expensive. But I wanted to show that I cared. She was a really good gf, she supported me through troubling financial times, emotional support and told me she'd never leave me. She also said briefly after we broke up that she wouldn't have left if I didn't keep threatening to break up with her. And that she was scared of me.

 

Yeah. Thing is I know she really tried her best to keep the relationship alive. But eventually she just got too tired of the commitment. And wanted out. Man...

 

Trying to move on. And let her go.

But I'm going through a lot of pain. Cause I really saw a future with her and it's all gone like this.

 

Any tips to cope?

[Garcon1986]

So you should never threaten a lady with breakup because you don't like how she is approaching things. That is the sign of conflict due to the inherent communication differences between a man and a woman - which is never a good way to start a relationship. She even said she is afraid of you. That's a total red light right there, you've threatened her enough times that she fears for her safety around you.

 

What I suggest to you is to do happy things and go out with friends more than you've ever done, to clear your mind, and heal. There will be another. You are not a lesser man for failing, but you would indeed be silly if you didn't apply the lessons you've learned here. I'm glad you used only affordable gifts. That's a high five right there. But the other stuff is unhealthy. Never ever threaten a woman with a breakup because you don't like how she approaches things. Instead learn what she is actually trying to say. What men would consider as a normal conversation, many women would consider to be way too direct and jarring. Figure out what she really wants. Many women actually don't know how to be super super direct to a man any more than you can't expect every single man to know how to play the saxophone.

 

Go with friends mate and do things that make you happy. Go no contact, delete photos, recycle printed pics, etc etc.

[d0nnivain]

It's not about you being a good or bad BF. The reality is you were growing in different directions & that caused your break up. When you met you were on the same page but no longer.

 

You don't have to be nasty to her when or if you see her again but you do need to accept that things are over & stop chasing. Disconnecting on various social media platforms & deleting her # from your phone are good starting points.

[Snickerboy99]

So you should never threaten a lady with breakup because you don't like how she is approaching things. That is the sign of conflict due to the inherent communication differences between a man and a woman - which is never a good way to start a relationship. She even said she is afraid of you. That's a total red light right there, you've threatened her enough times that she fears for her safety around you.

 

What I suggest to you is to do happy things and go out with friends more than you've ever done, to clear your mind, and heal. There will be another. You are not a lesser man for failing, but you would indeed be silly if you didn't apply the lessons you've learned here. I'm glad you used only affordable gifts. That's a high five right there. But the other stuff is unhealthy. Never ever threaten a woman with a breakup because you don't like how she approaches things. Instead learn what she is actually trying to say. What men would consider as a normal conversation, many women would consider to be way too direct and jarring. Figure out what she really wants. Many women actually don't know how to be super super direct to a man any more than you can't expect every single man to know how to play the saxophone.

 

Go with friends mate and do things that make you happy. Go no contact, delete photos, recycle printed pics, etc etc.

 

Yeah after doing a lot of reading I totally agree with you.

Really regret threatening her with something I didn't mean. Must have really hurt her over and over which really killed her attraction.

 

Guess I finally realised that women tend to think avoiding the conflict and not being too direct is the best thing to do. While I was too direct which causes a lot of unpleasant feelings. I shouldnt have argued with her but rather had a talk to her and listened to her perspective.

 

Just feels like I wasn't good enough. I have nightmares of her finding another guy like almost every night which kills me cause she used to tell me she'll only be mine forever and always and I know there are tons of guys hitting on her

[Snickerboy99]

It's not about you being a good or bad BF. The reality is you were growing in different directions & that caused your break up. When you met you were on the same page but no longer.

 

You don't have to be nasty to her when or if you see her again but you do need to accept that things are over & stop chasing. Disconnecting on various social media platforms & deleting her # from your phone are good starting points.

 

Yeah she's been very indifferent. From what I can tell.

We used to be in the same class and all so we had a connection but now she's in university and I'm in the army. It seems we can't understand each other.

 

Thing is. It sucks cause I now can kinda understand her better. And now I kinda know what I did wrong so I believe I could make it work if I had a second chance.

 

But I've already told her I'll disappear and blocked her and basically haven't contacted her for the past 4-5 days.

 

Man... Feel so rejected like she was saying I'm not good enough. Tremendous blow to my ego. And it's a pity cause if I had another chance or knew what I knew now. I could have salvaged a relationship with probably one of the nicest girls imo. Sucks.

[d0nnivain]

You are in the Army. That may be playing a role in this. It is helping you mature but she could be very against being involved with a soldier. My husband is a Marine Vet; I'm not sure I could have stuck around if I had met him when he was on active duty. It takes a lot of sacrifice to be the one keeping the home fires burning. She's probably rather be a carefree college student.

 

 

All of the introspection you are doing & everything you are learning from this touch teacher called life experience will serve you will in your next relationship. You could not have salvaged this. She wants out. That is not on you. It's a function of your differing life experiences at this point.

[Snickerboy99]

You are in the Army. That may be playing a role in this. It is helping you mature but she could be very against being involved with a soldier. My husband is a Marine Vet; I'm not sure I could have stuck around if I had met him when he was on active duty. It takes a lot of sacrifice to be the one keeping the home fires burning. She's probably rather be a carefree college student.

 

 

All of the introspection you are doing & everything you are learning from this touch teacher called life experience will serve you will in your next relationship. You could not have salvaged this. She wants out. That is not on you. It's a function of your differing life experiences at this point.

 

Sad to hear but yeah. I guess there's nothing I can do at this point.

[preraph]

It's not normal for a couple to last after one or both go in different directions for college (or even the same direction, really). It's a period of exploration and expansion when people don't want to be tied down and the get a glimpse of a whole world out there, including people, they want to explore.

 

Don't waste another day waiting for her. Maybe spend this time working on yourself since you took some responsibility, but that won't bring her back. She's moved on in life. Sorry for your pain.

[Fekenaws]

Just repeating what other people said on here but contrary to popular belief, chasing girls is a huge turnoff. Don't budge, you are the mountain and you won't be affected. She wants to be friends? No problem, tell her friendship doesn't work for you and that she can reach out to you if she changes her mind. That all being said, it sounds like she found another guy she's interested in. Especially given her age.

 

I'd say your chances are reconciliation are very low, the best thing you can do is go no contact and start moving on. Either she'll come back to you or you will find someone else.

[manfrombelow2]

I second this.

 

I did not really read all of OP's post. Because I know for sure, that women who love you don't break up with you. So for whatever reasons that she broke up with you, it's all because her interest levels in you dropped. Period.

 

Will she come back? Well, when it's the girls who end the relationship, they almost never come back. I know it's tough. But it's life.

 

It's not about you being a good or bad BF. The reality is you were growing in different directions & that caused your break up. When you met you were on the same page but no longer.

 

You don't have to be nasty to her when or if you see her again but you do need to accept that things are over & stop chasing. Disconnecting on various social media platforms & deleting her # from your phone are good starting points.

[Goldenheart]

The chasing thing really doesn’t work and it makes things worse. I think for right now you should just give it time. I hate hearing ppl tell me to just move on so I won’t say it to you. Just give it time and try not to think about it so much. Seee how you feel about it a few weeks from now and then maybe reevaluate? Breaks up are the hardest