beowulf44 Posted November 10, 2018 Share Posted November 10, 2018 So I posted about a month ago about a situation with an ex. 6 months dating, we "broke up" during an argument, and after a week of making up/staying in touch BS, I go to her house to find my friend’s car parked in her driveway. The rest is history. Long story short, I think both me and her knew the relationship was not going to work out long term. If anything, I was much more noncommittal than her, which probably pushed her away (to be fair, she had a host of issues, which I described elsewhere). I imagine she made the decision to break up some time ago and was simply lining up a replacement before breaking up/waiting to see if things would change. I had seen her talking more and more to my friend, so he was probably next in line. Some context - we are both big gym people and met there, and spent much time there together. I was not super public about our relationship except to certain people, and am generally chatty with both guys AND girls, so I'm sure she got some impression of me. From what I’ve gathered, sometime in August after things started going downhill, she began telling people we were just "friends" when asked about us, and this includes my formerly good friend who she is now dating. It didn't help that I started to blow off the question when asked as well. However, during this time she was still holding the whole “serious relationship” frame with me, talking about children, marriage, moving in together/buying a house, the whole 9. I originally got the impression that my friend did me dirty by trying to undermine my relationship, and while I still think there was an element of inappropriateness, I think the real factor was that she created some narrative where I was just some "friend" who she would work out with, who would go grocery shopping with her, get jealous when I saw her talking to other dudes, and all other kinds of emasculating BS. At least this is probably what she told my friend. Its super weird when I see them at the gym now, and I can sense a HUGE element of vindictiveness on her behalf. Today, I saw them looking at me and I could tell they were talking sh*t, as they kept looking in my direction and laughing noticeably loud for me to hear. I’m sure she is expanding her narrative every chance she gets. Looking back on my relationship with her, I am finding out that she told me many flat out lies about other people in her life (people from gym, exes, etc), which were simply not true but designed to make me jealous. Ironically, she still gets super jealous when other girls talk to me at the gym, which makes no sense to me. Anyway, the situation quite bothers me. Part of me wants to confront my friend and set the record straight, but I do still feel some animosity towards him, as I’m not sure how much was misperception on his behalf and how much was ill intentioned (for what its worth, when we were still friends, he told me he had done something similar in the past to a different friend of his). What would you guys do if you were me? I do refuse to leave the gym and let her “win”. I know the best thing to deal with this is just apathy and continue meeting other girls at the gym, and most people in the gym who I AM actually close with do know that were were dating. But it still bothers me that theres probably some narrative of me being peddled as some jealous, crazy, platonic friend zoned dude who just took her shopping and is totally butthurt now that someone else is with her. Its very emasculating. Before writing me off as childish, please consider my situation, as I’m sure that any posters telling me to just “don’t pay any attention to it” (which I know is the best advice) would be similarly sensitive if they were in my shoes. Would you confront the friend? Talk to a mutual friend about things for clarification? Pretend as if nothing is wrong and resume saying hi to him? Ignore? This is my last thread on this topic btw, I swear Link to post Share on other sites
Lorenza Posted November 10, 2018 Share Posted November 10, 2018 I will only comment on the "I refuse to leave the gym and let her win". She wouldn't win if you left the gym. She's winning now, by being able to flaunt her new relationship, make it obvious they talk shyt about you and keeping track on you to stay in some sort of control. You're losing by staying. If you changed the gym, you could stop seeing her, letting her have her little vengeful game and eventually thinking about her. So I think you're wrong in your approach. Maybe you're enjoying the game. Link to post Share on other sites
Author beowulf44 Posted November 10, 2018 Author Share Posted November 10, 2018 (edited) I will only comment on the "I refuse to leave the gym and let her win". She wouldn't win if you left the gym. She's winning now, by being able to flaunt her new relationship, make it obvious they talk shyt about you and keeping track on you to stay in some sort of control. You're losing by staying. If you changed the gym, you could stop seeing her, letting her have her little vengeful game and eventually thinking about her. So I think you're wrong in your approach. Maybe you're enjoying the game. Thanks for the insight. I do see your point. But it’s a great gym, super close, and I have many great friends from the 13 years I’ve been there. I have started going slightly earlier though It’s not like I walk around the gym moping. I don’t pay them any eye contact, and any outsider would just see me being my usual self nowadays. I am sure I will grow even less sensitive as time goes on and the novelty of “**** talking the ex” grows thin, as this is still somewhat fresh. It’s also easier to be sensitive when you’ haven’t dated since, but that will change soon Moreso to the point - would you confront the friend? Or leave him be Edited November 10, 2018 by beowulf44 Link to post Share on other sites
Marc878 Posted November 10, 2018 Share Posted November 10, 2018 He's not your friend. You cut them both off and move on. I wouldn't leave the gym. It's your turf as much theirs. She wasn't the one anyway so she'll fade fast when you find someone new. Link to post Share on other sites
Logo Posted November 10, 2018 Share Posted November 10, 2018 Thanks for the insight. I do see your point. But it’s a great gym, super close, and I have many great friends from the 13 years I’ve been there It’s not like I walk arond the gym moping. I don’t pay them any eye contact, and any outsider would just see me being my usual self nowadays. I am sure I will grow even less sensitive as time goes on and the novelty of “**** talking the ex” grows thin, as this is still somewhat fresh. It’s also easier to be sensitive when you’ haven’t dated since, but that will change soon Moreso to the point - would you confront the friend? Or leave him be I would treat him as though he was an ex, block and delete and start no contact. Pretend they’re both strangers you’ve never known. Be yourself, act like you always acted before and pay them no attention. Make them feel like nobodies. Smile, laugh and chat with other people you know there if that’s how you acted in the past. Sometimes it’s best not to step in the **** and get your shoes dirty. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Lorenza Posted November 10, 2018 Share Posted November 10, 2018 Thanks for the insight. I do see your point. But it’s a great gym, super close, and I have many great friends from the 13 years I’ve been there. I have started going slightly earlier though It’s not like I walk around the gym moping. I don’t pay them any eye contact, and any outsider would just see me being my usual self nowadays. I am sure I will grow even less sensitive as time goes on and the novelty of “**** talking the ex” grows thin, as this is still somewhat fresh. It’s also easier to be sensitive when you’ haven’t dated since, but that will change soon Moreso to the point - would you confront the friend? Or leave him be Ok I understand - well keep the gym then. Just don't get involved in any games like trying to be obvious about flirting with other girls in front of your ex as that will only confirm to her you're not over her and trying to make her jealous. About the friend - what is there to confront him for? His actions have spoken more than any words could. I would take the higher ground and not give any of them a second of my attention. By cutting him out of your life you're speaking tons also. No friend would get involved with his friend's ex or even a woman his friend had a crush on. Besides, he is with her and will believe her, not you. You'll just be this jealous vindictive guy she has tossed aside Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted November 10, 2018 Share Posted November 10, 2018 Why exactly were you so non committal about her to the people at the gym? Were you ashamed of her? Was she cramping your style? Why did you deny her as your gf, when it was obvious at one point she was really into you. It was a silly game to play. Women do not tend to like to be hidden away like they are in some secret affair, they want their bf to be proud of them. I suggest you do not do that again. Link to post Share on other sites
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