breaking up when still in love?? ***Updated***

[sunflower24]

my boyfriend of two years broke up with me two months ago over distance (and the fact that because of distance, he felt we were growing apart some). we had been doing 3 hours long distance for almost a year but we would have still had two more years to go, and ultimately he came to the realization that he just couldn't keep it up for that long because only seeing each other 5-6 days per month already just hurt him too much. which obviously I had to respect, so our break-up was on good terms and we have continued contact since (wishing each other well every week or so, updating each other on our lives, etc -- and it's usually been him texting first) but yesterday I realized I just can't do it anymore. it's been 2 months and he is still fixed in his decision not to be together (though he says he still "feels bad about breaking up every day"), so I owe it to myself to start NC and try to move on.

 

and it sucks. because I still love him SO much and I know he loves me, too. he still tells me. but I just can't keep hearing he still loves and misses me after he made the decision he no longer wants to be with me. it's confusing and not fair to me. so I'm trying NC for a few months and my goal is to focus on myself and move on. not to get him back. but do you think it is possible that he WILL come back? given he still loves and cares for me deeply, etc, or do you think distance is enough of a reason to keep us broken up for good?

[basil67]

If distance wasn't working for him, then there's no reason to think he will come back. UNLESS the two of you talk about closing the distance. What is keeping you apart?

[sunflower24]

If distance wasn't working for him, then there's no reason to think he will come back. UNLESS the two of you talk about closing the distance. What is keeping you apart?

he moved away for a job, while I'm stuck here another two years due to school

[Million.to.1]

Because you still love him, and you can't be together.. you should go NC in order to move on, heal and be free to meet someone new. While you are in contact, it will continue to hold you back from moving forward properly.

 

You ended on good terms and because of distance, so there is the possibility of re-connecting in the future, but I wouldn't hold your breath for that as it's unlikely.

But once you are at a stage that you can be happy to see him in the arms of another woman and happy, and you have moved forward and are in a good place yourself, you could reconnect as friends.

 

Stick to NC till the "love" for him is just a found memory.

[hippychick3]

He may care about you but he doesn’t love you enough to make it worth your energy to hold out hope. Someone who truly loves you and wants a future with you would absolutely NOT break up with you and not want to see you anymore. The continued texting and contact from him is not love. I suspect he has interest in someone else at the moment.

[sunflower24]

He may care about you but he doesn’t love you enough to make it worth your energy to hold out hope. Someone who truly loves you and wants a future with you would absolutely NOT break up with you and not want to see you anymore. The continued texting and contact from him is not love. I suspect he has interest in someone else at the moment.

I will admit to agreeing with your first two statements, but I know for certain there is no other love interest in his life right now. what do you believe his continued texting and communication is from then, if not from love?

Edited October 18, 2018 by sunflower24

[ExpatInItaly]

I will admit to agreeing with your first two statements, but I know for certain there is no other love interest in his life right now. what do you believe his continued texting and communication is from then, if not from love?

 

Sometimes it's from habit. Genuine care that the dumpee is okay. Guilt for hurting the other person.

[hippychick3]

I will admit to agreeing with your first two statements, but I know for certain there is no other love interest in his life right now. what do you believe his continued texting and communication is from then, if not from love?

 

He probably still cares for you and may just enjoy your conversations. He may also be feeling guilty for hurting you, and this is his way of assuaging that guilt.

 

I don’t think there is any way to know for certain he’s not interested is someone else. Regardless, it’s best to be NC and move on with your life.

[elaine567]

When a person initiates a "cold" break up like this, they usually have thought long and hard about it and have come to the conclusion it won't work out. They see no future and they eventually tell the other person that they are done. They tend not to change their minds.

The bottom line is that most are looking to date other people, if not immediately then sometime soon.

This relationship is finished, on to the next... or they want to be free to do what they want to do outwith the confines of a relationship.

 

Here he has told you that he is still fixed in his decision so you have to believe him.

He says he "loves" you but he is not in love with you, if he was he would never have broken up with you...

NC is your friend.

[snowcones]

I think that he wants to date someone closer to him so he can see them more often. This is his ideal but he is having trouble finding someone so he is using you to partially fill the void until he finds someone new. Once he finds someone new and local to him, you will stop hearing from him. If this is unacceptable to you, then you need to initiate no contact and move on yourself.

[stillafool]

I agree with you that your boyfriend may love you but is no longer in love with you. Men are territorial and there's no way he would release you and free you up for another man if he was in love with you and looking forward to one day marrying you. Habits die hard and he is in the habit of talking to you everyday, texting you and so forth. People here are correct that when he meets someone new (and he has probably already seen prospects) he will eventually stop contact. Yes you should move on and start NC.

[loststarsx]

I am so sorry for the pain you are going through. I have a similar experience. It is honestly heartbreaking. Sure, people can change their minds, but you need to disappear from his life and refuse any type of friendship. I don't want to give you hope because only you know your relationship, but eventually curiosity may get the best of him. LDR are tough, but remember....if someone does not want you in their life, gracefully bow out. I have so many ups and downs, suspect there might be someone else in the picture, but I realize I need to stay away. Allow him to miss you and show your strength. You probably don't want to hear it because I know at times I don't even have the heart, but you have to work on yourself. If you love him, you'll set him free. Don't beg like I did. I'm still in love, but I don't want to stay stuck. Sometimes we grasp and try to read between the lines, however, actions speak for themselves.

[sunflower24]

Thanks everyone for your replies, I really appreciate them all. The idea that he still loves me but may no longer be in love with me could quite possibly be true... I have no idea. How do you determine something like that without the person explicitly telling you?

 

I do know with my entire heart that he loved/was in love with me throughout the course of our relationship. I never once doubted his love for me; his actions toward me were continuously so selfless. Our relationship was truly so pure and wholesome; there was no animosity, no resentment, no toxicity. The only issue we really struggled with at times was communication since we were LD. We truly only ever had good intentions toward the other, and we really just tried our best to make each other as happy as possible. He did that to the very end -- which is why the breakup came as such a shock. We had just seen each other a week earlier and I felt his love for me so strongly that weekend; he did not mention anything was wrong and I had no reason to believe there was. When he told me he couldn’t do it anymore, we cried for hours together on the phone. When we saw each other the next week to say a final goodbye, we cried again.

 

I guess that's why I still can't shake the thought that maybe he'll come back. Because I KNOW I am the only women he has ever truly loved and I know he put his entire heart into our relationship, too. When we broke up, he said he had been his best possible self with me and for me and that he still loved me and was doing this because he loves me. He said continuing to do distance for such a great amount of time just wasn't good or fair to either of us. And so he left. And though he has never explicitly said he is never coming back, I know he would have never chosen to put either of us through so much pain just to say “never mind” a few weeks later. Even so, I guess I still just wish that after a while of NC the pain of not having me in his life becomes too unbearable for him and he realizes sticking out the distance is worth it for a future together. I don’t know... I really am trying to move on, but it's so hard when he treated me SO incredibly well.

Edited October 24, 2018 by sunflower24

[sunflower24]

Hi, I posted about my situation about two weeks ago on another forum, but I was hoping to get some fresh perspective on this one. My boyfriend of two years broke up with me in mid-August. It came as a complete shock to me, as we had just seen each other the weekend prior and everything had gone absolutely normal and I had felt his love for me so strongly. We had been doing 3 hours distance for nearly a year, and we would have had two more years to go.

 

He told me that he had come to the realization that he just wouldn't be able to stick it out for that long; only seeing each other 5-6 times per month was very painful for him. "If I have a partner, then I need a partner." His primary love language is physical touch, so psychologically, I understand where he is coming from.

 

He also said that doing long distance for such a great amount of time just wasn't good or fair to either of us. Which, again, I couldn't completely disagree with. It was hard, and it did inevitably begin to put a strain on our relationship (though I always believed it to be worth it for a long-term future together). After saying this, he wrote, "I still love you and I'm doing this because I love you. You may not understand now, but I hope you will." He apologized a lot for causing me so much pain, and I know the guilt he feels is still enormous.

 

For the last two months following the breakup, we attempted to maintain contact (aka remain "friends") on the basis of still caring deeply for each other and wanting to "always be there" for one another. Just small talk, keeping each other updated on our lives, etc. Every so often he would also throw in a few compliments about me being "the most kind and authentic person he has ever met," and that he still loved me and missed me all the time. It was an off-and-on sort of deal, and it was very painful for me. Two weeks ago I realized that I owed it to myself to start to move on, as he had made no initiation of getting back together. He said that us no longer talking was not what he wanted, but he respected my decision if that's what I wanted. The last thing I said was, "I still love you and I'm sorry," and he said it word for word back. I've been NC since.

 

I'm not sure what I'm looking for here; I know going NC is the best for both of us right now. I logically know the chances of him ever telling me that he wants to get back together are slim. I guess I just want some viewpoints on what the future looks like for me from here (will he try to contact me again? what do I do if he does?) and on why he did what he did. A lot of people say that a guy would never break up with you if he truly loved you, but there are others who strongly believe, "if you truly love them, you'll set them free." What do you believe was the case here?

[ExpatInItaly]

I think he loved you, in the sense that he cared about you and wants you to be happy, but he ultimately lost interest in the relationship.

 

For whatever reason, this isn't working for him any longer and he doesn't see a future together. Someone who really wants a future with you isn't going to break up with you. Think about it: could you have imagined breaking up with him? Probably not. And that's because you are still in love and invested.

 

He might get in touch again in the future, but I would not worry about what to do if that happens. Don't spend emotional energy on a hypothetical. Cross that bridge if you come to it, in other words. You've done the right thing asking that he not contact you at this time; you need your own time and space to heal without interruptions from him to soothe his guilt.

[Million.to.1]

You've done the right thing.

 

Stick to NC (do not reply to him if he contacts you) until you are feeling indifferent about him, or can be happy to hear he has met someone else, or you are happy in a new relationship yourself. This takes time. Months or maybe years. Certainly not weeks. Time does heal. but you have to know that time takes time!

 

No contact is a way to move forward properly.. If you try to re-establish contact before you are properly healed, it will bring all the pain, questions and grief right back and you'll have to do it all over again.

 

It will get easier everyday, I promise.