Community Forums

Reload this Page Community Forums > Breaking Up, Reconciliation & Coping > Breaks and Breaking Up

How do get over my fear and lack of self esteem to end a dependent relationship?

Breaks and Breaking Up It happens to most everyone at some point in life! Share your experiences!

Like Tree1Likes
LinkBack Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 10th November 2018, 9:10 AM   #1
Join Date: Oct 2009
Posts: 24
How do get over my fear and lack of self esteem to end a dependent relationship?

I have been in a relationship for 18 years, the last 8 have been spent living apart. It is a co-dependent relationship which I am not happy in as I'm no longer attracted to my partner and we have not had sex for nearly 2 years. I feel guilt and fear at the thought of ending the relationship and so it just carries on.

I have felt like this for a few years but part of me is scared to end it and the other part is guilty as my partner moved to my town to be near me 10 years ago but never made any friends here, even though he had a number where he used to live. He also had problems with severe depression and spends hours viewing and commenting on Youtube everyday as he doesn't work. The weekends are spent just with him and we don't go out or do anything. Again when he's at mine he spends alot of time watching Youtube while I sit next to him watching TV and maybe he comments on it or about what's on TV.

I think I'm depressed myself after years of really adapting my behaviour sometimes as if we disagree he will never apologise or will get in a sulk or shout/argue rather than have an adult conversation. In the past he has been emotionally abusive and I have had trust issues myself as he has lied to me a number of times, often small but sometimes bigger, even though mostly he has never admitted to it. I've also put on alot of weight over the last 6 months from comfort eating, stressing over work and on how unhappy I am in the relationship.

Every time I've got into fitness, lost weight, tried taking up hobbies and trying to see friends it works for a while but then I lose all motivation and slip back into having no life or confidence again. My partner and I are friends and I love him to a point but am not in love with him. I also know he'd find it hard as even when I went on holiday for 2 weeks with friends in an attempt to distance myself for a bit he got tearful when I was leaving. We both text each other throughout the day and I phone him a number of times a day to check in with each other so we're used to this pattern but the relationship isn't really growing and he's pretty much a substitute for everything else in my life. I am seeing a therapist but at the moment it feels as though all the talking and discussing is not making me feel worse and more guilty as I think about the relationship even more, and my partner is becoming more suspicious as he senses me behaving differently towards him because of it (he doesn't know I'm having therapy) and has become more clingy e.g. sending lots of 'love you lots' and 'love you loads' texts more than usual.

My self esteem is low and I don't have any friends now, having withdrawn from them . I'm also estranged from my mum and brother. How do I end the relationship knowing that I will be completely alone and probably feel unable to cope?
girlygo is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 10th November 2018, 9:39 AM   #2
Established Member
d0nnivain's Avatar
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: Northeastern USA
Posts: 33,470
Therapy. Plus if you don't live together & haven't had sex in 2 years, this is a relationship in name only. Just say the words it's over.
d0nnivain is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 10th November 2018, 10:54 AM   #3
Established Member
Join Date: Aug 2018
Location: central US
Posts: 210
You are enabling his behavior.
Do you want to be like this in 5, 10 years?
At some point it will change because one of you will leave or both of you have to change.

Make your move, it will be hard, it will take time, it will be worth it.
GinON is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 12th November 2018, 1:34 AM   #4
Established Member
Join Date: Oct 2017
Posts: 1,411
If you haven't had sex in 2 years it's safe to say he feels the same way. What exactly are you two doing? That's the million dollar question. Relationships take work and it sounds like neither of you put any in, and have let yourselves go to heck as well.

I think in situations like this, therapy and a plan for both of you is in order. I don't know anyone who could be happy sitting around the house, getting fat and watching tv. Ugggh.

Last edited by Moderator; 13th November 2018 at 9:03 AM..
Highndry is offline   Reply With Quote


Thread Tools
Display Modes


Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
Jealousy and fear he won't like how I look in person, self-esteem down, don't know... KismetGirl Long-Distance Relationships 30 4th November 2014 1:21 PM
my lack of self-esteem AcaciaStrain Self-Improvement and Personal Well-Being 4 28th August 2012 5:00 PM
...How do I express this...empty...lack of self-esteem... XxBacktoBlackXx Breaks and Breaking Up 6 8th August 2008 1:02 AM
Once co-dependent, always co-dependent? whatup General Relationship Discussion 2 8th May 2007 10:25 AM
Is this Lack of Self Esteem or Inability to identify Toxic People SingleInTheCity General Relationship Discussion 1 18th June 2004 6:42 AM

All times are GMT -4. The time now is 9:40 AM.

Please note: The suggestions and advice offered on this web site are opinions only and are not to be used in the place of professional psychological counseling or medical advice. If you or someone close to you is currently in crisis or in an emergency situation, contact your local law enforcement agency or emergency number.

Copyright © 1997-2018 All Rights Reserved.